Significant Other's and Dieting

Only you can sabotage your diet. You might thank him for testing your willpower and proving to yourself how strong you are.

The whole "You need to lose weight" conversation is a tough one. I'd like to have it with my husband, too, but I honestly think that there's little I can do to sway him to start so I haven't tried yet. He's got maybe 40 or 50 pounds to lose and diabetes and heart disease run in his family. I know my husband isn't ready because he tries to convince ME that I don't need to lose weight, that he loves me like I am, blah blah blah. He's in denial about his own situation and trying to keep himself from feeling guilty that he's not doing anything by getting me to stop. I've told him I'm doing this for me, not for him. At least he doesn't bring home treats, though. I think he's learned that I just won't eat them.

The decision to lose weight is a very personal one and it's one that no one else can make for us. You can nag and harp and criticize but until he makes that choice for himself he's probably going to resent your intrusion into the subject. Only you know him well enough to know the best way to approach the subject. We can give you advice but we're only giving personal experience that may not be valid for your situation. I hope you read one you think will help.

I also have a similar issue at times... except my husband is very lean and in shape, but he does not eat very healthy and does not eat veggies. I sometimes find if hard to eat healthy and control my portions when my husband is a very picky eater and loves to eat large portions. He is a great motivator to me though and he keeps me moving, which I am grateful for. I'm new at this whole thing too so I'm sorry that I can't offer helpful advice, but just wanted you to know that other people also struggle! Keep your head up!

"Please stop buying me truffles and candy. I appreciate that you want to do nice things for me, but I am working hard to lose these 25 pounds."

Continues to buy ---- throw them away.
Stops buying -- problem solved.

"I am not sure I am ready to eat at a Chinese restaurant. I am trying to control my calories so I can lose these 25 pounds. Could we make Chinese at home together?"

Begs to eat out -- He can go alone. Or, you can go and order something healthier from the menu than an all you can eat buffet.

"I care about you. I want you to be healthy. If there is anything I can do to help you achieve that, please tell me."

He chooses to do nothing -- You do you.
He asks for help -- you offer what you know to have worked for you, or you support what he has chosen for him (provided it is a healthy course of action...)

Done. You need to do you. Nagging him to do things YOU think are best for him is going to do nothing but end your relationship.

And, sabotage would be him intentionally cooking your "healthy" meal in lard and not telling you the difference. Or, putting sugar in your unsweetened ice tea. Sabotage is not doing something nice for you that you choose not to refuse. You are sabotaging yourself.

Pointing out that you put on the 25 pounds since you met him is placing the blame on your relationship, or even your partner, not taking responsibility for becoming less diligent because you were preoccupied with a new relationship. It happens. Take responsibility and get back at it.

The only person that can "sabotage" your weight loss is you. Someone offering you or buying you food doesn't mean they're sabotaging you. Only you can decide to put that food in your mouth. There's nothing wrong with offering someone food and there's also nothing wrong with bon-bons or Chinese food, if they fit into your daily calorie goal. Get it out of your head that there are good foods and bad foods. Food is just food.

You can't make him lose weight. He's an adult and he has to make that decision himself. He knows he's overweight, so he doesn't need you to tell him that. You can tell him that you're concerned about his weight and that your children might pick up his bad habits. You are just starting this new way of eating, so don't be a hypocrite and lecture him. In the end, it's up to him. You eat what you want to eat and let him eat what he wants to eat. Just because you decided to take off the weight doesn't mean he should be pressured to do so.

I also have a similar issue at times... except my husband is very lean and in shape, but he does not eat very healthy and does not eat veggies. I sometimes find if hard to eat healthy and control my portions when my husband is a very picky eater and loves to eat large portions. He is a great motivator to me though and he keeps me moving, which I am grateful for. I'm new at this whole thing too so I'm sorry that I can't offer helpful advise, but just wanted you to know that other people also struggle! Keep your head up!

I can promise you that your husband's metabolism will catch up with him in the end. My husband's sure did. When we started dating he was 145 pounds at 6'3" and could eat anything he wanted and drink a 6 pack of Coca Cola a day. By the time he was in his mid-30s he'd switched to Diet Coke and being a little more careful of what he was eating but still eating quite a bit. Fast forward to 50 and he has 40 to 50 pounds to lose and will still eat a 3 serving bowl of ice cream with a 1/4 cup of peanut butter on top after dinner. He could probably lose much of the weight he needs to lose simply by cutting that down to a reasonable serving size.

1. Tell him outright not to buy you food. If he does, throw it in the garbage in front of him, until he gets the point. It seems mean, but you cannot let his (probably unconscious) issues about feeling insecure in front of you. If you eat what he brings you, he will keep doing it. My husband and I both understand that we do NOT buy each other sugary food. Offer him specific, alternative ways to show love. Personally, I love getting flowers

2. Understand that he is insecure. He's afraid you'll leave him once you look great, especially if he doesn't follow in your footsteps. It's true that when one person changes how they look, it changes the whole dynamic of the relationship. Reassure him that you love him no matter what and that your own fitness/diet goals are NOT so you can find a better boyfriend.

3. Don't try to change him. Don't talk to him about his diet or try to make him change what he eats. You can cook healthy meals for both of you, and you can invite him to participate in exercise activities with you. But if you judge him, or criticize him for what he eats or not exercising or whatever, your marriage won't last. "Unconditional love" means just that. I am 17 years married and counting!

Er, I know. But I want to help him. I'm overweight, he's obese.

You can help him by setting an example. All you've done so far - by regaining the weight - is show him that it's pointless to try.

The rest is just nagging.

Fix yourself first.

I agree. I also think this is much like "breaking a wild horse". Stay vigilant, lead by example and most of all be strong. Stick to YOUR guns (not his) and follow YOUR plan. My guess, when he starts to see your weight loss, he will soon follow your lead. This could very well take time but I'm guessing (being a male myself) eventually he will accept the saddle.

To the people saying it's not sabotage. It is. Absolutely.

If my husband was trying to kick a drinking problem, I would be sabotaging him if I bought his favorite beer and put it in the fridge.
If my husband was trying to kick a drug habit, I would be sabotaging him if I bought heroin and gave it to him.

Now, food is different, because it's always around. So it is NOT sabotage if the husband buys himself candy and happens to leave some of it around. But if he buys it FOR her, it is no different than handing crack to a junkie. Consciously or not, he wants her to fail, and he's going to pick away at her resolve until it crumbles.

At the very least, it's not supportive. When my husband went low-carb (and I didn't), I cooked him separate low-carb meals. When my son went pesca-vegetarian (and the rest of the family didn't), I offered him a vegetarian alternative at every meal, taught him how to cook his own, and made sure to stock tofu, fish, and other non-meat protein sources in the house. We ALL do different sports and physical activities, and each of us makes sure the others can get to their times/dates. My husband will rearrange his weekend if I want to go to the gym; I changed my work hours to take care of the kids so he can get to the gym in the mornings.

That's what being supportive of someone's fitness program looks like. Not buying them crappy food that will make it harder to meet their goals.

We all do this in different ways. My husband never once nagged me to lose weight, even as he dropped 40 lbs over 2 years. We both got to the point where we were "ready" on our own.

It has been extremely helpful for him that I'm so careful at preparing meals and logging everything because he had high blood pressure and needs to stick to low sodium diet and get his exercise in. But really we both figured out what we had to do independently and never nagged each other.

The only change has been that I've told him not to serve me anything (it's a gentleman thing). I'll serve myself.

Great story, and good for you. My husband and I also both go back and forth on fitness, but not generally at the same time.