Parenting Advice - Sleeping w/ Toddler

There is no right or wrong about co-sleeping. Happy children come out of both situations. Mom and Dad, being divorced, do not HAVE to be on the same page. The remarkable thing about children is they are very adaptive to the environment they find themselves in. Mom likes to co-sleep - great. Dad doesn't want to co-sleep - great. Kids learn very early what parent's routines are like and adapt to the situation.

Dad just needs to have a plan when the child is at his house. Bedtime routines are important. Consistency in whatever he's doing is going to be crucial. As with helping a child learn anything, it takes patience. Learning to self soothe is a skill that children can and need to learn.

As others have said, this is a problem that most parents face at one time or another. Even if there was never any co-sleeping - children learn to climb out of cribs to come and find the people they love. They learn to get out of toddler beds. They can also get out of twin beds. It's a fact of life for parents. It doesn't last forever and forcing issues with toddlers sometimes can cause other issues.

Patience, consistency, teaching a child skills. All in all, just good parenting.

THIS!!

We moved just before my son's second birthday. It took him at least 2 months to adjust to the new home, new room, etc., even with the same "stuff" as his old room. I assume that there have been a lot of adjustments recently in this girl's life and she needs time (and patience) to figure it all out. All the suggestions made have been good ones. Toddler beds are great because you can half climb in and lay there with them. I also had to spend a few nights lying on the floor next to the bed. Routine is key. We do bath, put on jammies, brush teeth, drink of water, 3 stories in the chair, climb into bed, 3 songs, and we have a good night poem and kiss. He says the poem with us and knows that means the bedtime routine is over and he needs to go to sleep. It mostly works, meaning that probably 19 out of 20 times he stays in bed.

Also, my parents divorced when I was young (6, not 2, but still young) My sister was 3, brother was 9. We learned very quickly what was okay at Mom's wasn't always okay at Dad's and vice versa, so the households having different routines or preferences is not a big deal. But, being kids, we knew how to push the buttons and test and challenge, which made it even more difficult for our parents (but at Dad's we can blah blah blah, but at Mom's we can blah blah blah, whine whine whine). This sleeping thing is only the first of many challenges that will seemingly pit Mom against Dad for the Child of Divorce. The parents don't need to do things that same way as each other, but they do need to be consistent about what they are doing in their own homes, or the door is open to manipulation, and kids can get really good at that (I was).

There is no right or wrong about co-sleeping. Happy children come out of both situations. Mom and Dad, being divorced, do not HAVE to be on the same page. The remarkable thing about children is they are very adaptive to the environment they find themselves in. Mom likes to co-sleep - great. Dad doesn't want to co-sleep - great. Kids learn very early what parent's routines are like and adapt to the situation.

Dad just needs to have a plan when the child is at his house. Bedtime routines are important. Consistency in whatever he's doing is going to be crucial. As with helping a child learn anything, it takes patience. Learning to self soothe is a skill that children can and need to learn.

As others have said, this is a problem that most parents face at one time or another. Even if there was never any co-sleeping - children learn to climb out of cribs to come and find the people they love. They learn to get out of toddler beds. They can also get out of twin beds. It's a fact of life for parents. It doesn't last forever and forcing issues with toddlers sometimes can cause other issues.

Patience, consistency, teaching a child skills. All in all, just good parenting.

^^^this

These patterns, from other parents with which I've had this same discussion, are tough to break. Both parents have to be on the same page because a 2 year old doesn't understand "these are the rules here and the rules change at XYZ's house". That's a huge, tough one because the rules have to be the rules until kids can comprehend special circumstances.

In my opinion, at dad's house, I would start the bedtime routine 1 hour earlier each night for a week (up to 2 weeks), then move it an hour again, etc. etc. until you get to the desired time. I've had to do this with my children, moving the bedtime back an hour because I changed it and it affected their sleep habits. It's hard. There will be crying. There will be more nights than not that this 2 year old will have to learn to self-soothe. Some parents are cool with this, others are not.

I'm a parent who never allowed kids in the bed unless it was naptime and this was only once we got to naptime when my twins were 5 years old and older. I think, in my case, it helped that my kids were made to change classrooms during kindergarten and they got used to rules being slightly different from classroom/teacher-to-other classroom/teacher.

All in all, if the habit isn't broken soon, it will get much more difficult to change. Each time it is allowed and this dad caves, that reinforces the behavior. Sometimes, no means no. I don't think a big girl bed will help. The bed is not the problem.

Here's the hypothetical situation:

Divorced Parents.
Mom Sleeps w/ 2 year old girl.
Dad wants 2 year old in her own crib, which is next to his room w/ adjoining door. Crib is right there 2 yards from him.
2 year old throws fit. Hates sleep. Can be up until 11pm or midnight on a particularly bad night.
Dad sometimes caves just to get some sleep and lets her in his bed.
She's getting increasingly adamant she won't sleep in her own bed/crib. Always wants to sleep w/ daddy.
Nothing can be done about Mom's decision to sleep w/ toddler. Nothing. This is not for debate.


Questions where dad is concerned:
1. Would dad getting her a big girl bed help or hurt the situation, in your opinion?
2. Any magical sleep trick... just... anything?

Benedryl. Very safe and calming. Can be used any time.

Here's the hypothetical situation:

Divorced Parents.
Mom Sleeps w/ 2 year old girl.
Dad wants 2 year old in her own crib, which is next to his room w/ adjoining door. Crib is right there 2 yards from him.
2 year old throws fit. Hates sleep. Can be up until 11pm or midnight on a particularly bad night.
Dad sometimes caves just to get some sleep and lets her in his bed.
She's getting increasingly adamant she won't sleep in her own bed/crib. Always wants to sleep w/ daddy.
Nothing can be done about Mom's decision to sleep w/ toddler. Nothing. This is not for debate.


Questions where dad is concerned:
1. Would dad getting her a big girl bed help or hurt the situation, in your opinion?
2. Any magical sleep trick... just... anything?

So not read the rest of the comments yet... But Mom is wrong. SHE needs to be working on getting the child into her own bed, not co-sleeping. That is her (i.e. Mom's) need, not the child's. Yeah, I've been that Dad.

On what do your base your opinion (besides personal bias)?

At about 7 months old had both my childeren in crib, let them cry themselves to sleep. First night took about 10 mins, 2nd 8mins and so on until they got into the routine.

That's it! -Of course at the time we were married.

My kids are now 17 yrs old and 15 yrs - and are bright, totally normal human beings. (No signs of trama from NOT sleeping with therir parents)!!!!

Let me add I'm not against the co sleeping at least at that age. The bigger issues is the inconsistency between parents. Its better to work toward the non-cosleeping situation thats why mom should rethink her decision to be so stubborn. Divorce is nasty and different rules at different parents is only making it worse on the kids.

I think it's the dad who's being stubborn. Seriously, it all depends on your point of view. You think co-sleeping is bad (on what do you base this besides personal preference?) so you are going to call the mom 'stubborn' because she chooses to meet her child's needs in a way you don't approve of. :ohwell:

At about 7 months old had both my childeren in crib, let them cry themselves to sleep. First night took about 10 mins, 2nd 8mins and so on until they got into the routine.

That's it! -Of course at the time we were married.

My kids are now 17 yrs old and 15 yrs - and are bright, totally normal human beings. (No signs of trama from NOT sleeping with therir parents)!!!!

I don't think there is a right or wrong here. I have never seen any sings of trauma from a child who has coslept. I have one friend with 4 kids, and every one of them was a cosleeper. All of them are great kids. I have another friend with 3 kids and she used the cry out method. Those kids are also fantastic. I think what it comes down to is being consistent no matter what route you chose to take.

Let me add I'm not against the co sleeping at least at that age. The bigger issues is the inconsistency between parents. Its better to work toward the non-cosleeping situation thats why mom should rethink her decision to be so stubborn. Divorce is nasty and different rules at different parents is only making it worse on the kids.

I think it's the dad who's being stubborn. Seriously, it all depends on your point of view. You think co-sleeping is bad (on what do you base this besides personal preference?) so you are going to call the mom 'stubborn' because she chooses to meet her child's needs in a way you don't approve of. :ohwell:

Yep...

Let me add I'm not against the co sleeping at least at that age. The bigger issues is the inconsistency between parents. Its better to work toward the non-cosleeping situation thats why mom should rethink her decision to be so stubborn. Divorce is nasty and different rules at different parents is only making it worse on the kids.

I think it's the dad who's being stubborn. Seriously, it all depends on your point of view. You think co-sleeping is bad (on what do you base this besides personal preference?) so you are going to call the mom 'stubborn' because she chooses to meet her child's needs in a way you don't approve of. :ohwell:

ill tell you why...because she said she was stubborn in the first post. Regardless of the comment she said...

Nothing can be done about Mom's decision to sleep w/ toddler. Nothing. This is not for debate.

That is pretty clear mom is stubborn and does not care about anything else. Mom doesnt care if anyone brings information to the table that is in support of the father she only cares that father is wrong and needs to fix something. Regardless if cosleeping is good or bad or your opinion or mine. Mom is stubborn and refuses to change. Mom does not know that she is meeting childs needs...Maybe mom is the one who needs the cosleeping with the child. Has mom tried to sleep alone? There is much debate out there about cosleeping pros and cons but ultimately we all end up sleeping alone.

Like I said cosleeping isn't bad in my opinion at that age hell Ive been through enough of them to know. The inconsistency on 2 levels is far more damaging. The dad needs to be consistent in his home and the mother needs to support him. If the child sees a divided front the child wins.

It basically comes down to two different parenting methods where the kids control the parents and the parents control the kids whatever works for you.