Significant Other's and Dieting
sportychic87
Posts: 214 Member
Hey all! So, I have just restarted my dieting/light exercise routine again after succeeding (I lost 25 pounds) and then gaining it all back 
Here's the issue: My fiance is overweight, probably by around 70-100 pounds, and he hates veggies.
Sometimes with out meaning to, he sabotages my diet, by eating fatty foods and asking if i want some or by buying me pricey bon bons. For example, this weekend he wants to take me to our favorite Chinese restaurant...where we...pig out.
He has said that he's trying to lose weight, but he has so much to lose. He even said: 'This has to stop, our kids can't be...Like this.' How do I discuss his weight/health with him without hurting his feelings? I love him dearly. And how do I avoid all the tempting food that he's having?
Here's the issue: My fiance is overweight, probably by around 70-100 pounds, and he hates veggies.
Sometimes with out meaning to, he sabotages my diet, by eating fatty foods and asking if i want some or by buying me pricey bon bons. For example, this weekend he wants to take me to our favorite Chinese restaurant...where we...pig out.
He has said that he's trying to lose weight, but he has so much to lose. He even said: 'This has to stop, our kids can't be...Like this.' How do I discuss his weight/health with him without hurting his feelings? I love him dearly. And how do I avoid all the tempting food that he's having?
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Replies
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Lead by example. As far as the food he's buying, you're going to have to be the bigger person and either abstain, or put your foot down about him flaunting it in your face. Tell him you would appreciate it if he would show you respect by NOT asking you if you want some.0
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You just don't eat it. His food is his, your food is yours. It gets easier after a few weeks. He needs to stop offering it to you, which anyone who was close to decent would do after the first time you asked them to stop doing it for good.
You can tell him you love him and don't want to be left alone when he dies, but he's a big boy and has to make his own decisions. You cannot change him and if you push hard enough, he will resent it.
If it's something you can't live with, figure it out before you get married!!0 -
Weight loss doesn't need to be met with a diet, but simply with caloric deficit.
So you can eat those fatty foods. You can eat whatever you want, it's just about moderation of the calorically dense foods so that you aren't starving all day due to low volume consumption. Your fiance can eat as he pleases as well, along with caloric restriction.
So tell him that: losing weight is about eating what you love, but less of it. Help him calculate his TDEE from websites like scoobysworkshop or health-calc.com. Or you can use this website to get an idea of how eating a specific deficit could potentially lead to weight loss in a certain amount of time (estimating a safe loss of 4lbs a month, go from there):
http://www.niddk.nih.gov/research-funding/at-niddk/labs-branches/LBM/integrative-physiology-section/body-weight-simulator/Pages/body-weight-simulator.aspx
20% deficit is just fine, and will help both of you transition into dieting without succumbing to any issues like excess hunger, moodiness, metabolic damage, etc. Have a night once a week or every other week where you guys eat at your estimated maintenance calories, make it your night out or something.
ETA: him buying you treats or offering a bite isn't sabotaging you. you can say "no thanks" when he offers and pre-logging your sweets when you crave them so you can fit the rest of your day around it.
Also ETA again, you said "restarting diet/exercise." So I assume you stopped eating how you were and exercising how you were when you were working to lose weight? If you cease activity then your maintenance needs will be lower, so you need to recalculate (unless you were using MFP's net method and eating back exercise calories). Stick to a healthy deficit and monitor your progress and you shouldn't regain the weight.0 -
No one can sabotage your diet but you. I would ask if he cares to join me and respect his answer. Just because you are ready doesn't mean he is ready. Yes, it is nice to do it together but sometimes our significant other is not ready at the same time as us. I agree that you should lead by example. You loss before by moderation and self-control so do the same again. You could buy your own supply of foods and eat those when he breaks out his stash or save calories to eat smaller amounts of his foods when he offers those to you.0
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I agree, lead by example. You can't control him but you can control you. Cook what you are going to eat, if he doesn't want to eat it thats his problem. As for his providing temptations in your life, well thats just life, if he isn't the one putting them there then someone else will and you just have to learn to deal and say no. If you are successful maybe he will follow and get on track himself.0
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You just don't eat it. His food is his, your food is yours. It gets easier after a few weeks. He needs to stop offering it to you, which anyone who was close to decent would do after the first time you asked them to stop doing it for good.
You can tell him you love him and don't want to be left alone when he dies, but he's a big boy and has to make his own decisions. You cannot change him and if you push hard enough, he will resent it.
If it's something you can't live with, figure it out before you get married!!
I think he keeps offering food because I've caved a few times and he always tells me: 'You can eat pretty much what you want as long as we exercise'
He is aware of the risks as he said recently: 'I'm going to die first, that's just what's going to happen' 0 -
My boyfriend has lost almost ten pounds in the last few months.
He's so inspirational too me.
I'm so proud of him and I follow his lead.
Lead by example.0 -
Unless he's tying you down and force feeding you, he's not sabotaging anything - you are.0
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I should have made it clearer, I gained the weight back (I was almost at ideal weight!) When I started dating him. I'm not blaming him, it was my responsibility to stick to my diet. But a girl can only refuse so many truffles and bon bons...lol. I honestly wish he'd stop buying me candy. I do best when there's no treats around.0
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Hey all! So, I have just restarted my dieting/light exercise routine again after succeeding (I lost 25 pounds) and then gaining it all back
Here's the issue: My fiance is overweight, probably by around 70-100 pounds, and he hates veggies.
Stop right there.
According to what you just posted, you yourself failed. So you're not in a position to be talking about anyone elses weight issues or eating habits.
Fix your issues first, before bringing other people's issues into the discussion.0 -
So tell him to stop buying you candy, and explain to him that you can only burn so many calories with exercise.0
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Er, I know. But I want to help him. I'm overweight, he's obese. I want him to make it to his 90's. This man may be a dad one day!!! I want to encourage him, which I try to do. I just know that he's going to beg to eat out (he has before) and it makes it hard. Sigh. 0
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Have you told him not to buy you candy?0
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In the end you're the only person that can make choices for you.
My boyfriend is a candy hound. I love candy and sometimes I want to snatch it all out of his hands and cram it in my mouth. Usually I can control myself though and let him enjoy his candy without joining him in the yumminess.
Again, you do you.0 -
You just don't eat it. His food is his, your food is yours. It gets easier after a few weeks. He needs to stop offering it to you, which anyone who was close to decent would do after the first time you asked them to stop doing it for good.
You can tell him you love him and don't want to be left alone when he dies, but he's a big boy and has to make his own decisions. You cannot change him and if you push hard enough, he will resent it.
If it's something you can't live with, figure it out before you get married!!
I think he keeps offering food because I've caved a few times and he always tells me: 'You can eat pretty much what you want as long as we exercise'
He is aware of the risks as he said recently: 'I'm going to die first, that's just what's going to happen'
Well he is half right: you can eat pretty much what you want as long as you're in a caloric deficit. Exercise is not to lose weight, it's a fitness tool. It just happens to help you raise your energy needs, which in turn means you can eat more food without gaining weight. So if I'm sedentary every day, then to maintain I'd eat maybe 2200 cals. But since I exercise, I can eat ~2500 to maintain. So when in a deficit, it's obviously much easier to maintain a deficit if I'm exercising becuase I get to eat more food.
But as the saying goes, you can't outrun a bad diet. So in this case, you can't outrun caloric surpluses.0 -
Er, I know. But I want to help him. I'm overweight, he's obese.
You can help him by setting an example. All you've done so far - by regaining the weight - is show him that it's pointless to try.
The rest is just nagging.
Fix yourself first.0 -
Er, I know. But I want to help him. I'm overweight, he's obese. I want him to make it to his 90's. This man may be a dad one day!!! I want to encourage him, which I try to do. I just know that he's going to beg to eat out (he has before) and it makes it hard. Sigh.
Here's how this conversation should play out then:
Him: Hey babe, you want to go out to eat?
You: What were you thinking?
Him: Well, I was thinking maybe we go to [insert popular chain restaurant] or something, that sound good?
You: Sure, let's look online and see if they have some nutrition info so we can see what will fit into our calories/macros for the day!
and if you guys didn't plan to go out early enough and you don't have enough cals, then
You: Well looks like we don't have the room to eat out tonight... want to make it a maintenance night, or do you want to just go out to eat tomorrow night?0 -
At first my fiance was very resistant to the change. He would complain about "eating health food" and being starving. (I have a rule that what I cook is what you eat. If you don't like it cook something else for yourself- which NEVER happens) But after some time (only a month or so) he noticed that he was actually starting to loose some weight as well. It's really as simple as if it's not there you can eat it. I know he cheats during the day and will have junk food with the guys, but it's not affecting me personally. Today he went to the doctor for a physical and was down to 269 from 305.0
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You need to be responsible for YOURSELF. And he needs to be responsible for himself. I agree with leading by example, but don't be upset if he fails to follow. You CANNOT force someone else to change.
If he wants to eat out and you know you can't do it, tell him NO. You have a choice, use it!0 -
Talk about the pot calling the kettle fat0
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you can't force someone to lose weight. If he wants to be will. The only thing you can control is yourself and what you eat. I've learned a wee trick when someone offers you something you'd rather not have I say 'No Thankyou'. It's quite useful Phrase. Maybe try it rather than blaming him.Er, I know. But I want to help him. I'm overweight, he's obese. I want him to make it to his 90's. This man may be a dad one day!!! I want to encourage him, which I try to do. I just know that he's going to beg to eat out (he has before) and it makes it hard. Sigh.0 -
Only you can sabotage your diet. You might thank him for testing your willpower and proving to yourself how strong you are.
The whole "You need to lose weight" conversation is a tough one. I'd like to have it with my husband, too, but I honestly think that there's little I can do to sway him to start so I haven't tried yet. He's got maybe 40 or 50 pounds to lose and diabetes and heart disease run in his family. I know my husband isn't ready because he tries to convince ME that I don't need to lose weight, that he loves me like I am, blah blah blah. He's in denial about his own situation and trying to keep himself from feeling guilty that he's not doing anything by getting me to stop. I've told him I'm doing this for me, not for him. At least he doesn't bring home treats, though. I think he's learned that I just won't eat them.
The decision to lose weight is a very personal one and it's one that no one else can make for us. You can nag and harp and criticize but until he makes that choice for himself he's probably going to resent your intrusion into the subject. Only you know him well enough to know the best way to approach the subject. We can give you advice but we're only giving personal experience that may not be valid for your situation. I hope you read one you think will help.0 -
You just don't eat it. His food is his, your food is yours. It gets easier after a few weeks. He needs to stop offering it to you, which anyone who was close to decent would do after the first time you asked them to stop doing it for good.
You can tell him you love him and don't want to be left alone when he dies, but he's a big boy and has to make his own decisions. You cannot change him and if you push hard enough, he will resent it.
If it's something you can't live with, figure it out before you get married!!
I think he keeps offering food because I've caved a few times and he always tells me: 'You can eat pretty much what you want as long as we exercise'
He is aware of the risks as he said recently: 'I'm going to die first, that's just what's going to happen'
Well he is half right: you can eat pretty much what you want as long as you're in a caloric deficit. Exercise is not to lose weight, it's a fitness tool. It just happens to help you raise your energy needs, which in turn means you can eat more food without gaining weight. So if I'm sedentary every day, then to maintain I'd eat maybe 2200 cals. But since I exercise, I can eat ~2500 to maintain. So when in a deficit, it's obviously much easier to maintain a deficit if I'm exercising becuase I get to eat more food.
But as the saying goes, you can't outrun a bad diet. So in this case, you can't outrun caloric surpluses.
'You can't outrun a bad diet' That quote is perfect!!! I keep pushing veggies on him. But his of idea of nutrition is an egg and bacon on top of a burger.0 -
I also have a similar issue at times... except my husband is very lean and in shape, but he does not eat very healthy and does not eat veggies. I sometimes find if hard to eat healthy and control my portions when my husband is a very picky eater and loves to eat large portions. He is a great motivator to me though and he keeps me moving, which I am grateful for. I'm new at this whole thing too so I'm sorry that I can't offer helpful advice, but just wanted you to know that other people also struggle! Keep your head up!0
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You mean you sabotage yourself. I am sure he isn't tying you up and forcing them down your throat! LOL.:bigsmile:0
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"Please stop buying me truffles and candy. I appreciate that you want to do nice things for me, but I am working hard to lose these 25 pounds."
Continues to buy ---- throw them away.
Stops buying -- problem solved.
"I am not sure I am ready to eat at a Chinese restaurant. I am trying to control my calories so I can lose these 25 pounds. Could we make Chinese at home together?"
Begs to eat out -- He can go alone. Or, you can go and order something healthier from the menu than an all you can eat buffet.
"I care about you. I want you to be healthy. If there is anything I can do to help you achieve that, please tell me."
He chooses to do nothing -- You do you.
He asks for help -- you offer what you know to have worked for you, or you support what he has chosen for him (provided it is a healthy course of action...)
Done. You need to do you. Nagging him to do things YOU think are best for him is going to do nothing but end your relationship.
And, sabotage would be him intentionally cooking your "healthy" meal in lard and not telling you the difference. Or, putting sugar in your unsweetened ice tea. Sabotage is not doing something nice for you that you choose not to refuse. You are sabotaging yourself.
Pointing out that you put on the 25 pounds since you met him is placing the blame on your relationship, or even your partner, not taking responsibility for becoming less diligent because you were preoccupied with a new relationship. It happens. Take responsibility and get back at it.0 -
Why do I get the feeling this was supposed to be one of those threads the OP was going to show her SO so he could see from the responses how right she is....0
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The only person that can "sabotage" your weight loss is you. Someone offering you or buying you food doesn't mean they're sabotaging you. Only you can decide to put that food in your mouth. There's nothing wrong with offering someone food and there's also nothing wrong with bon-bons or Chinese food, if they fit into your daily calorie goal. Get it out of your head that there are good foods and bad foods. Food is just food.
You can't make him lose weight. He's an adult and he has to make that decision himself. He knows he's overweight, so he doesn't need you to tell him that. You can tell him that you're concerned about his weight and that your children might pick up his bad habits. You are just starting this new way of eating, so don't be a hypocrite and lecture him. In the end, it's up to him. You eat what you want to eat and let him eat what he wants to eat. Just because you decided to take off the weight doesn't mean he should be pressured to do so.0 -
'You can't outrun a bad diet' That quote is perfect!!! I keep pushing veggies on him. But his of idead of nutrition is an egg and bacon on top of a burger.
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Doesn't eat veggies. Still losing weight. And, an egg and bacon on a burger is a fabulous choice in my book! Protien and delicious.0 -
I can promise you that your husband's metabolism will catch up with him in the end. My husband's sure did. When we started dating he was 145 pounds at 6'3" and could eat anything he wanted and drink a 6 pack of Coca Cola a day. By the time he was in his mid-30s he'd switched to Diet Coke and being a little more careful of what he was eating but still eating quite a bit. Fast forward to 50 and he has 40 to 50 pounds to lose and will still eat a 3 serving bowl of ice cream with a 1/4 cup of peanut butter on top after dinner. He could probably lose much of the weight he needs to lose simply by cutting that down to a reasonable serving size.I also have a similar issue at times... except my husband is very lean and in shape, but he does not eat very healthy and does not eat veggies. I sometimes find if hard to eat healthy and control my portions when my husband is a very picky eater and loves to eat large portions. He is a great motivator to me though and he keeps me moving, which I am grateful for. I'm new at this whole thing too so I'm sorry that I can't offer helpful advise, but just wanted you to know that other people also struggle! Keep your head up!0
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