Deep Thoughts
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“I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.”0
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“If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.”
(AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!)0 -
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
that was one of my favs! OMG:laugh:0 -
“I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.”
:laugh:
:drinker:0 -
“If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting”
:laugh: :sad: :laugh: :sad: :laugh:
Omg, that is hilarious!!0 -
"If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!"0
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“If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.”
(AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!)
They're all funny but for some reason this one just cracks me up more. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."0
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Olympic Tryouts:
My Record
(New York Times, 08.03.2008)
100-Meter Dash - Couldn't finish; too far.
Long Jump - Couldn't reach landing pit; twisted ankle.
Shot-Put - Refused to pick up ant-covered shot; disqualified.
Rowing - Whipped teammates with belt to make them row faster; disqualified. :laugh:
10-Meter Diving - Platform too high for me.
Swimming - Starting platform too high for me.
Fencing - Threw handful of dirt in opponent's eyes; disqualified.
Badminton - Bit off opponent's ear; disqualified. (that one should be for boxing!)
400-Meter Dash - Joined race for last 10 yards. Spit ear across finish line at last second to win. Disqualified. :noway:
Marathon - Got lost. *Must be a man*
Discus - Not sure what to do with it.
Tennis - Expelled for so-called "skimpy shorts."
Boxing - Knocked out; knocked out; knocked out; put boxing gloves back up on shelf, fell off, knocked me out.
High Jump - Optical illusion made it look like I jumped under the bar.
Victory Lap - Apparently no such event.
Some Other Race - Inadvertently won a different race while doing victory lap; disqualified.
Archery - Unable to string bow.
Javelin - O' mighty javelin, greatest and most beautiful of spears! Thy sharped point saved Thebes, and scattered thine enemies like grebes! Hail to thee, O' javelin! (Overslept, missed tryout.) :drinker:
Mystery Sport - Not exactly sure what this sport was, but I was awarded 22 "unprovoked tries," whatever they are. Or maybe I was penalized 22 unprovoked tries. Not sure.
Table Tennis - Not allowed to wear my protective mask, chest protector or cup. Quit in protest.
Cycling - Not very good at this, so I thought maybe I could make team by coming out on a really small "joke" bicycle. Really, if you saw this thing, how tiny it is, you'd say, "Come on, we gotta put him on the team." (Never heard back.)
Uneven bars - Not sure how to get onto upper bar.
Balance Beam - I have no idea what this is.
Rings - No, French fries! (No response from judges.)
Weightlifting - This has to be the dumbest sport ever. No one could lift those weights! They're too heavy! You'd have to be a muscle man or something.
Sailing - Unable to locate ocean.
Hurdles - Isn't it actually harder to run around the hurdles, weaving in and out, than over them? This is the point I was trying to make.
Equestrian - Should be made clear, beforehand, that a horse is required for this.
Tryout for Job as Olympic Official - Couldn't figure out how to work timing clock; gave winner in 100 meters a time of 10 "guess" seconds; not hired.
Tryout for Job as Cotton Candy Maker - Cotton candy came out "molten"; not hired.
Tryout for Job as Ticket Taker - Test tickets much thicker than regular tickets, impossible to tear in half; not hired.
Tryout for Spectator - Apparently I have a loud, constant cough that sounds like a starting pistol. Barred from stands.
Dave-Baiting - Reminded my friend Dave how great his ex-wife was; made him cry! :laugh:0 -
Olympic Tryouts:
My Record
(New York Times, 08.03.2008)
100-Meter Dash - Couldn't finish; too far.
Long Jump - Couldn't reach landing pit; twisted ankle.
Shot-Put - Refused to pick up ant-covered shot; disqualified.
Rowing - Whipped teammates with belt to make them row faster; disqualified. :laugh:
10-Meter Diving - Platform too high for me.
Swimming - Starting platform too high for me.
Fencing - Threw handful of dirt in opponent's eyes; disqualified.
Badminton - Bit off opponent's ear; disqualified. (that one should be for boxing!)
400-Meter Dash - Joined race for last 10 yards. Spit ear across finish line at last second to win. Disqualified. :noway:
Marathon - Got lost. *Must be a man*
Discus - Not sure what to do with it.
Tennis - Expelled for so-called "skimpy shorts."
Boxing - Knocked out; knocked out; knocked out; put boxing gloves back up on shelf, fell off, knocked me out.
High Jump - Optical illusion made it look like I jumped under the bar.
Victory Lap - Apparently no such event.
Some Other Race - Inadvertently won a different race while doing victory lap; disqualified.
Archery - Unable to string bow.
Javelin - O' mighty javelin, greatest and most beautiful of spears! Thy sharped point saved Thebes, and scattered thine enemies like grebes! Hail to thee, O' javelin! (Overslept, missed tryout.) :drinker:
Mystery Sport - Not exactly sure what this sport was, but I was awarded 22 "unprovoked tries," whatever they are. Or maybe I was penalized 22 unprovoked tries. Not sure.
Table Tennis - Not allowed to wear my protective mask, chest protector or cup. Quit in protest.
Cycling - Not very good at this, so I thought maybe I could make team by coming out on a really small "joke" bicycle. Really, if you saw this thing, how tiny it is, you'd say, "Come on, we gotta put him on the team." (Never heard back.)
Uneven bars - Not sure how to get onto upper bar.
Balance Beam - I have no idea what this is.
Rings - No, French fries! (No response from judges.)
Weightlifting - This has to be the dumbest sport ever. No one could lift those weights! They're too heavy! You'd have to be a muscle man or something.
Sailing - Unable to locate ocean.
Hurdles - Isn't it actually harder to run around the hurdles, weaving in and out, than over them? This is the point I was trying to make.
Equestrian - Should be made clear, beforehand, that a horse is required for this.
Tryout for Job as Olympic Official - Couldn't figure out how to work timing clock; gave winner in 100 meters a time of 10 "guess" seconds; not hired.
Tryout for Job as Cotton Candy Maker - Cotton candy came out "molten"; not hired.
Tryout for Job as Ticket Taker - Test tickets much thicker than regular tickets, impossible to tear in half; not hired.
Tryout for Spectator - Apparently I have a loud, constant cough that sounds like a starting pistol. Barred from stands.
Dave-Baiting - Reminded my friend Dave how great his ex-wife was; made him cry! :laugh:
:laugh: :sad: :laugh: :sad: :laugh: :sad: :laugh: :sad: :laugh:0 -
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!0 -
Something tells me that when Davy Crocket saw Daniel Boone and Daniel Boone saw Davy Crocket they both just burst out laughing.0
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“If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.”
(AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!)
They're all funny but for some reason this one just cracks me up more. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
omg this is takin me back to the good o' days of SNL love this one!!!!!!!!!!
I needed this today LMBO!0 -
Jack Handy quotes are great BUT....
I've got a FEVER and nothing can help but COWBELL!
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Jack Handy quotes are great BUT....
I've got a FEVER and nothing can help but COWBELL!
YESSSSS!:bigsmile:
More Cowbell! :laugh:0 -
Jack Handy quotes are great BUT....
I've got a FEVER and nothing can help but COWBELL!
YESSSSS!:bigsmile:
More Cowbell! :laugh:
Okaaay, since you asked...
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Oh COME ON! I said, MORE COW BELL!
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Priest says to a small boy, please remember Jesus loves you, but everyone else hates you...0
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“I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.”
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
“If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.”
(AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!)
They're all funny but for some reason this one just cracks me up more. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Ahaha, this is my favorite too!0
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