To spank, or not to spank!?!

im actually a little surprised at how many people said spank.... apparently im the only non-spanker:huh:

I am also a staunch non-spanker.

No judgement here... however research does indicate that spanking is not an effective way of shaping behaviour (in fact we have some pretty solid research indicating that it has the oppposite effect).

We know that children learn through modelling. I try and model calm, self control, and firm yet fair treatment of my kids. We have consistent and logial consequences, and I always verbally indicate expectations in situation (e.g. As we enter a store, I explain what behaviour is expected, and what consequences will follow if the rules are not followed). We must also remember that when children model the positive (e.g. please and thank you), they also model the negative (e.g. using physical means to solve problems and exert control).

I personally do not raise a hand at my children, and try not to raise my voice, except of course when volume is specific to the task (e.g. calling out to them before the run into the street).

There are many parenting books on the market that outline great behavioural techniques (think "Supernanny" or, if you prefer, less commercial versions written by parenting experts and/or psychologists) so you could check your local Borders, Chapters, Indigo, etc.

I would be happy to share specific behavioural techniques with anyone who is interested.
Warmest regards to all my MFP friends!
:flowerforyou:

AJCM such a perfect post. This is the way pass on your knowledge.

Lead by example, my friend.:flowerforyou:

(and I am a spanker!! and was a spankee too. Ol Ma loved her soft slipper on my bottom!)

So, I have a question. Seems time out, getting down to your child's level is a common response, for the younger kids anyway. I have a 3, almost 4 year old girl, who has both mine and her daddy's temper and stubborness. I apologize to my mom all the time...lol
Anyway, the question, I am a 24 year old mother with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I cannot get on the floor, bend, stoop, swat, etc. down to my child's level.
How do I handle talking/explaining before the punishment (i.e: time out spot, chair, etc.) if I can't get down to her level? I know standing over her is not going to have much effect, In my experience, but I'm not sure if there is another way.

Could she come up to you? Could you talk to your kids face to face while they are sitting on a chair? Or a raised chair / stool? Maybe your time out chair could be a taller stool so that the child can have the quiet time / be removed from the situation, and it would accomodate you, so that you can discuss the situation at their eye level.

Just an idea!
:flowerforyou:

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Your thoughts are valid Soup -- don't feel like you need to edit them...

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Your thoughts are valid Soup -- don't feel like you need to edit them...

With all that is going on....I do not want to be attacked or underestimated.

Thank you so very much for backing me.:flowerforyou:

I feel very strongly about this and want others to see my side without feeling that I am putting them down. It is "tread lightly" on here now. I don't want to give a bad impression.:ohwell:

You rock girl...btw.:flowerforyou:

First, I have not read through all the posts, just a few so I am not aware of where this has gone. I am posing my opinion only, not judging others, just saying what works for us and why we feel as we do.

I know parents who spank, but most of the parents I know do not spank.

I don't spank. I was spanked often and usually with the lecture "this hurts me more than it hurt you."

Really? I don't see a wooden spoon or belt hitting your bare bottom. My mom quoted James Dobson Dare to Disciple often. I still get a bad feeling in my stomach when I hear that name, and I don't have the greatest relationship with my mother either...but it is much improved in the last few years. I was spanked for nearly every transgression. However, my parents have evolved greatly since my childhood and now understand time outs and alternative disciplinary techniques. They don't spank my children, and my children visit their grandparents for 8 weeks in the summer, long enough that they will need discipline.

I have two children. One has a genetic disorder that includes him being just plain wired differently. My other child is highly sensitive and would shut down completely to us if spanked. I don't claim to be the perfect parent. far from it. My children really get on my nerves sometimes (daily). But consistency and direct statements seem to work best with them. After all, what is the job of the parent? My answer to the question includes (but is not limited to) the following:

A parent's job is raise a child from infancy to adulthood in such a manner that the adult if fully functioning (or as much as possible in special cases) and able to act in a caring, responsible, self controlled way. That adult should be able to differentiate between right and wrong, and be willing to take a stand for what is right and just. That adult should be able to get and hold a job, balance a budget and a checkbook, enjoy varied activities and be warm hearted and open to people of all backgrounds. Of course there are important things that I've left out of this description...but you get the idea.

So my job (besides the obvious of loving them) is to teach and give my children the tools that they will need as adults. My job is not to "win" or be blindly obeyed. My job is to shape and guide, and help my children be able to eventually self guide. Yes, discipline is part of that. Yes, there are actions that lead to consequences. But ultimately my goal is to help them become the best possible child, teen, and adult that they can be.

Techniques that work for me:
Calm is listened to more than angry or urgent. Quiet is listened to more than loud. :laugh: . Several times I have had complete laryngitis. The children are always better behaved when they can't hear me and have to follow signals or read directions. Even a whisper can be effective. We also have no TV during the school week and limited on weekends. Even very selective TV (PBS) shows seem to precede behavior that we don't want - yelling, refusing to help, slamming doors. Cutting all TV has very much helped, and both children are avid readers. Diversion, change their focus to something positive. Chores, give them something to do - pick up dog piles, fold laundry. LOL my youngest thinks it is a treat to "fold" laundry. Spend time playing with them. My kids have just discovered monopoly - the old fashioned one, and love it.

I have read a number of parenting books. Some are great, some scare me. I really like Raising your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka - as both my children would fall into the spirited category.

Well, it's a bit rambling, but there is a summary of my parenting philosophy.
DH more or less agrees. He came from a home that was also big on spanking or even slapping across the face. He is VERY opposed to that type of discipline.

How is it working? I think it is working well.
My oldest is extremely creative and artistic, athletic and straight A to A++.
My youngest, with the help of years of speech, physical, and occupational therapy is thriving. Last year he went from below average to exceeds average in his 100% mainstreamed class. He just started therapeutic horse riding again today.

Raising children is tough. I salute all the parents here. We can only do our best.