Wedding woes-more etiquette questions

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oregonzoo
oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
in Chit-Chat
Trying to schedule a bridal shower and running into issues. Thought what the heck, I'd get some opinions.

First off. I DON'T want a flipping Bridal shower. Enough about this whole event is "about me" I hate a fuss.
My fiance wants "presents" so he and his mother think I ought to have one.


The only date his mother would be able to make is 2 weeks after the bachelorette weekend.

So two weeks after spending THAT money and a month before any wedding expenses they have to do this?

I'm tempted to just forget the whole idea.

I do think if people want to buy us a gift, they'll buy us a gift.
I don't want to suck more of peoples time and money than I already had.
And I certainly don't need a hat made of bows and to have a bunch of women sitting around giggling about the "Wedding night" while drinking some watered down champagne punch with ice cream in it............

So do I just tell the fiance and his mom "Sorry, this just won't fly" or do I suck it up and be forced to play pretty princess for an additional day?
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Replies

  • Doughgirl25
    Doughgirl25 Posts: 107
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    Totally suck it up! My friend got married in the UK last year, and what they decided to do was turn the shower into a family type co-ed cookout. Made it more of an informal get together, no party games, just drinks, food and laughs. Best bridal shower I've ever gone to. They didn't even open gifts in front of people. It was great!
  • readysetgo69
    readysetgo69 Posts: 28
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    It is your day, schedule it when it is convenient for you not her :)

    If she can't be there, OH Well :)
  • leggup
    leggup Posts: 2,942 Member
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    Etiquette-wise, you're not obligated to say yes to every party everyone offers to throw you. It can put a lot of added stress on overlapping guests. It can cause hurt feelings when a mother in law invites all the aunts and kiddies to the bridal shower and you're not planning on inviting any of them to the wedding.

    First, you need to get your future husband on board with you and come at this as a team. Since it would be a party thrown for you that you don't want, he needs to respect that you don't want it. He shouldn't ask you to do this just because he wants gifts. Remind him that a lot of the gifts would be for you and only you anyway. For my shower, a lot of people gave me cookbooks, spa vouchers, candles, bath and shower products, and tea stuff. You can also explain to him that people typically budget a total gift cost and then split it up into the different wedding events. If I am going to go to a wedding and give a $100 gift (keeping it even), but then I get invited to 2 bridal showers and a bachelorette party, I will probably end up spending $25 on the bridal shower gift and $75-80 on the wedding gift.

    Once he sees the light, you both should talk to his mother about how wonderful she is and how kind to think of you, but that you really don't want to do a bridal shower, you're so overwhelmed, etc. Ultimately, it's up to your husband if his mother is pressing the issue and making you uncomfortable.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
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    If you invite those particular women to the wedding, I think they will buy you a gift if they want to. Our "mistake" when we got married was that we had a destination wedding and knew not very many folks would be able to come. So we didn't even bother sending out invitations; instead, we just called everyone up and told them the date. That is what caused us to not get very many gifts. We thought people would understand, but apparently they were offended they didn't get invited.

    If you really don't want to have a bridal shower, maybe a compromise is in order. Meet for a brunch or lunch at a casual restaurant where you can receive gifts. Everyone can order a dessert instead of buying a cake or something.
  • jnichel
    jnichel Posts: 4,553 Member
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    Personally, I don't think you're being selfish enough. It's your event...put your foot down and do it the way you want it done.
  • ThisCanadian
    ThisCanadian Posts: 1,086 Member
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    You sound like a selfish brat to me. Just an observation!!!

    So the fact I don't want the women in my wedding party to turn around and have to spend that much money or time makes me a brat?
    Interesting.

    You seem to have a reading comprehension problem.

    Agreed. I'm at a lost to see how you can be considered a "selfish brat" in this scenario.

    Don't let anybody strong arm you into something you're uncomfortable with. If you feel like you don't need to have a shower then put your foot down, the sooner the better.
  • Samer1Q
    Samer1Q Posts: 19 Member
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    Sometimes wedding traditions are more for the family than the bride and groom. If you've picked the right man, this will be your only bridal shower ever, so I'm sure you can suck it up for one day. If you're worried about your friends spending too much money, tell them in person that you don't expect a gift or just something small. You don't have to do a traditional bridal shower it you think they are stuffy and boring - make it fun and make it yours! Be creative!
  • kawookie
    kawookie Posts: 813 Member
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    Here is how I would solve it.

    <name of soon to be mom-in-law> it is tacky for me to host my own bridal shower. I feel that my maid of honor and bridal party have done enough and I don't feel comfortable asking them to host me another party. If you wish to throw us a party I would be happy to accept, but I would expect your son to be there also, so a co-ed party would be the most appropriate.

    Main ideas:
    1) A bride does not throw her own parties
    2) You do not expect your friends who are already spending big $ on dresses and other wedding events to do so
    3) If your MIL wants to do so, your future husband is also on the hook because you will likely know no one well.

    (Personally, I had a few bridal showers -- one with school friends and one of family-- but each were something that was not planned by me. Neither one was a big deal. One was cake and punch and favorite recipe party, and the other was a pampered chef party so I could get a few gadgets for my kitchen while we all had brunch and chatted. The pampered chef party was super easy because people didn't have to bring a gift with them, I had a number of very inexpensive items on the list and I didn't get any duplicates. :wink: )
  • RWilliams_Fit
    RWilliams_Fit Posts: 81 Member
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    do whatever YOU want. YOU are the bride...YOU are the one who needs to be made happy. Gifts will come at the wedding too. Do not do anything you do not want to. being a bride is stressful enough... let go of stress anywhere possible

    and congrats!!
  • 365andstillalive
    365andstillalive Posts: 663 Member
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    My cousin ran into this problem as well; because of overly involved parents they've had 3 stag and does, a wedding shower, a bridal shower, and an "open house" for people who were friends/family but wouldn't be invited to the wedding.

    I think when it comes down to it, it's your and your husband to be's decision. If you're uncomfortable with a bridal shower, ask to do a wedding shower instead. Then it's co-ed and you can treat it more like a get together. If it would work to skip renting a venue, use your back yard or get a permit to do it at a public park (they're usually pretty cheap), and just do a cook-out or something. If you feel uncomfortable asking people to bring gifts (although we all know some people will), you could always do it like a pot-luck.

    Really, it's your wedding, not your mother in laws, so talk to your man and figure out what you two want, and go from there.
  • skinnybearlyndsay
    skinnybearlyndsay Posts: 798 Member
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    Here is how I would solve it.

    <name of soon to be mom-in-law> it is tacky for me to host my own bridal shower. I feel that my maid of honor and bridal party have done enough and I don't feel comfortable asking them to host me another party. If you wish to throw us a party I would be happy to accept, but I would expect your son to be there also, so a co-ed party would be the most appropriate.

    Main ideas:
    1) A bride does not throw her own parties
    2) You do not expect your friends who are already spending big $ on dresses and other wedding events to do so
    3) If your MIL wants to do so, your future husband is also on the hook because you will likely know no one well.

    This. All of this. I didn't expect my MOH or anyone to throw me a bridal shower. Some ladies that I have known almost my entire life threw it and it was awesome. I did say I didn't want games or anything over the top and they listened. If you don't want a bridal shower, then they need to respect that.

    What gives me pause is that your fiancé is coming across as selfish. Yes, you get presents, but that's not what it should be about. If he's not respecting your decision and standing up to your future MIL and you guys aren't even married yet, things are going to be not so good after y'all are hitched.
  • short_nerdy_lady
    short_nerdy_lady Posts: 152
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    I'm solving this problem by NOT having a wedding and just doing a small little City Hall thing with a meal after. The whole big white wedding thing gives me the hebbie jeebies.
  • ItsJordanNicole
    ItsJordanNicole Posts: 110 Member
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    Ok, editing after reading ALL of the comments and understanding more what is going on, your first post confused me a little. If you don't want a shower, I think that you should just tell them that. Your fiance and MIL shouldn't have anything to do with it because it's not about them . Have you told your girls that you don't want a shower? They're all the support that you really need as they are the ones who would be throwing the shower.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    Can't you just go out and drink booze?
  • rebeccaplatt21
    rebeccaplatt21 Posts: 175
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    Totally suck it up! My friend got married in the UK last year, and what they decided to do was turn the shower into a family type co-ed cookout. Made it more of an informal get together, no party games, just drinks, food and laughs. Best bridal shower I've ever gone to. They didn't even open gifts in front of people. It was great!


    we did something very similar to this! we had a co-ed 'shower' but it was a wine tasting and had food. some people brought gifts. and we opened them. i think we did a COUPLE of games. it was a lot of fun. and neither of us had a bachelor/bachelorette party
  • BigT555
    BigT555 Posts: 2,067 Member
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    Trying to schedule a bridal shower and running into issues. Thought what the heck, I'd get some opinions.

    First off. I DON'T want a flipping Bridal shower. Enough about this whole event is "about me" I hate a fuss.
    My fiance wants "presents" so he and his mother think I ought to have one.
    it is about you, but thats why you shouldnt have one, not why you should. why do something that you dont want to do for your own wedding? doesnt make sense to me. if your fiance wants gifts then maybe he should have a groom shower
  • enterdanger
    enterdanger Posts: 2,447 Member
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    I eloped just to avoid situations like this. However, I wasn't able to get out of having a baby shower so I asked my mom to do a display shower and to do it for brunch. This way I didn't take up people's whole day. We didn't have any stupid games like guess how many inches my fat stomach is. Because it was a display shower, everyone brought their gifts unwrapped so I didn't have to bore everyone spending time painstakingly opening each gift. It actually turned out kind of fun. Just a big party.
  • liekewheeless
    liekewheeless Posts: 416 Member
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    If she wants to trow you a shower let her have at it. Just show up and that's it. You can ask her to not make to much of a fuss.

    You could request for guests NOT to bring a present. Anyone does bring one, thank them and put it away (so everyone who actually listened won't feel awkward. )

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