Thinking of Divorce...Any Advice??

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k8smama
k8smama Posts: 48
in Motivation and Support
I didn't really know where to put this question, I guess support is probably the best place. My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married the last two, and are considering divorce. We both agree that we love each other tremendously, but that we just don't like the other. He spent the last year battling cancer and it was a very hard time for our family. Now that he's better, it seems like we are different people than we were before. We don't communicate, he won't help around the house, he refuses to give the kids chores, or enforce them if I assign chores, to help me (his bio--9, my bio--4), we don't have fun anymore, we fight constantly--about everything, if I tell the kids not to do something, he says that I'm being "mean" to them, he has no motivation to do anything, our finances are a wreck but if I bring up spending he flips out, we just seem to be two families sharing a house instead of one unit. I'm not saying that he's the only one at fault, I know that there are things that I've done wrong and that he probably has a list of complaints about me. We were going to see a marriage counsellor tomorrow, but the office just called to reschedule due to a death in the family. I just wonder how do you know when it's too late to fix the issues, when it's time to say we've done what we can, but it's too little too late? What finally made you decide to divorce, or how did you fix the issues that you had/have?
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Replies

  • Melisha82
    Melisha82 Posts: 243
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    Have you tried any sort of counseling? Honestly, I would try every last thing before I chose divorce. I've never been in your situation and it makes me sad that you're going through that :(
  • Monicamarkt
    Monicamarkt Posts: 22 Member
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    I'm sorry to hear this. Divorce is never fun, even if it's agreed upon by both. Perhaps your husband has a different outlook on life and the little things (like chores) after surviving cancer. I would ask him what his point of view on life is and what he wants out of it and where he sees it going. If you both WANT to work on the marriage of course it can be salvaged. It's important to have a friendship with each other too. Sometimes when we are stressed (and don't even know it) it's easiest to take it out on the people we love the most. It's not right but it happens.
    Anyway, good luck with whatever road you both decide to take.
  • Luckymam
    Luckymam Posts: 300
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    Try counselling. Even if hubby won't go, you can go alone and they can give you advice xxx
  • lalacarter
    lalacarter Posts: 1
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    After 26+ years of marriage, my divorce was final this week. My advice: if you can save your marriage, please do everything you can to do so. Make sure you attend the counseling sessions - together. Divorce is very painful. If the marriage cannot be salvaged, please seek support from your church, family, and friends. You'll need it! Most importantly, take good care of yourself.
  • RaeN81
    RaeN81 Posts: 534 Member
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    I'm no expert...but it sounds like something worth fighting for since you both love each other. Putting that love into action will take time, patience, forgiveness and plenty of energy. It is not too late if you are prepared to put the work in.
  • poisongirl6485
    poisongirl6485 Posts: 1,487 Member
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    Definitely see a certified counselor before doing anything else. If the love is still there, there is potential to work out everything else. Communication is key.
  • luv2ash
    luv2ash Posts: 1,903 Member
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    You definitely need to see a counselor to help you through the issues. You say you both love each other---thats enough to know that the issues can be fixed, its just gonna take a bit of convincing. Don't give up yet.
  • nakiad
    nakiad Posts: 2
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    I have been down the divorce road and my heart goes out to each of you especially the children. PRAY! and seek counseling, weigh all your options and make sure you have done all you can on your part so if and when the time comes you will know that you have done all you can to make it work. I highly recommend family counseling as well as individual counseling. Don't forget who you are as a woman, mother and wife. Often times we lose ourselves in these situations. God's continued blessings upon you and your family is my prayer!

    Take care-
    Nakia
  • aneajo
    aneajo Posts: 287 Member
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    Don't make any choices until you see the counselor.
  • brittlynne3579
    brittlynne3579 Posts: 217 Member
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    First of all, my apologies for your troubles. I have never been married, but I've been in two 5 year relationships and 2 other relationships that ended with a result of fighting, cheating and lying on the man's part. I don't think we can offer you advice. What I can say is something my mom told me with every man I dated.

    You deserve to be happy. It takes work, and it might not be all the time, but happiness should be present. If you're not, then when you've had enough, you'll know.

    And everytime I did. Good luck!
  • bethvandenberg
    bethvandenberg Posts: 1,496 Member
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    Sounds like you've been through a lot.

    I truly believe that if you want to divorce your husband you'd know for a fact that you were done. I think something happens and you look at that person and know right then and there that that is that. I can't do this anymore and you figure out what you're going to do next.

    Maybe since you are seeing a counselor you'll figure out a way to move forward. Maybe you two are just really disconnected.

    I think by the statements that you've said (typed) you're not quite there, but it's not to early to start thinking exit strategy.

    Good luck with whatever happens.
  • Carissa83
    Carissa83 Posts: 33 Member
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    Hey sweetie, tough topic. Here's my opinion coming from a happy single woman with two kids. I think love is a choice, not just a feeling. You both took vows for better or worse and no doubt the last year has been really tough. You are working on yourself right now and that's awesome!!! You don't have to make a decision right now. The only person you can change is yourself. I say keep working on yourself, try the marriage counseling and most importantly go to individual counseling. Take care!
  • kmm7309
    kmm7309 Posts: 802 Member
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    My husband and I split up about 2 years ago for a year, and it was the best thing we've ever done. When we both came back to each other, we were more appreciative, communicated more, and respected each other more. We both grew up a lot apart. Before we split, I was emotionally controlling, abusive, and in denial, and he didn't know how to handle me as an adult so he started sleeping with my best friend.

    I think the hardest part of us reconnecting is trusting him again- other than that, he's practically perfect. If you don't have to worry about the trust, take some time apart, it will probably help.
  • kimmerroze
    kimmerroze Posts: 1,330 Member
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    k8smama, I feel for you girl! that is such a hard decision to make, and soooo full of unsurity. You have to go back 3 generations in my family before you find a marriage that worked with no divorce.

    I am unexperienced in this situation as I have never been divorced, but what I can say is this. Your marriage will work if both sides are willing to work at it. When it hits the point when one side refuses to work at it anymore, then that is when there will be no progress and things will stay as they are.

    If your husband's cancer is in remission, I want to congratulate him and you for sticking through that, that had to have been tough, and its a shame that you guys didn't grow stronger because of it.

    My advice would be to work through this, until cooperation and willingness to work at it fails, you never know, this may be a time in ten years that you tell your children when they are getting married, "hey Marriage is HARD and you will have to work at it, you will fight, and you will find that there will be times that you don't like eachother. but me and your father didn't give up, and look where we are now."

    Try getting to know eachother again, start going on dates, and start doing sweet things for a while. in my mothers words, "fake it until you don't have to fake it anymore."

    I am sorry you are facing such a decision as this, and I hope you find a decision that makes you happy. :smile:
  • staceymrod
    staceymrod Posts: 1
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    Don't give up until you have tried Retrouvaille. Its never too late. Marriage is forever. Its just a matter of learning and re-learning each other over and over again. I have been where you are (4 times), separated twice. Nothing ever helped until we stumbled upon Retrouvaille. We will be married 13 years on Tuesday. Its a rough road, but don't give up. Prayer conquers ALL. And remember the devil does not want marriages to last. Trust that God will carry you both and that HIS will be done. Hope this helps. God Bless :)
  • writer4him
    writer4him Posts: 225 Member
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    Like just about everyone else has said - get counseling. Divorce is your worst option. If you need help finding a counselor in your area, you can try this website - www.nanc.org. I am a certified counselor through this organization and we offer marriage counseling for free.
  • btrflyflutter
    btrflyflutter Posts: 68 Member
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    After 14 yrs ...I knew when I could no longer look at him without feeling tons of resentment. My kids were not seeing a loving couple and I decided being divorced although it was the harder route would be better than raising my kids in a weird atmosphere were they would not learn how a man and woman should treat each other.

    11 yrs later....it was the right decision for me :) Thank goodness!
  • spacecase76
    spacecase76 Posts: 673 Member
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    You almost sound like me, but, I am too "easy" on the kids, my husband barely works, but heaven forbid I suggest that he needs to look for a real job where he can get some hours. Thank god I work, or we'd starve to death. We have been together almost 8 years, married for just over 6. I have an 11 year old and we have a 3 year old together. I am biding my time. We have done counseling. I really think that it *can* work, but, you have to put real effort into it...and, well, he wouldn't. I can't "fix" my marriage on my own. I am the main bread-winner in the house, full time student, and, I am having to pick the kids up, cook, clean, everything falls to me because he sits on his *kitten* in front of a video game all day. (and for the record, I still manage to find an hour + to work out every day!) It has built a lot of resentment. I will be surprised if we make it through the summer. Seriously. We are talking about moving to another state, and that is the only reason we are still together. I have absolutely no family, no support here, and once we move and I have that, he is gone.

    Give counseling a chance...a REAL chance...don't have it set in your mind that it is over. Good Luck!
  • jsecret
    jsecret Posts: 606 Member
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    It sounds like you two just need to sit down one on one and discuss it. Are you both really happy? Can you both imagine continuing to live the rest of your lives this way? How is the constant fighting and lack of stability affecting the kids? Where do you go from here?

    Make sure you don't put the blame on either of you. Sometimes people do just grow apart and what he went through was life changing... for HIM. That doesn't mean you're willing to turn your entire world upside down as well. Regardless of all else there comes a time when you need to do what's best for you and your child. It doesn't sound like this is a healthy environment for anyone involved and though you may not want to rush right into a divorce a short seperation might be a good way to see how you really feel.
  • rosnnj
    rosnnj Posts: 25 Member
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    I like KMM7309 advice. I have had marital problems before and I was glad I stuck it out. It was like being in a storm, it feels long and drawn out when you are in it. Counseling didn't help us but taking a step back and not dealing with each other did for a while. Once we got back together I remembered that those vows said good or bad and that I have to accept him for who he is. This is who I married and people change. If we divorce because of changes no one would stay married.

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