How to get my husband to accept me lifting heavy?

GothyFaery
GothyFaery Posts: 762 Member
edited November 8 in Motivation and Support
I wasn't really sure where to put this so sorry if it's in wrong thread. I started stronglifts about a month ago. My husband hasn't really been happy with me lifting but lately it's become more obvious. When I started he told me he didn't want me to get bulky. I tried to explain to him that wouldn't happen accidently and even had him look through a thread on here of women who lift heavy and how they are not bulky but it didn't really do much. It really doesn't help put his mind at ease that the two women I am getting tips from are "bulkier" women.

Now he says it feels like I don't need him anymore. I guess in some ways, he's kind of right. I don't need him to scoop ice cream for me anymore because I'm actually strong enough to do it myself (yes, that really was something I couldn't do a month ago). But that doesn't mean I don't still need him in my life. I'm just capable of doing some things for myself now.

He also told me this weekend that my workouts are getting in the way of our sex life. I workout for 45 minutes 3x a week. I didn't make a fight about it but I know he saw it hurt me when he said it so a few minutes later he said he was just joking. It didn't sound like a joke though.

Now we both have an old fashion mindset (think Stepford). I don't wear pants, I don't allow him to cook dinner, he doesn't allow me to BBQ or take the trash out, you get the idea. Me getting strong doesn't really fit that mindset. We both always felt like a woman should be soft and gentle. I understand now that a woman can be soft and gentle and be strong at the same time but he doesn't.

What can I do to get him to understand, or at least accept, that I'm going to lift weights and I'm going to get strong but nothing else is changing? Any other women out there have this problem?
«134567…12

Replies

  • HollyCatLover
    HollyCatLover Posts: 7 Member
    You both have an old fashioned mindset? That sounds a bit troublesome. Cook some damn BBQ, shove on some pants and get out of the 1940s!
  • arditarose
    arditarose Posts: 15,573 Member
    Wow. I have to think on this for a minute.
  • pinktoesjb
    pinktoesjb Posts: 302 Member
    seriously, what?
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    He feels threatened because you're stepping out of 1954. I don't really know how to guide you, as I don't live the lifestyle you live. Good luck.
  • arditarose
    arditarose Posts: 15,573 Member
    HollyJameson wrote: »
    You both have an old fashioned mindset? That sounds a bit troublesome. Cook some damn BBQ, shove on some pants and get out of the 1940s!

    You're going to hear a lot of this on the thread but don't let it bother you. I think it's cool that you're changing though. You can still be strong, but feminine. You can also BBQ in a dress. Compromise.
  • LazerMole
    LazerMole Posts: 99 Member
    Becoming strong and capable is fundamentally opposite to your previous "deal" with your husband.

    He will have to change his mindset, just as you have, or it's not going to work out. Any issue he's having is likely due to his insecurities, which you likely didn't see much of before, because you were in an arrangement that allowed him to feel like the "strong, capable manly man".

    Now that you are becoming more capable, it is threatening his fragile world view.

    You either need to stop lifting heavy, in order to quell his massive insecurities, or he needs to work through whatever ridiculous ego crisis he's having because you can open a jar now.
  • BellaGowrie
    BellaGowrie Posts: 45 Member
    In the nicest way possible, I think your 'old fashioned' (read: promoting inequality) mindset is the root of this. If you both accept that women should be as you have described, then of course lifting weights (obviously such a manly activity..) won't fit in with those ideals. If you want the freedom to exercise and look like you want, you may want to look into how women have that right, regardless of 'mindset', and it's probably best to accept that your husband will never be okay with you lifting weights since it doesn't fit in with his belief system.
  • Angurla
    Angurla Posts: 159 Member
    If he needs to feel wanted then make him feel that way. Just because you can scoop the ice cream doesn't mean you have to. Maybe let him think you still need him even though you know you can do it :)
  • JenAndSome
    JenAndSome Posts: 1,893 Member
    The best way to get him to accept it is just to keep doing it. You have done all the talking you need to on the subject and you probably aren't going to change his mind with just words anyways. Eventually hopefully he will come around.
  • Mamahana82
    Mamahana82 Posts: 64
    edited October 2014
    He is accustomed to you in an exclusively submissive role. Strength is not a submissive trait. So you are asking us how you can convince him, as his equal, why it is ok for you to be strong. But he clearly doesn't see you as an equal so no argument will work.

    So you really have to decide how much you are willing to give up of yourself so that this man always gets what he wants. Personally, I never would have given my husband that much control over me to begin with.
  • LazerMole
    LazerMole Posts: 99 Member
    Angurla wrote: »
    If he needs to feel wanted then make him feel that way. Just because you can scoop the ice cream doesn't mean you have to. Maybe let him think you still need him even though you know you can do it :)

    Why on earth would she exercise, if not to improve her daily life (including scooping ice cream)? And why on earth should she essentially lie to her husband in order to protect his delicate ego?

    Yuck.

    There are healthier ways to show someone you want/love them beyond feigning helplessness.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
    How does it get in the way of sex life?
  • spicy618
    spicy618 Posts: 2,114 Member
    Interesting... In

  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,744 Member
    I imagine there are going to be a lot of haters on this thread, so don't let that deter you. I personally have a different mind-set than you and your husband do, but might I suggest a compromise? Since you are doing something he sees as "non-traditional" (i.e. threatening) in your relationship, can you see if there's one role or something that he'd like to change or do differently himself? Having a hard time wording it this morning (Monday, and all), but I hope that makes sense.
  • GothyFaery
    GothyFaery Posts: 762 Member
    Angurla wrote: »
    If he needs to feel wanted then make him feel that way. Just because you can scoop the ice cream doesn't mean you have to. Maybe let him think you still need him even though you know you can do it :)

    I've thought about this and I'm trying but it's kind of exciting to me to see what I can do. I try to remind myself to let him do it but sometimes he's busy with other things or just needs a hand. And again, it's nice to know that I can do some things that I couldn't do before.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    Mamahana82 wrote: »
    He is accustomed to you in an exclusively submissive role. Strength is not a submissive trait. So you are asking us how you can convince him, as his equal, why it is ok for you to be strong. But he clearly doesn't see you as an equal so no argument will work.

    So you really have to decide how much you are willing to give up of yourself so that this man always gets what he wants. Personally, I never would have given my husband that much control over me to begin with.

    This was pretty much what I had typed and deleted several times. Spot on.
  • Angurla
    Angurla Posts: 159 Member
    HollyJameson wrote: »
    You both have an old fashioned mindset? That sounds a bit troublesome. Cook some damn BBQ, shove on some pants and get out of the 1940s!

    I don't think her statement asked us if we agree with their mindset. If it works for them then great. I am a strong independent woman. I wear pants and can bbq. Doesn't mean my hubby doesn't still have the basic need to feel like hes the man. Most men need to feel wanted and most women need to feel loved. We were created different. In relationships you have to meet in the middle so both peoples needs are met.
  • arditarose
    arditarose Posts: 15,573 Member
    Angurla wrote: »
    HollyJameson wrote: »
    You both have an old fashioned mindset? That sounds a bit troublesome. Cook some damn BBQ, shove on some pants and get out of the 1940s!

    I don't think her statement asked us if we agree with their mindset. If it works for them then great. I am a strong independent woman. I wear pants and can bbq. Doesn't mean my hubby doesn't still have the basic need to feel like hes the man. Most men need to feel wanted and most women need to feel loved. We were created different. In relationships you have to meet in the middle so both peoples needs are met.

    Yeah, I don't like to criticize peoples relationships as I have an odd one myself. The issue is, she is changing but the ideals of her relationship are not. It is really a big problem.
  • ChasingMyBliss
    ChasingMyBliss Posts: 803 Member
    So... that is you moving him out of his comfort zone. It is necessary to pursue your own interests and your own happiness. Try to communicate with him, and tell him why it is important to you. Do NOT let him decide for you. If you start doing that, resentment will follow. Be strong in mind and body, and ask him to love you as you are!
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • _lyndseybrooke_
    _lyndseybrooke_ Posts: 2,561 Member
    I honestly didn't know people like this existed below the age of 70. Is this traditional lifestyle a religious thing, were you raised in it, or is it just something you chose as an adult? You're 25, don't wear pants, and don't let your husband cook? That's just completely insane to me. Your husband needs to be properly welcomed into this century, and fast. I have no useful advice for you, because this is just boggling my mind.

    1.) He clearly doesn't know much about fitness, and probably knows nothing about women's bodies in regard to fitness. If you can't convince him that women don't bulk up like men when that's a fact, I'm not sure what to tell you. A man that doesn't listen to reason is something I simply couldn't and wouldn't put up with.

    2.) He's clearly very insecure and quite possibly controlling. You don't need me to scoop your damn ice cream for you, so that means you don't need me around? That's just crazy. I don't NEED my husband to survive, but I keep him around because I WANT him there. Complete dependence on another person? No, ma'am. We're adults and we can take care of ourselves, and that includes making our own dinner and scooping our own ice cream. If he doesn't like it, he can get over it.

    3.) The sex comment really bothers me. You work out for 2.25 hours per week, leaving 165.75 hours left over. And that bothers him because he feels like he's getting it less often? If it were me, I'd tell him he could suck it, because that's ridiculous. If he's not getting it enough from me, he can feel free to get it elsewhere, as long as he picks up all of his belongings from the curb once he's done.

    My husband would never say any of this to me. I can't imagine how it would feel to have a partner that's not supportive of your goals. He should be ashamed of himself, and you need to pull up the big girl panties and tell him how it is.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
    Angurla wrote: »
    HollyJameson wrote: »
    You both have an old fashioned mindset? That sounds a bit troublesome. Cook some damn BBQ, shove on some pants and get out of the 1940s!

    I don't think her statement asked us if we agree with their mindset. If it works for them then great. I am a strong independent woman. I wear pants and can bbq. Doesn't mean my hubby doesn't still have the basic need to feel like hes the man. Most men need to feel wanted and most women need to feel loved. We were created different. In relationships you have to meet in the middle so both peoples needs are met.

    This should be done between the sheets, not in the kitchen.
  • llUndecidedll
    llUndecidedll Posts: 724 Member
    It's about compromise, so if he were to come around and meet you half way.... what would you change/drop to meet him half way?


  • GothyFaery
    GothyFaery Posts: 762 Member
    edited October 2014
    Let me just put this out there. My husband loves me dearly. He respects me and treats me like a princess. He opens doors for me. He does everything I was taught a man should do for a woman. Just because we have a 1950's mindset doesn't mean we aren't equils. I'm sorry if you don't agree with it but I'm not asking you to agree. I will always dream of being the perfect Stepford wife. It's what I want. That doesn't mean I can't lift weights though. I really didn't think this would be this big of a can of worms. I really just wanted to know if there was some way I can get him to not resent me lifting. I guess not. I guess it's just something he's got to get used to.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    GothyFaery wrote: »
    Let me just put this out there. My husband loves me dearly. He respects me and treats me like a princess. He opens doors for me. He does everything I was taught a man should do for a woman. Just because we have a 1950's mindset doesn't mean we aren't equils. I'm sorry if you don't agree with it but I'm not asking you to agree. I will always dream of being the perfect Stepford wife. It's what I want. That doesn't mean I can't lift weights though. I really didn't think this would be this big of a can of worms. I really just wanted to know if there was some way I can get him to not resent me lifting. I guess not. I guess it's just something he's got to get used to.

    You have a specific lifestyle; one where women lifting weights typically doesn't fit in, so it's hard to give you any kind of advice.
  • arditarose
    arditarose Posts: 15,573 Member
    But if you want to be a stepford wife AND you want to lift weights, it's a bit of a conundrum. Maybe you're changing.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
    GothyFaery wrote: »
    Let me just put this out there. My husband loves me dearly. He respects me and treats me like a princess. He opens doors for me. He does everything I was taught a man should do for a woman. Just because we have a 1950's mindset doesn't mean we aren't equils. I'm sorry if you don't agree with it but I'm not asking you to agree. I will always dream of being the perfect Stepford wife. It's what I want. That doesn't mean I can't lift weights though. I really didn't think this would be this big of a can of worms. I really just wanted to know if there was some way I can get him to not resent me lifting. I guess not. I guess it's just something he's got to get used to.

    Actually, that is what it means. "Stepford wives" don't tell their husbands "too bad, I'm going to do what I want."

    It's decision time. Do you give it up to make him happy, or do you risk his resentment for something that makes you happy? I almost feel like it's unfair to the husband, just because this is not the person you used to be. Is it something he can get used to? I'm sure he still loves you, but you're asking him to accept something he never saw coming.
  • ILiftHeavyAcrylics
    ILiftHeavyAcrylics Posts: 27,732 Member
    Assuming that nothing else changes in your mindset, and the only thing that remains different for him is that you lift 3x/week, I think he'll adjust and be fine. Right now it's new and scary and he's worried everything is going to change about your relationship. If that doesn't happen, he'll likely calm down.

    That said, it may not actually be the case that nothing else changes. When you change your mindset and becoming strong becomes a priority it has a tendency to change the way you see a lot of other things. So the best advice I can give you is to keep communicating and working things out.
  • Mamahana82
    Mamahana82 Posts: 64
    GothyFaery wrote: »
    Let me just put this out there. My husband loves me dearly. He respects me and treats me like a princess. He opens doors for me. He does everything I was taught a man should do for a woman. Just because we have a 1950's mindset doesn't mean we aren't equils. I'm sorry if you don't agree with it but I'm not asking you to agree. I will always dream of being the perfect Stepford wife. It's what I want. That doesn't mean I can't lift weights though. I really didn't think this would be this big of a can of worms. I really just wanted to know if there was some way I can get him to not resent me lifting. I guess not. I guess it's just something he's got to get used to.

    It kinda DOES mean you can't lift, if this is the type of relationship you have.

  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    Just break up.
This discussion has been closed.

Categories