Thinking of Divorce...Any Advice??

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Replies

  • linsben
    linsben Posts: 108 Member
    Im not married. But i think counselling could deffinetly save your mariage. Hopefully the two of you will learn to communicate and it sounds like your husband doesnt take your feeling into consideration and that he basically belittles you infront of your kids. He needs to know thats not ok and is having negative effects. Till death do you part i hope! but not any time soon...its fantastic he beat the cancer and im surprised that didnt bring the two of you together. I think you owe it to yourself and to your marriage to do everything in your power to make it work. But that being said it does take two to tango so hopefully your husband is just as willing to make it work...and he really should cuz marriage is seriouse! For yourself do EVERYTHING that you must so that no matter how it ends you walk away being content with how you handled yourself.
  • Ananke65
    Ananke65 Posts: 15
    Get counselling, either by yourself or with your husband. I've been through one divorce and I would never wish it upon my worst enemy. Good luck to you both!
  • BOGmama2010
    BOGmama2010 Posts: 599 Member
    I am so sorry. I considered divorce about 5 years ago after finding out my husband was having an affair. Counseling is definitely a good start - my husband wouldn't go with me, but it helped for me to meet with my pastor and talk with him and be prayed with. I also took our twins for 2 weeks to go stay with my grandma and give him an idea of what it would be without me and the kids. He finally realized during those 2 weeks that he would do anything to keep us. Our marriage has been a lot better since then and it has been the best it's ever been in the last year since we started working out together and getting healthier.

    I also recommend the movie Fireproof. I love that movie and the message it gives. The Love Dare book is available and may be something to look into as well.

    I will keep you in my prayers. I hope that everything works out for the best.
  • bridred8
    bridred8 Posts: 10 Member
    Everyone's relationships are different, so it is a tough area to give advice. In your case it seems that you have went through some very tough times. It likely caused a lot of stress on you both. Lots of times stress can make people take out their anger and frustration on the ones they love, simply because those are the people closest to you.
    I have always believed that if BOTH of you try and BOTH of you want to make it work you really can. Talk to a professional, one that works for you both. Reguardless of the outcome you will need someone to talk to.

    I have been through a divorce, it is tough and it made me angry and bitter for a long time, but in the end it was the best thing I could have done. My ex had no interest in me or our marriage. (which lead me to deal with food because I could understand why he didn't like me, so I gave myself a reason to not be loved....90lbs of it) We had other problems as well. He drank and would only hold part-time jobs at best leaving all the finacial burden to me. I tried so hard to become a person that he would love that I lost myself and began to resent him.
  • LFern
    LFern Posts: 141
    Try the counseling 1st. If that counselor seems "one sided" try another.

    I've been married 31 years. Filed for divorce once and am SO thankful that we didn't do it!

    You obviously love him very much if you helped him get through a battle with cancer.

    Cancer not only attacks the body - it attacks the mind. Not only should you guys try marriage counseling but also you should each join a cancer support group. Seperately. So you can see that others have the same struggle before/during the treatment and after.

    Love is NOT enough. Think back to the days when you were dating. What made you decide to take that marital leap? What things did you have in common that have changed now? COMMUNICATION is the ONLY way a marriage works. The two people involved must decide what they see 5 years from now.

    Just remember; Kids grow up. In the end you two are all that are left standing. And kids WILL pit one against the other when it comes to parents. My husband had a very rough 1st 1/2 of our marriage - but it is what it took to reach the 2nd 1/2 and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. We LOVE being together - we're like teenagers again because we don't have littls kids at home to worry about. (the adults living at home - well that is another story for another time)

    Good Luck to you -
  • bridred8
    bridred8 Posts: 10 Member
    Hmmm this is a touchy issue because it's different for everyone. For me...it was the same. We were completely different people sharing a house and the bills. Which seemed easier than doing it on my own so the time just flew by without us really acknowledging it. The breaking point for me was when it became unhealthy for the kids, which in hindsight a loveless marriage IS unhealthy but it was the fighting that did it for me. With every fight we both crossed the line a little more at a time in the respect area. Not that we fought everyday because we were pretty good at ignoring eachother but when we did, it was not pretty. I got to the point that enough was enough and there was one particular fight that did that for me which I won't give you the details of. At the time I broke it off knowing I was ok with spending the rest of my life with me and my boys and that was it. I did not want to be committed to another man. It wasn't worth it. I can tell you as scary as it was to make the decision.....how was I going to raise 2 boys by myself? Well let me tell you...one load of laundry less...one dish less....one pair of shoes less to pick up.....it ended up being so worth having to take the garbage out on my own. Cause that was the only thing he did do. lol Now looking back OMG my only thought is why did I wait? Life is too short and I'm a believer (because my mom told me so) that you should trust your gut. Is your gut saying this is the man for you? For me, it never did. It was just easier to be with him than with out. Trust your instincts. I'm a big believer in fighting for your family so don't get me wrong. But we were wrong for eachother and now we are both MUCH happier. As much as I said I didn't want to I met the man of my dreams 2 years ago and am ridiculously in love and happy. My kids see what love looks like now and our house is full of laughter and not screaming.

    Do some soul searching and do what's right for you and most importantly for the kids. Only you know that. No one elses story can convince you of it.

    Good luck and best wishes.

    The gut NEVER lies, but sometimes we don't listen!
  • KatieM7
    KatieM7 Posts: 588 Member
    I heard this somewhere.... a married couple went to meet with their church leader. They "hated" each other but still "loved" each other but they said they were done and wanted to get a divorce. This church leader of theirs told them that they should give it one more shot. He asked a few questions and then told them that if they would kneel down together as a couple every day that they would be blessed. They also needed to "court" each other again. Well long story short they met with said church leader a month or 2 later and they walked into the office HOLDING HANDS! They were able to find that spark again. With that being said like someone already said you BOTH have to be willing to make it work for it to actually work out. Good luck! If it was me I would fight until there was nothing to fight for but I went into my marriage with the "divorce is never an option" attitude. :flowerforyou:

    Edit:Do agree with the "gut" never lies. If you guys are not meant to be with each other don't fight it but if you are meant to be fight with everything you have. :flowerforyou:
  • jamie78
    jamie78 Posts: 514 Member
    If you have a church you go to I would say try talking to your preacher. If you don't have a church home find one. Most of them offer marriage help for free. Pray Pray and Pray. It will amaze how much things can change for the better when you both put God in front of your marriage. I know sometimes things are so bad that they cant be fixed but it sounds like to me that you are no where near that point. Also the Love Dare book is really an awesome book. Maybe you and your husband can do it together. God Bless you and your family. Hope it works out for you.
  • k8smama
    k8smama Posts: 48
    I want to thank you all for taking the time to offer the advice you have, it's greatly appreciated. I have an appointment for tomorrow for my self with a counselor and need to reschedule the joint appointment later next week. When we married we were the best of friends. Now he says that I act like I'm his mother. The problem is that I end up feeling like his mother most days. I'm going to suggest that he finds someone to talk to on his own as well, since I had never really thought about post-cancer depression before this. Thank you all again so much, I'll be looking back at this post often!
  • superbeffie
    superbeffie Posts: 93 Member
    I have to agree with what everyone else is saying. Counseling is a huge help. I would also recommend the book "The 5 Love Languages" for you guys. It is a huge help and I can't believe the difference it made for me and my hubby.

    It also sounds like he might need some individual counseling. Dealing with something like cancer is a huge thing and he may need some help to process it.
    Good luck, dear.
  • fatboypup
    fatboypup Posts: 1,873 Member
    My wife and I have had a few breakups over the years we went to counciling once and we went in with one woman thinking I'm an *kitten* and left with two thinking it .... she asked my wife to come alone next session and told her to leave me that was three years ago :-[
  • deandp371
    deandp371 Posts: 63
    Post cancer depression. It is real and your husband needs to bring this up with his doctor ASAP. Your description of him is classic post cancer depression.

    That's what I was wondering - it sounds like he's just drifting. You might consider getting in touch with who ever provided his care and see what they suggest to assess this.

    Good luck!
  • htimpaired
    htimpaired Posts: 1,404 Member
    My husband and I separated for half a year after we'd been together for about three. We lived separately but then decided to give it another try. We're still together and it's been over 7 years now. Sometimes I think separation is helpful because it gives space and clarity, as long as you're working on the issues in the relationship while separated. We don't have kids, so I do'nt know how that would play into it.

    It's great that you're already trying for marriage counseling. While you're waiting, my therapist gave me a helpful self-help book you might want to read called "Divorce Busting". I can't remember the author. Some helpful tips and a reassuring read. Best wishes!

    I also wanted to comment on the cancer part: My husband is in remission from leukemia when he was 16-so that makes...16 years in remission. I wasn't even in the picture at the time. But it is definetely a part of our relationship every day...surviving cancer is a HUGE part of who is his now...including the long term side effects of the chemo and the fear of recurrance. I agree with the others, your husband would probably benefit from some sort of cancer support group or counseling....
  • 1mainstreet
    1mainstreet Posts: 7
    I am a divorce lawyer but this is not legal advice. Do everything in your power to save your marriage. No one comes out whole from a divorce - no one. Your children will be the biggest casualties.
  • 1mainstreet
    1mainstreet Posts: 7
    And one more bit of advice. Despite what Oprah might say, marriage is about compromise - giving and taking. This is the only way two people can exist together. For those who might say that they will not compromise what they want (not that I have heard this yet on this thread, but hear it too much in my office) you won't really know what compromise is until it is ordered by a judge. If you choose to live separate it will be court ordered compromise - not fun.
  • kelligonzales
    kelligonzales Posts: 391
    I'm so sorry to here this. You guys need to seek a professional. Every relationship forever growing and changing. both parties need to grown and change to adjust to the relationship. I'm sure he has a different outlook on things see what he has been through, but also and please don't forget so have you. The person who supports the sick goes through a lot too. So if he is unwilling to go with i would go by myself to get some info and different things to help you fix it. I really hope it works out for you God bless.
  • mariasheehan
    mariasheehan Posts: 335
    Hi there.

    I'm so very sorry to hear about your situation, it really makes me sad. I think it would be best to see a counselor first, at least if it doesn't work out, you know you did your best to resolve it. Your husband (you both) have been through a life changing event with his cancer, I'm sure that this has changed his perspective on everything in life and hence the feeling that you're both different people, because you are. The fact that you still love each other makes me think you should try anything to save your marriage. I've been divorced and it was painful, but in my case it was the right thing to do, not only did we not like each other, but we didn't love each other, we made a mistake. My new husband went through a terrible time with his divorce, it was and still is painful. I can't tell you how this has affected his children negatively. The situation is totally different as his wife left him and the children and cheated AND has mental health/emotional issues and basically makes our lives hell. But the actual divorce proceedings were just horrendous.

    If you still love each other I think you owe it to yourselves and the kids to at least try the counseling or mediator route. You've both been through so much I can't imagine how you're coping. It sounds like your husband is glad to be alive and doesn't care about mundane things like chores or disciplining the kids. He sounds like he really NEEDS counseling.

    My heart goes out to you because I know the pain you're in. How does he feel about divorce???
  • aschultz9
    aschultz9 Posts: 89
    " Your children will be the biggest casualties"


    I agree 100% with this. Seek counseling and try to make it work.
  • mummum2
    mummum2 Posts: 415 Member
    Just wanted to send you massive *hugs* think you have had enough advice....thinking of you and your family and will certainly be in my prayers for an outcome that will suit all involved. Take care of you and yours, blessing! xx
  • mumma2boyz
    mumma2boyz Posts: 109 Member
    I heard once that compromise is key, but not 100% of the time. Sometimes one party or the other has to "win." For example, if your ideal vacation is NYC shopping & painting the town, and his is a cruise to the Bahamas....but you guys always choose the mountains, no one ever wins. No one is ever getting what they want and you lose yourself a little in that process.
  • Mustang_Susie
    Mustang_Susie Posts: 7,045 Member
    I have been down the divorce road and my heart goes out to each of you especially the children. PRAY! and seek counseling, weigh all your options and make sure you have done all you can on your part so if and when the time comes you will know that you have done all you can to make it work. I highly recommend family counseling as well as individual counseling. Don't forget who you are as a woman, mother and wife. Often times we lose ourselves in these situations. God's continued blessings upon you and your family is my prayer!

    Take care-
    Nakia

    Amen.
    I divorced 12 years ago. It was devastating and does not solve all your problems. It is not an easy way out nor was it meant to be.
    Divorce destroys children. You MUST think about them. They are completely innocent and helpless. Sounds like they may have already been thru a divorce? Don't add to their trauma.
    Do everything you can to work out your issues.
    Pray and seek God for help and answers.
    Find good Christian friends who will counsel you wisely.
  • nbfield
    nbfield Posts: 9
    Divorce is terrible on every level. It is like a death, but instead of it being a person it is your marriage that dies. My ex-husband and I divorced after 3 years. He worked all the time, I went to night school (he resented me for it) and worked all day. We had a special needs son to take care of, so when I had class he was home, when I was home he worked. Like all young couples with a child, money was a huge stresser for us, as well as the adjustment of having another person to love. We tried therapy, but he didn't want to go so it didn't work. Finally, when he spent our 3rd anniversary with his girlfriend I kick him out.

    Six years later, we have both grown up a lot. Do we get along? Not at first, but now we are decent to each other. We live 800 miles away, so our son has to travel for his 3 visits a year with his father. Our son has his own cell so he can talk to his father whenever he wants and he usually does daily. We never put him in the middle of anything. We are both happliy remarried.

    Sometimes you just grow apart and want different lives. Only the two of you can decide if you want your future to be as husband and wife or seperately.

    Asking this question to strangers, should be your first clue that it may be time to walk away and that you are just looking for permission from someone that it is okay to do so.
  • k8smama
    k8smama Posts: 48
    Post cancer depression. It is real and your husband needs to bring this up with his doctor ASAP. Your description of him is classic post cancer depression.

    That's what I was wondering - it sounds like he's just drifting. You might consider getting in touch with who ever provided his care and see what they suggest to assess this.

    Good luck!

    As an update, I thought that this was wonderful advice and wondered why I hadn't thought of it myself. I called his oncologists office and spoke to a nurse, who is going to alert the doctor to an issue. She agreed that there was probably a depression issue and that they get frequent calls just like mine. What an huge relief to know that this is a common issue. They are going to call him tomorrow and offer "follow up counseling" with out letting him know that I've called. Thank you soooo much!
  • deandp371
    deandp371 Posts: 63
    Great! Couples sessions might be a good idea too. Hope things work out!
  • ChantalD75
    ChantalD75 Posts: 680 Member
    I have recently been thru that. He told me that he no longer loved me as a wife but as a friend. He left me and later I found out there was someone else. We did fight alot and the kids went through alot. But the kids now say that they are happy to see me happy. I have since met someone else. It's a personal decision. We did the marriage counceling and it did for a bit. But I guess he had a wondering eye... :o( ....
  • spacecase76
    spacecase76 Posts: 673 Member
    As an update, I thought that this was wonderful advice and wondered why I hadn't thought of it myself. I called his oncologists office and spoke to a nurse, who is going to alert the doctor to an issue. She agreed that there was probably a depression issue and that they get frequent calls just like mine. What an huge relief to know that this is a common issue. They are going to call him tomorrow and offer "follow up counseling" with out letting him know that I've called. Thank you soooo much!

    I was so happy to see this update :smile: I hope they can help him.
  • yanicka
    yanicka Posts: 1,004 Member
    Post cancer depression. It is real and your husband needs to bring this up with his doctor ASAP. Your description of him is classic post cancer depression.

    That's what I was wondering - it sounds like he's just drifting. You might consider getting in touch with who ever provided his care and see what they suggest to assess this.

    Good luck!

    As an update, I thought that this was wonderful advice and wondered why I hadn't thought of it myself. I called his oncologists office and spoke to a nurse, who is going to alert the doctor to an issue. She agreed that there was probably a depression issue and that they get frequent calls just like mine. What an huge relief to know that this is a common issue. They are going to call him tomorrow and offer "follow up counseling" with out letting him know that I've called. Thank you soooo much!

    great update
  • Lindac67241
    Lindac67241 Posts: 314
    If you go to church, I would suggest that you have a consultation with your Pastor.

    Try putting a day aside just for you and him (date night)

    Maybe go away for a weekend you and him

    Stop talking to other people and start talking to each other. Lock yourselves in a room and don't come out until you both come to an agreement of "stop trying to change one another and to accept each other's flaw. Learn to disagree with each other without holding a grudge with each other.

    Both have to learn to discipline the children together (never let the children see you talk above a whisper to each other) - In other words don't fight in front of the children.

    In a nut shell, FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE! It is too easy to give up today. "Anything worth having....is worth fighting for"

    Linda
  • sarina87
    sarina87 Posts: 400 Member
    I have been down the divorce road and my heart goes out to each of you especially the children. PRAY! and seek counseling, weigh all your options and make sure you have done all you can on your part so if and when the time comes you will know that you have done all you can to make it work. I highly recommend family counseling as well as individual counseling. Don't forget who you are as a woman, mother and wife. Often times we lose ourselves in these situations. God's continued blessings upon you and your family is my prayer!

    Take care-
    Nakia

    Amen.
    I divorced 12 years ago. It was devastating and does not solve all your problems. It is not an easy way out nor was it meant to be.
    Divorce destroys children. You MUST think about them. They are completely innocent and helpless. Sounds like they may have already been thru a divorce? Don't add to their trauma.
    Do everything you can to work out your issues.
    Pray and seek God for help and answers.
    Find good Christian friends who will counsel you wisely.

    I disagree with the quote that "Divorce Destroys children". In my personal experience and with alot of people i know. Divorce makes children alot more independant and in tune with reality. Life is not a fairy tale and especially nowadays parents break up everyday. When that happens to you, you realize that its on you to change your life and that everything that happens in life is because of your doing somewhat. Also you feel that this is the worst thing that can happen to you and then when something shocking happens to you in the future, you know how to manage it like a human being and that crying and weeping won't help. You become strong because basically that is the only option unless you wanna give up and go into depression and drugs. Divorce is a really good lesson for children i believe. Don't get me wrong, it is hard and painful but its reality and the sooner you learn it, the better you will be. Kids that don't deal with divorce end up growing up and then when something in life goes wrong they have serious meltdowns because they have never experienced out of there bubble.
  • KatieM7
    KatieM7 Posts: 588 Member
    As an update, I thought that this was wonderful advice and wondered why I hadn't thought of it myself. I called his oncologists office and spoke to a nurse, who is going to alert the doctor to an issue. She agreed that there was probably a depression issue and that they get frequent calls just like mine. What an huge relief to know that this is a common issue. They are going to call him tomorrow and offer "follow up counseling" with out letting him know that I've called. Thank you soooo much!
    [/quote]

    I am glad to hear this.
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