I'm becoming unattractive to him

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  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
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    I'm not sure I'm thinking about the right reason to get more serious. A part of me wants to not try and another wants to show him but will I want to be with someone that put more meaning on looks.

    Hate to break it to you, but everybody puts meaning on "looks".

    Including you.

    And there are very very good biological and evolutionary reasons to do so.
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
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    Is this the whole post? Did I miss something? I don't really understand the question. :huh:

    To bottom-line the OP: "I want to do what I want and not experience any negative consequences for anything I do."
  • CaddieMay
    CaddieMay Posts: 356 Member
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    When I was with my ex, I noticed I was gaining a bit of weight. It didn't bother him. He said he liked me with a few extra pounds. But it bothered me. I didn't feel sexy or confident with extra "baggage," so I started to eat better. It was nice to know that if I gained a bit of weight, he wouldn't be less attracted to me, but the bottom line was how *I* felt about myself when I looked in the mirror. OP, if you look in the mirror and TRULY like what you see, then you don't have a problem - he does. And you need to end the relationship. But if the mirror tell you otherwise, do something about it.

    Incidentally, I lost the weight and the ex gained about 30. He looks like a dump truck.
  • opus649
    opus649 Posts: 633 Member
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    I heard on the Oprah show years ago that when people argue about the toilet paper roll not facing the right direction on the roll that the argument is not really about the toilet paper roll at all.

    http://www.cnet.com/news/over-or-under-the-science-of-toilet-paper-orientation/
  • BobOki
    BobOki Posts: 245 Member
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    I am torn on this.
    #1. If you don't mind doing it for him/her.. do it..
    #2. Screw him/her this is your body.
    #3. His/her feelings likes matter and I have gotten worse
    #4. Love me unconditionally


    Like I said I am torn. I really value looks as in a sexual level I am grossly turned off by excess weight, cellulite, etc. A relationship is not all love.. there has to be physical attraction there and sexual desire and if you do not look appealing to me those go away. On the other hand changing for someone else is not the reason to get in shape and better yourself, but if that desire happen to coincide with the other then I see no reason not to do it. Lastly if you do not wish to lose, then that is YOUR decision, weigh that with possibly losing mate and if it is worth to you.

    Anyone that says they should love you unconditionally is fooling themselves and living in a Disney dream world. Life is compromise, and even with your own body, you give what you feel comfortable giving to make your partner happy and they do the same.
  • laura2813
    laura2813 Posts: 84 Member
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    I've been a divorce lawyer for over 30 years.... relationships are highly over-rated, love is a sham and sex is a band-aid. Losing weight is like quitting drugs... it's only going to work if you want to do it for yourself. Doing it for someone else leads to failure and disappointment, because at the end of the day, no one really gives a **** if you lose weight or quit drugs or whatever... they are too worried about their own issues. And the last thing you ever, ever want to do is try to lose weight to make some guy happy. That will land you in relationship that will do nothing but run you down.

    Great response!
  • SrJoben
    SrJoben Posts: 484 Member
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    That is because our society is focused on looks. Its been programmed into us

    If by "society", you mean the human race since it began, then sure I guess.

    Hahaha, ^This!

    I remember being 3 years old and looking at a chick in a swimsuit on the cover of a magazine and wondering why I didn't want to stop looking at her. It's part of human instinct, not society.

    Yes. Exactly this. At about that age I loved looking at beautiful women. I'd never even heard of sex.

    It's not an artificial society thing. For better or worse it's a human thing.
  • stealthq
    stealthq Posts: 4,298 Member
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    I am torn on this.
    #1. If you don't mind doing it for him/her.. do it..
    #2. Screw him/her this is your body.
    #3. His/her feelings likes matter and I have gotten worse
    #4. Love me unconditionally


    Like I said I am torn. I really value looks as in a sexual level I am grossly turned off by excess weight, cellulite, etc. A relationship is not all love.. there has to be physical attraction there and sexual desire and if you do not look appealing to me those go away. On the other hand changing for someone else is not the reason to get in shape and better yourself, but if that desire happen to coincide with the other then I see no reason not to do it. Lastly if you do not wish to lose, then that is YOUR decision, weigh that with possibly losing mate and if it is worth to you.

    Anyone that says they should love you unconditionally is fooling themselves and living in a Disney dream world. Life is compromise, and even with your own body, you give what you feel comfortable giving to make your partner happy and they do the same.

    Agree on the changing for someone else, though sometimes getting started for someone else can be the kick in the butt you need to decide to do it for yourself.

    Agree that a physical relationship requires, to some degree, physical attraction. And if the physical relationship is the glue holding your overall relationship together, well, it's going to fall apart when the attraction ends.

    Disagree that expecting someone to love and stay with you despite not having the physical relationship is living in a dream world. At least, if we're talking a marriage-worthy relationship. Just about any couple that manages to stay together through severe illness or injury or just manages to stay together into old age does it. Hell, ask any couple that's stayed married for a couple of decades. I can almost guarantee they all went through a period were they weren't physical with each other for various reasons.

    Also agree with previous posters - prefer that he tell you there's an issue so you can decide what to do about it. Also, so when he doesn't seem that into you, you know why and don't flail around guessing. Just because he tells you there's a problem, it doesn't mean he intends to leave if you don't change. (OK, yeah, in the current culture, and without knowing anything about the guy, it's more likely than not - but it isn't guaranteed).
  • Artionis
    Artionis Posts: 105 Member
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    I've been a divorce lawyer for over 30 years.... relationships are highly over-rated, love is a sham and sex is a band-aid. Losing weight is like quitting drugs... it's only going to work if you want to do it for yourself. Doing it for someone else leads to failure and disappointment, because at the end of the day, no one really gives a **** if you lose weight or quit drugs or whatever... they are too worried about their own issues. And the last thing you ever, ever want to do is try to lose weight to make some guy happy. That will land you in relationship that will do nothing but run you down.

    It's quite sad that you have become so cynical. You have missed out on meeting couples married for decades who are devoted to each other, hold hands at every opportunity, and can't imagine life without the other. Couples who, despite sagging, aging, imperfect bodies still hold each other in awe and respect and deep caring. Couples who have laughed together, cried together, endured hardship and disappointment together, and the one constant in their lives remains their love. More of these couples exist than you could ever imagine.
  • laura2813
    laura2813 Posts: 84 Member
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    I remember my husband once told me he wasn't comfortable with fat women, and hoped I never got to be that way. My feelings were hurt, and I was very thin at the time. I've never been attracted to very thin men, but guess what? We both learned something. He's underweight, I'm overweight, and it doesn't matter. Would he like to gain a little? Yes; and Lord knows, I'd be more comfortable if I was thinner; but I love him for his huge heart, and loyalty more than for his good looks. I'm old enough now to realize how quickly looks fade. It's what's on the inside that makes for lasting relationships. Yes, physical attraction is what gets the ball rolling, but it's the loving, gentle soul that keeps the game going. Our 24th anniversary is this month, and in those 24 years, I've gotten to see what he's really made of; which makes me love him even more. Work on improving you for you. If your SO is of good character, he will support you. If not, Mr. Right will be just around the corner.

    Congrats on your 24 years!! You don't see many people stick together for this length of time much anymore. Good going!!
  • TinyTeTe
    TinyTeTe Posts: 22 Member
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    Last night I woke up to a dream that stuck in my head. I have a very attractive ex and I have contemplated going back to her. I dreamed that she came to visit me, but she was an African American woman with short hair. She had the same personality, but she was physically different. I was not attracted to her. She came back again to visit and she had makeup on in an attempt to lighten her dark complexion, and I was not attracted to her. She came back and she was herself, but with a different hair color. I was not attracted to her. Her personality was the same though. Finally she came back as her smoking hot self that she always was, but I saw nothing but physical flaws and personality flaws that I had seen in the past, but had overlooked or accepted. I only saw flaws.

    Maybe the dream is a lesson for me to not put so much into appearances, or to get to know people more than I have in the past. I have had relationships with African American women in the past, so the fact that she came to visit as an African American woman was not the turn off for me... The turn off for me is that at some point I only saw flaws.

    I heard on the Oprah show years ago that when people argue about the toilet paper roll not facing the right direction on the roll that the argument is not really about the toilet paper roll at all. That could be the case here. There might be something going on at a deeper level. There might be something else that is not being addressed.

    On the other hand, I stayed with an ex for several years that I was not attracted to at all in hopes that things would get better. I tied up 9 years of each of our lives with that. It didn't work in the end and I had to let her go where she could have a more honest relationship with someone who would be genuinely attracted to her.

    ♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫If it don't come easy, you gotta let it go♪♫♪♫♪♫

    :frown: :ohwell:
  • ElkeKNJ
    ElkeKNJ Posts: 207 Member
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    My husband wants me to be thinner as well and told me so a couple of times. He is a great husband and father, and I want to give him this as a present, he deserves this. First day in, I was very resentful, but quickly felt better about myself. And I do have my own insecurities about my looks, so I am looking forward to reaching my goal, which is my all-time feel-food weight.
    He was right, I was wrong
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
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    I'm not sure I'm thinking about the right reason to get more serious. A part of me wants to not try and another wants to show him but will I want to be with someone that put more meaning on looks. Sigh.... I wish I don't have to deal with this BS.
    :flowerforyou:

    There is no "right reason" to get serious, there are just a bunch of reasons for a bunch of people.

    The part of you that wants to not try is the hurt part the emotional part.

    The one that wants to show him is the ego and self preserving part.

    The part that will decide to do this anyways because it's good for you and worry later about wether you will want to be with him or not if he indeed turns out to "put more meaning on looks" is the best part, the real part, the YOU part.

    Now go get em tiger. Worry about the other stuff after. Decide later if he was only in it for your looks or if that was a valid stance as per your value system.

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