Living with an alcoholic
Options
Replies
-
And next time he gets in his car drunk, call the police and tell them where to find him. He's going to kill someone.
^ This
and by doing so he may be forced to go to addiction counseling by a judge0 -
I don't have many regrets but I wish I'd had the strength and self protective mechanism to leave the alcoholics and drug addicts in my family and life.
They quite literally drove me out of my mind. I will never get over the trauma of dealing with my mother until her alcoholic death ten years ago. I stayed til the bitter end and damaged myself terribly. Looking back I should have just walked away.
Nothing hurts more than coming second to an addiction. Especially when you are trying to get them well and thinking it will work out.
I wish you the best, I think you are much stronger than me and will see what the right thing to do is. Be prepared for a rough ride though, he may convince you he is getting well, and start you on a merry dance.
Sorry....0 -
This isn't going to work long term unless he wants to change (my husband gave up completely 8 years ago, but he didn't have an addiction as such, I just found him irritating when drunk - so he stopped) it will be very difficult for him if he decides to do it, and he'll need support.
But you need to do what's best for you. As long as he's not violent / abusive there's probably not a problem staying with him short term for your own convenience - but I'd start thinking out my exit plan if I were you (finances etc) and saving a little if you can.
If you can get him to change that's great, as it sounds like he's a nice guy without the drink - but you can't change him on your own.
From a practical point of view - you could give up yourself - that might make it easier for him to go dry (going dry was easier for my hubby than cutting down). Also could you just buy wine one bottle at a time? Once you've had some wine, the decision making processes are already compromised making it more likely to open the second bottle (and third) - if there's only one in the house, that's as much as he can have!
Thanks for practical advice, much appreciated. This is tough. Alcohol is something I could take or leave and so recently I've not drank at all. To be honest seeing his state and several dirty wine glasses on the kitchen side every morning is enough to put me off. The four bottle was actually a box of wine with the equivalent of 4 bottles in it. I've been there and suggested just buying one bottle at a time but often he'll drink the one bottle and walk or drive out to buy another one or two. I've even tried hiding his car keys before now.
We have discussed things when he's sober, he's often brought the issue up himself and asked for my help and support which makes it so hurtful when he ignores my help or his new plan.
I've made a decision to attend a meeting and speak to some others in the same boat and will tell my partner (when I next see him sober) that I'm attending a meeting because I'm worried about him. As people are highlighting here I can only help/change myself and not him.
Thanks0 -
It will only escalate if he is unwilling to acknowledge he has a problem that needs to be addressed. It WILL escalate. Maybe not this year, maybe not in three years but, sadly, it will get worse. These things NEVER get better.
And yes I have experience in this; from family, to friends to being an addict myself.
Alcohol is a drug, in case some other smartypants reading this want to argue.
^^ this a million times.
Don't have kids with him. Don't believe the promises - he will always break them. Don't think it gets better when he stops drinking - one can be a dry drunk like my dad. It was just as bad when dad wasn't drinking. The unpredictable life that comes with this addiction is so incredibly stressful. Don't think that your career won't be affected - this affliction worms itself into every aspect of your life. REPEAT - IT NEVER GETS BETTER!!
If you choose to stay with him:
1.) be prepared to deal with disappointment. Every. Single. Time.
2.) scotch-proof your car when you have to drive him to rehab in the middle of the night so you don't have to replace the puked on carpet for the 23rd time.
3.) have money available for bail and legal fees
4.) get your stories straight for when family members ask you embarrassing questions or accept when you are ignored at family gatherings
5.) have an escape plan when you have to leave a social function in humiliation
6.) make sure you have the money for the deductible when he beats the crap out of you and you have to go to the ER
7.) don't ever bring him to work functions - it's a career limiting move having your spouse get hammered at the holiday party
8.) don't keep anything of value in the house anymore - it will get busted / destroyed / pawned / stolen by his "friends" at one point
9.) don't expect your friends to continually support you after they have begged you to leave the relationship
10.) accept the face that you are an enabler, a codependent and your self worth will approach zero.
He will blame you for his failures. His future drinking buddies will mean more to him than you. You will have no safety net. You will grow to hate him. Eventually, the alcoholism will ruin his brain, he will lose short term / long term memory, lose some bodily function and you will live out your life as his full time caregiver / punching bag if he doesn't die prematurely.
You are so much better than this.0 -
This. No matter what consequences he faces, they're better than allowing him to kill someone.And next time he gets in his car drunk, call the police and tell them where to find him. He's going to kill someone.0 -
There's only one statement I'm going to have to disagree with- that you can't help and alcoholic/addict. You absolutely can, BUT only when THEY decide for themselves that they are ready to receive the help/treatment they need to begin recovery. I am, and always will be a recovering addict. I realize my addiction is a lot different, but it caused as much damage and heartbreak as any drug or alcohol. I am a recovering shopping addict. Many people laugh, and think, there's NO way this is for real. Unfortunately, it's ALL too real. Over a span for 14 years, I have bankrupt not one, but two family members, been in credit counseling twice, my husband took out a loan against his 401k to pay off the 22,000.00 in debt that I had accumulated, and the final total that we're getting ready to wipe out when we refinance the house will be somewhere over 30K. I've spent, I would say well over one hundred thousand dollars shopping.
Shopping was my drug. When I was sad, I shopped. When I was happy, I shopped. When I was bored, I shopped. Shopping was a social activity for me. After I had my daughter, and suffered with PTSD, it hit an all time high. I accumulated debt I didn't even KNOW I had. I didn't even remember doing it. I had the nice things- the designer handbags, shoes, clothing, perfume- you name it, it was there, but honest to God, I didn't remember buying any of it. I did it trying to kill the pain.
I can tell you this- many of us who are struggling with addiction are struggling for one if not two reasons: we're trying to kill the pain of something we just don't want to/can't deal with and/or we live with a mental illness. I have both.
Sadly, many people who are struggling with addiction, whatever it may be, either have to hit rock bottom before they seek out help/treatment, or lose everything they have, many never seek treatment. For those who do, there are often many bumps in the road, sometimes a relapse will happen, they need a VERY strong support system, and they HAVE to want to recover. There is no cure. There is no, "I used to be a shopping addict, or I used to be an alcoholic, or I used to be a drug addict"." We will ALWAYS be addicts. Always. From the day we choose to get help, until the day we die, we will be in recovery, and I'm ok with that.
It's a process, but it can be done, your partner has to be the one to make the decision for himself that he wants to be sober.
I know others have already posted it, but there are great resources to be found here for support for you, and for your partner, when he decides he is ready to take the first step. If you need support, I will be glad to do whatever I can.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/0 -
I guess it might be a bit irrelevant to wonder what is going on in his life that makes him want to medicate... he is clearly not happy... but I suppose it's best to ditch him and let him sort it out.0
-
Inasmuch as the decision to drink still rests solely in his hands, yes. (ETA: I know it looks cold and harsh, but since ultimately nobody but the OP can be responsible for OP, she needs to focus on taking care of herself first. Put on your own oxygen mask first!)I guess it might be a bit irrelevant to wonder what is going on in his life that makes him want to medicate... he is clearly not happy... but I suppose it's best to ditch him and let him sort it out.
Nobody ever said that people in recovery from addiction might not also need counseling for mental health issues on top of it. It's called dual diagnosis, and it's absolutely a thing. And people that fall into this category are a pain in the drain to deal with when they're not doing the work to be in recovery. :grumble:0 -
Don't have kids with him. Don't believe the promises - he will always break them. Don't think it gets better when he stops drinking - one can be a dry drunk like my dad. It was just as bad when dad wasn't drinking. The unpredictable life that comes with this addiction is so incredibly stressful. Don't think that your career won't be affected - this affliction worms itself into every aspect of your life. REPEAT - IT NEVER GETS BETTER!!
If you choose to stay with him:
1.) be prepared to deal with disappointment. Every. Single. Time.
2.) scotch-proof your car when you have to drive him to rehab in the middle of the night so you don't have to replace the puked on carpet for the 23rd time.
3.) have money available for bail and legal fees
4.) get your stories straight for when family members ask you embarrassing questions or accept when you are ignored at family gatherings
5.) have an escape plan when you have to leave a social function in humiliation
6.) make sure you have the money for the deductible when he beats the crap out of you and you have to go to the ER
7.) don't ever bring him to work functions - it's a career limiting move having your spouse get hammered at the holiday party
8.) don't keep anything of value in the house anymore - it will get busted / destroyed / pawned / stolen by his "friends" at one point
9.) don't expect your friends to continually support you after they have begged you to leave the relationship
10.) accept the face that you are an enabler, a codependent and your self worth will approach zero.
He will blame you for his failures. His future drinking buddies will mean more to him than you. You will have no safety net. You will grow to hate him. Eventually, the alcoholism will ruin his brain, he will lose short term / long term memory, lose some bodily function and you will live out your life as his full time caregiver / punching bag if he doesn't die prematurely.
You are so much better than this.
Very succinct.. my friend was also diabetic, and the excess alcohol caused his blood sugar to go through the roof so he's lost several toes, part of a foot, and had two open heart surgeries. Add that and possible blindness to care giving if your alcoholic is also diabetic.0 -
Inasmuch as the decision to drink still rests solely in his hands, yes.I guess it might be a bit irrelevant to wonder what is going on in his life that makes him want to medicate... he is clearly not happy... but I suppose it's best to ditch him and let him sort it out.
Nobody ever said that people in recovery from addiction might not also need counseling for mental health issues on top of it. It's called dual diagnosis, and it's absolutely a thing. And people that fall into this category are a pain in the drain to deal with when they're not doing the work to be in recovery. :grumble:
You are correct I know why is was drinking 10 + mix drinks when I go out. It was not all because it taste good. My favorite drinks are very alcoholic for a reason. Bacardi 151 is in it. Can you add another shot of it please. My very first drink ever bought out was a long island so water down. I was like can I get a shot of 151 please. There is no alcohol in this thing.0 -
All this, plus kidney and/or liver failure. My best friend who was a brittle childhood diabetic was clever enough to also get himself hooked on cigarettes and booze. He died 6 years and 5 days ago, 6 days after his 34th birthday. Such a waste.
Don't have kids with him. Don't believe the promises - he will always break them. Don't think it gets better when he stops drinking - one can be a dry drunk like my dad. It was just as bad when dad wasn't drinking. The unpredictable life that comes with this addiction is so incredibly stressful. Don't think that your career won't be affected - this affliction worms itself into every aspect of your life. REPEAT - IT NEVER GETS BETTER!!
If you choose to stay with him:
1.) be prepared to deal with disappointment. Every. Single. Time.
2.) scotch-proof your car when you have to drive him to rehab in the middle of the night so you don't have to replace the puked on carpet for the 23rd time.
3.) have money available for bail and legal fees
4.) get your stories straight for when family members ask you embarrassing questions or accept when you are ignored at family gatherings
5.) have an escape plan when you have to leave a social function in humiliation
6.) make sure you have the money for the deductible when he beats the crap out of you and you have to go to the ER
7.) don't ever bring him to work functions - it's a career limiting move having your spouse get hammered at the holiday party
8.) don't keep anything of value in the house anymore - it will get busted / destroyed / pawned / stolen by his "friends" at one point
9.) don't expect your friends to continually support you after they have begged you to leave the relationship
10.) accept the face that you are an enabler, a codependent and your self worth will approach zero.
He will blame you for his failures. His future drinking buddies will mean more to him than you. You will have no safety net. You will grow to hate him. Eventually, the alcoholism will ruin his brain, he will lose short term / long term memory, lose some bodily function and you will live out your life as his full time caregiver / punching bag if he doesn't die prematurely.
You are so much better than this.
Very succinct.. my friend was also diabetic, and the excess alcohol caused his blood sugar to go through the roof so he's lost several toes, part of a foot, and had two open heart surgeries. Add that and possible blindness to care giving if your alcoholic is also diabetic.0 -
I don't mean to be critical, but I'm not sure what your point is with that. That you were self-medicating? That you were the one responsible for choosing to drink? That you were responsible for choosing to drink drinks with extra-high alcohol content? Or something else?You are correct I know why is was drinking 10 + mix drinks when I go out. It was not all because it taste good. My favorite drinks are very alcoholic for a reason. Bacardi 151 is in it. Can you add another shot of it please. My very first drink ever bought out was a long island so water down. I was like can I get a shot of 151 please. There is no alcohol in this thing.0 -
One word - Al-Anon.0
-
I don't mean to be critical, but I'm not sure what your point is with that. That you were self-medicating? That you were the one responsible for choosing to drink? That you were responsible for choosing to drink drinks with extra-high alcohol content? Or something else?You are correct I know why is was drinking 10 + mix drinks when I go out. It was not all because it taste good. My favorite drinks are very alcoholic for a reason. Bacardi 151 is in it. Can you add another shot of it please. My very first drink ever bought out was a long island so water down. I was like can I get a shot of 151 please. There is no alcohol in this thing.
The point was to show that I know where OP SO is coming from. What I also do know that a lot of people disagree with is that a alcoholic can be rehabilitated. Is it easy. NO. Alcohol addiction is very hard to get through and conquer. Can he though. I believe so. Does he want to. OP clearly states that he does not. I think he now drinks to feel normal. No I did not get to that point. I have met and talk with people would need to drink or that day becomes a very bad day for them.0 -
Two of my closest friends drink a bottle of wine a day.
I feel like that kid in The Sixth Sense. Except I see Alcoholic People and their futures.
Every one was so surprised when my Mum left us. The level of denial in friends and family is unbelievable.
I also knew Amy W. Everyone was shocked except me, I was surprised she survived as long as she did.
True also about dry drunks with pathology, two very close members of my family are sociopaths. I give a very wide berth nowadays.
After having had my fingers burnt several times, I am very careful who I let in, but I still end up surrounded by addicts, anorexics and alcoholics! Maybe it's just really common. I love them dearly, but try not to interfere and let them get on with it, and hold them at arms length.
It's really difficult to walk away.0 -
Is this meant to be guilt-inducing for the OP? She's not responsible for him or for helping him "sort it out." She can do so if she chooses, but she shouldn't be made to feel guilty if it's not something she can do or chooses to do.I guess it might be a bit irrelevant to wonder what is going on in his life that makes him want to medicate... he is clearly not happy... but I suppose it's best to ditch him and let him sort it out.0 -
Prioritize the dissertation over everything else. Make every decision in your personal life work towards the end goal of succeeding in your school work.
(Men come and go. Take care of yourself.)0 -
Well I am sorry you have to deal with that0
-
Is this meant to be guilt-inducing for the OP? She's not responsible for him or for helping him "sort it out." She can do so if she chooses, but she shouldn't be made to feel guilty if it's not something she can do or chooses to do.I guess it might be a bit irrelevant to wonder what is going on in his life that makes him want to medicate... he is clearly not happy... but I suppose it's best to ditch him and let him sort it out.
If your SO is drinking there life away would you not wonder why? I would that would be a daily conversation.0 -
I guess it might be a bit irrelevant to wonder what is going on in his life that makes him want to medicate... he is clearly not happy... but I suppose it's best to ditch him and let him sort it out.
Thanks for the message and trust me I do wonder, I do much more than wonder, I try my best to be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a non-judgmental friend and partner. I've not once asked him to stop drinking as I don't want to be the enemy but instead I've asked him what makes him feel the need to drink and I've asked what I can do for him. He says he feels lost and down but "doesn't need a professional". I've asked him if he'll talk to his friends and he says "I can manage my own issues".
I may sound harsh for putting back up plans in place of how to 'ditch him' but it is my health, wellbeing and career on the line and I don't know what else to do when he says time and time again "I don't enjoy drinking but I need it to shut off", "I love you and I don't want to lose you" and then "I think I'm never going to drink again", "I think I'll just never drink in the house again", "I think I'll only drink on weekends", "I think I'll just finish this bottle and then never again".
12 months ago we were head over heels in love and I'd never been happier, he is such an amazing man and I love him to bits, it really saddens me that he might not be ready to help himself and explore his motivations to drink.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.7K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 390 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.2K MyFitnessPal Information
- 22 News and Announcements
- 921 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions