Parenting ADVICE NEEDED!
Replies
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I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. This is exactly why I posted this. I needed to hear what I'm doing right/wrong. As a parent, you just don't know, like someone said, it doesn't come with an instruction manual. I was raised on "tough love" and I have a hard time not doing the same with my daughter. I have sat down with her and had face-to-face conversations about what I could do to make the transition easier on her. She says she's upset because she didn't get the room she wanted. I asked her if laying with her before bed for longer would help. Until she falls asleep.
I do want to say that I'm not totally cold and not compassionate. We do have a bed-time routine and always have. I still do that with her at night. We lay together and if she says she has a pain, I will stay with her and rub her back/leg/etc. We spend alone time together before going to bed, I will snuggle with her and love on her.
She is with her dad part time as well, we do week on, week off with a mid week overnight. His girlfriend moved in with them over a year ago, and she seemed to adjust to that ok. But again, I do understand that this was in her own home. She also had 2 boys move in, and she had to switch rooms. I know this is all a HUGE change for her.
I may take most of your advice and try counseling for her. I think there's a lot she's holding back and not telling me, because she doesn't know how to express it.
My boyfriend is the most patient, kindest, laid back person I've ever met. He is gentle with her, and doesn't over step his boundaries. He will sit with her and talk to her too, and try to find out what's going on in her mind. They have a good relationship.
We do keep all the doors open, until she is in her room, then we crack ours. I know I said shut, but we keep it cracked. She doesn't ever know it's cracked because she doesn't get up. So that shouldn't affect her. We simply do it so we can sleep and drown out the noise once we've gotten her all tucked in and did whatever we could to ease her. Nothing seems to work.
I assure you I am a good mother. I just need some guidance. This is new to all of us.
Again, I thank you all for your input, it has put perspective on the whole situation and it has brought me to tears.
I guess what I want to call attention to is the bolded part.
I found some of your responses really, really upsetting as a parent. It's not that you're a bad mother - but what you are feeling right there with that bolded part -- that is what your daughter is feeling and she's 8 and can't post for advice anon on an internet forum. I think you've gotten some very excellent advice in this thread and I sincerely hope you heed it.0 -
No kidding. he skipped an entire age range there. She's almost a baby still.Parenting advice 101:
When your child is a baby treat them like a baby.
When your child is an adolescent treat them like an adolescent, not a baby.
When your child is a young adult/teenager, treat them like a young adult/teenager, not a baby
When your child is an adult, treat them like an adult, not a baby.
Now that you've made the parenting mistake of treating your child like a baby, you're either going to need to seek counseling your some tough love.
Uh, adolescence is another name for young adulthood/teenage years. An eight year old is not an adolescent--they are a child.
He skipped more than one range:
Infant: o-1 year
Baby 1-2 years
Toddler: 2-4 Years
Child: 4-9 years
Tweenager: 9-12 years
Adolescence: 13-18 - And even those years are very different as they grow. I teach middle school and high school. Huge difference between a 13 year old and an 18 year old.
Having said all that, this is to the OP. My ex left when my kids were 3 and 5. My 5 year old slept with me every night for a year. My 3 year old was about every other night. I never punished them. Eventually, they grew less fearful that I, too, would leave, and they went back to their own beds.
What your daughter needs is compassion, not punishment. She may be having abandonment issues. Her whole little world has been dumped upside down, not once, but twice now. They say kids are resilient. I think that is a fallacy - Kids adapt to change because adults make decisions for them without considering their thoughts or ideas or feelings about said decisions, and then are told, after the fact, to suck it up.
Get the poor kid some counseling and listen to her. And for crying out loud, stop ignoring her. You're reinforcing the idea that her emotions and fears are invalid and don't matter.
ETA: Didn't realize she changed rooms - not homes. Still a huge change to have new people living there.0 -
I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. This is exactly why I posted this. I needed to hear what I'm doing right/wrong. As a parent, you just don't know, like someone said, it doesn't come with an instruction manual. I was raised on "tough love" and I have a hard time not doing the same with my daughter. I have sat down with her and had face-to-face conversations about what I could do to make the transition easier on her. She says she's upset because she didn't get the room she wanted. I asked her if laying with her before bed for longer would help. Until she falls asleep.
I do want to say that I'm not totally cold and not compassionate. We do have a bed-time routine and always have. I still do that with her at night. We lay together and if she says she has a pain, I will stay with her and rub her back/leg/etc. We spend alone time together before going to bed, I will snuggle with her and love on her.
She is with her dad part time as well, we do week on, week off with a mid week overnight. His girlfriend moved in with them over a year ago, and she seemed to adjust to that ok. But again, I do understand that this was in her own home. She also had 2 boys move in, and she had to switch rooms. I know this is all a HUGE change for her.
I may take most of your advice and try counseling for her. I think there's a lot she's holding back and not telling me, because she doesn't know how to express it.
My boyfriend is the most patient, kindest, laid back person I've ever met. He is gentle with her, and doesn't over step his boundaries. He will sit with her and talk to her too, and try to find out what's going on in her mind. They have a good relationship.
We do keep all the doors open, until she is in her room, then we crack ours. I know I said shut, but we keep it cracked. She doesn't ever know it's cracked because she doesn't get up. So that shouldn't affect her. We simply do it so we can sleep and drown out the noise once we've gotten her all tucked in and did whatever we could to ease her. Nothing seems to work.
I assure you I am a good mother. I just need some guidance. This is new to all of us.
Again, I thank you all for your input, it has put perspective on the whole situation and it has brought me to tears.
So she's gone through a divorce, with Daddy moving out. And for the last 3 years she's had her mommy to herself, and she's been able to lay with and cuddle mommy every night.
Now you took her mommy away, boyfriend gets to sleep with mommy, the boys get to sleep together in a room across from mommy, and little girl has been exiled away from mommy, down the hall, away from the entire family.
Now I read >>>> "She is with her dad part time as well, we do week on, week off with a mid-week overnight. His girlfriend moved in with them over a year ago, and she seemed to adjust to that ok." <<<<<
So she has a different schedule, a new house that’s not her own, a different family, new step mom, new step dad, new siblings, she’s all alone at night, in addition to: a different room every other week, with a midweek change-up tossed in for good measure. No wonder she's crying out!!! And then on top of it all, you punish her for feeling scared and upset... I got teary-eyed reading your posts. I can't even imagine treating a child like this. Counseling would be the next step. Maybe they can give you some ideas on how to deal with a little girl whose life has been turned upside down and backwards. She's 8 - a little girl. I don't think adults would deal with such upheaval well, and you expect an 8 year old to be fine with it? I'm not saying you're a bad mom, but the little girl is getting the short end of the stick every time. The boys have each other, and are still in their own house. This poor little girl needs hugs and loving, and lots of it. she needs to know you're not going anywhere, and she is allowed to FEEL whatever she needs to feel, without being punished for it. I really do hope you go through with counseling.0 -
Thank you again, everyone. I will most definitely take your advice and I will schedule counseling for her this week. I now understand that her feelings are legit and need to be addressed as such. I can see how wrong I was in how I treated the situation. I'm thankful for all of your responses (both positive and negative).
As hard as it was to read the negative responses and those of you who say she would be better off without me, etc., I still appreciate your adding your voice to my topic. It's just what I needed to hear. And for those of you who PM'd me, thank you for taking the time and concern to let me know private what your thoughts and ideas were.
THANK YOU. Starting tonight I am going to start rewarding good behavior. We had a great day alone together today, with a lot of insightful conversations.0 -
She also thinks having medicine will help her sleep, so she makes up aches and pains and cries about that, but only at bedtime. The rest of the day she is totally fine. These things don't come up until it's time for bed. I'm at my wits end, I don't know what else to do. I've started taking things away from her, her privileges and things she likes to do. Any suggestions if you've been here or something I'm not thinking of.
This is not uncommon. My 9 yo daughter does exactly the same thing. It's like she's on the go all day when it's time for bed she slows down and then her brain kicks in starts thinking about how her leg (or other body part) is sore, remembers something she was supposed to tell me earlier, complains about not being able to sleep (even when she's knackered). It can take an hour for her to go to sleep.
I don't have an answer but I have stopped entertaining her nonsense. When she comes into the lounge I ask what she wants then go back to watching tv and ignore her. Also helps to have one on one girl time and let her take the lead with what you do.0 -
Thank you again, everyone. I will most definitely take your advice and I will schedule counseling for her this week. I now understand that her feelings are legit and need to be addressed as such. I can see how wrong I was in how I treated the situation. I'm thankful for all of your responses (both positive and negative).
As hard as it was to read the negative responses and those of you who say she would be better off without me, etc., I still appreciate your adding your voice to my topic. It's just what I needed to hear. And for those of you who PM'd me, thank you for taking the time and concern to let me know private what your thoughts and ideas were.
THANK YOU. Starting tonight I am going to start rewarding good behavior. We had a great day alone together today, with a lot of insightful conversations.
Don't take the really negative remarks to heart. I bet those who posted them wouldn't be nearly so gracious as you have been if their parenting methods were questions. Like you said, there is no manual.0 -
It's more than just sleeping in a separate room. These are major life changes. She's only 8. I highly recommend family counseling to help her adjust.
I agree, and will repeat for emphasis -- this is not about sleep or separation anxiety. This is about changing her whole world and the important people in it.
I would highly recommend some family counseling to help EVERYONE adjust in a healthy manner.0 -
Well we had a semi-successful night last night, using the advice many of you gave. I do want to say that getting her a pet is not an option. So no need to argue about that any longer
I went through our usual bed-time routine, but I stayed and laid with her until she fell asleep. We read a chapter in her book, then talked a little, and soon she was dozing off. I snuck out about a half-hour later, and she slept until 4:25 a.m., and came to my room. I sent her back to bed, but she continued crying so after about 10 minutes, I went back in and laid with her and she quickly fell back to sleep.
I don't want to re-create the same dependency issues I'm trying to break by needing to be there while she falls asleep, but if I can eventually wean her off of it, and have her feel comfortable and safe knowing I'm in the next room, then I'll do it as long as it takes.
Any more suggestions would be appreciated.
I did make a reward chart as well, if she sleeps peacefully for a full week, she gets a new tablet. She's been saving her money for one, and I told her I would buy the whole thing for her if she can get through a week. Yes or no?0 -
Well we had a semi-successful night last night, using the advice many of you gave. I do want to say that getting her a pet is not an option. So no need to argue about that any longer
I went through our usual bed-time routine, but I stayed and laid with her until she fell asleep. We read a chapter in her book, then talked a little, and soon she was dozing off. I snuck out about a half-hour later, and she slept until 4:25 a.m., and came to my room. I sent her back to bed, but she continued crying so after about 10 minutes, I went back in and laid with her and she quickly fell back to sleep.
I don't want to re-create the same dependency issues I'm trying to break by needing to be there while she falls asleep, but if I can eventually wean her off of it, and have her feel comfortable and safe knowing I'm in the next room, then I'll do it as long as it takes.
Any more suggestions would be appreciated.
I did make a reward chart as well, if she sleeps peacefully for a full week, she gets a new tablet. She's been saving her money for one, and I told her I would buy the whole thing for her if she can get through a week. Yes or no?
Yay for progress!
If you already told her that's fine, but I would have made her go 2-3 weeks and it'd have to be her falling asleep without you there.
I recommend the Kindle Fire for kids. Best tablet you can get for not very much money. We got my oldest a cheapy Black Friday special and it's sucks. We got the 2nd daughter a refurbished Kindle Fire and it's way better.0 -
Well we had a semi-successful night last night, using the advice many of you gave. I do want to say that getting her a pet is not an option. So no need to argue about that any longer
I went through our usual bed-time routine, but I stayed and laid with her until she fell asleep. We read a chapter in her book, then talked a little, and soon she was dozing off. I snuck out about a half-hour later, and she slept until 4:25 a.m., and came to my room. I sent her back to bed, but she continued crying so after about 10 minutes, I went back in and laid with her and she quickly fell back to sleep.
I don't want to re-create the same dependency issues I'm trying to break by needing to be there while she falls asleep, but if I can eventually wean her off of it, and have her feel comfortable and safe knowing I'm in the next room, then I'll do it as long as it takes.
Any more suggestions would be appreciated.
I did make a reward chart as well, if she sleeps peacefully for a full week, she gets a new tablet. She's been saving her money for one, and I told her I would buy the whole thing for her if she can get through a week. Yes or no?
A new tablet? Can I come live at your house please?
I think a more low key "reward" may have been a bit more proportionate (you and her going out to get your nails painted or to a movie or whatever) with a bigger reward like a tablet for a few weeks of sleeping in her own bed. That said, if it works in resolving the issue completely then it might have been the right decision
I also think sending her back to her own bed was very much the right thing to do but perhaps not leaving her to cry for so long and then lying down with her.
I think a process of gradual "retreat" could work well. So every time reduce the time slightly that you are spending with her when she dozes off or settling her when she wakes in the middle of the night. This will make her comfortable in dealing with the situation knowing you wont up and suddenly leave but it is clear that your role is to guide her through the difficult time so she can learn how to do it herself rather than rely on you to "rescue" her. Teaching her self reliance is a good thing.0 -
You *are* a good mama. That's why you asked in the first place. Here are hugs. (( )) in case you need them. Parenting is harder than any fitness goals we have laid out for ourselves!0
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You *are* a good mama. That's why you asked in the first place. Here are hugs. (( )) in case you need them. Parenting is harder than any fitness goals we have laid out for ourselves!
I just started, and I wholly agree...0 -
Well we had a semi-successful night last night, using the advice many of you gave. I do want to say that getting her a pet is not an option. So no need to argue about that any longer
I went through our usual bed-time routine, but I stayed and laid with her until she fell asleep. We read a chapter in her book, then talked a little, and soon she was dozing off. I snuck out about a half-hour later, and she slept until 4:25 a.m., and came to my room. I sent her back to bed, but she continued crying so after about 10 minutes, I went back in and laid with her and she quickly fell back to sleep.
I don't want to re-create the same dependency issues I'm trying to break by needing to be there while she falls asleep, but if I can eventually wean her off of it, and have her feel comfortable and safe knowing I'm in the next room, then I'll do it as long as it takes.
Any more suggestions would be appreciated.
I did make a reward chart as well, if she sleeps peacefully for a full week, she gets a new tablet. She's been saving her money for one, and I told her I would buy the whole thing for her if she can get through a week. Yes or no?
A new tablet? Can I come live at your house please?
I think a more low key "reward" may have been a bit more proportionate (you and her going out to get your nails painted or to a movie or whatever) with a bigger reward like a tablet for a few weeks of sleeping in her own bed. That said, if it works in resolving the issue completely then it might have been the right decision
I also think sending her back to her own bed was very much the right thing to do but perhaps not leaving her to cry for so long and then lying down with her.
I think a process of gradual "retreat" could work well. So every time reduce the time slightly that you are spending with her when she dozes off or settling her when she wakes in the middle of the night. This will make her comfortable in dealing with the situation knowing you wont up and suddenly leave but it is clear that your role is to guide her through the difficult time so she can learn how to do it herself rather than rely on you to "rescue" her. Teaching her self reliance is a good thing.
I agree with this. I think a tablet should be for a longer amount of time of success, as it's quite a big reward. And the idea of rewarding her independence by doing something with her is great. It helps reinforce that you're there for her.0 -
I think the first week is going to be the hardest for her, so I wanted to give her a great reward for doing such an awesome job when she accomplishes it. Besides, I'm pretty sure an outing costs just as much as a tablet anymore! After she makes it through the first week, I will make her reward fun outings that just she and I can do together. She may value that much more than a tablet anyway. Thanks for your contributions, guys 0
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Why dont you move her to the room across from you. Im sure the boys wont mind. We used to always trade rooms when I was younger lol. Or foster a little girl so she has a companion .0
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Or foster a little girl so she has a companion .
:noway: WTF? Go get another kid so the one you have has someone to play with? That's worse than the pet suggestion.0 -
Or foster a little girl so she has a companion .
:huh: :noway:0 -
Glad things were better last night. I'm not a fan of rewards for good behavior to be honest, it's their job to behave, get good grades, keep their rooms clean etc. But if that helps I would go with the smaller reward of getting nails done etc.0
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I only read thru the first page of responses, but My daughter went thru something similar around that age after the loss of her grandfather. My husband (at the time) was very impatient and tried to be tough and make her "get over it" and that just wont work. we are talking pure terror inside here and if someone told you to get over it when you were truly scared...aye. she's 21 now and still vividly remembers the fear.
Instead of a pill or medicine, try some chamomile tea with honey...and a nice relaxing foot massage as part of the bedtime routine with lavander oil. Then explan to her that for XXX time you will lay with her till she falls asleep. then after that time you will sit by her bed holding her hand till she falls asleep. then for the next period of time you will sit by the bed but not holding hands. slowly you move your chair further away from the bed even into the hallway if you need to. This actually worked...it took some time and it was hard for me becuase her idiot father was livid... But we were given children as gifts...we should treat them as such without spoiling them.
the reward system would also be great...small rewards. No kids shouldn't have to be rewarded for things they are expected to do...chores or grades...but this is something completely different. I reward myself for losing weight...its hard and i pushed thru it. same could be said for her.0 -
Oh...one more thing....we had an agreement that if she woke in the middle of the night she could come in our room and sleep on the floor...not in our bed. I dont know if your boyfriend would be comfortable with that or not...but it solved going thru the whole start the whole routine over at 4 am. I just kept telling myself...she won't wanna do this when she is 12... and its true...she outgrew it on her own.0
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I cannot believe you're taking privileges away for this! Seriously, family therapy -- you, your daughter, your boyfriend and his kids. You need professional guidance. You're not handling it even close to correctly. She's 8. You got divorced and now you've moved her in with a stranger (and, yes, he's a stranger).
Everything about her life -- access to you, routine, sleeping arrangements, EVERYTHING has changed.
I have to agree with this. She is still little and has gone through some big changes in her short 8 years of life so far; you and her father divorcing, moving into a new home, adjusting to your boyfriend, "step" siblings, etc. This can be very overwhelming for a young child.
I find it alarming that at 8 years old, she thinks she needs medication to fall asleep. Her complaints of stomach and headaches are classic signs of anxiety. When I was a child, I always complained of stomach and headaches. It wasn't until high school that I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and panic disorder. Difficulty sleeping at night (fighting bedtime) is also a sign of anxiety. She could really be suffering... I don't think it would hurt to ask her pediatrician to refer her to a psychiatrist/psychologist to get her evaluated.
In the meantime, routine is going to be very important for her. Come up with some kind of bedtime routine and stick to it every night…. bath time, read books, play a memory game, etc. Make sure you begin bath time or reading books at the same time every night. Does she have a favorite stuffed animal that she sleeps with? If not, maybe go on a mommy-daughter date and find a stuffed animal she loves.0 -
I think a chart with a reward system is awesome. You could also do a marble jar, where she puts a set amount in for things and sleeping through gets the most, and she can "spend" them on smaller rewards (e.g., ice cream with you, a movie, a trip to five below...) or "save" them for a big thing (e.g., a tablet, a "sleepover" in the living room with mom or something...). That way, you aren't set into a pattern that breaks the bank with expensive rewards, and she can tailor the system to her needs (if she likes short-cycle reinforcement vs. if she can hold off...which sometimes varies by the week!). You could do this with her chart too, # of stickers can be "traded in".
You could set up a jar for each of the boys as well, and assign household chores for marbles so they are in on the fun and they feel more like siblings in that respect, but the rewards can be tailored to the child (they may like time with Dad or time with you, even). I found with my kids (or even my students) they preferred experiences to tangible rewards (sitting in the special chair at school or with my kids, going somewhere alone with me).
Good luck and keep us posted! xo0 -
We had a 100% successful night last night!! I hope this continues! I made her a reward chart, and now that she can see what she has to work toward, I think it really reinforced it for her. I asked her if she woke up at all last night, and she said yes, but that she just went back to sleep after seeing I wasn't there. HOOOORAY!!! Her first small reward is being able to sleep in the bunk bed in the boy's room if she can make it to the weekend. More incentive for her to keep doing so good. I actually had to go in and wake her up this morning, and I made sure to tell her how awesome she did!
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We had a 100% successful night last night!! I hope this continues! I made her a reward chart, and now that she can see what she has to work toward, I think it really reinforced it for her. I asked her if she woke up at all last night, and she said yes, but that she just went back to sleep after seeing I wasn't there. HOOOORAY!!! Her first small reward is being able to sleep in the bunk bed in the boy's room if she can make it to the weekend. More incentive for her to keep doing so good. I actually had to go in and wake her up this morning, and I made sure to tell her how awesome she did!
Huzzah! I don't know you but I am chuffed to bits for you and your little girl.
I would expect her to continue to have episodes at some point in the future but as long as they are decreasing in frequency then you are moving in the right direction. Be patient, be kind but be consistent with your approach and you will be golden
Being a parent is such a hard job but so rewarding as well.0 -
Yes and yes Thanks! 0
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Glad to hear it and wishing you continued success!0
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My suggestion is simply just talk to her. Find out why she feels the need to act the way she does, then find some kind of common ground by creating a new bedtime routine with her. Early in this topic someone suggested reading a book "with" her not "to" her because she is old enough to read it herself. Or be creative and you two can think of something else to do together that will be calming and reassuring to her. Just don't be angry, and snap at her. She is looking for comfort it sounds like. Maybe if she gets to give her opinion on a new routine and feel important that way, she will be more likely to commit to it?0
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She needs to learn to deal with it. If it is truly separation anxiety and is this severe I would say counseling may help.
^ This.
Show her you love her and get her some help.0 -
We had a 100% successful night last night!! I hope this continues! I made her a reward chart, and now that she can see what she has to work toward, I think it really reinforced it for her. I asked her if she woke up at all last night, and she said yes, but that she just went back to sleep after seeing I wasn't there. HOOOORAY!!! Her first small reward is being able to sleep in the bunk bed in the boy's room if she can make it to the weekend. More incentive for her to keep doing so good. I actually had to go in and wake her up this morning, and I made sure to tell her how awesome she did!
Awesome!0
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