Living with an alcoholic

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  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
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    What are you thinking OP? Do you think you have decided to stay?

    Thanks for this. It wasn't so simple as 'should I stay, should I go?' really. I've taken on board everything that everyone here has said and also what my one close friend (the only one I've spoke to about this) has said. Last night after posting on here, my partner came home with several bottles of diet coke and made a promise to turn his life around. I'm not as naive as I was the first time he said this, or the second. We had a good conversation last night and I told him about the al-anon meetings - I think that was a bit of a shock to him. He said "I don't need a meeting, I'm ready to handle it", I told him that the meetings are for ME and not HIM and that I too need support. I reminded him that he can talk to me anytime, we spoke about some of his fears etc... and things felt positive - they still do now. I told him that I don't want to have to look once more for a flat/room to rent but he knows I am preparing to leave if I have to.

    I don't wish to sound negative but I will see how long this stint of abstinence lasts and monitor the situation. Some people here have suggested I might be too forgiving or making too many excuses for him but to be honest, me staying here in this house - without the upheaval of moving is what is best for me right now while I finish my PhD. I only have 12 months to go. My partner isn't violent, fortunately he is also not (yet) at a stage where he is soiling himself or putting himself at risk physically within the home. The most dangerous of things is definitely him getting in his car drunk and if I'm here I can stop him. I'm hoping his addiction is rooted in something psychological and something he will be able to resolve. I'm less hopeful of this after reading some of the personal experiences told on here - those about long periods of abstinence and then relapse etc... It sounds an awful life for those involved and some of the stories have really saddened me. I don't want that to be my story in 20/30/40 years time.

    I'm going to look into my finances and then over the next 12 months try to put aside some money. I'm going to be open and up-front with my partner about how I feel (I try to do this anyway). I'm not going to get married or pregnant in this time. I'm going to continue to look after my mind and body and put 100% into my work. Not cut out my friends (I tend to do this to focus on my work/look after my partner).

    Thanks everyone once again for the support, I really didn't expect such overwhelming support and advice. And thanks too to those who have shared personal experiences - so many of you sound so strong and brave to leave situations especially where married and with children. I know that this is something I may well have to do myself but I'm not just yet ready to through away a wonderful man for the sake of 12 months of dark times we have experienced. If things are no different in 12 months from now I'll feel I have no choice but to leave.

    There is always another choice right? At least this behavior came before you got married right? Actions speak louder than words. I said in my treatment that I would stay sober till I get to my weight goal. Did that happen. NO. Did I drink to excess. No not even close. Me cutting out my binge drinking habits cause like close to a pound loss weekly.

    I am a bad example to ask about a situation about this. One hand is try to help this special person. The other hand said my schooling is almost over and I really want that degree add the credentials to my name. Where would I lean towards in your situation. I just do not know.

    At all cost just try to drag him to a AA meeting. AA could help him realize what lies in his future.
    Me being kind of like him if someone that I claim to love call the police saying that I was driving drunk. Yes you would save me from doing something bad. Being a alcoholic does not see it that way. When he finds out you did it have you imagine how that conversation would go. I guarantee there is no good from his mind coming through. Maybe 1% he will thank you.
  • SuperC_85
    SuperC_85 Posts: 393
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    Thank you for posting this OP,
    A really interesting topic and so many great replies..

    Got to go think for a bit.
  • Jakess1971
    Jakess1971 Posts: 1,208 Member
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    He’ll drive 3 miles to pick up a pizza even after too much alcohol and I worry about his and others’ safety.
    People can do what they want to themselves but this is seriously bad, If you know he does this and you do nothing to stop him and he kills someone how would you feel? People don't change unless they have a serious perspective change, this could be him loosing his driving licence, his job or you, let's hope he only harms himself in the process!
  • Fullsterkur_woman
    Fullsterkur_woman Posts: 2,712 Member
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    He’ll drive 3 miles to pick up a pizza even after too much alcohol and I worry about his and others’ safety.
    People can do what they want to themselves but this is seriously bad, If you know he does this and you do nothing to stop him and he kills someone how would you feel? People don't change unless they have a serious perspective change, this could be him loosing his driving licence, his job or you, let's hope he only harms himself in the process!
    I understand where everybody is coming from with this, but I feel like it's just putting more responsibility onto her, where it doesn't belong. She needs to spend less time policing and controlling his behavior, not more. It's sometimes coming across like a guilt trip, and that is not constructive for her. The most effective thing is to focus on herself, taking care of herself, and that is all.
  • Fullsterkur_woman
    Fullsterkur_woman Posts: 2,712 Member
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    At all cost just try to drag him to a AA meeting. AA could help him realize what lies in his future.
    The ball is in his court now. He's a growed-*kitten* man; he knows about AA. Trying to drag him to a meeting is just more codependent behavior.
    Me being kind of like him if someone that I claim to love call the police saying that I was driving drunk. Yes you would save me from doing something bad. Being a alcoholic does not see it that way. When he finds out you did it have you imagine how that conversation would go. I guarantee there is no good from his mind coming through. Maybe 1% he will thank you.
    His reaction or opinion is not at all relevant to her decision-making process in this. You're still a drinker, right? If so, I know you don't mean to, but I think your perspective might be reinforcing codependency and enabling behavior. He doesn't think about anyone but himself when he is drinking, and when drunk the alcohol is in charge of the decisions and opinions in his mind. There is zero reason for her to consider "his" (really, booze's) perspective or opinion or try to "meet him halfway" or compromise or something. Alcohol cannot be negotiated with.
  • crazie4lulu
    crazie4lulu Posts: 762 Member
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    Al Anon will become your best friend!! nothing you can do about your partner. He has to WANT to change. He has to hit rock bottom before he can start to surface for the top. He has to do the changing. We have to be able to cope. Al anon has hepled me a great deal.
  • kwb87
    kwb87 Posts: 70 Member
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    [/quote]

    I understand where everybody is coming from with this, but I feel like it's just putting more responsibility onto her, where it doesn't belong. She needs to spend less time policing and controlling his behavior, not more. It's sometimes coming across like a guilt trip, and that is not constructive for her. The most effective thing is to focus on herself, taking care of herself, and that is all.

    [/quote]

    Thanks for the support :)

    I didn't expect such an overwhelming amount of support. The comments about his driving under the influence are a bit more difficult to digest because it's not that simple. Sometimes I don't even know he has had a drink at all because he can hide it well and his tolerance is so high. I'm beginning to learn that he isn't noticibly intoxicated until he's roughly half way through a second bottle of wine. At other times I've put my work on hold to drive out myself to get him a pizza and then returned to my work or had to finish up early. There have also been times where we have been out and he is probably just over the limit to drive so I insist we walk, sometimes he's walked with me, other times I've walked home alone will he drives home. There have been perhaps 5-10 of these different occasions in total, so it isn't every week but it's enough to make me stop and question everything and clearly enough to make me come here and seek help.
  • kwb87
    kwb87 Posts: 70 Member
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    Sorry the above was in response to Fullsterkur_w with her quote at the top. I'm not sure what happened to the quote box!
  • kwb87
    kwb87 Posts: 70 Member
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    Al Anon will become your best friend!! nothing you can do about your partner. He has to WANT to change. He has to hit rock bottom before he can start to surface for the top. He has to do the changing. We have to be able to cope. Al anon has hepled me a great deal.

    Thanks for this. I'm hoping they will help. I'm feeling much more positive already.
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
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    At all cost just try to drag him to a AA meeting. AA could help him realize what lies in his future.
    The ball is in his court now. He's a growed-*kitten* man; he knows about AA. Trying to drag him to a meeting is just more codependent behavior.
    Me being kind of like him if someone that I claim to love call the police saying that I was driving drunk. Yes you would save me from doing something bad. Being a alcoholic does not see it that way. When he finds out you did it have you imagine how that conversation would go. I guarantee there is no good from his mind coming through. Maybe 1% he will thank you.
    His reaction or opinion is not at all relevant to her decision-making process in this. You're still a drinker, right? If so, I know you don't mean to, but I think your perspective might be reinforcing codependency and enabling behavior. He doesn't think about anyone but himself when he is drinking, and when drunk the alcohol is in charge of the decisions and opinions in his mind. There is zero reason for her to consider "his" (really, booze's) perspective or opinion or try to "meet him halfway" or compromise or something. Alcohol cannot be negotiated with.

    I am just giving her a perspective that she might not see since I used to be a heavy drinker. She enough or she would just say I am done with this guy.

    As for how long I have been sober it has been closer to a month of sobriety. If I look at these pass 8 months to any 8 month period since I started drinking, my alcohol quantity has drop by around 80%.
  • Burt_Huttz
    Burt_Huttz Posts: 1,612 Member
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    al-anon
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
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    OP so what do you think if he were to come across this thread and read it?

    Like you said you want him. If you did not you would have already made your decision I think.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
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    I am sorry that you are dealing with this. It seems that he is a great guy. Even when drinking, despite the driving under the influence and bit of unwelcome roughness. I truly hope that he gets some help for this issue.
  • bombshellcertification
    bombshellcertification Posts: 126 Member
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    Support for yourself is key to get stronger--ALANON or counseling or both---sometimes leaving with love is the best thing you can do for yourself and the other as it gives them (and you) a chance to shake out the relationship---work on your own self & be confronted with what's really there, self care is key ---you must love your self first to love someone else....separating may give him the self reflection or bottom he needs without you there. Prayers for his recovery and your protection, heart, decisions...it really is a one day at a time thing...be good to you and the rest will fall into place...as its meant to be...
  • FrankWorsley
    FrankWorsley Posts: 106 Member
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    This thread is so terribly sad. Alcohol ruins lives. Some things are so dangerous and destructive they should be completely avoided. Why do many in our society believe the seductive "moderation" lie?
  • Cliffslosinit
    Cliffslosinit Posts: 5,044 Member
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    Please leave....
    My world was torn apart from an alcoholic.
    The children have went through counseling etc.
    The quicker you get away the faster the healing process will be.

    It is so easy for us to type this and much harder for you to follow through with it.
    I understand that.

    Alcoholism is a horrible disease.
    :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
  • WeepingAngel81
    WeepingAngel81 Posts: 2,232 Member
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    At all cost just try to drag him to a AA meeting. AA could help him realize what lies in his future.
    The ball is in his court now. He's a growed-*kitten* man; he knows about AA. Trying to drag him to a meeting is just more codependent behavior.
    Me being kind of like him if someone that I claim to love call the police saying that I was driving drunk. Yes you would save me from doing something bad. Being a alcoholic does not see it that way. When he finds out you did it have you imagine how that conversation would go. I guarantee there is no good from his mind coming through. Maybe 1% he will thank you.
    His reaction or opinion is not at all relevant to her decision-making process in this. You're still a drinker, right? If so, I know you don't mean to, but I think your perspective might be reinforcing codependency and enabling behavior. He doesn't think about anyone but himself when he is drinking, and when drunk the alcohol is in charge of the decisions and opinions in his mind. There is zero reason for her to consider "his" (really, booze's) perspective or opinion or try to "meet him halfway" or compromise or something. Alcohol cannot be negotiated with.

    I am just giving her a perspective that she might not see since I used to be a heavy drinker. She enough or she would just say I am done with this guy.

    As for how long I have been sober it has been closer to a month of sobriety. If I look at these pass 8 months to any 8 month period since I started drinking, my alcohol quantity has drop by around 80%.

    I am glad to hear that you are getting help for the drinking, but at the same time, I agree that your perspective at this point is still a bit biased. It's not as easy sometimes as just packing up and leaving. For the person living with the alcoholic, there are many questions that need to be asked. There are many feelings that need to be addressed before taking that step. She shouldn't have to drag him to AA. This won't help her any, and it only continues to place the burden back on her.
  • Burt_Huttz
    Burt_Huttz Posts: 1,612 Member
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    Your friend sounds like someone I know. No one could control or help his alcoholism. Absolutely no one. Dragging him to an AA meeting? He never went until the end; but even then, you can lead a horse to water..

    He wouldn't stop for anything - - he was in full-on denial about how his behaviors impacted others. Any attempts to get him to stop ironically became excuses for him to drink.

    He was never fired as a result of his drinking. He never hit his wife or kids. He was very 'high-functioning' with a good job, et cetera. No DUIs, incarcerations. Inexorably though, things got continually worse for him. For people who have 'the problem' - and believe me two bottles of wine every night is indicative of a problem - things will always get worse. Solemn vows will be broken. It is simply how this progresses.

    Your friend sounds just like mine - he easily could go through a bottle of wine with no one knowing. But the tip-switch got ever-more sensitive, and when too much was too much, it went from not enough to completely soused.

    The underlying problem might have been that, at some point in his life, my buddy stopped maturing emotionally. He gradually gave over his ability to handle life's ups and downs to the easy cure-all of a drink. When the news was really bad, get nice and drunk, and suddenly don't care anymore. Soon enough it didn't matter whether the news was really bad or not. Great day? Celebrate and get drunk. Bad day? Cheer yourself up by getting drunk. Traffic was bad? Stub your toe? Sun is too bright? Too much rain?

    You, OP, cannot control that person. Believe it or not you're risking cultivating some extraordinarily bad habits by trying. You can be of some help to that person but in essentially none of the ways that we would typically think of 'helping'.


    With love,
    Burt
  • LoneWolfRunner
    LoneWolfRunner Posts: 1,160 Member
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    That's it I'm going to stay single.

    Good call.
  • spade117
    spade117 Posts: 2,466 Member
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    With love,
    Burt

    Heh...I noticed that was missing for a moment.

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