Living with an alcoholic
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kwb87
Posts: 70 Member
Apologies that this is not strictly fitness related but it is health related and I have received lots of great support on this forum about general fitness and diet, I wanted to share this in the hope that someone might be able to offer support or point me in the direction of some.
So I'm coming into the third and hopefully final year of my PhD. This is my dream and I love my research, I’ve worked really hard to get here. For the final stretch I just need to work hard, reward myself, keep a good routine and look after my mind and body.
This is all being made harder by life with my alcoholic partner. He is what people call a 'high-functioning alcoholic' in that he has a good job, turns up on time, does bits of D.I.Y. and his fair share of housework, food shopping, pays his share of the bills etc... BUT he drinks excessive amounts of alcohol. To put this into perspective, I arrived home from the university today at 4pm and he had finished 4 bottles of red wine which he bought at 8pm last night. He can easily drink 2 bottles of wine a day every day. It is mostly at night and up until recently was only at night but on 2 occasions recently, I've woke on a weekend at around 7am and he's got up half an hour before me and is finishing of the film and bottle of wine from the previous night, while I sit with my cereal and coffee. I worry about his health, long-term and short-term. He has lots of mood swings, he can be cuddly one minute and then wants to tickle and nibble at me. This is all sweet and romantic fun when he's sober but when he's had too much to drink he can be rough, extremely irritating and the nibbling becomes more like biting. He goes into rants about things in the news, global politics etc but in an almost aggressive way so it is impossible to engage in a proper conversation and he tells me I'm too liberal and naive. He’ll drive 3 miles to pick up a pizza even after too much alcohol and I worry about his and others’ safety.
When he's sober he is the most loving, caring, attentive, intelligent and creative man I have ever met. He buys me flowers, he drives me to surprise places, he fitted a bath in our house as we only had a shower and I love to have a bath, he compliments me, listens to me, cares for me when I'm sick (even took a day off once to care for me). He talks of our future, of getting married and travelling, he makes me laugh and makes me feel very loved.
I wrote him a letter a few weeks ago to tell him how I feel and he stopped drinking for 5 days and things were better. For 2 weeks he only drank on the weekend and in moderation but things have slipped back and feel like they could be worse than ever.
He recognises that he has a problem, I’ve told him that I’m not there to change him but there to support him and I’ve suggested counselling but he doesn’t want it. He says he can manage his own problems. I’m starting to think that I should try and find a new place to live (I have no family to move in with near to my university) this will be a struggle because our mortgage at the moment is fairly cheap and I only pay half of this. I’m starting to think that a break would be good for him to gain some perspective and control of his life but moving out would be a massive upheaval especially for me (selfishly) at this stage of my PhD and especially if we are able to work things out. I also don’t want to abandon him, he’s a good man in a bad place and I want to support him I just don’t know how.
I don’t know what to do. If anyone has any experiences or can point me somewhere, it would be really appreciated.
Thanks
So I'm coming into the third and hopefully final year of my PhD. This is my dream and I love my research, I’ve worked really hard to get here. For the final stretch I just need to work hard, reward myself, keep a good routine and look after my mind and body.
This is all being made harder by life with my alcoholic partner. He is what people call a 'high-functioning alcoholic' in that he has a good job, turns up on time, does bits of D.I.Y. and his fair share of housework, food shopping, pays his share of the bills etc... BUT he drinks excessive amounts of alcohol. To put this into perspective, I arrived home from the university today at 4pm and he had finished 4 bottles of red wine which he bought at 8pm last night. He can easily drink 2 bottles of wine a day every day. It is mostly at night and up until recently was only at night but on 2 occasions recently, I've woke on a weekend at around 7am and he's got up half an hour before me and is finishing of the film and bottle of wine from the previous night, while I sit with my cereal and coffee. I worry about his health, long-term and short-term. He has lots of mood swings, he can be cuddly one minute and then wants to tickle and nibble at me. This is all sweet and romantic fun when he's sober but when he's had too much to drink he can be rough, extremely irritating and the nibbling becomes more like biting. He goes into rants about things in the news, global politics etc but in an almost aggressive way so it is impossible to engage in a proper conversation and he tells me I'm too liberal and naive. He’ll drive 3 miles to pick up a pizza even after too much alcohol and I worry about his and others’ safety.
When he's sober he is the most loving, caring, attentive, intelligent and creative man I have ever met. He buys me flowers, he drives me to surprise places, he fitted a bath in our house as we only had a shower and I love to have a bath, he compliments me, listens to me, cares for me when I'm sick (even took a day off once to care for me). He talks of our future, of getting married and travelling, he makes me laugh and makes me feel very loved.
I wrote him a letter a few weeks ago to tell him how I feel and he stopped drinking for 5 days and things were better. For 2 weeks he only drank on the weekend and in moderation but things have slipped back and feel like they could be worse than ever.
He recognises that he has a problem, I’ve told him that I’m not there to change him but there to support him and I’ve suggested counselling but he doesn’t want it. He says he can manage his own problems. I’m starting to think that I should try and find a new place to live (I have no family to move in with near to my university) this will be a struggle because our mortgage at the moment is fairly cheap and I only pay half of this. I’m starting to think that a break would be good for him to gain some perspective and control of his life but moving out would be a massive upheaval especially for me (selfishly) at this stage of my PhD and especially if we are able to work things out. I also don’t want to abandon him, he’s a good man in a bad place and I want to support him I just don’t know how.
I don’t know what to do. If anyone has any experiences or can point me somewhere, it would be really appreciated.
Thanks
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Replies
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I am very sorry you are dealing with this. I am sure you've gotten very good advice on these boards related to fitness, but unless someone here is a social worker or has some really relevant life experience, it's a very long shot for you to find real help for this serious issue here.
Is there someone at your school whom you can reach out to, in a position as advisor or counselor, for guidance or just to speak with about your concern? Have you talked with your friends and family?
I wish you the best of luck.0 -
Al Anon, which I believe is a global organization, would be a great place for you to start.0
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http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Jinx! I see she already beat me to it. I've only ever been to one meeting, but I do intend to keep going. You can't change his behavior, and you wouldn't be going to learn how to make him stop or to make it all OK, but to find serenity for yourself, however that needs to be accomplished.
Best of luck, and congratulations on your accomplishments with your education so far!0 -
If you haven't already; I highly suggest you check into an Al-Anon program
Best of luck to you!0 -
You can't help an alcoholic. They will only get better if they want to get better. In his mind, he is handling it just fine. He's working, he does DIY projects, etc. So what's the problem?
The problem is he's a high-functioning drunk. And trust me when I say it won't change until he hits rock bottom. And he's nowhere near rock bottom.
It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to live this way. You will have to give him an ultimatum and then stick with it. You can't save him. All the hard work is up to him.
(former fiance was an alcoholic - I left him. Best friend is an alcoholic who has had life threatening seizures when he stops, and has the beginnings of liver failure)0 -
It will only escalate if he is unwilling to acknowledge he has a problem that needs to be addressed. It WILL escalate. Maybe not this year, maybe not in three years but, sadly, it will get worse. These things NEVER get better.
And yes I have experience in this; from family, to friends to being an addict myself.
Alcohol is a drug, in case some other smartypants reading this want to argue.0 -
I know it's hard, but if you can, you need to leave.
And next time he gets in his car drunk, call the police and tell them where to find him. He's going to kill someone.0 -
You can't help an alcoholic. They will only get better if they want to get better. In his mind, he is handling it just fine. He's working, he does DIY projects, etc. So what's the problem?
The problem is he's a high-functioning drunk. And trust me when I say it won't change until he hits rock bottom. And he's nowhere near rock bottom.
It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to live this way. You will have to give him an ultimatum and then stick with it. You can't save him. All the hard work is up to him.
(former fiance was an alcoholic - I left him. Best friend is an alcoholic who has had life threatening seizures when he stops, and has the beginnings of liver failure)
^^^ Short and sweet this is exactly the truth, it's unfortunate but it is a fact.0 -
As a mother of two daughters in long term recovery, my suggestion to you is Alanon. You cannot change anyone else except for yourself. Good luck to you!0
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Well the answer already been said. He has to change for himself. No one else can or will do it. I am a stubborn guy and I know a lot of men are. I was also on a road to becoming a alcoholic. I have met people like your SO.
I myself had a drinking issue because I never thought is was a problem. Then is became a problem and my bottom is not even close to some rock bottoms I have seeing.
Trying to lose weight and drinking anywhere from 10- over 30 drinks on a typical week. Most of the drinking was done on weekends. So I was kind of your SO. A night worth of sleep can cancel out whatever quantity of drinks I had the night before.
If you really want to help him I can try. Alcohol is a hard habit to break.0 -
unfortunately, it sounds to me like a professional third party needs to get involved. whether that's an AA meeting or a counselor or whatever, his attempt to stop on his own wasn't as successful as it should have been.He recognises that he has a problem, I’ve told him that I’m not there to change him but there to support him and I’ve suggested counselling but he doesn’t want it. He says he can manage his own problems.
people say admitting you have a problem is the first step, and sometimes the hardest. i believe that admitting you don't have control over your own life anymore is the hardest.
i grew up with an alcoholic, and my mom helped him quit... it took several years (about 15), but i remember coming home from college one weekend to see my dad drinking a soda instead of his usual wine. i nearly looked at my mom and said "dad's not drinking, what's wrong?"
my husband's mother was an alcoholic, and he'd easily be one too if given the chance. we've gone through some very rough patches, and he knows that his drinking scares me. last year he had what i call his "come to jesus moment", and because of the events that transpired he has been working MUCH harder to keep his drinking to beer, just on weekends (sometimes not even then). in turn, i make sure that if he's going to drink, he eats beforehand so that he doesn't get blitzed.
this one's a deal-breaker for me, and my husband knows it.He’ll drive 3 miles to pick up a pizza even after too much alcohol and I worry about his and others’ safety.I’m starting to think that I should try and find a new place to live
if you've gotten to this point, then you need to tell him as much. it may be the one thing that helps him realize that he really does need help if your relationship is going to have a future.0 -
Al Anon, which I believe is a global organization, would be a great place for you to start.
^^^This^^^
^^^This works and helps^^^
There should be several types of meetings for you to attend at various locations at different times of the week. I personally hate the speaker-meetings because most speakers are not dealing with the problem I want to hear about. I also found that 15 minutes before and after the meetings is the most informative part of the meeting for me. I managed to find people dealing with similar issues (in this case, a drug addicted son - who is now clean and sober for almost 6 months) and their personal experience is a great teacher.0 -
You can't change him, he has to want it for himself. This process isn't about you. I understand wanting to support him, but you need to be worried about your own safety and well being and you can support him when he is ready to make a change. Alcoholics come in all shape and form, but I think they all have in common that it gets worse before it gets better. Like others have said, I would check into the al anon meetings. Someone dear to me is currently trying to get sober. He has his good days and he has his bad days, but as long as he is still trying, I know it's working and all a part of the process. I wish you and him, the best of luck.0
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This isn't going to work long term unless he wants to change (my husband gave up completely 8 years ago, but he didn't have an addiction as such, I just found him irritating when drunk - so he stopped) it will be very difficult for him if he decides to do it, and he'll need support.
But you need to do what's best for you. As long as he's not violent / abusive there's probably not a problem staying with him short term for your own convenience - but I'd start thinking out my exit plan if I were you (finances etc) and saving a little if you can.
If you can get him to change that's great, as it sounds like he's a nice guy without the drink - but you can't change him on your own.
From a practical point of view - you could give up yourself - that might make it easier for him to go dry (going dry was easier for my hubby than cutting down). Also could you just buy wine one bottle at a time? Once you've had some wine, the decision making processes are already compromised making it more likely to open the second bottle (and third) - if there's only one in the house, that's as much as he can have!0 -
Thanks for all the wonderfully supportive and honest comments, I've been finding it hard to gain perspective and have few people to talk to at the moment so have been feeling very isolated. It's just especially hard to deal with as I enter my 7th and final year at university - this is the one thing I'm good at and I love I don't want to mess it up now. I forgot to say that I'm in my late twenties therefore the al-teen links aren't so relevant to me but I really do appreciate all the advice and comments.
I'm taking a look at Al-alon now and have found some local meetings - there's one I can attend tomorrow in fact.
Thanks for the support especially on such an off-topic post - it's much appreciated.0 -
You can't help an alcoholic. They will only get better if they want to get better. In his mind, he is handling it just fine. He's working, he does DIY projects, etc. So what's the problem?
This. My stepmom started drinking (never even socially drank before) about 2 years ago. Right away she got a DUI. It's spiraled out of control and she drinks constantly. She won't acknowledge that she has a problem. My poor sister was the only kid left at home and had to deal with it constantly: picking her mom up of the front porch, cleaning up her vomit, getting berated and verbally abused when she was drunk, etc.. Dad is in denial. He want's to keep it hushed up because of his semi-political job. He doesn't realize that EVERYONE knows. I've had to stop taking my son there several times until she could get it under control. She would be good for a bit then get wasted like 5 nights in a row after a 3 day break.
The worst part is she gets crappy with us when she is approached about it. She will get really ****ty with us and say that we are spoiled brats, we are horrible for not letting her see her grandson because we thinks she is an incompetent grandparents. etc.. Now matter what we do, she will not acknowledge her problem. Period.
Thankfully, my sister just moved into her college dorm this weekend, so she is away from it and that only leaves my dad to deal with it until he can wake up!0 -
Apologies that this is not strictly fitness related but it is health related and I have received lots of great support on this forum about general fitness and diet, I wanted to share this in the hope that someone might be able to offer support or point me in the direction of some.
So I'm coming into the third and hopefully final year of my PhD. This is my dream and I love my research, I’ve worked really hard to get here. For the final stretch I just need to work hard, reward myself, keep a good routine and look after my mind and body.
This is all being made harder by life with my alcoholic partner. He is what people call a 'high-functioning alcoholic' in that he has a good job, turns up on time, does bits of D.I.Y. and his fair share of housework, food shopping, pays his share of the bills etc... BUT he drinks excessive amounts of alcohol. To put this into perspective, I arrived home from the university today at 4pm and he had finished 4 bottles of red wine which he bought at 8pm last night. He can easily drink 2 bottles of wine a day every day. It is mostly at night and up until recently was only at night but on 2 occasions recently, I've woke on a weekend at around 7am and he's got up half an hour before me and is finishing of the film and bottle of wine from the previous night, while I sit with my cereal and coffee. I worry about his health, long-term and short-term. He has lots of mood swings, he can be cuddly one minute and then wants to tickle and nibble at me. This is all sweet and romantic fun when he's sober but when he's had too much to drink he can be rough, extremely irritating and the nibbling becomes more like biting. He goes into rants about things in the news, global politics etc but in an almost aggressive way so it is impossible to engage in a proper conversation and he tells me I'm too liberal and naive. He’ll drive 3 miles to pick up a pizza even after too much alcohol and I worry about his and others’ safety.
When he's sober he is the most loving, caring, attentive, intelligent and creative man I have ever met. He buys me flowers, he drives me to surprise places, he fitted a bath in our house as we only had a shower and I love to have a bath, he compliments me, listens to me, cares for me when I'm sick (even took a day off once to care for me). He talks of our future, of getting married and travelling, he makes me laugh and makes me feel very loved.
I wrote him a letter a few weeks ago to tell him how I feel and he stopped drinking for 5 days and things were better. For 2 weeks he only drank on the weekend and in moderation but things have slipped back and feel like they could be worse than ever.
He recognises that he has a problem, I’ve told him that I’m not there to change him but there to support him and I’ve suggested counselling but he doesn’t want it. He says he can manage his own problems. I’m starting to think that I should try and find a new place to live (I have no family to move in with near to my university) this will be a struggle because our mortgage at the moment is fairly cheap and I only pay half of this. I’m starting to think that a break would be good for him to gain some perspective and control of his life but moving out would be a massive upheaval especially for me (selfishly) at this stage of my PhD and especially if we are able to work things out. I also don’t want to abandon him, he’s a good man in a bad place and I want to support him I just don’t know how.
I don’t know what to do. If anyone has any experiences or can point me somewhere, it would be really appreciated.
Thanks
I worked with a guy like this. Functioning, and had a successful business...I din't even know he was an alcoholic. Then something gradually changed. His drinking cost him everything. His family, his business..he wouldn't stop drinking for any of it. He just lied about stopping. And he was the only one who believed the lies.
He went from being very successful to living in a halfway house and even spending some time in jail for various stupid things.
But his wife couldn't save him, and you can't save this guy. He'll keep doing it until he wants to stop, not when you want him to.0 -
As so many others have recommended. Go to a few Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is for the loved ones of an alcoholics. AA is for the alcoholic. You can't control the behavior of an alcoholic, but you can control how you react to them. A good friend of mine, who is an alcoholic (2 years+ sober) told me, alcoholics end up in one of 3 places:
1) jail
2) dead
3) rehab
They have to want the 3rd option. Otherwise they won't be committed to the change. I know it breaks your heart to see someone being so self destructive, but it's not really your decision to make.0 -
You can't help an alcoholic. They will only get better if they want to get better. In his mind, he is handling it just fine. He's working, he does DIY projects, etc. So what's the problem?
The problem is he's a high-functioning drunk. And trust me when I say it won't change until he hits rock bottom. And he's nowhere near rock bottom.
It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to live this way. You will have to give him an ultimatum and then stick with it. You can't save him. All the hard work is up to him.
(former fiance was an alcoholic - I left him. Best friend is an alcoholic who has had life threatening seizures when he stops, and has the beginnings of liver failure)
As someone who has been in a very similar situation I would agree with this. If he can carry on as he is without any repercussions what incentive does he have to stop? When you are drinking as much as this health is not even something that enters your mind until things get really bad. I would agree with giving him an ultimatum and stick to it, I wish you all the best of luck with it and hope things improve for you and your partner0
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