How do I talk about weight-loss with an obese friend?
Replies
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I started obese and am now down to being overweight. I was always unhappy when people commented about my weight. The only ones I really appreciated were people who actually asked me to do something with them. For example, my friend Bill goes for a walk after supper each night, so he asked me to walk with him a few times. No comments, no preaching, just a simple walk.
I now walk regularly, and everyone in my office knows it. They have all seen me losing weight over the past year. So I asked my obese co-worker to walk with me a couple of times. No comments about his weight, or about what he should do. Just a simple request to do something with me.
I suggest something like that. Just ask your friend to go for a walk with you. No comments about her weight, and no suggestions. Don't tell her that she needs to exercise, just do something with her. She already knows what she needs to do. You make it easier when you do it with her.
Love this advice!!! Do this, OP!0 -
I agree with what many others have said about possible depression. I have never been morbidly obese, but I did put on about 40 pounds during a depressive episode of my own. I have mild depression anyway, but joblessness, a struggling relationship, and the death of a family member all within a few months sent me into a horrible place.
During that time, I exhibited a lot of the symptoms your friend is currently showing. I didn't talk to my friends, I made no attempt at finding a new job, I didn't get out of the house. I did two things: sleep and eat. All day.
Please talk to her about possible depression. Don't just come out and suggest that she has depression. The problem with this approach is that when you say "I think you have a mental illness", most people hear "You're crazy". Just let her know that you are worried about her, and let her know that you are there if she wants to talk.0 -
When a person is ready, that is when they are ready and will succeed. :They will find their way, to sit them down and point out the obvious is probably not really necessary do you think? Truly, do you think she's unaware of being overweight? Do you think she's not aware that she's put on weight?
My intention was never to point out that she'd put on weight. I'm more concerned with the social isolation and low self esteem that I think the weight plays into. But I agree that weight shouldn't be a part of the conversation - unless she wants it to be and brings it up.0 -
I have been on both sides of the question. I had someone tell me it looked like I had gained weight so I purchased a scale. My weight fluctuated by 2 pounds. I also have a friend who has experienced a steady increase in the size of his beer belly to the point where I'm concerned about his health. If she does choose to be active with you there may need to be modifications to what you do to account for different fitness levels. She might also want the help but not know how to start.0
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One of my very best friends has put on a lot of weight over the last year and a half. I would say she's in the 'morbidly obese' weight range. I feel like she is shutting herself away from friends and social occasions - whereas she used to go to everything and know everyone! She's still the life of the party, but now the party is mainly just her and her family, or me. I want to talk with her about it and encourage her to lose some weight/be more active - in a sensitive, non-douchey way. I want her to feel comfortable in her skin and to not shut herself away.
The other thing I'm mindful of is that I am in a healthy weight range and exercise regularly - I don't want to be preachy!
Has anyone else been on either side of this situation before? I'm especially interested to hear from people who have been in my friend's situation.
I want this to be a positive thing - not a put-down. I just want her to be happy.
You don't. She'll figure it out or she won't.0 -
It's very kind that you are truly concerned about your friend. But, more than likely she is just as concerned herself.
I don't know why we treat obesity differently than other health issues, such as smoking or drinking too much. And yet we do. Obesity just seems so personal.
But you should be concerned about her behavior- maybe she should be screened for depression. It's like a circle of hell; depression over weight, and added weight BECAUSE of depression.
It's funny how we take it so personal if our family or friends talk to us over their concern about our weight, but a doctor or other health care professional tells us and we don't take it personally. (Well, I didn't anyway). Truthfully, I think if my good friend brought it up in a sincere way I'd not be insulted at all.
Maybe you could say something like, "I notice you don't want to do the things you used to do, is there a problem I can help you with?"
If she is insulted and tells you so, just apologize. But I bet she'll know you are truly concerned for her.
Good luck.0 -
For example, when I used to work in offices that had "Biggest Loser" contests and stuff like that, it completely freaked me out and I HATED that attention...I was not a part of the competition, I wasn't ready to lose weight and I'm a perfectionist so I sure as heck was not gonna start something w/o finishing well. But it made me very uncomfortable for others to talk so openly about their weight, dieting, etc.
There are so many negative land mines in the media to dodge! I always feel uncomfortable whenever any kind of body-shaming shows/ads come on! It's impossible to escape.0 -
i think honesty and love can never go wrong0
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For example, when I used to work in offices that had "Biggest Loser" contests and stuff like that, it completely freaked me out and I HATED that attention...I was not a part of the competition, I wasn't ready to lose weight and I'm a perfectionist so I sure as heck was not gonna start something w/o finishing well. But it made me very uncomfortable for others to talk so openly about their weight, dieting, etc.
There are so many negative land mines in the media to dodge! I always feel uncomfortable whenever any kind of body-shaming shows/ads come on! It's impossible to escape.
Yet you essentially want to shame your friend, through good intentions.
C'mon now. C'mooooonnnnnnnnn.0 -
She might also want the help but not know how to start.
That's one of the reasons I was originally thinking of broaching the subject - to basically indicate that I'm cool to talk about it if she wants. But I think the possible negatives of doing that outweigh the positives.0 -
For example, when I used to work in offices that had "Biggest Loser" contests and stuff like that, it completely freaked me out and I HATED that attention...I was not a part of the competition, I wasn't ready to lose weight and I'm a perfectionist so I sure as heck was not gonna start something w/o finishing well. But it made me very uncomfortable for others to talk so openly about their weight, dieting, etc.
There are so many negative land mines in the media to dodge! I always feel uncomfortable whenever any kind of body-shaming shows/ads come on! It's impossible to escape.
Yet you essentially want to shame your friend, through good intentions.
C'mon now. C'mooooonnnnnnnnn.
I'm asking people for their thoughts/experiences because I DON'T want to do that :-/0 -
DON'T DO IT! She knows she has a problem and you pointing it out, even if it's in a loving way, is only going to upset her. Take it from me, I've been there.
It's probably better to ask her to join you when you go to the gym, for a walk, etc... Get her to engage in some activity and see how that goes.
THIS. Honestly, people KNOW they've gained weight. You don't have to tell them. It's one thing to mention she seems down and ask her if there's anything you can do to help with her depression but the weight issue is her business, not yours.0 -
If anyone came to me and told me they were worried about me because of my weight and blah blah blah, I'd shut them out of my life. Instead of bringing her weight into it, you can try to say something like "hey I noticed you don't go out often as you used to, or don't do XYZ anymore, is everything ok? If you need someone to talk to I'm here" or perhaps something like " hey my gym/running/fitness partner just bailed on me, and when thinking about the people in my life I'd really like to spend more time with your face came to mind, wanna join me?" otherwise, just be the example, eat right, even if you guys go out to eat, be the example, and order a healthier meal, studies have shown that if a friend orders something more on the healthy side, the others at the table feel more "compelled" to do the same.0
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havent read all the replies but if she put on a lot of weight over a short amount of time i'd want to approach her less about the weight and more to figure out what's going on.
lots of times people use extra weight as a security blanket/extra buffer to protect themselves from some situation0 -
For example, when I used to work in offices that had "Biggest Loser" contests and stuff like that, it completely freaked me out and I HATED that attention...I was not a part of the competition, I wasn't ready to lose weight and I'm a perfectionist so I sure as heck was not gonna start something w/o finishing well. But it made me very uncomfortable for others to talk so openly about their weight, dieting, etc.
There are so many negative land mines in the media to dodge! I always feel uncomfortable whenever any kind of body-shaming shows/ads come on! It's impossible to escape.
Yet you essentially want to shame your friend, through good intentions.
C'mon now. C'mooooonnnnnnnnn.
I'm asking people for their thoughts/experiences because I DON'T want to do that :-/
If you didn't know that what you wanted to do was wrong, you wouldn't have posted.
Seriously, if it's your friend, have some respect.0 -
Perhaps you should find the cause of her depression through non-invasive means, and let the weight loss happen on her terms. Caring is a great thing, but women never let anything go, so tread lightly with your words.0
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Perhaps you should find the cause of her depression through non-invasive means, and let the weight loss happen on her terms. Caring is a great thing, but women never let anything go, so tread lightly with your words.
Yup.0 -
I'm genuinely curious why you'd be so offended as to shut them out of your life? I know a lot would depend on how/why it was said, but I find it really interesting that you'd have this reaction.If anyone came to me and told me they were worried about me because of my weight and blah blah blah, I'd shut them out of my life.0 -
This is a really positive story! Thanks for sharing.I started obese and am now down to being overweight. I was always unhappy when people commented about my weight. The only ones I really appreciated were people who actually asked me to do something with them. For example, my friend Bill goes for a walk after supper each night, so he asked me to walk with him a few times. No comments, no preaching, just a simple walk.
I now walk regularly, and everyone in my office knows it. They have all seen me losing weight over the past year. So I asked my obese co-worker to walk with me a couple of times. No comments about his weight, or about what he should do. Just a simple request to do something with me.
I suggest something like that. Just ask your friend to go for a walk with you. No comments about her weight, and no suggestions. Don't tell her that she needs to exercise, just do something with her. She already knows what she needs to do. You make it easier when you do it with her.0 -
I don't know if there is a way to encourage her other than, maybe, expressing your concern for her health. As a formerly obese person (second category obese), I have to say that I'm very grateful to my husband and all my friends who never once mentioned my weight to me. It's not like I didn't know that I was fat. I would have felt awful if anyone, even a good friend or family member, had said anything to me about my weight.0
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I used to know this woman who every time she saw me would talk about her obese family and how she escaped their fate. It's the only thing she could say to me. It was really creepy. I exercise and eat very well. I'm always trying to lose weight. I don't think she even knew she was doing it. Her behavior just screamed at me "I can't listen to you because I'm horrified by your size." If this person is your friend, and she's not slow-witted: she will know if you attempt to manipulate her. Just say something like "I notice you don't see anybody but me and your family. How come?" : )0
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OK. First off, your friend knows she is overweight. She knows you and everyone else are starting to treat her differently. Unless she approaches you, she don'ts wants to hear it from you.
....but if you must....
when the 2 of you are alone, talk to her like you would want someone to talk to you. Don't use accusatory language avoid using "you" to often.
If you've lost weight, explain to her how you did it.0 -
You shouldn't say anything. She needs to make the decision herself. My brother weighs about 280 now. He saw me losing weight. I didn't say anything. I've been maintaining 7months before starting to lose a little now again.
But on one good day, he suddenly just asked me how I lost weight. And I told him about mfp. So they need to want it themselves first. You can't make them want it. :flowerforyou:0 -
For example, when I used to work in offices that had "Biggest Loser" contests and stuff like that, it completely freaked me out and I HATED that attention...I was not a part of the competition, I wasn't ready to lose weight and I'm a perfectionist so I sure as heck was not gonna start something w/o finishing well. But it made me very uncomfortable for others to talk so openly about their weight, dieting, etc.
There are so many negative land mines in the media to dodge! I always feel uncomfortable whenever any kind of body-shaming shows/ads come on! It's impossible to escape.
Yet you essentially want to shame your friend, through good intentions.
C'mon now. C'mooooonnnnnnnnn.
I'm asking people for their thoughts/experiences because I DON'T want to do that :-/
If you didn't know that what you wanted to do was wrong, you wouldn't have posted.
Seriously, if it's your friend, have some respect.
I never got from her original post that her intent was anything but concern for her friend. Just because a person wants to double-check a spelling of a word in a dictionary, you wouldn't accuse them of already knowing they were spelling the word wrong. Same goes here. I think reaching out and asking for input was a wise and thoughtful thing to do.0 -
She's lucky to have such a great friend who is concerned for her well being. Just be there for her when she is ready to reach out. When I was younger, every once in a while I would receive a diet ad in the mail, obviously clipped out of a paper by someone who knew me. I always suspected it was my Grandma, but never could prove it. And my mom was always confronting me about the weight. All any of it ever did was make me feel even worse than I already did about myself.0
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One of my very best friends has put on a lot of weight over the last year and a half. I would say she's in the 'morbidly obese' weight range. I feel like she is shutting herself away from friends and social occasions - whereas she used to go to everything and know everyone! She's still the life of the party, but now the party is mainly just her and her family, or me. I want to talk with her about it and encourage her to lose some weight/be more active - in a sensitive, non-douchey way. I want her to feel comfortable in her skin and to not shut herself away.
The other thing I'm mindful of is that I am in a healthy weight range and exercise regularly - I don't want to be preachy!
Has anyone else been on either side of this situation before? I'm especially interested to hear from people who have been in my friend's situation.
I want this to be a positive thing - not a put-down. I just want her to be happy.
You simply don't. Save your relationship...don't talk about it. Just lead by example and invite her to work out with you or go on walks. Seriously, don't be a nutsack.0 -
This may sound harsh...but assuming she has a mirror, she knows she's gained weight. She has to be the one to want to change. Talking with her could ruin your friendship...you can probably do her far more good by staying her friend and being an example of healthy.0
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For example, when I used to work in offices that had "Biggest Loser" contests and stuff like that, it completely freaked me out and I HATED that attention...I was not a part of the competition, I wasn't ready to lose weight and I'm a perfectionist so I sure as heck was not gonna start something w/o finishing well. But it made me very uncomfortable for others to talk so openly about their weight, dieting, etc.
There are so many negative land mines in the media to dodge! I always feel uncomfortable whenever any kind of body-shaming shows/ads come on! It's impossible to escape.
Yet you essentially want to shame your friend, through good intentions.
C'mon now. C'mooooonnnnnnnnn.
I'm asking people for their thoughts/experiences because I DON'T want to do that :-/
If you didn't know that what you wanted to do was wrong, you wouldn't have posted.
Seriously, if it's your friend, have some respect.
I never got from her original post that her intent was anything but concern for her friend. Just because a person wants to double-check a spelling of a word in a dictionary, you wouldn't accuse them of already knowing they were spelling the word wrong. Same goes here. I think reaching out and asking for input was a wise and thoughtful thing to do.
Thank you :-)0 -
This reminds me of my great-grandmother! They can be harsh, god-love-em! :-)She's lucky to have such a great friend who is concerned for her well being. Just be there for her when she is ready to reach out. When I was younger, every once in a while I would receive a diet ad in the mail, obviously clipped out of a paper by someone who knew me. I always suspected it was my Grandma, but never could prove it. And my mom was always confronting me about the weight. All any of it ever did was make me feel even worse than I already did about myself.0
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