When MFP pals' diaries reveal problems...

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  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
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    Theyll see that you posted this about them and probably remove you.
    Won't be a problem then.

    ^This.
  • sloth3toes
    sloth3toes Posts: 2,212 Member
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    I click the "Remove Friend" button and let them be someone else's problem. But I rarely go looking around other peoples' stuff unless I know they did something awesome that day and really pigged out.

    You'd probably enjoy some of my Oreo binges, then.

    4813678142_58430860c6.jpg
  • _Zardoz_
    _Zardoz_ Posts: 3,987 Member
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    Did the person ask for your advice?
    By having an open diary aren't you asking for comment? Surely if people don't want comments or people to look they just keep it private.
  • snapdragon1231
    snapdragon1231 Posts: 36 Member
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    But, when I am concerned, I send a thoughful pm. They clear it up for me. If it's a full blown destructive eating disorder with no end in sight, I unfriend.
    This but they usually close thier diary or unfriend you first. I think it's reasonable to ask a question.
  • nutmegoreo
    nutmegoreo Posts: 15,532 Member
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    I click the "Remove Friend" button and let them be someone else's problem. But I rarely go looking around other peoples' stuff unless I know they did something awesome that day and really pigged out.

    This - though I suggest eating more a couple of times first.

    All of this.

    This. Through PM.

    ETA: Some people have medical reasons for the choices they make. For example bypass surgery patients. I have stopped looking in diaries, and I don't comment or 'like' them. If someone asks for my thoughts, I will look and give feedback. I can be supportive to people in other ways, ways that do not drive my judgmental side crazy. It is not up to you to change their behaviors, if you cannot support it, unfriend.
  • RamonaFr
    RamonaFr Posts: 112
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    Well, for the person on the receiving end it can feel like nagging, or it can feel like someone cares. You can't tell how someone will react. I think, if you're concerned, maybe a gentle comment and see how the person responds. But, something to remember, there's a lot of info on nutrition out there in the ether and usually you'll be telling the person something he/she already knows.

    In my own case, I like a little praise for the stuff I'm doing right, rather than nagging on the stuff I'm doing wrong. It's one foot in front of the other and I make gradual progress, but someone pointing out repeatedly what I'm doing wrong doesn't help.

    That said, I have one MFP friend who makes a gentle constructive comment now and then, and I don't mind. She's right, and it's something I need to work on.
  • loveless_me
    loveless_me Posts: 115 Member
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    I think that they wont listen.
    But I have a similar problem, but I am the person who eats little, my calorie intake ranges from 800-1200 calories a day. But I am never hungry. I am a vegetarian, I eat 3 meals a day and 2/3 snacks, yet my calorie intake is never high. I'm not starving myself, or depriving myself of nutrients, its just that everything I eat is relatively low in calories. Maybe this person is the same? Send them a message anyway. But don't be accusing unless you want them to take offence
  • nicailyzee
    nicailyzee Posts: 183 Member
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    I personally care but if the person did not ask me I would not say anything because people are already struggling with weight issues and MFP is sometimes the only thing keeping them from breaking. We truly do not know what underlying health issues people struggle with and we usually do not know them personally. This came up on my feed recently with one of my friends and the person who asked the question was deleted. You have choices. Stop looking and if it is hindering your progress delete them. If you are truly concerned (oh say you cannot sleep at night I truly doubt it) and you do it be prepared for the consequences whatever they may be. Good luck!
  • BrainyBurro
    BrainyBurro Posts: 6,129 Member
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    Did the person ask for your advice?
    By having an open diary aren't you asking for comment? Surely if people don't want comments or people to look they just keep it private.

    i disagree.

    i walk around in public without a bag over my head. does that mean that strangers are welcome to come up to me and tell me i'm ugly? :huh:
  • tmauck4472
    tmauck4472 Posts: 1,783 Member
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    I say mind your own.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    Maybe ask them about it and perhaps give them some ED recovery links, but aside from that just leave it be.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    But, when I am concerned, I send a thoughful pm. They clear it up for me. If it's a full blown destructive eating disorder with no end in sight, I unfriend.
    This but they usually close thier diary or unfriend you first. I think it's reasonable to ask a question.

    I have never had a negative response to my question. I know how to ask. I had an ED when I was younger. And I have also had worry warts falsely accuse me of it. So, I know how to ask. Either they reassure me they are healthy. Or they tell me they do have an ED, and thank me for my insight.

    Neda is a good link.
  • tiptoethruthetulips
    tiptoethruthetulips Posts: 3,363 Member
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    We often give unsought advice on the messageboards. We read between the lines and try to encourage someone to eat more, we delve further, we frankly tell people that they have an eating disorder.

    If we can't discuss such concerns with a friend why is it okay to do it to a stranger.

    I say express your concerns about incomplete daily food diary and go from there.
  • amusedmonkey
    amusedmonkey Posts: 10,330 Member
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    I did have a person who consistently logged under 500 calories. I sent them a private message asking if they were being inconsistent with their logging or if that was a diet their doctor temporarily recommended. When it turned out to be neither I apologized that I would be removing them, and they were pretty understanding. If that person were interested in my advice they would have asked me for it saying they were having problems with their food intake, but beyond that I feel like an enabler if I keep them in my friends list.

    When it's a few days every now and then, it's fine. I go through days when I don't feel like eating, feeling sick or too busy to eat and log pretty low. It's not the end of the world if it's just a few days here and there. Not too long ago for example I had a pretty hard oral surgery and was forced to go on a strictly liquid diet for a week. If someone looked at my diary back then they would think I'm detoxing or under eating.
  • icrushit
    icrushit Posts: 773 Member
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    You can't force someone to listen, but you can make sure you've tried to reach them, or at least shared your concern that they're doing something harmful. Beyond that, I would just unfriend them, and perhaps in that action they may see you feel strongly about what you've said.

    Some people may feel its an invasion of privacy to make such comments, but I don't agree with that, and if I feel cause for concern, I will share it. My personal feeling is I refuse to be complicit in someones harmful behaviours, especially complicity through silence.
  • icrushit
    icrushit Posts: 773 Member
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    double post.
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
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    How do you approach someone about changing their habits around here in a way that they will actually listen to you?

    You don't, unless it's a close friend. Especially if you're on the same journey, and a long way from the destination.
  • snapdragon1231
    snapdragon1231 Posts: 36 Member
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    But, when I am concerned, I send a thoughful pm. They clear it up for me. If it's a full blown destructive eating disorder with no end in sight, I unfriend.
    This but they usually close thier diary or unfriend you first. I think it's reasonable to ask a question.

    I have never had a negative response to my question. I know how to ask. I had an ED when I was younger. And I have also had worry warts falsely accuse me of it. So, I know how to ask. Either they reassure me they are healthy. Or they tell me they do have an ED, and thank me for my insight.

    Neda is a good link.

    Yes. I f someone gets super offended there is a reason. I think politely asking is ok if it is a regular occurance. If it bothers me too much I unfriend them becuase I have ED and it messes with my head too much.
  • ChronicOptimist
    ChronicOptimist Posts: 558 Member
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    Huh - it seems like if the person were really struggling with an eating disorder, wouldn't they close their diary?

    But on another note, I'm very open with my friends about my struggle with ED, so when my calories drop low they're on me like white on rice! And I truly appreciate it. But then it's something that I'm open about and have requested their help with. I don't think I would have been very receptive to unsolicited advice.
  • Graelwyn75
    Graelwyn75 Posts: 4,404 Member
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    I think you should remove them if it bothers you and not interfere.

    You messaged me not long ago, out of the blue, when you are not even on my friend list, to suggest I am relapsing back into anorexia (which I had over 20 years ago when I was 18) and to suggest I look as if I am. I was actually quite offended as I eat well, work damn hard and my friends were quite shocked given they can quite clearly see my muscle definition in my photos, which did not come from self starvation. It is rare that someone eating that little, will take kindly to intrusion as usually the reason is an ED or a medical issue/bariatric surgery.
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