He told me to "lose some weight"

I'm sorry, but I disagree with you. Why make excuses for the guy? After reading this post, I was thinking about, what if I gained 40 pounds in two months because of something I could not control? If my boyfriend just stopped having sex with me I would assume the only reason he fell for me in the first place was my body. What if I had some other condition that seriously affected my physical image? Would that be ok for my boyfriend to say something like that to me. NO. In a relationship, there just has to be more. You should be attracted to somebody beyond what they look like. Yeah, I mean, when you first meet somebody physical image is involved, but shouldn't that transform over time? She weighed under one hundred pounds at 5'5"? Isn't that below the normal BMI for that height? Looking at her pictures, she is very pretty, and clearly this guy is just an *kitten*. However, I do agree that couples can work out together and it is great. My boyfriend and I run together and it is really fun!

The only reason this situation is unique is because of the perception that it was something that OP "couldn't control". But some of the comments are just... kind of naive and ridiculous. I would even say "love" and "physical attraction", while not necessarily mutually exclusive, certainly CAN be.

The idea that if you love someone you MUST be PHYSICALLY attracted to them no matter what, be it weight gain or horrible pirate disfigurement is the stuff of romance novels and has no bearing in reality. If you think about it, and I mean really think about it, you'll know that's the case. You ladies that love your husbands/boyfriends: I'm sure you'll still love them if they gained 50 lbs or 100 lbs or 150 lbs. You fall in love, after all, with the total package. But it makes mockery of us all for you to suggest that you would still be AS attracted to them... the definition, in fact, of "physical attraction" belies that.

Unbelievable, you definitely deserve better. If I was with you I would be telling you to stay as you are.

And what does that accomplish? Her boyfriend thinks she needs to lose weight. Whether he's correct or not that's his opinion... and frankly, there's no easy or hurtless way to broach that topic. The consequence of that however is that millions (and I'm tossing out numbers here) of relationships end up going down the road I just described above: the physical attraction disappears as couples "settle" into themselves, let themselves go after marriage, etc., and then wonder what happened... and mostly because people are embarrassed or ashamed or afraid to admit that part of what makes a relationship work IS the physical attraction.

Maybe what you need to lose is that dead-weight "friend"!

No offense but love should know no bounds.... I weigh 230 lbs at a height of 4'11" my husband is a twig and very good looking and loves me no matter what weight I am. He was very superficial before he met me but apparently I changed him. That's my whole point sweetie you look WONDERFUL and i'm sure there are 100's of thousands of men who would leap at the chance to be with a beautiful girl such as yourself. Your boy is too superficial and personally I would get rid of him. You are at a healthy weight and BMI and you look great SO don't let him bring you down!!! You're beautiful!

Off topic side-bar, OMG you look like Snookie! (your second profile pic is spot on, lol!)

To the op, at your weight you need to tone and build muscle rather than loose mass. If you are 5'5 and 129 you don't have more than 5 or so lbs to lose so work on cardio + weight training.

Ps: sorry about the loser BF.

Teemo. Your question to me is quite ridiculous. I am merely saying that if my other half looked pretty much the same (she does) as the original poster then she's looks fine as she is. She looks slim, healthy and if her boyfriend favours a different size lady she has to decide if he is worth it or she needs to find some one better.

My opinion.

hmm, I started dating my extremely sexy boyfriend when i weighed 180, next thing i know it, i weigh 230....
NEVER has he EVER said anything along the lines of weight gain, exept maybe that he loves how big my boobs got. lol
I don't know what i would do if he told me i needed to lose some weight, probably crawl under a rock.. : ( but just so you know..

i'd kill someone close to me to look like you. lol.

Have fun getting toned. FOR YOU : )

i do think you should think about your relationship a little.... Because if things are different, and not in a good way.. Something should be done.

All who reply: Don't say sorry. You're not sorry, it sounds like you don't believe what you're saying. Own up to it or don't say it.

OP: If he says "lose some weight" he's 1) not really thinking about it, 2) not interested anymore but wanted to have an excuse, or 3) has control issues that he's imposing on you.

If:
1) he's dumb. We all are at times, but that doesn't mean we have to put up with it. Tell him he hurt your feelings and if he doesn't apologize or otherwise make up for it tell him that you're worth more than what the scale says and dump his sorry butt.
2) he's a coward, OR is probably up to something. Confront him - or else you'll be driven crazy by what you don't know
3) Get out. Seriously, that is a one way street to misery - with potential for long term damage.

There is a 4th option. You want to lose the weight for yourself, and he inspired you and will support you. If you think long and hard about it, sometimes it takes months to figure out, and you come to that conclusion then go for it. Be smart and be healthy.

I'm sad that admitting the lack of or loss of physical attraction is apparently a horrendous crime tantamount to infidelity. I'm disappointed that people think being in love means ignoring that loss... and then wondering why (and being hurt when) your significant other is glancing at that fit, young, stewardess or that burly fireman. I'm insulted that you would label the OP's boyfriend an idiot (i.e., "dumb") or a coward for thinking she needs to lose weight.

But I'm not sorry. :bigsmile:

Look: I think OP looks fine based on her displayed picture. But I'm not her boyfriend and I wasn't there when they first met so I have no idea what his expectations are. And when it comes to weight loss/gain that's not health-related it's really an individual call... there's no right or wrong answer. There is a harmful -mindset- however, and that is the mindset that "If I gain weight (or lose weight) and he or she becomes less attracted to me then they must not love me".

- - -

On that note: what IS a good way to bring up to your s/o that you think they need to lose or gain weight? All of you that are calling him an "*kitten*" or worse (lol), please provide an answer. I'd never want to intentionally hurt someone's feelings but what IS a good way to bring it up? The problem to me is that any attempts at being honest in this regard are either (a) ineffectual, in that they beat around the bush and nothing gets accomplished or (b) hurtful, and that's because people refuse to accept what I said above about love =/= physical attraction.

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Last word: We're all here to make positive changes in our lives. Most of us are here for health reasons, some of us are here for competitive sports and athletics and some of us are here simply because we want to look good on the beach this summer. (Or in that European style manthong!) Whatever the reason though, ultimately the motivation for doing so MUST come from yourself. You're the only one who won't let yourself down and while the initial incentive for change may come from outside, the desire to keep on should be from within.

He didn't say "fatty." She asked what the issue was, and he said, "I don't know, lose some weight." Not the gentlest way to put it, but let's not put words in his mouth.

This is the way I see it: I don't think she needs to lose weight. I think someone who's in love is not going to be so flippant about weight gain, especially when that gain has brought the partner UP to a healthy weight. I think he's young and insensitive. Everyone has been that way at some point. But I think the OP needs to figure out for herself whether it's a healthy relationship. Me? I wouldn't want to be with someone who is so flippant about something that personal to me. But that's me.

Well, maybe it is immaturity. You can only hope that he won't always feel that way. The fact that he's not attracted to her for gaining weight (she's still not overweight) when she was underweight to begin with, is concerning. A person can love you and not be attracted to you physically. The fact is we all gain weight and get wrinkled skin. Men can get a beer gut and lose their hair. If you're talking about the long haul, you have to be with someone who will still hold you and make love with you even as your body changes. You don't need someone telling you to get a facelift, or a tummy tuck, or a hair transplant as time changes your looks.

I completely understand Teemo . My wife lost ~75 lbs after we got together because I let her know I was worried about her health and I wanted us to have a nice, long life together. As a result she looks amazing and her confidence has gone through the roof, I'm happy that I was able to be there for her to do it! One of the biggest things I could do for her was support her, help cook meals, etc. However, the most important thing I did was stay honest.

This turned out to be more important than even I knew, because the weight-loss communities she tried did exactly what you're warning about. A lot of the people were simply enabling, coddling, etc. Members of her in-person weight management group would show up simply so they could say "they tried" to go get a sign-off for a gastric bypass. They had no problems about admitting this. Talk about a motivation killer! After a point, I really do believe the excuses for weight and fitness become toxic. I do see a lot of it on these boards and usually just avoid those topics... but it's hard not to get angry at reinforcing negative behaviors or excuses when you or someone you know worked HARD for those results that people are expecting to come easily.

All that said, like you, I think the OP's situation is a bit different. I wish you the best with whatever you choose to do OP, and I won't post anymore derails in this thread . Good luck!

Ps. Temmo - Your profile pic is ripped dude. Way to go!

I predict that you can lose whatever weight you're aiming for, and this BF of yours may be solicitous toward you for sex and affection if he is focused on skinny vs 'fat' being sexy, period and you will STILL be feeling badly about yourself. For several reasons.

You don't even have to have dysmorphia to feel that deep seated insecurity in your looks regarding your BF - you just have, probably, self esteem issues. When I was your age (I'm an 35 now) I weighed 120 lbs and I'm 5' 8". I walked around disliking my appearance. Men hit on me all of the time. Did that prove to my inane self esteem that I was worthy? Absolutely not- I thought I was an imposter and I felt that I wasn't worthy of that attention.
It's all internal. You might feel superficially better once you've lost weight but I sense that there are other issues underneath that need to be tended to for you to actually feel better emotionally.
Just my two cents.

I'm sad that admitting the lack of or loss of physical attraction is apparently a horrendous crime tantamount to infidelity. I'm disappointed that people think being in love means ignoring that loss... and then wondering why (and being hurt when) your significant other is glancing at that fit, young, stewardess or that burly fireman. I'm insulted that you would label the OP's boyfriend an idiot (i.e., "dumb") or a coward for thinking she needs to lose weight.

Loss of attraction is one thing, people in love have it flow and ebb all the time this much is very true, and it is not always coupled with increased attraction to someone else. It seems as though there are a couple of options in this scenario: 1) he's experiencing a genuine loss of attraction due to her weight gain. He just presented it in a really dumb way. Yes I'm sticking with "dumb" because as I said before everybody's dumb at some point or another. He has not been living under a rock for the past decade and does not know the social context of telling a woman to lose weight. 2) he's experiencing a relative loss of attraction and does not know how to deal with it, or realize that it's alright. So the knee-jerk reaction of telling her to lose weight is a weakness of character - frustrating but amendable.

I apologize for your offense, but I was expressing that to boyfriend was being dumb for not exploring beyond the knee-jerk reaction of "I don't find her as attractive", and a coward for not offering himself as an explanation. The blame immediately went to her and her weight - not to any changes in himself or his circumstances. He may not be the problem, but he should not be removed from the table right off the bat. If it's really as "serious" relationship, then all options should be kept open if only for a short time.

There is a harmful -mindset- however, and that is the mindset that "If I gain weight (or lose weight) and he or she becomes less attracted to me then they must not love me".

That is exactly what is presented to us in the original post. This lovely young woman has mentioned that she has had these issues before, and while the boyfriend may not know about them, he still has the social context to have some tact in presenting his concerns.

On that note: what IS a good way to bring up to your s/o that you think they need to lose or gain weight? All of you that are calling him an "*kitten*" or worse (lol), please provide an answer. I'd never want to intentionally hurt someone's feelings but what IS a good way to bring it up? The problem to me is that any attempts at being honest in this regard are either (a) ineffectual, in that they beat around the bush and nothing gets accomplished or (b) hurtful, and that's because people refuse to accept what I said above about love =/= physical attraction.

In the context of romatic relationships? Reasonable and strong support are the best ways. For example: "Sweetie (insert favorite pet name here), i've grown concerned about your health and I would appreciate it if we could talk about it." is a good way to start - it's the truth, clean clear, and without bashing their face in it. Because you want them to be healthy for themselves so you can enjoy their company. Be ready to support them and say so.
Also, don't shift the blame on them when they don't take it well, chances are they already know they have the blame. If you come to someone with the truth, and bring it to them in a neutral, reasonable manner, you will at least know that you have done all you can to help them.

Girl you are skinny and gorgeous. If it will make you feel better then it's whatev but maybe he was just saying that to you because his junk wasn't working. I don't see how he wouldn't want you especially if you two "love" each other so much.

Ditch the douche bag... Anyone that says something like that is a jac koff... If anything he should be encouraging and saying things like he lets go running tonight or lets get a gym membership together and see who can get it shape first.. I guess part of it is he is young and hasnt realized the proper way to approach certain issues, but either way it doesn't excuse his words.. you look fine the way you are, dont let this guy get you down!!

Keep smiling!! And tell him he's lucky to have you no matter what you weigh.

I weigh 228lb and want to lose about 80lb. My partner has told me he loves me now and would love me if I gained 80lb. He doesn't care what I look like on the outside because it's what's inside that counts. He is supporting me because he knows I want to lose the weight for me but if I decided to stop losing weight tomorrow he'd still love me!!

If he really loves you he'll accept you no matter what!!

"On that note: what IS a good way to bring up to your s/o that you think they need to lose or gain weight? All of you that are calling him an "*kitten*" or worse (lol), please provide an answer. I'd never want to intentionally hurt someone's feelings but what IS a good way to bring it up? The problem to me is that any attempts at being honest in this regard are either (a) ineffectual, in that they beat around the bush and nothing gets accomplished or (b) hurtful, and that's because people refuse to accept what I said above about love =/= physical attraction."

I do have to agree with this point. About a year ago my boyfriend told me I needed to lose weight, not because he found me unattractive, but because I was over 200 pounds and obese! When we met 4 years before I was around 150, so I had gained a huge amount of weight quickly, and it had gotten to the stage where something really did need to be done. I'd always tell myself that "this would be the year I'd lose weight" etc etc and then never do anything. BUT, it is totally something that I am doing for myself.

It was the kick up the *kitten* that I needed and I would never have lost the weight if he hadn't have told me. I agree that the way in which the OP's boyfriend told her was crap, but maybe he meant it to be a friendly nudge to tone up, or maybe he does only care about how she looks.

Either way, weight loss or toning up has to be solely for yourself or you'll never do it and won't be happy with yourself anyway.

PS. You're gorgeous - remember that !!!