How to get my husband to accept me lifting heavy?

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  • _lyndseybrooke_
    _lyndseybrooke_ Posts: 2,561 Member
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    I honestly didn't know people like this existed below the age of 70. Is this traditional lifestyle a religious thing, were you raised in it, or is it just something you chose as an adult? You're 25, don't wear pants, and don't let your husband cook? That's just completely insane to me. Your husband needs to be properly welcomed into this century, and fast. I have no useful advice for you, because this is just boggling my mind.

    1.) He clearly doesn't know much about fitness, and probably knows nothing about women's bodies in regard to fitness. If you can't convince him that women don't bulk up like men when that's a fact, I'm not sure what to tell you. A man that doesn't listen to reason is something I simply couldn't and wouldn't put up with.

    2.) He's clearly very insecure and quite possibly controlling. You don't need me to scoop your damn ice cream for you, so that means you don't need me around? That's just crazy. I don't NEED my husband to survive, but I keep him around because I WANT him there. Complete dependence on another person? No, ma'am. We're adults and we can take care of ourselves, and that includes making our own dinner and scooping our own ice cream. If he doesn't like it, he can get over it.

    3.) The sex comment really bothers me. You work out for 2.25 hours per week, leaving 165.75 hours left over. And that bothers him because he feels like he's getting it less often? If it were me, I'd tell him he could suck it, because that's ridiculous. If he's not getting it enough from me, he can feel free to get it elsewhere, as long as he picks up all of his belongings from the curb once he's done.

    My husband would never say any of this to me. I can't imagine how it would feel to have a partner that's not supportive of your goals. He should be ashamed of himself, and you need to pull up the big girl panties and tell him how it is.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
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    Angurla wrote: »
    HollyJameson wrote: »
    You both have an old fashioned mindset? That sounds a bit troublesome. Cook some damn BBQ, shove on some pants and get out of the 1940s!

    I don't think her statement asked us if we agree with their mindset. If it works for them then great. I am a strong independent woman. I wear pants and can bbq. Doesn't mean my hubby doesn't still have the basic need to feel like hes the man. Most men need to feel wanted and most women need to feel loved. We were created different. In relationships you have to meet in the middle so both peoples needs are met.

    This should be done between the sheets, not in the kitchen.
  • llUndecidedll
    llUndecidedll Posts: 724 Member
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    It's about compromise, so if he were to come around and meet you half way.... what would you change/drop to meet him half way?


  • GothyFaery
    GothyFaery Posts: 762 Member
    edited October 2014
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    Let me just put this out there. My husband loves me dearly. He respects me and treats me like a princess. He opens doors for me. He does everything I was taught a man should do for a woman. Just because we have a 1950's mindset doesn't mean we aren't equils. I'm sorry if you don't agree with it but I'm not asking you to agree. I will always dream of being the perfect Stepford wife. It's what I want. That doesn't mean I can't lift weights though. I really didn't think this would be this big of a can of worms. I really just wanted to know if there was some way I can get him to not resent me lifting. I guess not. I guess it's just something he's got to get used to.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
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    GothyFaery wrote: »
    Let me just put this out there. My husband loves me dearly. He respects me and treats me like a princess. He opens doors for me. He does everything I was taught a man should do for a woman. Just because we have a 1950's mindset doesn't mean we aren't equils. I'm sorry if you don't agree with it but I'm not asking you to agree. I will always dream of being the perfect Stepford wife. It's what I want. That doesn't mean I can't lift weights though. I really didn't think this would be this big of a can of worms. I really just wanted to know if there was some way I can get him to not resent me lifting. I guess not. I guess it's just something he's got to get used to.

    You have a specific lifestyle; one where women lifting weights typically doesn't fit in, so it's hard to give you any kind of advice.
  • arditarose
    arditarose Posts: 15,575 Member
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    But if you want to be a stepford wife AND you want to lift weights, it's a bit of a conundrum. Maybe you're changing.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
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    GothyFaery wrote: »
    Let me just put this out there. My husband loves me dearly. He respects me and treats me like a princess. He opens doors for me. He does everything I was taught a man should do for a woman. Just because we have a 1950's mindset doesn't mean we aren't equils. I'm sorry if you don't agree with it but I'm not asking you to agree. I will always dream of being the perfect Stepford wife. It's what I want. That doesn't mean I can't lift weights though. I really didn't think this would be this big of a can of worms. I really just wanted to know if there was some way I can get him to not resent me lifting. I guess not. I guess it's just something he's got to get used to.

    Actually, that is what it means. "Stepford wives" don't tell their husbands "too bad, I'm going to do what I want."

    It's decision time. Do you give it up to make him happy, or do you risk his resentment for something that makes you happy? I almost feel like it's unfair to the husband, just because this is not the person you used to be. Is it something he can get used to? I'm sure he still loves you, but you're asking him to accept something he never saw coming.
  • ILiftHeavyAcrylics
    ILiftHeavyAcrylics Posts: 27,732 Member
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    Assuming that nothing else changes in your mindset, and the only thing that remains different for him is that you lift 3x/week, I think he'll adjust and be fine. Right now it's new and scary and he's worried everything is going to change about your relationship. If that doesn't happen, he'll likely calm down.

    That said, it may not actually be the case that nothing else changes. When you change your mindset and becoming strong becomes a priority it has a tendency to change the way you see a lot of other things. So the best advice I can give you is to keep communicating and working things out.
  • Mamahana82
    Mamahana82 Posts: 64
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    GothyFaery wrote: »
    Let me just put this out there. My husband loves me dearly. He respects me and treats me like a princess. He opens doors for me. He does everything I was taught a man should do for a woman. Just because we have a 1950's mindset doesn't mean we aren't equils. I'm sorry if you don't agree with it but I'm not asking you to agree. I will always dream of being the perfect Stepford wife. It's what I want. That doesn't mean I can't lift weights though. I really didn't think this would be this big of a can of worms. I really just wanted to know if there was some way I can get him to not resent me lifting. I guess not. I guess it's just something he's got to get used to.

    It kinda DOES mean you can't lift, if this is the type of relationship you have.

  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
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    Just break up.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    hollydubs85 wrote: »
    How does it get in the way of sex life?

    good question... me exercising regularly has improved mine greatly!
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    My only advice is to stop seeing each other as archetypes -- and try seeing each other as actual people.

    You are not a Stepford wife. Your husband isn't Man of the House. Those are roles you've taken on to satisfy needs that were once mutual but are now changing -- at least for you. Your husband can choose to accept this and embrace you as a fully developed, multifaceted, complex person ---- or he can lament your new found interest "changed" you and sulk.





  • LoneWolfRunner
    LoneWolfRunner Posts: 1,160 Member
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    Based upon your profile pictures, you look a bit younger than him. This is not about lifting and getting bulky. This is about you getting thinner and sexier. He is just feeling insecure because he knows that men are going to start paying attention to his young hot wife. When he sees that you still choose him and want to be with him, I think he will relax. And if the nature of your relationship involves have having set traditional roles and the two of you find that it works for you, then why change it?
  • AglaeaC
    AglaeaC Posts: 1,974 Member
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    I'd only bring forth the health aspect of it. There is absolutely nothing undesirable about wanting a body that is healthy, strong and capable. You can even mention that it will work wonders for your performance in the bedroom, since that seems to be something the two of you enjoy. Again, health health health; you will increase the likelihood of living longer, you'll avoid osteoporosis, you'll carry yourself better if you focus on good posture, and so on. Because to be able to keep lifting, you need to eat in a healthful manner, so not even that is bad. And your lifting is some healthy "me time", which you need for your mental balance. Would this package work?
  • Some_Watery_Tart
    Some_Watery_Tart Posts: 2,250 Member
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    You're an adult in a free country. Do what you want. He can accept it or not, since he's also an adult in a free country.

    And if you'd like to avoid the "can of worms" in the future, I would suggest you avoid using the term "Stepford wife". It's not considered a positive thing. It was a horror story. Maybe June Cleaver would be more appropriate.
  • jackpotclown
    jackpotclown Posts: 3,291 Member
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    As silly as it may sound, don't tell him what you're doing....let everything else go as it has...and if there's something heavy to be lifted, have him do it....I think the fear is much greater than the reality of your situation, so make it like nothing has changed \m/
  • cbhubbybubble
    cbhubbybubble Posts: 465 Member
    edited October 2014
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    I believe people can choose whatever types of roles work for them in their marriage as long as both are content with it and it's not abusive....the problem you're running into is you're changing it up and he's not coming along. Sounds like your beliefs and wants are changing and his, so far, are not. The only way he can accept is if he starts massaging his beliefs a little. People can change their beliefs, but it takes time and effort. Talk about how he's feeling and what he's thinking and get him to start challenging the beliefs that are causing him issues. It won't happen overnight, but if he wants to keep the relationship, he'll make some progress. If he doesn't make effort to change his beliefs at least a little, you're headed for trouble, because it sounds to me like you're enjoying the realization of some independence and if he gets in the way of that too much for too long, I see you resenting it.
  • ILiftHeavyAcrylics
    ILiftHeavyAcrylics Posts: 27,732 Member
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    AglaeaC wrote: »
    I'd only bring forth the health aspect of it. There is absolutely nothing undesirable about wanting a body that is healthy, strong and capable. You can even mention that it will work wonders for your performance in the bedroom, since that seems to be something the two of you enjoy. Again, health health health; you will increase the likelihood of living longer, you'll avoid osteoporosis, you'll carry yourself better if you focus on good posture, and so on. Because to be able to keep lifting, you need to eat in a healthful manner, so not even that is bad. And your lifting is some healthy "me time", which you need for your mental balance. Would this package work?

    This is good advice too.
  • Strange_magic
    Strange_magic Posts: 370 Member
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    jackpotclown wrote: »
    As silly as it may sound, don't tell him what you're doing....let everything else go as it has...and if there's something heavy to be lifted, have him do it....I think the fear is much greater than the reality of your situation, so make it like nothing has changed \m/

    I agree with this. My husband has always been a bit resistant to my lifting, he has certain "ideas" of what a female who lifts looks like. Those ideas don't mesh with what he wants.
    SOooooooooo. I just do the damn thing and don't worry about talking to him much about it.
  • leggup
    leggup Posts: 2,942 Member
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    GothyFaery wrote: »
    My husband loves me dearly. He respects me and treats me like a princess. He opens doors for me. He does everything I was taught a man should do for a woman. Just because we have a 1950's mindset doesn't mean we aren't equils.

    He isn't respecting your desire to improve your body in a totally healthy way. He's being passive aggressive. He's criticizing you. He's telling you your totally reasonable amount of you time (45 mins 3X) is hurting your relationship as a "joke?" He's not being a man about this. He's acting threatened and being a bit of a bully. He sounds very immature.

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