How to get my husband to accept me lifting heavy?

hollydubs85 wrote: »

OP, sounds like he needs to prove to you that he's still the man in the house and pick up some weights himself. The second I started getting stronger, my husband started lifting so that he would still be stronger than me.

Mine said it was so that he would still be hotter then me.... he's such and @ss, but I love him anyways. :laugh:

GothyFaery wrote: »

Some_Watery_Tart wrote: »

And if you'd like to avoid the "can of worms" in the future, I would suggest you avoid using the term "Stepford wife". It's not considered a positive thing. It was a horror story. Maybe June Cleaver would be more appropriate.

I'm sorry, I don't see the term Stepford wife as anything negitive. It would be the biggest compliment to me if someone said I was a Stepford wife. I didn't think I was the only one who thought this way.

Have you ever seen The Stepford Wives (or read the book)? Stepford was a dystopian, gated community where the wives were systematically replaced by (or turned into) robots that did the man's every whim without thought or question. Many of the women were formerly activists or otherwise very independent women. They were stripped of all independent personality, against their will.

Being a "Stepford wife" is in no way, shape or form a good thing, and has never been. To say that you're a "Stepford wife" means, by definition, that you've been stripped of all independence, both in thought and action. Is that something you really want?

As someone else mentioned, you're probably thinking more along the lines of June Cleaver -- a 50s era housewife who's chosen and is happy with that way of life.

I think the biggest problem here is that you two have an underlying gap in communication. It's going to suck, but you guys really need to sit down and have a good long talk about what each of you wants out of your relationship. You both need to accept that you're going to change, and in order to thrive, your relationship needs to change and adapt, accordingly. This does not mean that you need to give up your submissive role, just because you've taken to weight lifting, and you need to communicate that to him.

Also, ask him, straight up, what it is that he's afraid of by you lifting weights, and "you getting bulky" isn't enough. You've already provided him with all the information that you can to show him that that's not going to happen overnight or by accident. Odds are, there's something deeper, and if he can't tell you what's really bothering him, then your relationship is on very shaky ground. Because of the age difference, I lay odds on him afraid you're going to leave him for someone younger and fitter. If that's the case, the "hot lady lifters" you showed him only made that fear worse, not better, because he got a glimpse of how you'd look. He wasn't as overtly afraid of that before, because you weren't as in-shape (and shapely) as you're getting now, so he felt less threatened by the prospect of other men trying to "steal" you. (I actually had a friend who dealt with this with his wife. She got insanely jealous when they lost weight, because she was afraid he'd leave her for someone else. He stopped being my workout buddy and we barely talk because of it, and I wasn't even interested in him like that.)

You might want to research dominant/submissive (D/s) relationships. It might help you open the channels of communication (communication is highly valued in the D/s rings, for the safety of everyone involved), and provide a way to show that you are choosing to be submissive to him, but that it doesn't mean you have to be physically weak or fundamentally dependent on him, and that it, in fact, may make you even better at your job of submissive/Cleaver wife.

I have gotten the comment from my husband that my gym schedule impacts our relationship- I go straight from work to the gym, get home around 8 or 9, am kind of gross, shower....by the time we really see each other, I am in pjs, glasses, no makeup, and with a Turbie Twist on my head.

We adjusted this by working out together on some evenings (usually 2 nights per week, a Tuesday and Friday), and on one evening I go to the gym while he plays in a basketball league (Thursday). I lift on my own time (typically Wednesday and Sunday), but my early weekend workouts were a nuisance to both of us, so I adjusted my schedule and get to sleep in.

We share a lot of the house based stuff (I am a good cook, and he is...not so much)....he will chop veggies, I usually prepare most of the food and do more of the grocery shopping than he does, he does dishes, and we share laundry duties.

He now knows that I have my routine, and am getting stronger and more fit and he appreciates that. Sometimes I can get a little TOO into it, and he will nicely ask me to take it down a notch. But what exactly doesn't your husband like? Mine thinks it is cool that I am getting stronger and it is noticeable, while still looking feminine.

Sharon_C wrote: »

Mamahana82 wrote: »

He is accustomed to you in an exclusively submissive role. Strength is not a submissive trait. So you are asking us how you can convince him, as his equal, why it is ok for you to be strong. But he clearly doesn't see you as an equal so no argument will work.

So you really have to decide how much you are willing to give up of yourself so that this man always gets what he wants. Personally, I never would have given my husband that much control over me to begin with.

This exactly.

I'm also trying to figure out how you do strong lifts in a skirt.

Perhaps OP has purchased running skirts or tennis skirts?

OP, basically what you're doing appears to your husband to be threatening his preferred way of life. He may be feeling additionally off balance because he obviously had good reason to believe that his preferred way of life is also your preferred way of life, so this 'attack' is coming from a completely unexpected direction.

My suggestion is to just not bring it up unless necessary. Live life like you have been, since it doesn't sound like you're the type to rub his nose in your newfound capabilities just because you can. Be patient. He'll realize soon enough that his way of life really hasn't changed all that much (and has probably even improved) and he'll come around. At least to the point that he doesn't complain about the lifting.

If he doesn't, then I'd have to conclude that the reason is because he is a complete and utter control freak and that would be a whole 'nother can of worms.

OP, I guess I want to know if you knew Stepford Wives were robots?

A lot of people idealize the 50's as an idealistic time where things were simpler. Things were perhaps simpler because people had fewer choices.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to make your husband feel good -- but that shouldn't be to your own detriment. Relationships are about compromise and balance -- but in a Stepford situation, there is a very clear imbalance of power.

LoneWolfRunner wrote: »

Based upon your profile pictures, you look a bit younger than him. This is not about lifting and getting bulky. This is about you getting thinner and sexier. He is just feeling insecure because he knows that men are going to start paying attention to his young hot wife. When he sees that you still choose him and want to be with him, I think he will relax. And if the nature of your relationship involves have having set traditional roles and the two of you find that it works for you, then why change it?

I think that this is pretty much it.

OP, if you want to maintain this type of relationship, let your husband scoop the ice cream, etc. when he is around the way you always have. Once he sees that you can do those things but are choosing not to because you still like him to do them, I would think he would come around on the weight lifting issue. I'm sure that he is feeling a bit insecure and thinking "oh no, she won't need me as much" now that you are making these changes. He just needs to get past that and see that while you don't need him do that stuff, you still want him to do it, and that's more of a compliment anyway, right?

GothyFaery wrote: »

Dragonwolf wrote: »

GothyFaery wrote: »

Some_Watery_Tart wrote: »

And if you'd like to avoid the "can of worms" in the future, I would suggest you avoid using the term "Stepford wife". It's not considered a positive thing. It was a horror story. Maybe June Cleaver would be more appropriate.

I'm sorry, I don't see the term Stepford wife as anything negitive. It would be the biggest compliment to me if someone said I was a Stepford wife. I didn't think I was the only one who thought this way.

Have you ever seen The Stepford Wives (or read the book)? Stepford was a dystopian, gated community where the wives were systematically replaced by (or turned into) robots that did the man's every whim without thought or question. Many of the women were formerly activists or otherwise very independent women. They were stripped of all independent personality, against their will.

Being a "Stepford wife" is in no way, shape or form a good thing, and has never been. To say that you're a "Stepford wife" means, by definition, that you've been stripped of all independence, both in thought and action. Is that something you really want?

Yes, I like the movies and the book. To me being a Stepford wife doesn't mean having no control (because they can't make me a robot). It means being everything my husband wants and making him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile. The Stepford wife ideal to me is basically being the perfect wife. I don't see it negitivly and I really thought more women thought this way. I guess I was wrong.

You understand that your husband isn't giving you the same level of support you idealize giving him though and that's what we're all reacting to, right?

The only question I have is....do you put the toothpaste on his toothbrush? Igloo?

All kidding aside, I don't see how lifting weights needs to change the dynamic. If it did change the dynamic, and you still wanted to lift weights, then you two have to get on the same page. There's no way that anyone here is going to be able to help you find ways to get him to accept it. He either does, or he doesn't. The rest is up to you.

Clean and press him until he says sorry.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics wrote: »

Assuming that nothing else changes in your mindset, and the only thing that remains different for him is that you lift 3x/week, I think he'll adjust and be fine. Right now it's new and scary and he's worried everything is going to change about your relationship. If that doesn't happen, he'll likely calm down.

That said, it may not actually be the case that nothing else changes. When you change your mindset and becoming strong becomes a priority it has a tendency to change the way you see a lot of other things. So the best advice I can give you is to keep communicating and working things out.

I strongly agree with this. It doesn't necessarily mean big scary changes, but it might appear so to him.

It's not about the lifting. You're changing and he's threatened by that. The next thing you know you'll be wanting to vote, drink, smoke, maybe have a career, or, God forbid, wear pants!

GothyFaery wrote: »

RoseyDgirl wrote: »

I have a lot more reading to do, but in case the question wasn't asked -
-
- What would be different if you were gone for the same amount of time to do a treadmill or spinning routine?
-
- If you were signed up for 3 sessions at the gym to 'get cardio' - would he be supportive of your time at the gym for this?
-
- And if this is a yes, why not tell him your doing a cardio routine, and then just stay 30 minutes later to do your lifting program?
-
- Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to tell him what happens during every minute of the day. Tell him about the new friends you make at Zumba class, and enjoy your weights as your 'little' secret.
-

Well I work out at home and we don't have a treadmill so he might get a little suspicious. Also I don't believe in lying to my husband, even little white lies. I tell him everything. And finally, besides when we are at work, we are very rarely ever separated. We carpool to work together, we go grocery shopping together, we don't go out without each other. I married him because I want to be with him. We even do Christmas shopping online because we are basically never apart long enough to buy eachother anything.

So, is he reading this thread right now then?

"How can I get my sexist husband to be less sexist but still stay sort of sexist like I am?" /facepalm

GothyFaery wrote: »

itsfuntobenormal wrote: »

GothyFaery wrote: »

Dragonwolf wrote: »

GothyFaery wrote: »

Some_Watery_Tart wrote: »

And if you'd like to avoid the "can of worms" in the future, I would suggest you avoid using the term "Stepford wife". It's not considered a positive thing. It was a horror story. Maybe June Cleaver would be more appropriate.

I'm sorry, I don't see the term Stepford wife as anything negitive. It would be the biggest compliment to me if someone said I was a Stepford wife. I didn't think I was the only one who thought this way.

Have you ever seen The Stepford Wives (or read the book)? Stepford was a dystopian, gated community where the wives were systematically replaced by (or turned into) robots that did the man's every whim without thought or question. Many of the women were formerly activists or otherwise very independent women. They were stripped of all independent personality, against their will.

Being a "Stepford wife" is in no way, shape or form a good thing, and has never been. To say that you're a "Stepford wife" means, by definition, that you've been stripped of all independence, both in thought and action. Is that something you really want?

Yes, I like the movies and the book. To me being a Stepford wife doesn't mean having no control (because they can't make me a robot). It means being everything my husband wants and making him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile. The Stepford wife ideal to me is basically being the perfect wife. I don't see it negitivly and I really thought more women thought this way. I guess I was wrong.

You understand that your husband isn't giving you the same level of support you idealize giving him though and that's what we're all reacting to, right?

He gives me that level of support in every other aspect of our lives. That's why I made this post. I've never come across this side of him and I don't know how to handle it. I just want him to understand that me lifting isn't changing anything about our relationship. I still need and want him and I always will.

You have never come across it because you have always conformed. It is changing your relationship because you are doing something he is not happy with.

You are only 25. You will change how you feel about your various roles in your life many times. Hopefully he will learn to accept these changes because allowing each other room to grow can actually be a very lovely sharing experience. This is good practice for you both. Maybe start defining yourself with a little less rigidity.