Dealing with a "food bully"?

NotJustADieter
NotJustADieter Posts: 229 Member
in Motivation and Support
So, in the last 11 days before I return to college, my younger sister has returned home from our dad's. Lovely. (Background: our dad is an emotional abuser with NPD, and is married to a woman who hates me). She has decided to take on the family mantle of "'helping' Cat lose weight" by camping out in the kitchen all day and commenting every time I open the fridge or put something in my mouth. "Aren't you on a diet?" "You're just going to gain it all back" "Wow, that'll kill your diet for the day" "Well, there's always tomorrow", etc etc. She's basically echoing our grandma, a lifetime size 00 and former model. And it is driving me insane. I'm getting it from all sides- her, my father, my stepmother (who is especially venomous) and my grandma. I've lost over 20lbs; I'm almost to a healthy weight. I've dropped three pants sizes. But no one is letting up and it is making me uncomfortable with eating- which means I'm not hitting my macros or my calorie goals because my strategy has become "grab food and get out"

Help?
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Replies

  • nogreenthumb
    nogreenthumb Posts: 96
    I've come to the conclusion that people act a certain way towards others because they are trying to overcompensate a flaw within themselves. Basically it's them, not you. I know this isn't very comforting, but it's true.

    A fire only grows with fuel. These kinds of fires are fueled by response. Don't acknowledge her comments, and suddenly the fuel for the fire is gone. She will then have to turn her attention elsewhere to try and get a rise out of someone.
  • trinatrina1984
    trinatrina1984 Posts: 1,018 Member
    Wow that sounds crappy, move out?
  • EvanKeel
    EvanKeel Posts: 1,903 Member
    On a high level, you only have so many options.

    Generally speaking, I like to start with open communication. Discuss the situation with these people in an honest, non combative way. if that doesn't work, you can: A) figure out some way of dealing with the environment, or B) remove yourself from it.

    Alternatively, you can do nothing in stay miserable. As far as figuring out how to deal with the environment, sometimes I have to remind myself that emotionally disturbed people make all kinds of statements, but I don't have to listen to them. Their role in my life is irrelevant. Being family doesn't preclude someone from being ignored as a negative influence (after I've discussed the issue with them) in my book.
  • Mikkimeow
    Mikkimeow Posts: 1,282 Member
    So, in the last 11 days before I return to college, my younger sister has returned home from our dad's. Lovely. (Background: our dad is an emotional abuser with NPD, and is married to a woman who hates me). She has decided to take on the family mantle of "'helping' Cat lose weight" by camping out in the kitchen all day and commenting every time I open the fridge or put something in my mouth. "Aren't you on a diet?" "You're just going to gain it all back" "Wow, that'll kill your diet for the day" "Well, there's always tomorrow", etc etc. She's basically echoing our grandma, a lifetime size 00 and former model. And it is driving me insane. I'm getting it from all sides- her, my father, my stepmother (who is especially venomous) and my grandma. I've lost over 20lbs; I'm almost to a healthy weight. I've dropped three pants sizes. But no one is letting up and it is making me uncomfortable with eating- which means I'm not hitting my macros or my calorie goals because my strategy has become "grab food and get out"

    Help?

    Sounds like you have some passive aggressive people in your life. While you cannot control what they say or do, you can control how you react and how often you interact with them. You could either stay and take those comments, or move out. It is up to you whether you feel the need to confront her for her behavior.
  • Sabine_Stroehm
    Sabine_Stroehm Posts: 19,263 Member
    11 days.
  • stealthq
    stealthq Posts: 4,298 Member
    11 days.

    My thought exactly. You can ignore them for 11 days.

    Though, I'd be really tempted to *****-slap the lot of them.

    Start making plans now so that you do not get stuck with these people for any length of time again.
  • skullshank
    skullshank Posts: 4,323 Member
    honestly, your family sounds like a bunch of *kitten*.

    if you HAVE to continue living there, you could start with the civil route. explain to them that you are making progress and that their commentary is not only unwelcome, but hurtful.
    if that doesnt work, and i hope it does, i would try ignoring them or killing them with kindness. that seems to REALLY irk people when they realize they are not getting the best of you.

    "thats gonna make you fat"
    *smile* "gee, i sure hope not!" *walk away*

    final option A. is to verbally abuse the family. tell your sister she's looking a little puffy herself. tell stepmom it's too bad she couldnt find a different family to infiltrate and poison. remind gram that her end is likely coming soon. tell dad his genetics are the issue and you wish you had a stronger bloodline.

    final option B. is to kick the **** out of your sister as a reminder to the rest of them that you are on a mission and you are not to be crossed.
  • sparklefrogz
    sparklefrogz Posts: 281 Member
    So, in the last 11 days before I return to college, my younger sister has returned home from our dad's. Lovely. (Background: our dad is an emotional abuser with NPD, and is married to a woman who hates me). She has decided to take on the family mantle of "'helping' Cat lose weight" by camping out in the kitchen all day and commenting every time I open the fridge or put something in my mouth. "Aren't you on a diet?" "You're just going to gain it all back" "Wow, that'll kill your diet for the day" "Well, there's always tomorrow", etc etc. She's basically echoing our grandma, a lifetime size 00 and former model. And it is driving me insane. I'm getting it from all sides- her, my father, my stepmother (who is especially venomous) and my grandma.
    Every time she says something, smile warmly and reply "how kind of you to take an interest!", then immediately change the subject. Repeat ad nauseum until she realizes this is the only response she will ever get; she'll get bored and move on to trying to find other topics and ways to get a rise out of you.
  • trinatrina1984
    trinatrina1984 Posts: 1,018 Member
    oh yeah didn't see the 11 days bit . Just ignore it or eat out
  • Archerychickge
    Archerychickge Posts: 606 Member
    I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you need. It sucks that your family isn't seeing your progress or acknowledging your committment to a healthier lifestyle.

    That being said.... I would just ignore it and whenever possible, surround yourself with positive people. Like folks here. I have gotten alot of support from friends here, not to mention the supportive little ego boost I've gotten from people I come into contact with at work who look at me and say "Have you lost weight?" Why yes I have, almost 70 pounds to be exact! Then I get ot see the look on their face and hear them say "That's amazing! YOu look great!"

    That keeps me fueld to keep going even when my mirror says I haven't reached my goal yet.

    You can do it. Don't give up. We are here for you.
  • MassiveDelta
    MassiveDelta Posts: 3,271 Member
    people erasers can be found on craigslist.
  • Mikkimeow
    Mikkimeow Posts: 1,282 Member
    So, in the last 11 days before I return to college, my younger sister has returned home from our dad's. Lovely. (Background: our dad is an emotional abuser with NPD, and is married to a woman who hates me). She has decided to take on the family mantle of "'helping' Cat lose weight" by camping out in the kitchen all day and commenting every time I open the fridge or put something in my mouth. "Aren't you on a diet?" "You're just going to gain it all back" "Wow, that'll kill your diet for the day" "Well, there's always tomorrow", etc etc. She's basically echoing our grandma, a lifetime size 00 and former model. And it is driving me insane. I'm getting it from all sides- her, my father, my stepmother (who is especially venomous) and my grandma.
    Every time she says something, smile warmly and reply "how kind of you to take an interest!", then immediately change the subject. Repeat ad nauseum until she realizes this is the only response she will ever get; she'll get bored and move on to trying to find other topics and ways to get a rise out of you.

    Also, I like this advice.
  • MinimalistShoeAddict
    MinimalistShoeAddict Posts: 1,946 Member
    11 days.

    +1

    Have a good year at college
  • klkateri
    klkateri Posts: 432 Member
    Headphones and LOUD music when in the kitchen!!

    My gram can be the same way, maybe not as bad... but close. I just learned over the years to ignore it or to be a smart *kitten* about it.

    But it is only for a short time so perhaps you can power through with some change in strategy. Maybe start a little good food stash in your room (cereal, nuts, protein bars, etc.). I know it sucks but it would at least eliminate some trips to the kitchen.

    Best of Luck and know that really... it's them being crazy not you!!
  • T1DCarnivoreRunner
    T1DCarnivoreRunner Posts: 11,502 Member
    Response: "I've carefully considered what I'm eating and how much on a daily basis, and I've got this. I'll let you know if I ever need advice about food consumption."

    Then, stick it out for the next 11 days.

    You look great! Don't let haters get you down.
  • sparklefrogz
    sparklefrogz Posts: 281 Member
    Every time she says something, smile warmly and reply "how kind of you to take an interest!", then immediately change the subject. Repeat ad nauseum
    Also, I like this advice.
    Don't thank me, thank Miss Manners. She's full of these kinds of nuggets (or was, back when she wrote all her own stuff before she started getting ghostwritten).
  • AbsolutelyAnnie
    AbsolutelyAnnie Posts: 2,695 Member
    11 days.

    My thought exactly. You can ignore them for 11 days.

    And mine. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. If a reply is necessary, simply say, "Whatever." Good luck sweetheart. Get your degree as quickly as possible. Arrange for out of town internships or stay with classmates over any remaining breaks. And move away to healthy, positive people. I promise they are out there and you deserve much better.
  • ruperthumphrey
    ruperthumphrey Posts: 195 Member
    or....you could print this topic off and tape to the fridge.....that should give them food for thought!
  • DoingTheNeedful
    DoingTheNeedful Posts: 23 Member
    11 days is both not a very long time, and can be the longest time ever.

    I agree with the poster who said don't engage, don't address the comments. Just eat what you need to eat and move on with your day. Plug headphones in while you're in the kitchen if you need to. Sure, you'll have to take them out whenever the stepmonster wants your attention, but taking a distant, cool tone with questions like "Is there something I can help you with?" and then returning to your headphones when stepmonster has no specific, limited, actionable tasks for you.

    If that doesn't work or they demand you leave your headphones out while in the kitchen (or whatever), the next best thing I would suggest is being *super* passive aggressive back. Like, if stepmonster is harping on your food choices, turn around and eat it right in front of her, like uncomfortably close. I mean, open-mouthed, lip-smacking, fork-scraping, groaning-around-your-food loud. She'll either be so annoyed she'll leave, or she'll find something different to yell at you about.

    It's not mature *at all* to escalate passive aggression, but really, she sorta deserves it. Or you can do the mature, adult thing and try to have a non-confrontational discussion about it.
  • chubby_checkers
    chubby_checkers Posts: 2,352 Member

    final option A. is to verbally abuse the family. tell your sister she's looking a little puffy herself. tell stepmom it's too bad she couldnt find a different family to infiltrate and poison. remind gram that her end is likely coming soon. tell dad his genetics are the issue and you wish you had a stronger bloodline.

    I like this one. It might help to hint that stepmom is chunking up a bit, too.
  • americangirlok
    americangirlok Posts: 228 Member
    Ugh people "helping" so obnoxious! I'm sorry they are all making it so uncomfortable for you. I'd be counting the days to go back to college and do what's best for you and in the interim either ignore them or say in a really sweet, kill 'em w/ kindness way "what I've been doing has worked so far- so I don't see this as broke and needing fixing- but if it turns out you're right I'll seek your advice then."
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    I am really glad to hear this is only for a short time. I read through the first post once, then read others' advice...and was thinking along the same lines.

    Then I read the OP again.

    And caught the words "younger sister". Somehow I guess the first read-through, I thought it was someone else doing the policing like a stepmother, grandmother, or someone else mentioned...

    YOUNGER. SISTER.

    I would put my foot down and tell her to stop commenting on my food intake. I might ask her why the hell she's camped out in the kitchen 24/7 also. If she persisted, I'd go the F off on her, in short order -- and tell her exactly what I thought of her ridiculous food bullying and let her know that I would NEVER accept that kind of treatment from her.
  • ValGogo
    ValGogo Posts: 2,168 Member
    Um, punch her in the face. I'm serious. She's your sister, you're still young enough to get away with fighting, and shoot, why not? She deserves it.
  • KCMission
    KCMission Posts: 43 Member
    I agree with Sparklefrogz - my personal response to people when they make unwelcome comments is "Thank you for your concern".

    Case in point, i was given a shirt as a gift that was a size Large, and I'm currently in a small/medium. My dear hubby (tongue in cheek) laughed and said "Don't worry you'll grow into it". He's lucky there was a table between us or he would have worn a plate to the head, but instead I looked at him and simply smiled and said, "Thanks so much for your support".

    He felt like an *kitten* - which he was, but he got it.
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  • d0v3r13
    d0v3r13 Posts: 61 Member
    get through the 11 days as undramatically as possible. your siser has likely picked up the NPD from your dad, which means she's feeling threatened by you making positive changes for yourself. nothing you do or say is going to make the situation better until they begin to seek help, and they likely won't. keep your head focused on your goals, ignore them. narcissist don't care if you respond or not, they are performing for an audience of one, themselves. ignore it, don't fight it, don't let it get to you, and try to never put yourself in that environment ever again. they are toxic people who will only ever try to tear you down and you don't deserve that. also, maybe look into some counseling services, probably available through the school, for yourself. its incredibly traumatizing to grow up with family like that and it would help you a lot just to talk it out a little bit.
  • Fatandfifty3
    Fatandfifty3 Posts: 419 Member
    Sometimes kiddo you just can't win... so the answer is ...Fight dirty.

    For example-
    Q. "Isn't that going to ruin your diet for the day?"
    Ans. With bald stare whilst taking a big bite " Yeah probably."

    The idea here is that the sanctimonious and patronising person will give up and back off when not being fed by an 'appropriate' response from you. They want to get a rise from you. Don't give it.
    It is only 11 days. Stick to your diet plan. Don't let them ruin your take on your life.

    (I'm in your corner for you. I lived in a similar situation. If you'd like to friend me do so.)
  • ValGogo
    ValGogo Posts: 2,168 Member
    Um, punch her in the face. I'm serious. She's your sister, you're still young enough to get away with fighting, and shoot, why not? She deserves it.

    Actually, I think a slap is better.
  • Mouse_Potato
    Mouse_Potato Posts: 1,513 Member
    I would make them sit down with me every time they said something and listen as I explain in painstaking detail why I am able to fit whatever food it was in to my plan. I would show them my target calories and explain what each macronutrient is and why it is important and how my choice of food fits my plan. I would run reports, print out charts detailing my progress, show projected weight loss, etc.. Then I would start asking them about their eating habits and offering tips on how they could improve.

    But then I'm kind of a b-word.
  • DoingTheNeedful
    DoingTheNeedful Posts: 23 Member
    Ah crap I misread that too. It's not the stepmother, but the younger sister that's being a ****.

    Yeah, headphones all the way, or give her noogies until she promises to stop. Or the passive-aggressive lip-smacking food crunching right in front of her face. Long drawn out commentary about how you're soooo glad that this reasonably sized bowl of ice cream fits your macros perfectly, and how absolutely delicious it is.

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