Parenting Advice - Sleeping w/ Toddler
Replies
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You can't control what happens in someone else's house, unfortunately. Consistency would be the most helpful thing here. If she won't sleep in her own room, perhaps a small bed in the corner of dad's room is a good goal.
Three kids in, none of them have gone to bed the same. This last one (currently 2 1/2) knows which parent is more susceptible to crying and might come back if he cries hard enough (Daddy) and which parent is not coming back in so he might as well knock it off and go to sleep (Mommy) and reacts to being put to bed by one or the other accordingly. Daddy = up to an hour of sad noises. Mommy = quiet before I'm back to the sofa.0 -
Let me add I'm not against the co sleeping at least at that age. The bigger issues is the inconsistency between parents. Its better to work toward the non-cosleeping situation thats why mom should rethink her decision to be so stubborn. Divorce is nasty and different rules at different parents is only making it worse on the kids.0
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Baby #1 (only baby atm) - we gave her a routine - bath, read books, snuggle in recliner, put her into crib.
At first she cried, we dealt with the crying in 10-15 min spurts, then go in pat her bum, maybe a little snuggle.
took a while to break the crying habit, but worth it.
When she's sick or tired she still spends a little time sleeping/napping with us.0 -
I have 5 kids (including one about to turn 3 who likes to crawl into bed at 3 am).
Mom is wrong. (sorry its not for debate, doesnt make it less wrong)
She needs to support Dad (despite divorce) and have the child sleep in a separate bed. The mother is building support for a defiant youngster who gets their own way in everything. When she wins with Mommy Everyone else in the world loses including the child. The child is old enough to sleep on their own except in rare cases of severe night terrors or extreme fear of darkness.
giving in this young only encourages defiance and teaches them very early that they will always win in an argument with mommy. Kids are VERY smart they see the two differences at two locations and they know that there is clearly a difference between mom and dads opinion.
^^^THIS0 -
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This is something I never truly understand why parents worry about.
Is the fear that the child will get used to sleeping with the parent, and not be able to stop? Do we know a lot of grownups who still sleep with their parents? I know my mom would find it odd...
Little kids want to sleep in bed with their parents. They eventually grow out of that. It's a different age for every kid. But at 2 I think it's completely normal.
I second this. That being said, if Dad doesn't want his daughter to co-sleep with him (as someone else has pointed out) he needs to put his big boy pants on and suck up the crying fit until she learns that co-sleeping doesn't fly at dad's house. Good sleep hygiene and bedtime routine will help with the transition but kids are smart. They will very quickly figure out the difference in routines and rule from house to house if the PARENT is consistent within their own house. Leave Mom out of it. If she wants to co-sleep there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON she needs to cave to Dad's demands. That's just plain absurd. Dad needs to learn to be a parent.0 -
Toddlers, even without divorce and learning to navigate two sets of household rules, often struggle with sleep and bedtime. I think that even toddlers have the capacity to figure out that there are two sets of consistent rules in two loving homes.
My first advice would be to ignore what happens in mom's home. The homes both need to be loving and consistent, and the conflict and control issues between bio parents needs to be reduced and eliminated.
Focus only on what goes on in dad's home. Make a big deal out of buying a toddler bed (she is at a fine age to transition). Read the book, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child." Use the Super Nanny techniques for the transition and commit to putting in how ever much time, effort and frustration that I takes to get her transitioned. Create a happy bedtime ritual. Then STICK WITH IT!!!! Do not bend or budge or you'll have to start all over.
The most important thing is to eliminate the blame of mom -- she has the right to parent her child in her home as she sees fit, just as dad does.0 -
I have actually heard getting a big kid bed has helped some kids stay in their own bedroom at night. We are planning on converting our almost 3 year old to a twin bed soon as opposed to his toddler bed to see if that helps him stay in his own room at night. We've decided (actually I've decided) that if he comes into our room at 2 am for the balance of the night, it's not the end of the world.0
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Those of you that have no kids and say simple..."Kids sleep in their own beds"- HAVE NO FRICKIN CLUE! I have 2 kids.....my oldest NEVER had an issue. My second- completely different story. She is 3 1/2. I have tried EVERYTHING! Nanny 911 methods.....I sleep on floor, I stay in there with back to her and creep my way out, I shut door and let her scream, the "TRANSFER".....it is flipping exhausting. As a parent you try whatever it takes to accomplish the problem. My oldest has a trundle bed and eventually hoping the 3 yr old will sleep in it by herself then progress to her own room. For now she sleeps with my 9 yr old. Iit works for now...they go to bed at the same time. Sometimes she still gets up and finds her way into our bed. They are only little once so I don't mind. You do what it takes to get sleep!
So you're saying your little one "can't" or "won't" sleep alone? If he/she "won't" sleep alone then you need to step up your parenting game. If he/she "can't" sleep alone then you need to get him/her medical attention/counseling of some kind.
The child doesn't get to pitch a fit until you give in. That's not the kid's fault it's the parent's inability to make the hard decisions.0 -
Let me add I'm not against the co sleeping at least at that age. The bigger issues is the inconsistency between parents. Its better to work toward the non-cosleeping situation thats why mom should rethink her decision to be so stubborn. Divorce is nasty and different rules at different parents is only making it worse on the kids.
I repectfully completely disagree with you. This has nothing to do with mom and EVERYTHING to do with dad being inconsistent within his own home.0 -
Toddlers, even without divorce and learning to navigate two sets of household rules, often struggle with sleep and bedtime. I think that even toddlers have the capacity to figure out that there are two sets of consistent rules in two loving homes.
My first advice would be to ignore what happens in mom's home. The homes both need to be loving and consistent, and the conflict and control issues between bio parents needs to be reduced and eliminated.
Focus only on what goes on in dad's home. Make a big deal out of buying a toddler bed (she is at a fine age to transition). Read the book, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child." Use the Super Nanny techniques for the transition and commit to putting in how ever much time, effort and frustration that I takes to get her transitioned. Create a happy bedtime ritual. Then STICK WITH IT!!!! Do not bend or budge or you'll have to start all over.
The most important thing is to eliminate the blame of mom -- she has the right to parent her child in her home as she sees fit, just as dad does.
^^^ This0 -
I have 3 kids. First 2 never had a sleeping by themselves problem. 3rd one would climb out of her crib and wander. Eventually the 2nd born would do the same because they shared a room and the 3rd wandering would disrupt the 2nd. I put the plastic thingy on the door and at 11 months she opened it and surprised me in the living room taking a nap.
Anyway she is one that is all arms and legs and snores when she sleeps so I know exactly what you are talking about. I found that converting her to a toddler bed worked. Also less worry of her climbing out and hurting herself. My ex would sleep on the floor next to the bed. I would go in and wake him and hour or so later and the girls would sleep through the night. They also had noise machines and a nightlight. If it was nightmares I had a spray bottle and would spray the room with special monster spray that wouldnt allow any bad things to enter the room ever! And I made sure to point this out as I was spraying it.
Bedtime should be the same time. Bath, brush teeth, and book then lights out. Also I did the sit in the room and watch. No talking. If they started goofing I would go SHHHH! Thats it! If they got up I walked over and laid them back down. No talking. Key here is no talking no interaction. Eventually they knew that it was sleep time. It wont be right away it takes time and patience. But the key is be consistent.
On another note just fyi- my husbands ex slept with her daughter. Up until they split the daughter was still crawling into their bed at the age of 13 to sleep with mom because it was habit. He spent a lot of time on the couch and it seriously hurt their relationship. Her daughter was from her previous marriage and no matter what he said it continued to the point they split. So Im just adding this for thought if him an his ex dont put a kabosh on this behavior this is the kind of impact it could have later on.0 -
Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. If she is pitching a fit every night, than she probably knows its effective and she can eventually get her way. If dad is not ever caving, she will eventually calm down and sleep in her own bed. When I first married my husband, his daughter wanted to sleep with us and he was caving in every night. For the first two months of marriage we had a 6 year old in the middle of us and she thrashed, kicked and stole ALL the blankets. lolSimple. Kids sleep in their own bed and parents sleep in their own bed. There is no gray area. It's your job as a parent to not only love but to discipline as well.
This.
I had to beg him to a stop to it, cause A. Newly weds. and B. I was covered in bruises. That kid could throw a mean punch or kick in her sleep!
She pitched a fit, nearly making herself sick for the first few nights, and it dwindled to an hour or two of begging and bargaining every evening for a month or two, than it sort of went to the occasional asking if she could sleep with us, and than stopped. It took over a year and a half.
The thing was, her mom did not allow this, but she pitched a fit with us, because at first, dad was always caving. She didn't pull the same stunts with her mom because she would get grounded or in some form of trouble if she did, and dad never punished her over it. We didn't really have to. Just maintained the firm stance that she was a big girl and had to sleep in her own bed.
The only time we made an exception was for nightmares, or if she was sick. Once she caught on to that, she was suddenly sick all the time and wanted one of us, (usually me) to stay with her in her bed.
Yep. Children are pretty smart and know how to train us, but you just have to maintain your stance.0 -
Let me add I'm not against the co sleeping at least at that age. The bigger issues is the inconsistency between parents. Its better to work toward the non-cosleeping situation thats why mom should rethink her decision to be so stubborn. Divorce is nasty and different rules at different parents is only making it worse on the kids.
I repectfully completely disagree with you. This has nothing to do with mom and EVERYTHING to do with dad being inconsistent within his own home.
Very much this. When my daughters dad and I divorced, I became "bad cop" because I had rules. They were different than his rules, but mine were consistent. They included cosleeping. Now, she's 9 and he has major problems with her at his house. She throws fits like I have never seen before and he now calls me asking what to do. I have to coach him through things and the biggest part of this is consistency. He and I split custody and we each have her a week at a time. Kids do adapt to different households, the different rules, the different ways of doing things. Unless the dad in this situation lays the ground rules for the expectations in his house, his daughter will continue to walk all over him. Mom and dad divorced for a reason. If they couldn't live together, happily married, then it's ridiculous to believe that they will be able to live the same way in 2 separate houses.0 -
I have 3 kids. First 2 never had a sleeping by themselves problem. 3rd one would climb out of her crib and wander. Eventually the 2nd born would do the same because they shared a room and the 3rd wandering would disrupt the 2nd. I put the plastic thingy on the door and at 11 months she opened it and surprised me in the living room taking a nap.
Anyway she is one that is all arms and legs and snores when she sleeps so I know exactly what you are talking about. I found that converting her to a toddler bed worked. Also less worry of her climbing out and hurting herself. My ex would sleep on the floor next to the bed. I would go in and wake him and hour or so later and the girls would sleep through the night. They also had noise machines and a nightlight. If it was nightmares I had a spray bottle and would spray the room with special monster spray that wouldnt allow any bad things to enter the room ever! And I made sure to point this out as I was spraying it.
Bedtime should be the same time. Bath, brush teeth, and book then lights out. Also I did the sit in the room and watch. No talking. If they started goofing I would go SHHHH! Thats it! If they got up I walked over and laid them back down. No talking. Key here is no talking no interaction. Eventually they knew that it was sleep time. It wont be right away it takes time and patience. But the key is be consistent.
On another note just fyi- my husbands ex slept with her daughter. Up until they split the daughter was still crawling into their bed at the age of 13 to sleep with mom because it was habit. He spent a lot of time on the couch and it seriously hurt their relationship. Her daughter was from her previous marriage and no matter what he said it continued to the point they split. So Im just adding this for thought if him an his ex dont put a kabosh on this behavior this is the kind of impact it could have later on.
At 13, it's not likely to be about habits anymore. It's much more likely to do with marking of territory. Completely different set of problems he was dealing with then that of a 2 year old.0 -
As a mother of 3 children, no matter divorced or together, both parents have to be consistent with their routine whether it's bedtime, naptime, eating, etc. or it will not work. Just my opinion.0
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You both need to settle on a single arrangement and bedtime routine so she has a chance at understanding the rules and follow them. Two different homes, two different sleeping arrangements and two sets of rules is just setting your daughter up for confusion and bad sleep. What is best for her is consistency, it doesn't matter where she sleeps as long as it's the same at both houses.0
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Some kids react really great to getting their own "big girl" beds, so it would probably not hurt to try.
Our son is going to be 6 tomorrow and he still ends up on my pillow every night. He goes to sleep fine, but wakes up in the wee hours of the morning and comes downstairs.
Honestly, if it is a big problem, I would let her cry it out until she realizes that she has to sleep in her own bed/crib. It sucks sometimes, but they figure it out eventually and everyone is happier for it.
Good luck!!0 -
Is he crafty? Maybe he cam make something like this, keep it under the daughter's bed and with a complex system of ropes and pulleys be able to make them come out and go back under before entering and after leaving the room. Maybe add a motion sensor that sets off a snarl and groan MP3 when it detects little feet?
Before leaving the room every night say, "Don't forget, demons feed off the crying of little kids so, shhhhhh.... Daddy loves you. Sweet dreams."
The only thing I would add to this is to make sure to spread legos over every square inch of the floor as he leaves the room...that way if she gets up in the middle of the night and braves the evil monsters, she'll have to step on the legos before she reaches the door. LOL...like she'll reach the door after the first lego! It's pure science with charts and graphs and stuff:
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At 13, it's not likely to be about habits anymore. It's much more likely to do with marking of territory. Completely different set of problems he was dealing with then that of a 2 year old.
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They had been together since she was 2 years old. Even after they split she thought of him as her father. I dont think it was territorial as more and act of defiance that she still could do it and there was nothing he could do about it because her mother let her. No matter how many times it was addressed the mother still allowed it to go on every night. The daughter said it was because she couldnt fall asleep by herself.0 -
There is no right or wrong about co-sleeping. Happy children come out of both situations. Mom and Dad, being divorced, do not HAVE to be on the same page. The remarkable thing about children is they are very adaptive to the environment they find themselves in. Mom likes to co-sleep - great. Dad doesn't want to co-sleep - great. Kids learn very early what parent's routines are like and adapt to the situation.
Dad just needs to have a plan when the child is at his house. Bedtime routines are important. Consistency in whatever he's doing is going to be crucial. As with helping a child learn anything, it takes patience. Learning to self soothe is a skill that children can and need to learn.
As others have said, this is a problem that most parents face at one time or another. Even if there was never any co-sleeping - children learn to climb out of cribs to come and find the people they love. They learn to get out of toddler beds. They can also get out of twin beds. It's a fact of life for parents. It doesn't last forever and forcing issues with toddlers sometimes can cause other issues.
Patience, consistency, teaching a child skills. All in all, just good parenting.
THIS!!
We moved just before my son's second birthday. It took him at least 2 months to adjust to the new home, new room, etc., even with the same "stuff" as his old room. I assume that there have been a lot of adjustments recently in this girl's life and she needs time (and patience) to figure it all out. All the suggestions made have been good ones. Toddler beds are great because you can half climb in and lay there with them. I also had to spend a few nights lying on the floor next to the bed. Routine is key. We do bath, put on jammies, brush teeth, drink of water, 3 stories in the chair, climb into bed, 3 songs, and we have a good night poem and kiss. He says the poem with us and knows that means the bedtime routine is over and he needs to go to sleep. It mostly works, meaning that probably 19 out of 20 times he stays in bed.
Also, my parents divorced when I was young (6, not 2, but still young) My sister was 3, brother was 9. We learned very quickly what was okay at Mom's wasn't always okay at Dad's and vice versa, so the households having different routines or preferences is not a big deal. But, being kids, we knew how to push the buttons and test and challenge, which made it even more difficult for our parents (but at Dad's we can blah blah blah, but at Mom's we can blah blah blah, whine whine whine). This sleeping thing is only the first of many challenges that will seemingly pit Mom against Dad for the Child of Divorce. The parents don't need to do things that same way as each other, but they do need to be consistent about what they are doing in their own homes, or the door is open to manipulation, and kids can get really good at that (I was).0 -
Here's the hypothetical situation:
Divorced Parents.
Mom Sleeps w/ 2 year old girl.
Dad wants 2 year old in her own crib, which is next to his room w/ adjoining door. Crib is right there 2 yards from him.
2 year old throws fit. Hates sleep. Can be up until 11pm or midnight on a particularly bad night.
Dad sometimes caves just to get some sleep and lets her in his bed.
She's getting increasingly adamant she won't sleep in her own bed/crib. Always wants to sleep w/ daddy.
Nothing can be done about Mom's decision to sleep w/ toddler. Nothing. This is not for debate.
Questions where dad is concerned:
1. Would dad getting her a big girl bed help or hurt the situation, in your opinion?
2. Any magical sleep trick... just... anything?
So not read the rest of the comments yet... But Mom is wrong. SHE needs to be working on getting the child into her own bed, not co-sleeping. That is her (i.e. Mom's) need, not the child's. Yeah, I've been that Dad.0 -
There is no right or wrong about co-sleeping. Happy children come out of both situations. Mom and Dad, being divorced, do not HAVE to be on the same page. The remarkable thing about children is they are very adaptive to the environment they find themselves in. Mom likes to co-sleep - great. Dad doesn't want to co-sleep - great. Kids learn very early what parent's routines are like and adapt to the situation.
Dad just needs to have a plan when the child is at his house. Bedtime routines are important. Consistency in whatever he's doing is going to be crucial. As with helping a child learn anything, it takes patience. Learning to self soothe is a skill that children can and need to learn.
As others have said, this is a problem that most parents face at one time or another. Even if there was never any co-sleeping - children learn to climb out of cribs to come and find the people they love. They learn to get out of toddler beds. They can also get out of twin beds. It's a fact of life for parents. It doesn't last forever and forcing issues with toddlers sometimes can cause other issues.
Patience, consistency, teaching a child skills. All in all, just good parenting.
^^^this0 -
I just want to point out that how children behave with people who are not their parents is irrelevant. They ALL behave better and are more independent with other people, no matter how perfectly the parents may parent. It's normal and they are all like that.Have to put your foot down. My nephew is one yr and when I or the daycare watch him he is fine sitting on his own and playing (toss the ball in my direction or crawl to get it if it is not. But when mommy gets home cries if she isn't holding him. It will not be fun for the first few times but if she is up late you still get her up at her normal time. No extra long nap. It is a learned behavior you are breaking and eventually she will cave if you don't.
My daughter threw her fair share of temper tantrums with my mom or me but never, ever, ever did it when someone else watched her or she was visiting someone else's house. And I was not an indulgent parent by any means.0 -
These patterns, from other parents with which I've had this same discussion, are tough to break. Both parents have to be on the same page because a 2 year old doesn't understand "these are the rules here and the rules change at XYZ's house". That's a huge, tough one because the rules have to be the rules until kids can comprehend special circumstances.
In my opinion, at dad's house, I would start the bedtime routine 1 hour earlier each night for a week (up to 2 weeks), then move it an hour again, etc. etc. until you get to the desired time. I've had to do this with my children, moving the bedtime back an hour because I changed it and it affected their sleep habits. It's hard. There will be crying. There will be more nights than not that this 2 year old will have to learn to self-soothe. Some parents are cool with this, others are not.
I'm a parent who never allowed kids in the bed unless it was naptime and this was only once we got to naptime when my twins were 5 years old and older. I think, in my case, it helped that my kids were made to change classrooms during kindergarten and they got used to rules being slightly different from classroom/teacher-to-other classroom/teacher.
All in all, if the habit isn't broken soon, it will get much more difficult to change. Each time it is allowed and this dad caves, that reinforces the behavior. Sometimes, no means no. I don't think a big girl bed will help. The bed is not the problem.0 -
... and this is why I never let either of my kids sleep in my bed. I would imagine that using ABA techniques will help though. They work with both my Autistic child and my typically developing child.
AKA, follow what many have said here. Put the child to bed and let them cry. Perhaps invest in counseling for the mother.0 -
Here's the hypothetical situation:
Divorced Parents.
Mom Sleeps w/ 2 year old girl.
Dad wants 2 year old in her own crib, which is next to his room w/ adjoining door. Crib is right there 2 yards from him.
2 year old throws fit. Hates sleep. Can be up until 11pm or midnight on a particularly bad night.
Dad sometimes caves just to get some sleep and lets her in his bed.
She's getting increasingly adamant she won't sleep in her own bed/crib. Always wants to sleep w/ daddy.
Nothing can be done about Mom's decision to sleep w/ toddler. Nothing. This is not for debate.
Questions where dad is concerned:
1. Would dad getting her a big girl bed help or hurt the situation, in your opinion?
2. Any magical sleep trick... just... anything?
Benedryl. Very safe and calming. Can be used any time.0 -
I know you're kidding, but a woman here just got arrested because she was doing that and her daughter died.Here's the hypothetical situation:
Divorced Parents.
Mom Sleeps w/ 2 year old girl.
Dad wants 2 year old in her own crib, which is next to his room w/ adjoining door. Crib is right there 2 yards from him.
2 year old throws fit. Hates sleep. Can be up until 11pm or midnight on a particularly bad night.
Dad sometimes caves just to get some sleep and lets her in his bed.
She's getting increasingly adamant she won't sleep in her own bed/crib. Always wants to sleep w/ daddy.
Nothing can be done about Mom's decision to sleep w/ toddler. Nothing. This is not for debate.
Questions where dad is concerned:
1. Would dad getting her a big girl bed help or hurt the situation, in your opinion?
2. Any magical sleep trick... just... anything?
Benedryl. Very safe and calming. Can be used any time.0 -
Here's the hypothetical situation:
Divorced Parents.
Mom Sleeps w/ 2 year old girl.
Dad wants 2 year old in her own crib, which is next to his room w/ adjoining door. Crib is right there 2 yards from him.
2 year old throws fit. Hates sleep. Can be up until 11pm or midnight on a particularly bad night.
Dad sometimes caves just to get some sleep and lets her in his bed.
She's getting increasingly adamant she won't sleep in her own bed/crib. Always wants to sleep w/ daddy.
Nothing can be done about Mom's decision to sleep w/ toddler. Nothing. This is not for debate.
Questions where dad is concerned:
1. Would dad getting her a big girl bed help or hurt the situation, in your opinion?
2. Any magical sleep trick... just... anything?
So not read the rest of the comments yet... But Mom is wrong. SHE needs to be working on getting the child into her own bed, not co-sleeping. That is her (i.e. Mom's) need, not the child's. Yeah, I've been that Dad.
On what do your base your opinion (besides personal bias)?0 -
The only thing I would add to this is to make sure to spread legos over every square inch of the floor as he leaves the room...that way if she gets up in the middle of the night and braves the evil monsters, she'll have to step on the legos before she reaches the door. LOL...like she'll reach the door after the first lego! It's pure science with charts and graphs and stuff:
Oh, that is priceless. LOL0
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