He told me to "lose some weight"
carolinetroester
Posts: 7 Member
Hi there! I am new to this MFP thing and really am enjoying it. At 5'5" I weigh in at 129 lbs. I have struggled with self image/body issues for as long as I can remember. I went from being (a then unexplained) 90 lbs in high school to about 140 lbs in less than 2 months. Once diagnosed with celiac disease I was able to start FEELING better, but unable to lose much of the weight. I have a boyfriend that I love and adore, and that loves me. On a recent vacation, I noticed a change in his "desire" for me... this person who couldn't keep his hands off of me before came off as very disinterested. I asked him about it (nagged, even) and he just paused and said "i dunno. just lose some weight." I have never been more hurt in all of my life. He has later apologized- not necessarily for saying it, but for hurting me. I don't think he said it out of anger, or to hurt me, but I really do think he thinks that. I am having the hardest time shaking it... it absolutely consumes me. I was planning on starting with a PT after our vacation anyway, but it has now lit a flame under me. I'm not doing it for him... but for me. I need to find any self confidence that I possibly can. Without completely bashing my boyfriend, what advice can yall give as far as helping me find some confidence? I feel completely alone and embarrassed. What has worked for you?
(background: I have a goal weight of about 120... it's more off of how I look. I am without very much muscle tone and am looking to "tone up"- especially in my mid-section where I carry most of my weight)
(background: I have a goal weight of about 120... it's more off of how I look. I am without very much muscle tone and am looking to "tone up"- especially in my mid-section where I carry most of my weight)
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Replies
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I hate to say this, but it sounds like he may be "in lust" not "in love" with you...
I wrote this this morning, and although it may come off as harsh, you deserve better: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/161579-ladies
I hope you at least told him how much that hurt you and made it clear that it's not acceptable for him to be mean to you about your weight gain.0 -
If the desire to change is SOLELY for you, that's awesome! If HE really said that and meant it he's got some growing up to do. And he needs to be bashed...0
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Im 5foot4, 135 pounds. My goal is 120. But I dont care if Im 135 if Im healthy, tone, in shape, strong, etc. Sorry about the boyfriend.
You look very tiny to me in your pic! 0 -
That was just rude how ever you put it. I am sorry, is he FIT AND WONDERFUL. Maybe he could start working out with you or helping you eat better if this is how he feels. Self confidence will come when you start feeling better about yourself, be it working out, eating better, or just watching yourself tone and look how you want. But it takes work. I hope that you can reach your goal weight fast, and I hope he helps you do it. Thats just crazy personally. I would be so sad and down. But just work hard and do it for you! Not any one else. YOU CAN DO IT!!!0
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Sorry sweetie but that was rude!:grumble: :noway:
Working out will help with your self confidence for sure but please do it for yourself! YOU are worth it!0 -
I honestly believe that person who is in love with you will love you at 120 pounds or 300 pounds. If you are losing this weight, you should do it for yourself. I am not trying to sound harsh, but if my boyfriend said that to me, I really would not even want to be with him. You had a disease and you gained some weight; that's not your fault!0
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This is just a side note, but there is a group of us on here with Celiac's and gluten-intolerance, if you're interested:
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/114512-gluten-free-girls-and-guys?page=12#posts-21472650 -
your bmi is 21.5 smack bang in the middle of the healthy weight range. You do not need to lose weight but you may need to tone up. work on reducing your body fat percentage and generally toning up.
I wont give advice on the boyfriend, MFP stars out swear words and there would be a few! Hopefully if you tone up and feel better about yourself you will see him for what he is0 -
LMAO! Ditto!I wont give advice on the boyfriend, MFP stars out swear words and there would be a few! Hopefully if you tone up and feel better about yourself you will see him for what he is0 -
5'5" and 129 is absolutely FINE! And you look awesome in your pic! I hate to say it but I agree with a previous posting. If he really loves you, especially with you looking great the way you are, he should still want you! Maybe it's him that has the problem.0
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I think you won't be able to help yourself in doing it for him...especially since you're still with the prick. My fiance told me I was getting "fluffy" since we met, but that doesn't make him love me any less. But then again, if you're really young, I can see the whole "nesting" and "spreading the seed" thing. You haven't proven your motherly skills to him, so maybe you are just a bang. Immaturity causes someone to say something that stupid. As for doing it for yourself, good idea. You're still pretty tiny, but the fact that you want to get healthy for yourself is something you have to keep in mind every day. Write it on a sticky note and tape it to your mirror, it's something you're going to have to tell yourself constantly to remind yourself why you're busting your *kitten* at the gym, or eating salad when everyone else is pigging out. Don't let your guilt and his disgusting take on a woman's body affect you emotionally. Psychological damage can cause you more trouble than it's worth. I suggested getting into kickboxing, or martial arts...that way you have a hobby, some competition, and you're working out...it will keep your mind off your douche boyfriend, and will give you self confidence that you're lacking. These are easy ways to boost your esteem, you get encouraged by taking someone down, or winning a battle. When you're on the treadmill you don't really have the encouragement you need, and it's not coming from within right now. and one more thing, go shopping, get your hair done, put some lipstick on...if you look good you feel good...0
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If your profile pic is a current one... you look hot
... tell your BF to go for a long walk off a short pier :laugh: cause your a stunna! =]
Then go find yourself a real man... one who loves you for you!!! =] :flowerforyou:
Thats my 2c.... oh and Bash BASH bash!!!! :drinker:0 -
I think you are a very pretty girl! I don't want to bash your boyfriend but I hope he understands how much he hurt you and will learn from his mistake. I have always been a bigger girl so your 140 sounds great to me. But I also understand if your not happy you should do something about it. I love to play wii with my step son and I burn alot of calories doing it. Maybe you and your boyfriend can spend some quality time doing active things!
Best of Luck!0 -
That super sucks... when i was at my thinnest my ex told my Best friend (who weighs 90 lbs) that i looked fat in my lingerie... and he did it not to be mean but just because MEN ARE DUMB LOL. He totally thought i was hot and everything else but he was just dumb.
I say dont worry about what he thinks do what you need to do to feel great and the confidence you show will make you more attractive. Maybe it is your lack of confidence that he is not atracted too but he doesnt know it.
I think you look beautiful in your picture and i am sure he loves you and is just being a BOY... thats what they do they say dumb things
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we all fall victims to judgement now and then....judgements from ourselves and from others. You are not one thing. You are not your weight. You are not your tummy. I don't know anything about you so I am going to use general terms here.....
You are not selfish....though sometimes you may behave selfishly.
You are not kind.....though sometimes you may behave kindly.
When you behave well you are not "good". When you behave poorly you are not "bad".
You are you....beautifully and wonderfully made with all of your faults and all of your virtures. Self confidence comes from accepting who you are in ever moment and knowing you are dynamic, not static, always changing and growing and never perfect.
If your self confidence is tied to a single thing....your weight, your behavior...then you will have very high highs and very low lows. If your self confidence is based on knowing who you and accepting that, while growing, you will stay more balanced.
When you hear judgement from yourself or someone else, remind yourself that judgements are not truth...they are opinions based on very limited views.
Good luck.0 -
I don't intend this to be harsh. Read it with a tone of compassion, not judgment.
I think you may want to see a counselor about your self-image, quite honestly. You're saying that you need tools to find self-confidence -- quite frankly, you look incredible (from your profile pic) and I think you have a distorted view of how your body really looks. I do think that exercise could only help, because a toned body feels and looks better, but 129 is not fat for your height. At all.0 -
Even when I was at my thinnest and at a very healthy weight and looked good to everyone around me, I still felt fat and ugly. I know what it's like to feel fat when you're not. You are not fat. You are very pretty and slim, and anyone who thinks you need to lose weight is probably into the anorexic look, which is not healthy at all.
I've gained almost 20 pounds since I started dating my boyfriend. He supports my desire to lose weight, but his desire for me has not changed at all and he's made it clear that I don't need to lose weight for him. Any guy who treats you differently does not really love you and isn't worth your time. I know it's hard to accept that because you want to be with him, but trust me, if you hold out for someone who treats you right your life will be SO much better than it would be with someone who doesn't appreciate and respect you.0 -
I don't intend this to be harsh. Read it with a tone of compassion, not judgment.
I think you may want to see a counselor about your self-image, quite honestly. You're saying that you need tools to find self-confidence -- quite frankly, you look incredible (from your profile pic) and I think you have a distorted view of how your body really looks. I do think that exercise could only help, because a toned body feels and looks better, but 129 is not fat for your height. At all.
Body dysmorphic disorder...lots of people with anorexia have it...I have it and I'm quite chubby...but I never thought I was obese...I don't really know what my body looks like...good post!0 -
He sounds like a jerk. But it is concerning that, even though you say you are doing it for you, I fear you are reacting to him. Don't let him make you starve yourself. I would be more inclined to embark on an exercise program to tone up rather than worring about losing a relatively small amount of weight.
Eat well, exercise and pretty soon you can dump him and find someone that really cares about you as a person, not a body image.0 -
I know how you can lose some serious weight REAL fast - ditch the guy! Seriously. There are SO many men in this world who would be ABSOLUTELY HONORED to be with you and TURNED ON no matter how much you weigh. And, seriously, your curent height and weight is not "fat."0
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Listen Sweetpea you dont need to lose a single pound. You are in a healthy weight range.
As for the BF..... If it has something to do with the weight gain... idk... he has a problem0 -
Body dysmorphic disorder...lots of people with anorexia have it...I have it and I'm quite chubby...but I never thought I was obese...I don't really know what my body looks like...good post!
THIS! I didn't really understand that something was wrong with me for the longest time. Finding out that there was actually a disorder that described what I was going through helped put things into perspective. Now even though I still struggle with it, I know that it's not healthy and needs to change.0 -
Wow, trust me, I do not want to "bash" your boyfriend but it sounds like he needs a wake-up call. :noway: From your picture, you look amazing. Really. You are young and beautiful and should have all of the confidence in the world. Walk tall and proud because at your height, 129 is a great weight. If you would like to exercise and tone up a bit- go for it for it but know that you are beautiful enough just the way you are. :flowerforyou:0
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I don't think you need to lose weight. You look just fine the way you are.0
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I think you won't be able to help yourself in doing it for him...especially since you're still with the prick. My fiance told me I was getting "fluffy" since we met, but that doesn't make him love me any less. But then again, if you're really young, I can see the whole "nesting" and "spreading the seed" thing. You haven't proven your motherly skills to him, so maybe you are just a bang. Immaturity causes someone to say something that stupid.
wait - what?? WTF has that got to do with anything? It sounds like you're projecting whatever is going on in your relationship onto hers . Why would you say something in a post about confidence along the lines of "so maybe you are just a bang". How offensive.
Not everyone wants to be a mother. Not everyone wants to get married. While I agree with the rest of your comment in general, I feel like I just read advice from the 1950s.
ETA: OP, you are gorgeous. I agree with many of the comments made in this post.0 -
I agree with most other posters. You're pic is very nice and you look very healthy. I'd be asking myself what is wrong with him that he felt the need to tell you this! Either he has problems or he's not in love.0
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Hi sweetie. You look great. As far as the bf - my philosophy is always to not make a dramatic thing out of this, in this way. It's obvious that what he said to you hurt you to the BONE, as it would to most anyone. And with him being distant - you know what? You be distant too. Stay on this site, post away, you don't have to lose a pound unless YOU want to. If you want to be 120, fine.
Just find "Other Things To Do" than to hang out with this guy - my thought is, I want to say "other than this schlub" but I won't. Just distance. Get busy, either on line, going to classes, finding exercise programs - hey it's almost spring take a tennis class, take a ballet class, get your mind very active and just distance, you don't have to dump him immediately but if you're feeling the BIG CHILL then you also need to get yourself active in other pursuits. I don't think this thing with him last forever, but, I'll never say never and just get yourself some distance and him for now........0 -
I wont give advice on the boyfriend, MFP stars out swear words and there would be a few! Hopefully if you tone up and feel better about yourself you will see him for what he is
Or better, hit the gym, start working with some weights (while *maintaining* your weight -- you look *great* and are at a completely healthy, ideal weight), and kick his sorry, self-involved *kitten* (I hope the British spelling passes through) from where you are to the end of the country.
This is no joke. You're not responsible for his desire, and it's not your job to obsess about how to be more desirable for your partner.0 -
Honey, I'm also 5 ft 5 and my goal weight is higher than your starting weight! You look lovely. If you want to tone up for YOU then that's great, but don't do it just because you feel pressured by a guy. I agree with the other posters who say you might have an issue with your body image. I know I certainly have been through the same thing. I used to be 118 pounds (about 8 years ago) but at the time I still thought I was huge and needed to lose weight. Illness and medication caused my weight gain and now when I look back at photos of myself I can see how tiny I was - that's not what I saw in the mirror back then.0
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Your post brings back so many memories. My late husband handed me an ultimatum that he wouldn't marry me unless I lost weight. I did, and I looked good. You know what happened next? He was intimidated by my new-found confidence, energy and attractiveness and used that as an excuse, that I had changed, to threten to break up with me. I truly wish I had walked away at that point, but my low self image wouldn't let me do that. The rest of my marriage went pretty much the same way...he was a controller.
Work on getting yourself healthy, but keep a watch on that guy. If he already feels there's something better out there, that feeling won't go away with your weight loss. Getting healthy will give you more self confidence, HANG ONTO IT, listen to your gut instincts about the relationship and act on those! There could be issues at play that are on his end that have nothing to do with your illness, looks or weight.0
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