how to deal with sister's body/food comments?
Replies
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Ugh! I hate passive aggressiveness. It's so annoying.
My sister and my mom are the QUEENS of passive aggressive comments - so my advice is to be as direct as possible with them. It's the only way to deal with it.
Good luck!0 -
cancel the invitation.0
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Your sister sounds like my mother and my sister! One time my sister took her finger and poked my belly and said something to the fact I am gaining weight in my stomach now (this was in my late 40's) I took her finger and jerked it away. My mother...same thing...always commenting on my weight and everyone else we know who has gained weight. How do I deal with my mother? Sometimes I will remind her I never was as heavy as her in her 50's! She now is super thin. I think these women are INSECURE and MEAN. Would you ever comment on someone's weight? I know I wouldn't. It makes me not want to spend a lot of time with either one of them...and I don't. Sometimes we need to distance ourselves in order to maintain our self-esteem. Have her stay at a HOTEL and meet up with her for some fun activities that don't revolve around food. Problem solved.0
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This sounds like my mom and older sister. They both have body image issues and low self esteem themselves. They'll point out how much I'm eating or whenever I cook, they'll insult it and say things like "oh that's too fatty for me" or " I can't eat that or I'll get fat." There's no such things as real compliments in my family. Only passive aggressive comments and actions. I know it's hard but you can either ignore her or tell her to her face that you don't appreciate those comments. I've stood up to my own mom once about my acne (well when I used to have acne), and she completely stopped saying anything about it. Before, she'll keep pointing out my flaws to other people which annoyed the hell out of me but she stopped doing that for now.... Well at least not when I'm around.0
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Next time she complains, just tell her you won't cook for her any more and then don't.
My sister and I would never say these things to each other. But even if we did we'd never get offended. Are you sure she means what you think she means?0 -
She is not going to change. This is who she is. You may HAVE to love her, but quit feeling guilty for not liking her. I've been there, I know. I would do anything for my sister if she needed me.....but it has taken years for me to learn how to be around her without feeling like the "failure" she would paint me as. And, once I let go of feeling guilty for not being closer to her, a wonderful feeling of freedom followed.
The only thing you can do is make a decision here and now that what she says does not define you; her words only serve to show the type of person SHE is. As long as you are being a good person with good intentions, what difference do her comments really make, other than to show her true colors?
I personally have a little spot on the inside of my cheek that I can bite on and still smile at the same time.0 -
well I guess all you could say is "You are my sister and I love you, but I really do not appreciate your comments and ask that you do not say them again"......my sisters are the same way.....one of them lost her daughter a few years back and grabbed my daughter's arm and said "I wish it was you".....I only found out about this recently........sisters can be harsh.....don't know if I should even say anything to her about that but it sure hurts......good luck0
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Where does her husband/BF sleep?0
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UMMMM where are your parents?! They should put a stop to his verbal abuse! That's their job!0
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This won't be helpful, but pretty sure I'd be telling her to eff off, with a smile, of course.0
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I'd be interested with help of some sort too. My brother, who is quite thin, says similar things, but it a cruder manner. I live at home with him (I'm still in high school), so I can't really get away from it. He calls me things like "that fat b****" or "worthless fatty." I try not to let it get to me, but it really hurts. One of the reasons I joined mfp was to become fit so no one ever talked to me like that again, but progress is slow and this isn't going away.
My prior comment was for you btw. Where are your parents????0 -
well I guess all you could say is "You are my sister and I love you, but I really do not appreciate your comments and ask that you do not say them again"......my sisters are the same way.....one of them lost her daughter a few years back and grabbed my daughter's arm and said "I wish it was you".....I only found out about this recently........sisters can be harsh.....don't know if I should even say anything to her about that but it sure hurts......good luck
Whoa, that is a really cruel thing for an aunt to say to her niece. ♡0 -
"You're being rude.
Stay out of my closet.
Eat what I cooked, without comment, or make your own."
^ This. And if that's not enough then invite her to leave.0 -
I know it is. I could not say that to any child. She has always been cold and hard to me. Just didn't know she did that to my kids. I'm just wondering if I should call her on it or let it go. I know it has affected my daughter.0
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my sister lives in Vancouver too....isn't that strange??0
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I know it is. I could not say that to any child. She has always been cold and hard to me. Just didn't know she did that to my kids. I'm just wondering if I should call her on it or let it go. I know it has affected my daughter.
Yeah, I don't know what you should do or say to your sister.
It's good you know now, and can support your daughter. I wouldn't leave my daughter alone with her after finding that out. I would limit my contact with her.0 -
I haven't seen her in years and my daughter is now your age....thanks for replying0
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"You're being rude.
Stay out of my closet.
Eat what I cooked, without comment, or make your own."
yeah... pretty much this, though that's a lot nicer than i would have phrased any of it.0 -
I haven't seen her in years and my daughter is now your age....thanks for replying
That's good. You're Welcome! Sorry your sister was like that. ♡0 -
My sister is amazing but I wonder sometimes if she has body image issues...which she loves to project on me. She is coming to visit me for over 2 weeks, and honestly I get tired of her comments. All the females from my mom's side are little, including me and my sister. She was more athletic growing up, where I was a bit softer. But still, we are small ladies and are within 5 lbs of the same size.
When she visits she always makes comments like "oh I went through your closet to borrow some pants but they were falling off me." or "Lesley, you have a nice figure for a larger curvier girl." (I weigh 100 pounds, I don't think that can be considered larger!!!) She always comments about other people's sizes, too, relatives, friends, strangers it is so exhausting.
But the real question is how do I deal with food when she visits? I cook a lot, and by most people's standards eat very well/ whole food/ lots of lean protein, veggies and fruits.. Whenever she visits she will make comments about the food I make and how rich it is, or how heavy it is and she asks how can I eat like that. This is when I serve roasted carrots and chicken, or pasta with broccoli, or a salad with grilled meat, you know fairly normal things. I'll make veggie salads and lighter things, too, but she she finds something to complain about then, the dressing is too creamy, I didn't buy lofat cheese etc...when I ask if I should buy her groceries to keep in my house she always insists no.
There are a bunch of other relatives visiting this time too, who are all easy/ appreciate my cooking efforts, but I find my sister's needs tiring, especially when coupled with comments about how big my butt is.
After reading all this, and such commentary by her...I'm kinda surprised you are having her over.0 -
>>>INSERT UNNECESSARY RANT EXAMPLE HERE:
And I can't just ignore her when she says things about other people because she gets worked up trying to get me to agree with her. She was telling me how some coworkers told her she was lucky to be so little. She actually took offense at that and said "no, it's because I work out and don't eat cupcakes like you guys do at the meetings." That could be partly true, but I think genetics has a lot to do with it as we are petite. And anyway she could have been nicer and said something like, "yeah I do have a little frame but I've found as I get older exercise really helps."
She got really bothered by that as though her coworkers were attacking her or something. Then she was bothered that I wouldn't agree with her and when I mentioned that she could have been thankful and kind in her response.
<<<END UNNECESSARY RANT.
see now that you mention this, i think maybe you and your sister need to work on having other things to talk about. maybe she thinks the only way to connect with you is to engage in negative whiner trashtalking?
maybe you can suggest that you guys find a new hobby together, that way you can divert the conversation to that and it's something you can both take part in..
I've tried that. There are certain people who that's their whole life. They don't have another "setting" I guess you could say. It gets tiring and it's hard if you feel "stuck" in a situation with them. You allmost have to end up losing a bunch of other peopel when you cut them off because for some strange reason those types seem to have a knack for entrenching themselves with other, cooler, much nicer people.0 -
thanks...I'm sorry too....unfortunately I have 2 sisters like that.....I feel like Cinderella......lol0
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I know you probably have gotten enough advice but I wanted to say I identify with you and your situation. I have a step-monster who was a pro at the off-hand compliment... you know the kind that you say THANKS! and then walk away and think “...wait a minute, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?” Anyways, for years I bit my tongue, kept it in and went home and complained and cried to anyone that would listen. It was very hurtful. After years of this, and a lot of urging from friends, I finally stood up to her and her cutting comments. I didn't need to stoop to her level, I didn't need to give her a “ zinger ”. ( although I had some really good burns just boiling inside ) The next time she gave me a passive - aggressive jab, I called her on it. I, very directly, ( which was really hard for me, I didn't have the confidence to speak up for myself at that time ) said that, although it may not be her intention, her comments make me uncomfortable and sometimes hurt my feelings. She was shocked. Something changed right then. She was speechless and tried to back-peddle, telling me she was just being humorous etc. I confidently said well your jokes need some work
Its not a big deal to a lot of people to directly tell others when they are being hurt, offended etc by them, and I admire that greatly. Ever since the day I spoke up to my step-mother, Ive felt a little more empowered and more in control of my boundaries and speak up when they are being crossed
Good luck,
JFM0 -
I can help.
I propose we do something along the lines of Dangerous Liaisons / Cruel Intentions.
you're going to get her in trouble with mom for having a crush on the cello tutor? :huh:0 -
One of my biggest challenges in life is speaking up and communicating directly. It is true, I need to just say that I don't want to hear any comments about my (or other people's) bodies. The cooking thing seems harder though. I don't know how to say to her if you don't like it you don't have to eat it without sounding aggressive or mean.
Oh, I know...when you make up her guest bedroom have pamplhets and printouts of body image literature like the kind you'd find in a dove commercial or something. Put those on the pillow with a square of chocolate and a daisy.
Maybe she'll take a hint.
If not second night, you put a muzzle on her pillow.0 -
Wow! Maybe she likes to put you down to make herself feel better? Maybe you could just tell her you don't appreciate that! If no one has ever said anything about it, maybe she doesn't know how often she does it! I wouldn't change any of my cooking or anything for her. If she doesn't like it tell her she doesn't have to eat it if she thinks it's too fattening. She seems a bit unlogical, and probably just best not to dwell on things she says because she doesn't make sense. Good luck!0
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thanks...I'm sorry too....unfortunately I have 2 sisters like that.....I feel like Cinderella......lol
:flowerforyou: 0 -
My sister is amazing but I wonder sometimes if she has body image issues...which she loves to project on me. She is coming to visit me for over 2 weeks, and honestly I get tired of her comments. All the females from my mom's side are little, including me and my sister. She was more athletic growing up, where I was a bit softer. But still, we are small ladies and are within 5 lbs of the same size.
When she visits she always makes comments like "oh I went through your closet to borrow some pants but they were falling off me." or "Lesley, you have a nice figure for a larger curvier girl." (I weigh 100 pounds, I don't think that can be considered larger!!!) She always comments about other people's sizes, too, relatives, friends, strangers it is so exhausting.
But the real question is how do I deal with food when she visits? I cook a lot, and by most people's standards eat very well/ whole food/ lots of lean protein, veggies and fruits.. Whenever she visits she will make comments about the food I make and how rich it is, or how heavy it is and she asks how can I eat like that. This is when I serve roasted carrots and chicken, or pasta with broccoli, or a salad with grilled meat, you know fairly normal things. I'll make veggie salads and lighter things, too, but she she finds something to complain about then, the dressing is too creamy, I didn't buy lofat cheese etc...when I ask if I should buy her groceries to keep in my house she always insists no.
There are a bunch of other relatives visiting this time too, who are all easy/ appreciate my cooking efforts, but I find my sister's needs tiring, especially when coupled with comments about how big my butt is.
Tell her to cut the crap out or go and find a hotel to stay, and be serious about it, then walk away from her.
Do not under any circumstances back down.0 -
oh Looooooord do I feel your pain! My sister does the SAME thing to me, and it is just so obnoxious and irritating!
Here's what I usually do...I give myself a free pass to say WHATEVER...and I mean WHATEVER...I want to about my sister or the situation or one of her comments in my head while I keep a smile on my face. And sometimes the comments that pop into my head are so amusing I actually am able to laugh off what she says! Try these answers...
Your pants are falling off me: Oh I am so sorry to hear that!!! Should I call my tailor?
This is so fatty: Ah silly me adding wayyyyyyyy too much butter AGAIN!!!
You eat so much: You're right, it's tough living with a truck-driver's appetite!
I know this situation is tough, but kill her with kindness! And tell yourself whatever you need to in your head, fake it til you make it sister! 0 -
This is very similar to my family. My mom, her sister, and her mother (now deceased) ALL do this. Its their go-to conversation. Complain about the food by saying how hard it is to eat it because they are so thin and have digestive situations. They constantly comment on their own thin body parts and make recommendations to my eating and cooking habits (I'm not thin and therefore need to be "fixed.") They don't necessarily call me "fat" but they are eluding to it either way.
Since its my mother, its not like I can just tell her off or even get her to change. Some people will never change. They don't hear you when you tell them how they are making you feel. I realize now, at 65 years old, my mother will always do this. So I just nod my head and zone out and change the subject and try and be pleasant. I only see her once or twice every two weeks, and I limit the meals we spend together. Sometimes I visit without us eating together.
We just had a family reunion where it was quite comical after a while. My mother and sister with a ton of food around, and all of the complaints and food comments - meanwhile, neither were even eating anything.
I'm finally at the point with these people that I don't even care. And I think that's the key.
Good luck!0
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