Need Ideas for my overweight Daughter

Not sure about where you live, but look into a local rec center if you have one. In my area, there are fitness classes for teen girls (like zumba, dance, water aerobics). Could be that you need to nudge her and push her into something that would seem more like "fun" than work!

PrizePopple wrote: »

I have two daughters, and to be blunt (just like I am with them) it is your job to ensure that she is healthy and learns how to properly take care of herself. If her doctor is expressing concern then by all means continue to talk to him about the best course of action, especially if she is binging. Honestly I'm shocked that people are pretty much saying to leave it alone, because binging is equally as dangerous as the other end of the eating disorder spectrum.

She's not as young as my girls, so she should be far more capable of making choices. Sit down and have a conversation with her, even if it is hard. Ask her how she feels, what she would like to do to be as healthy as possible. Let her know your concerns as well. Have her be an active part of meal planning and cooking. See if she would like to go on walks with you.

I don't sugar coat things with my girls, and I'm totally honest with them that by not getting healthier I'm at risk for things like diabetes and losing part of my colon (I have a diagnosed GI disease). I'm also forthright about it largely being my own fault because of poor choices in the past, and I make sure they know that I don't want them to be like me - in my 30's struggling to lose weight with health issues piling up.

We want the best for our kids, and that's what I see you doing here, trying like hell to do whatever you can to help her. I commend you for that.

I tend to favor this approach. I have always actively monitored my children's intake, not necessarily for calorie but for nutrients. I am fairly strict about food that is in the home and explain why certain things are limited.

My teen boy is at a healthy weight, however his overall fitness level was lacking at the end of last year. I made him pick a sport, and our forced family fun is now extremely active with hiking. I do not and will not apologize for training my children or forcing them to eat healthy foods and limiting foods that both their doctor and I find to be unhealthy. My job, until they are 18, in my view, is to give them the tools to make their own educated choices, provide a healthy stable environment, and keep them from harm. My goal is that they will leave my house, healthy, fit, whole, conscious of the world around them and able to maneuver in it successfully.

I don't sugar coat things with my girls, and I'm totally honest with them that by not getting healthier I'm at risk for things like diabetes and losing part of my colon (I have a diagnosed GI disease). I'm also forthright about it largely being my own fault because of poor choices in the past, and I make sure they know that I don't want them to be like me - in my 30's struggling to lose weight with health issues piling up.

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I agree totally, I'm overweight by about 30kgs and I tell my children it's because of MY bad choices. They've seen me lose 10kgs by making good choices and exercise. One of the reasons I started was my 12 year old was just snacking all the time, being sedentary and piled on the weight, behaviour he'd learnt from me I'm ashamed to say.
Now instead of grabbing potato chips he will make himself a smoothie or grab a sandwich if he's hungry. He's a growing boy, carrot sticks aren't going to cut it !
His pre-teen mood has improved as well as we are pushing him to get more exercise. If it was up to him he'd lie on his bed all day on his ipad.
He doesn't always appreciate our efforts but hey who said being a parent was easy !

I recommend taking her to counseling. It sounds like food may be an emotional issue considering how she calls herself "fat." Choosing not to do activities can also be a sign of confidence issues because she could be afraid how she looks doing to sport and feel like "I can never do well. I'm just too fat." Counselors are specialists in talking with people about behavior/emotional issues. Find one that specializes in helping teenagers, some may also specialize in healthy choices.
As for food, do you guys do family meals? Have it a habit for her to eat home. Also, make sure the Costco salad isn't loaded with sugar.

This is not the correct place to ask for advice on a controversial topic. Most people will twist your words and turn you into a horrible mother trying to starve out your daughter because you think she is fat.

That being said, I think all you are doing all you can right now. Just try to encourage your whole family to make better food choices and get active together. You definitely don't want her to feel singled out. I would just get everyone on board. Maybe you could all do a couch to 5k together. Get outside and get active together as a family. Cook healthy meals for everyone. Make better choices at the grocery store. This is something I wish my family would have done when I was your daughters age.

Weight is such sensitive issue, especially for a young girl. She probably knows she is overweight and feels badly about it. Try and start by being healthy as a family. Making healthy meals and being active together to sort of get things going. Promote health whenever you can. She has to be ready to make the change for herself. She may end up resenting you if it's always down to talks about her weight and trying to push her to lose it. Make it more about the family and getting healthy as opposed to just her and losing weight.

I think you really have two jobs here, and they are both equally important. One is to let her know that she is beautiful and wonderful to you just how she is (not just fine). She is not going to be getting that message out in the world and she needs it from her mom.

The other is to guide her and encourage her as others have said. It's not about her weight, it's about being healthy, eating well and being active. Help her to find active hobbies (running could be good), keep only healthy food around, work on cooking and meal planning together, etc. Have talks with her, make it safe for her to share her thought on health and eating and being active. Be curious about what she thinks about those things. She may be defensive, but if you come from a compassionate place in time I think she will open up.

goalpeace wrote: »

We went to our first counseling appointment and without mentioning anything at all regarding her weight, the Dr. suggested she try exercising because of the effects it has on her mentally. She talked to her about how it will help clear her mind, build confidence, and make clear choices. She said she calls it a natural drug.

This is perfect and exactly the message I want to convey to her. If she can get exercise in her life, EVERYTHING will be better. I know first hand. We are all here for that same exact reason. However, young girls aren't always as in step with accepting our bodies as adult women are.

I've come up with an exercise plan that we will be starting. I will also figure out a good eating plan. If she doesn't lose any weight, It won't matter as long as she is getting mental fitness. However, we know that's not going to happen. She will lose weight and I will be very proud.

Glad the appt went well!

girlviernes wrote: »

I think you really have two jobs here, and they are both equally important. One is to let her know that she is beautiful and wonderful to you just how she is (not just fine). She is not going to be getting that message out in the world and she needs it from her mom.

The other is to guide her and encourage her as others have said. It's not about her weight, it's about being healthy, eating well and being active. Help her to find active hobbies (running could be good), keep only healthy food around, work on cooking and meal planning together, etc. Have talks with her, make it safe for her to share her thought on health and eating and being active. Be curious about what she thinks about those things. She may be defensive, but if you come from a compassionate place in time I think she will open up.

Very true. Good advice.
I think the OP is on the right track. I see she's trying to be proactive and 1) get to the root of the problem NOW before her daughter struggles with this for years (or decades) and 2) knowing that, like it or not, high school is a tough time and if she can avoid her daughter being teased the she's going to try everything she can. I know I'd be the same way.

I haven't read this entire thread, but if you don't read anything else, and take it to heart, I hope you'll read this one. I was overweight, my entire life. My mother, wasn't, until she became and adult. Apparently, she feared it was going to just affect me terribly, and constantly "tried' to get me to lose weight. She'd make comments like, "Those boys looked at you and said, that girl had such a pretty face, but look at all that fat!".

She would do things she *thought* was helping, but in reality, was harmful. I WANTED desperately to be thin. I wanted to be like everyone else. I was angry that I couldn't eat pizza, chips, ice cream, and other things like the rest of my friends and not be fat. I wasn't eating more than anyone else, and truly this isn't an exaggeration.

Trust me when I say, your daughter eating school lunch isn't the issue. And Cross-Country , is this something SHE is interested in? Have you asked her what sports she's interested in and what maybe she'd like to do? Does she like running? If so, that's awesome! Help her train. If not, she's going to resent the hell out of you. Does she enjoy basketball, softball, volleyball, tennis, cheerleading, soccer? There are a lot of sports for young women that are available and she's definitely capable of any of them! It's all about what SHE wants to do. But the big thing is listen to your daughter. Get to know who SHE is.

It's hard enough being a young person, feeling the pressures from your friends, looking at magazines, seeing actors/actresses on TV and in the movies looking a certain way, then wanting to do certain things and feeling excluded because you don't look the part.

I'm a mother myself, now, and I know that you love your daughter, unconditionally. The most important thing you can do is to sit down, and tell her this. Let her KNOW that you love her. Let her KNOW she is a beautiful young woman inside AND out, and that you accept her, just as she is. I understand that you are worried about her health, and it is absolutely a valid concern! However, I think once she realizes that it's really NOT about how heavy she is, or thin she is, that it doesn't matter to you, that what matters is that's happy, she's loved, and she's doing what makes her happy, that she'll be more willing to take the steps WITH you, and the family to make healthier choices.

Another thing, I don't know if she exhibits any of these symptoms listed in this article: todaysdietitian.com/newarchives/100111p58.shtml

I beg you, PLEASE do not ignore it. It doesn't mean that she DOES indeed have PCOS, but it is a very real possibility. In the 70's and 80's, they didn't know what to do for girls like me. Other than to just tell us to "lose weight". Had I been given a diagnosis as a child, it would've made a huge difference in the way I have to live my life. I almost died because I wasn't diagnosed and treated.

Regardless, I wish you the best. I hope that you'll be able to keep the doors of communication open, and really hear what your daughter has to say. Be encouraging of her, and help her good choices. Just like here on MFP, there isn't anything that we can't eat and enjoy, it's about balance. When you feel deprived of something, of course, you're going to hide it, binge on it, or do whatever you've got to do to get it. If your daughter is able to have the things she enjoys, along with things that are healthy for her, it will be a win/win situation. It can, and will work. It will just take time.