I faced death this week

I was just released from the hospital yesterday after having an emergency heart catheterization at age 43. I had to say goodbye to my 2 small sobbing children this week (thinking I might possibly never see them again.) While waiting for surgery, I only had time to write down a few brief notes to my little boy and girl and husband about the things I wanted them to know in case I did not make it. I wept over tear-stained pages for my children who would have no mother, and my husband who would have no wife. I wept over all the things I had wanted to accomplish in my life and all the things I had wanted to share with my kids. I was heartbroken that I had failed my children. They needed a mother to protect them, care for them and love them and I had failed them. My anguish was beyond anything I have ever experienced. I prayed for their futures and for my own peace of mind as the hours ticked away before my surgery. Finding a well of stillness and peace within my grief, I went into the operating room calm and resigned to whatever happened.

I have no words for the relief and resolve I am experiencing now that I survived the procedure and live to tell of my experience. I know that I now have absolutely no choice but to fight for my life every single day of the time that remains. This is my one wild and precious life and it is worth fighting for.

There were literally hundreds of heart patients lined up at the hospital, and thousands more scheduled on into the future waiting for surgery to save their lives. The feeling of resignation and stubborn disregard hung in the air over the cardiac unit like a dense fog. Perhaps because every patient I saw was old enough to be my parent or grandparent, I just got so incredibly angry at myself for having ended up in that situation. Each new doctor, technician or aide who came to treat me seemed shocked to see me there. In the cardiac cath lab, they literally said, "What are YOU doing here?" I had a lot of explaining to do, mainly to myself. The fact that the surgeon said I was a victim of my heredity did little to assuage my anguish. How had I let things get so out of control? When had I given up on myself and stopped trying?

I am on a journey now. A lifelong journey, not of dieting and counting calories, but of making moment-to-moment choices that will directly affect the quality and QUANTITY of the rest of my life. The heart condition that put me in the emergency room this week can be controlled by medication and will not require surgery only IF I do my part in saving my own life. I am the active catalyst here, not medical intervention. It is my life to save, my heart to heal. I am taking matters into my strong and capable hands. I have been through some major trials in my life and come out of them stronger, and I will master this too. I must.

Consider the alternative to not trying... There is nothing like facing death to make you value your life.



My advice to anyone struggling to get healthy-
Do not give up. Fight for your life. Every effort you contribute is worth it. Keep going. Keep moving forward. Fall ten times, stand up eleven. Moment to moment choices are what determine your fate. Keep trying. It WILL work and you WILL succeed. Please give yourself another chance. It's never too late.

I have at least 100 pounds still to lose, but I cannot give up. I have too much to live for and so do you.

I would very much like to have your help and encouragement on this journey of mine if you will be a positive source of energy and support.

Thank you so much- Linda