Thinking of Divorce...Any Advice??

My wife and I have had a few breakups over the years we went to counciling once and we went in with one woman thinking I'm an *kitten* and left with two thinking it .... she asked my wife to come alone next session and told her to leave me that was three years ago :-[

My husband and I separated for half a year after we'd been together for about three. We lived separately but then decided to give it another try. We're still together and it's been over 7 years now. Sometimes I think separation is helpful because it gives space and clarity, as long as you're working on the issues in the relationship while separated. We don't have kids, so I do'nt know how that would play into it.

It's great that you're already trying for marriage counseling. While you're waiting, my therapist gave me a helpful self-help book you might want to read called "Divorce Busting". I can't remember the author. Some helpful tips and a reassuring read. Best wishes!

I also wanted to comment on the cancer part: My husband is in remission from leukemia when he was 16-so that makes...16 years in remission. I wasn't even in the picture at the time. But it is definetely a part of our relationship every day...surviving cancer is a HUGE part of who is his now...including the long term side effects of the chemo and the fear of recurrance. I agree with the others, your husband would probably benefit from some sort of cancer support group or counseling....

And one more bit of advice. Despite what Oprah might say, marriage is about compromise - giving and taking. This is the only way two people can exist together. For those who might say that they will not compromise what they want (not that I have heard this yet on this thread, but hear it too much in my office) you won't really know what compromise is until it is ordered by a judge. If you choose to live separate it will be court ordered compromise - not fun.

Hi there.

I'm so very sorry to hear about your situation, it really makes me sad. I think it would be best to see a counselor first, at least if it doesn't work out, you know you did your best to resolve it. Your husband (you both) have been through a life changing event with his cancer, I'm sure that this has changed his perspective on everything in life and hence the feeling that you're both different people, because you are. The fact that you still love each other makes me think you should try anything to save your marriage. I've been divorced and it was painful, but in my case it was the right thing to do, not only did we not like each other, but we didn't love each other, we made a mistake. My new husband went through a terrible time with his divorce, it was and still is painful. I can't tell you how this has affected his children negatively. The situation is totally different as his wife left him and the children and cheated AND has mental health/emotional issues and basically makes our lives hell. But the actual divorce proceedings were just horrendous.

If you still love each other I think you owe it to yourselves and the kids to at least try the counseling or mediator route. You've both been through so much I can't imagine how you're coping. It sounds like your husband is glad to be alive and doesn't care about mundane things like chores or disciplining the kids. He sounds like he really NEEDS counseling.

My heart goes out to you because I know the pain you're in. How does he feel about divorce???

Just wanted to send you massive *hugs* think you have had enough advice....thinking of you and your family and will certainly be in my prayers for an outcome that will suit all involved. Take care of you and yours, blessing! xx

I have been down the divorce road and my heart goes out to each of you especially the children. PRAY! and seek counseling, weigh all your options and make sure you have done all you can on your part so if and when the time comes you will know that you have done all you can to make it work. I highly recommend family counseling as well as individual counseling. Don't forget who you are as a woman, mother and wife. Often times we lose ourselves in these situations. God's continued blessings upon you and your family is my prayer!

Take care-
Nakia

Amen.
I divorced 12 years ago. It was devastating and does not solve all your problems. It is not an easy way out nor was it meant to be.
Divorce destroys children. You MUST think about them. They are completely innocent and helpless. Sounds like they may have already been thru a divorce? Don't add to their trauma.
Do everything you can to work out your issues.
Pray and seek God for help and answers.
Find good Christian friends who will counsel you wisely.

I have recently been thru that. He told me that he no longer loved me as a wife but as a friend. He left me and later I found out there was someone else. We did fight alot and the kids went through alot. But the kids now say that they are happy to see me happy. I have since met someone else. It's a personal decision. We did the marriage counceling and it did for a bit. But I guess he had a wondering eye... ( ....

Post cancer depression. It is real and your husband needs to bring this up with his doctor ASAP. Your description of him is classic post cancer depression.

That's what I was wondering - it sounds like he's just drifting. You might consider getting in touch with who ever provided his care and see what they suggest to assess this.

Good luck!

As an update, I thought that this was wonderful advice and wondered why I hadn't thought of it myself. I called his oncologists office and spoke to a nurse, who is going to alert the doctor to an issue. She agreed that there was probably a depression issue and that they get frequent calls just like mine. What an huge relief to know that this is a common issue. They are going to call him tomorrow and offer "follow up counseling" with out letting him know that I've called. Thank you soooo much!

great update

I have been down the divorce road and my heart goes out to each of you especially the children. PRAY! and seek counseling, weigh all your options and make sure you have done all you can on your part so if and when the time comes you will know that you have done all you can to make it work. I highly recommend family counseling as well as individual counseling. Don't forget who you are as a woman, mother and wife. Often times we lose ourselves in these situations. God's continued blessings upon you and your family is my prayer!

Take care-
Nakia

Amen.
I divorced 12 years ago. It was devastating and does not solve all your problems. It is not an easy way out nor was it meant to be.
Divorce destroys children. You MUST think about them. They are completely innocent and helpless. Sounds like they may have already been thru a divorce? Don't add to their trauma.
Do everything you can to work out your issues.
Pray and seek God for help and answers.
Find good Christian friends who will counsel you wisely.

I disagree with the quote that "Divorce Destroys children". In my personal experience and with alot of people i know. Divorce makes children alot more independant and in tune with reality. Life is not a fairy tale and especially nowadays parents break up everyday. When that happens to you, you realize that its on you to change your life and that everything that happens in life is because of your doing somewhat. Also you feel that this is the worst thing that can happen to you and then when something shocking happens to you in the future, you know how to manage it like a human being and that crying and weeping won't help. You become strong because basically that is the only option unless you wanna give up and go into depression and drugs. Divorce is a really good lesson for children i believe. Don't get me wrong, it is hard and painful but its reality and the sooner you learn it, the better you will be. Kids that don't deal with divorce end up growing up and then when something in life goes wrong they have serious meltdowns because they have never experienced out of there bubble.