To spank, or not to spank!?!

SPANK!!!

Hokay, now what's the question? LOL

I have a 1 1/2 year old, and I guess you could say I'm kind of a pushover (which I am trying to get out of), and i know this is a kind of heated subject for some but i really need some advice!! Me and my husband were both raised in Texas, oklahoma, where we were both brought up the old fashioned (spare the rod spoil the child) kind of way, my lil one is now at the stage where he is absolutley taking control! When he doesnt get his way he screams, and bites himself, or pulls his hair, or hits himself, and if he's feeling really brave he will bite/hit us,, we dont know what to do, spanking doesnt seem to be working anymore, and when i turn to my family for advice, they just keep telling me to spank him and make him do what I want and eventually he will get it! Than when we are in public, i get so many stares when he throws his tantrums, like i am a bad mother, or not doing something right and it breaks my heart, it doesnt help that i am so young so "that just has to be the problem", its very frustrating, and exhausting! making him sit for timeout has become a joke, its more stress for me trying to make him sit than it is even phasing him!! i have no idea what to do, i am all out of ideas, and his anger is not getting any better! :frown: :frown: :frown:

someone please help!

This is going to sound really bizzare, but I asked my doctor and its doesn't hurt them.

NAUGHTY WATER!!!

Its vinegar with water in it; but mostly vinegar. I have a little syringe that I put just a little in...half a teaspoon or so and make my daughter open her mouth. It only takes a few times of getting naughty water for her to really straighten up.

My daughter is very strong willed, (as it sounds like your son is) and I strongly believe that strong willed children NEED TO KNOW WHO IS BOSS. Its going to be tough at first...but you can take back control. When my daughter does something she knows is wrong I get right down at her level. Have her look at me and I sort of stick out my neck a little and have a very serious, not mad, but serious look on my face and tell her. Reagan it is not okay for you to do _____. Mommy does not like when you do ___. This is your warning. If you do ____ again you will get naughty water. Then I give her a hug and pop up like nothing is wrong. She has had her warning and now its her choice. I use the word choice a lot because even as toddlers they know what is expected (if you set up expectations for them) and they know when something they do is wrong.

Then if she does that thing I warned her about. I grab her hand and walk her over to where the naughty water is. I fill up the syringe and tell her why she is getting naughty water. I make her open her mouth and take it. I don't force her with my hands, but I tell her to do it and I wait for her. Believe me it is going to take time.

This is just want has worked for us. And its just a thought.

I wish you much luck because those strong little wills are tough...but properly molded...strong willed children grow up to be the leaders of our society.

I don't have children, so I am not expert.

I know all a lot of people that will say spanking is child abuse and about as many that will say every child needs to be spanked once in a while. But I do believe children need consistent boundries, lots of love and for their parents to be their parents (as opposed to their friend). I do believe that every family is different, and how one chooses to raise one's family is a personal choice.

Be careful about inviting other people into this kind of discussion as they may come to belive it will be alright for them to tell you and your husband how to raise your family and/or undermine you to your child. Whatever you deceide to do, it should be a choice that you and your husband agree on and will be consistent with.

Good Luck-that is just my $0.02:flowerforyou:

I really think it depends on the kid.

I am 11 years older than my sister and 17 years older than my brother, and have been babysitting since my sister was born. With my sister I feel like much more than just a sister...like a mom too, like I need to be there to take care of her, and like a disciplinarian. I'm not as close to my brother because I haven't lived with him as long and moved shortly after he was born.

However, I can tell you that they needed to be dealt with VERY differently. My sister rarely got spanked because I only reserved it for when she was REALLY bad, but when she did get a swat on the butt, she shaped up. Mostly I used the corner with her because she wanted to be around me, so being alone was really bad for her. Both were useful.

My little brother can be SO crazy, and he'll throw some incredible tantrums and definitely hits others. However, when he gets spanked, he doesn't react. He'll either hit back or laugh about it...he doesn't understand what it signifies, and I have REALLY swatted him on the butt before, and it didn't do anything. For him, the only thing that has meaning is the corner. I don't send him to his room with all his toys, I put him in the boring corner of the dining room and ignore him.

My mom used to spank me a ton, and that type of discipline became a problem when I was older and she became more physical, so that influences my opinion. I think a spanking only works when used sparingly so it maintains its meaning and stays effective. Otherwise, ignoring their tantrum teaches them that they will get NO attention from you, negative or positive. I feel that's a longer-lasting and more desirable effect.

Spank!!!

Also just to give you some parenting advice you need to be consistant. If you say you are going to do something you need to do it not just give empty threats cause then your child will know that your just saying it and not goin to do it. Also you need to understand that your child cant fully express himself to you which causes frustration which in the end causes fits.

As far as timeouts- If he gets out you need to put him back in there its all about consitancy (spell check) You want to gain respect now cause it just gets harder as they get older terrible 2's horrible 3's sassy 4's well you get the point.

Parenting is very exhausting.. I too am I young mom Im 25 with a 2nd grader and Pre-K'r- Keep your head up stay patient and ignore what the people in the stores think cause your damned if you do and damned if you dont- cause either they look at you like you dont know how to handle your kids and need to spank them - or if you do spank them they have something to say about that as well-

You may want to check out "Love and Logic". It's a great way to look at parenting.

I ran a day care for 9 years and of coarse you can't spank there. We used that there. It's pretty creative.

I think not giving them the attention they are wanting is the key.
I can remember when we would go out in public and my kids would throw a fit I would walk away (keeping them in site, but they could not see me) they thought I had left them so they would stop and then if they did it again i would walk away again. soon enough they got it.
(I was a spanker when needed but only if it was really bad)

Don't let them know you are watching the fit.

it is just attention they are wanting and if they see it don't work they will stop.

As far as the talking back I have teenagers and I have NOOOOO advice there, I could probably use some :laugh:

SPANK!!!

Hokay, now what's the question? LOL

LMBO!! right... i just get so uncomfortable when I am in public, because of the controversy over it, and everyon is so quitck to judge, i live at an army post, and because most of the wives here are so "perfect" they dont have to spank their child cuz theirs would "never act like that", i couldnt count the times someone has said something to me, or just loud enough for me to hear, about me spanking him, all the while i'm thinking,"unless you have a child, YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!"

Dont think army wives are so perfect- and which post are you at cause Im at one too. As far has dealing with it in public you can take your child in the bathroom- Now Im not saying that every little thing needs a spanking cause thats not the case-- also when kids dont get attention they will do what ever it is to get some form attention even if its getting yelled at- Also not entertaining the fits works as well alot of times kids do it to get a reaction.

I'be tried everything from spanking, taking priviledges away, silent treatment, time out... The thing that is working for me is telling them if they want to act out, do it in their room. nowhere near me.

It's working!

~Joanna:flowerforyou:

. Well anyway, he threw himself down on the floor and proceeded to throw a major fit, so..................I did the same thing. I laid right next to him in the middle of the crowded grocery store and did EXACTLY what he did, just to show him what he looked like. Do you know he NEVER threw another fit in the store!!!!


Memaw

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAA i would have sooooo liked to be there to see that one:laugh:

I am opposed to doing anything to a kid that you wouldn't want your own mother to do to you today as an adult, in public, if you did something you shouldn't.

If you, for example, flipped off somebody in a restaurant, and your mother would spank you in the restaurant, AND you're ok with that action--then go ahead.

There are tons of families that discipline without any spanking, and effectively.

My family stopped, probably about 100 years ago, and we have a great relationship in every generation with our parents.

I don't have kids so I'm probably not qualified to answer, but I don't think that spanking is right. Or at least, not often and not as the normal form of punishment. Mind you this comes from my own personal experience, so, for what it's worth...

I was spanked until I was 12 years old! (Probably because I had younger siblings, so they spanked us all until then... my brother was 7 when I was 12.) My parents spanked us for anything- from a minor infraction to a big deal. In fact, when it was what they deemed to be a big deal, they used a wooden spoon. They also spanked us in public sometimes, and in front of each other, and I can still remember the embarrassment.

I resent my parents' spanking me so much that I know for sure I could never lay a hand on my future children. I do not feel that their spanking was well considered, deserved, or done in self control. Instead, it was just a REACTION when they were angry. Like you said, it was the ole' Bible belt "spare the rod and spoil the child." That did NOT feel like love to me. It felt like control and temper and desperation. I definitely do not agree with ever spanking a child as an off-hand reaction. I think if it is very necessary (for other people... again, I myself could never do this) then the boundaries need to be established up front, and the parent needs to remain calm and in control.

Another thing is that for me, spankings didn't work. Probably because they were so routine and I came to learn that it would sting for a minute and then I'd be fine. I just don't understand the point of that. If that is your regular punishment, it wears off quickly, and it started a cycle for my parents... we would misbehave, they would spank us, we would misbehave, they would spank us... you get the idea. I was a child who loved to read and write on my own, so being sent to my room didn't do any good for me, either. I think the Nanny 911's idea of the time-out chair is a much better option. I really like her views on discipline and punishment. For my brother, taking away his video games or TV worked much better than spankings. I think the punishment to some degree depends on the child and what they will miss the most, if they know that's the consequence for misbehaving. But I honestly can't understand how spanking a child could ever be the best option.

I hate to compare children to dogs, but I know that if my dog misbehaves and I hit her, she doesn't understand, she cowers and runs away, and then she will do the same bad behavior all over again. Instead, I reinforce positive behaviors by praising her, petting her, or giving her a treat that she loves. When she misbehaved, I told her "no" sternly and I wouldn't let her do whatever we were doing... going out the door for a walk I would make her sit down first and let me pass or she wouldn't get to go, etc. I would put her in her crate. Etc. And believe me, it worked, she is very well trained and well-behaved, but it took time and effort. I think that parents who spank their kids too often and people who hit their dogs are NOT putting in the necessary time and effort; they are taking the easy way out and believe me, there are a lot of badly behaved dogs out there who get hit and a lot of badly behaved children out there who get spanked. I can't tell you the number of times I've seen a child misbehave (or sometimes, sadly, not even really misbehave) in Wal-Mart and its mom spanks it and it bawls loudly and then it goes back to misbehaving... I just don't see how spakings help. Maybe they do for some kids but I still think there is a better alternative.

So that is my manifesto on it, obviously I feel very strongly about this, but really what matters most is what you think as the parent. I think it's good that you're considering this issue and I wish my parents would have considered the effect that their spankings had on us. But I think you have to dig deep and figure out WHY you feel like spanking your child and/or why you don't. I would beg you to please not do it if you don't sincerely think it's necessary for THEIR well-being, not your own. I believe that children are essentially innocent and that the best way to teach them is with love and patience. Best wishes to you.

I should add that they spanked us with a wooden spoon on our bare bottoms. In my opinion that borders on child abuse and is never ever justifiable. For those who said a little tap on the bottom... okay, I guess if that works, then I have no philosophical problem with it, I know it wouldn't have worked on me because even the spoon didn't!, but okay, I don't feel that's excessive force. But I always thought the point of a spanking was to HURT the child for punishment for what they did and to try to get them to remember the pain so they don't do it again. I don't understand that method, for me I could never inflict physical pain on anyone, let alone such a small child, let alone my own! I guess I just don't understand it.

I tried to only use spanking in instances where my children might be hurt, and I honestly couldn't afford the time to teach through another means. A good example is a 3 year old reaching for a pot on the stove would get a smack on the hand. Running in the street at 5 might be a spanking offense.

What I found worked well for tantrums was laughing at them. The first couple of times do this at home. They will get really mad, but when they see that didn't get a rise out of me, they stopped doing it. They would start to go off and I'd laugh and tell them they were being rediculous, then I would tell them that last time they stomped harder on the floor, that they should practice that, then I'd stomp a couple of times to show them how. But basically I'd make fun of them & show them how rediculous they were acting. If a tantrum happens in public we went home immediately.