How to get my husband to accept me lifting heavy?
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GothyFaery wrote: »Let me just put this out there. My husband loves me dearly. He respects me and treats me like a princess. He opens doors for me. He does everything I was taught a man should do for a woman. Just because we have a 1950's mindset doesn't mean we aren't equils. I'm sorry if you don't agree with it but I'm not asking you to agree. I will always dream of being the perfect Stepford wife. It's what I want. That doesn't mean I can't lift weights though.
Too bad. Stepford wives don't get to demand anything. They don't get to make their husbands unhappy by going against their decisions. Do you even know where the phrase 'Stepford wife' comes from? Do yourself a favour and read a book some time.
And uh your husband doesn't respect you if he doesn't want you to be capable of scooping your own icecream. If he actually respected you, then he'd respect that you want to lift. He doesn't - he likes having a weak, submissive throwback of a wife. Which uh if that works for you then carry on your wild way, but don't start complaining when *reality* intrudes - the reality that your husband doesn't think of you as an equal.0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »itsfuntobenormal wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Dragonwolf wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Some_Watery_Tart wrote: »And if you'd like to avoid the "can of worms" in the future, I would suggest you avoid using the term "Stepford wife". It's not considered a positive thing. It was a horror story. Maybe June Cleaver would be more appropriate.
I'm sorry, I don't see the term Stepford wife as anything negitive. It would be the biggest compliment to me if someone said I was a Stepford wife. I didn't think I was the only one who thought this way.
Have you ever seen The Stepford Wives (or read the book)? Stepford was a dystopian, gated community where the wives were systematically replaced by (or turned into) robots that did the man's every whim without thought or question. Many of the women were formerly activists or otherwise very independent women. They were stripped of all independent personality, against their will.
Being a "Stepford wife" is in no way, shape or form a good thing, and has never been. To say that you're a "Stepford wife" means, by definition, that you've been stripped of all independence, both in thought and action. Is that something you really want?
Yes, I like the movies and the book. To me being a Stepford wife doesn't mean having no control (because they can't make me a robot). It means being everything my husband wants and making him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile. The Stepford wife ideal to me is basically being the perfect wife. I don't see it negitivly and I really thought more women thought this way. I guess I was wrong.
You understand that your husband isn't giving you the same level of support you idealize giving him though and that's what we're all reacting to, right?
He gives me that level of support in every other aspect of our lives. That's why I made this post. I've never come across this side of him and I don't know how to handle it. I just want him to understand that me lifting isn't changing anything about our relationship. I still need and want him and I always will.
You have never come across it because you have always conformed. It is changing your relationship because you are doing something he is not happy with.
^ This right here.
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Buy some sexier 'lifting undies'
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GothyFaery wrote: »Dragonwolf wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Some_Watery_Tart wrote: »And if you'd like to avoid the "can of worms" in the future, I would suggest you avoid using the term "Stepford wife". It's not considered a positive thing. It was a horror story. Maybe June Cleaver would be more appropriate.
I'm sorry, I don't see the term Stepford wife as anything negitive. It would be the biggest compliment to me if someone said I was a Stepford wife. I didn't think I was the only one who thought this way.
Have you ever seen The Stepford Wives (or read the book)? Stepford was a dystopian, gated community where the wives were systematically replaced by (or turned into) robots that did the man's every whim without thought or question. Many of the women were formerly activists or otherwise very independent women. They were stripped of all independent personality, against their will.
Being a "Stepford wife" is in no way, shape or form a good thing, and has never been. To say that you're a "Stepford wife" means, by definition, that you've been stripped of all independence, both in thought and action. Is that something you really want?
Yes, I like the movies and the book. To me being a Stepford wife doesn't mean having no control (because they can't make me a robot). It means being everything my husband wants and making him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile. The Stepford wife ideal to me is basically being the perfect wife. I don't see it negitivly and I really thought more women thought this way. I guess I was wrong.
the problem is that the situation is entirely too rigid for any kind of compromise. if you've shown him that women don't just ~get bulky~ and he's still against you lifting in the face of pure fact, it sounds like its either a control issue or insecurity on his part [or a combination of the two]. that is what you will have to deal with. he's probably worried you'll leave him for a younger, more fit guy. work on conquering his fears, would be my suggestion.0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »
Yes, I like the movies and the book. To me being a Stepford wife doesn't mean having no control (because they can't make me a robot). It means being everything my husband wants and making him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile. The Stepford wife ideal to me is basically being the perfect wife. I don't see it negitivly and I really thought more women thought this way. I guess I was wrong.
While it is normal to want to please your spouse, it is unrealistic to think that anyone can "make him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile" absolutely all of the time. Because people are not perfect. What happens when something happens and you fail to do something? Does he react negatively? Do you beat yourself up about it? Also, people do change and grow as people. Sometimes interests change through the years. Are you going to suppress your own wishes in exchange for his happiness? Or are you going to develop a relationship where it is okay to have different interests?
He doesn't get upset when my goal of being the perfect wife fails. In fact, he doesn't really understand why I think I need to be either. I do feel horrible when I can't be the perfect wife. No, I don't plan to stop lifting because he isn't happy about it. I would like to find a way for us to both be happy.0 -
[/quote]
He gives me that level of support in every other aspect of our lives. That's why I made this post. I've never come across this side of him and I don't know how to handle it. I just want him to understand that me lifting isn't changing anything about our relationship. I still need and want him and I always will. [/quote]
I haven't read all of the replies. I do somewhat understand where you are coming from though. I think it is natural, in a good relationship, to care about the other person and to put their thoughts/feelings/happiness high on your priority list. That being said, he should feel equally concerned with your happiness. If he indeed is concerned then you need to express to him how important lifting is to you. Come at it from the angle of how much better you feel about yourself because of the lifting. My DH knows that I love lifting and though we are in a relationship that is far more conservative than ones expressed here, he is very supportive. Why? He knows that it makes me feel more comfortable in my own skin. That is only going to benefit one's sex life, not hinder it.
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I think the best thing to do that will fit with your lifestyle is (and this is some old fashioned marriage advice that I've heard):
Make love with him EVERY night.
Seems like that will solve your problems.
Good luck! *flower for you emoticon that doesn't exist anymore for some reason*0 -
OP, I give you credit for having the balls to post this thread, kudos to you! I am approaching 50 (double your age) and I have never been in the "stepford wife" mindset... but that's irrelevant.
You have to do what makes you happy and if lifting makes you happy, then do it. Your hubby should not interfere. I betcha he just feels insecure since you are considerably younger than him. Try and make him understand, there is no other way.0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »itsfuntobenormal wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Dragonwolf wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Some_Watery_Tart wrote: »And if you'd like to avoid the "can of worms" in the future, I would suggest you avoid using the term "Stepford wife". It's not considered a positive thing. It was a horror story. Maybe June Cleaver would be more appropriate.
I'm sorry, I don't see the term Stepford wife as anything negitive. It would be the biggest compliment to me if someone said I was a Stepford wife. I didn't think I was the only one who thought this way.
Have you ever seen The Stepford Wives (or read the book)? Stepford was a dystopian, gated community where the wives were systematically replaced by (or turned into) robots that did the man's every whim without thought or question. Many of the women were formerly activists or otherwise very independent women. They were stripped of all independent personality, against their will.
Being a "Stepford wife" is in no way, shape or form a good thing, and has never been. To say that you're a "Stepford wife" means, by definition, that you've been stripped of all independence, both in thought and action. Is that something you really want?
Yes, I like the movies and the book. To me being a Stepford wife doesn't mean having no control (because they can't make me a robot). It means being everything my husband wants and making him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile. The Stepford wife ideal to me is basically being the perfect wife. I don't see it negitivly and I really thought more women thought this way. I guess I was wrong.
You understand that your husband isn't giving you the same level of support you idealize giving him though and that's what we're all reacting to, right?
He gives me that level of support in every other aspect of our lives. That's why I made this post. I've never come across this side of him and I don't know how to handle it. I just want him to understand that me lifting isn't changing anything about our relationship. I still need and want him and I always will.
You have never come across it because you have always conformed. It is changing your relationship because you are doing something he is not happy with.
You are changing; therefore, your relationship is changing. You are no longer the teenager he met and married. You are growing, maturing, developing, as any young woman should. He is not comfortable with this change and who you are becoming.0 -
gothy, it sounds like a wonderful relationship that you love each other so much that you don't drive each other crazy with all that togetherness.
(sorry, single girl mind-set, I've been too independent for a very long time, and even too much seeing of my best friends would drive me batty.)
that said, how do you fit in time with your girlfriends? Surely you have some time to do girls things, mani-pedis, dinners out to catch up, dancing? ... what about when he goes out to see his friends?
How can anyone NOT have alone time????? I'm freaking out just thinking of that being a possibility. A person's got to have some boundries (even being married), right?
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GothyFaery wrote: »itsfuntobenormal wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Dragonwolf wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Some_Watery_Tart wrote: »And if you'd like to avoid the "can of worms" in the future, I would suggest you avoid using the term "Stepford wife". It's not considered a positive thing. It was a horror story. Maybe June Cleaver would be more appropriate.
I'm sorry, I don't see the term Stepford wife as anything negitive. It would be the biggest compliment to me if someone said I was a Stepford wife. I didn't think I was the only one who thought this way.
Have you ever seen The Stepford Wives (or read the book)? Stepford was a dystopian, gated community where the wives were systematically replaced by (or turned into) robots that did the man's every whim without thought or question. Many of the women were formerly activists or otherwise very independent women. They were stripped of all independent personality, against their will.
Being a "Stepford wife" is in no way, shape or form a good thing, and has never been. To say that you're a "Stepford wife" means, by definition, that you've been stripped of all independence, both in thought and action. Is that something you really want?
Yes, I like the movies and the book. To me being a Stepford wife doesn't mean having no control (because they can't make me a robot). It means being everything my husband wants and making him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile. The Stepford wife ideal to me is basically being the perfect wife. I don't see it negitivly and I really thought more women thought this way. I guess I was wrong.
You understand that your husband isn't giving you the same level of support you idealize giving him though and that's what we're all reacting to, right?
He gives me that level of support in every other aspect of our lives. That's why I made this post. I've never come across this side of him and I don't know how to handle it. I just want him to understand that me lifting isn't changing anything about our relationship. I still need and want him and I always will.
You have never come across it because you have always conformed. It is changing your relationship because you are doing something he is not happy with.
In every other aspect of your lives -- let's talk about those. What do you outside of your desire to tend to him, please him and always have a smile on your face? Do you go to school? Job? Hobby?
Is there anything in life you do that is totally separate from him that he supports, that's my question...
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GothyFaery wrote: »RoseyDgirl wrote: »I have a lot more reading to do, but in case the question wasn't asked -
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- What would be different if you were gone for the same amount of time to do a treadmill or spinning routine?
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- If you were signed up for 3 sessions at the gym to 'get cardio' - would he be supportive of your time at the gym for this?
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- And if this is a yes, why not tell him your doing a cardio routine, and then just stay 30 minutes later to do your lifting program?
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- Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to tell him what happens during every minute of the day. Tell him about the new friends you make at Zumba class, and enjoy your weights as your 'little' secret.
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Well I work out at home and we don't have a treadmill so he might get a little suspicious. Also I don't believe in lying to my husband, even little white lies. I tell him everything. And finally, besides when we are at work, we are very rarely ever separated. We carpool to work together, we go grocery shopping together, we don't go out without each other. I married him because I want to be with him. We even do Christmas shopping online because we are basically never apart long enough to buy eachother anything.
So, is he reading this thread right now then?
No, we're both at work and he works in a different building that I do. I originally didn't bring this up because I knew it would be a whole new can of worms for people to bash on. Being together makes us happy. Why would we want to be apart if we didn't need to? Obviously it's not practical to be glued at the hip so when we have to do our own thing we do. If I'm sick, he will go shopping while I stay home in bed and vice versa.0 -
Walk around him at home naked.0
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GothyFaery wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »RoseyDgirl wrote: »I have a lot more reading to do, but in case the question wasn't asked -
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- What would be different if you were gone for the same amount of time to do a treadmill or spinning routine?
-
- If you were signed up for 3 sessions at the gym to 'get cardio' - would he be supportive of your time at the gym for this?
-
- And if this is a yes, why not tell him your doing a cardio routine, and then just stay 30 minutes later to do your lifting program?
-
- Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to tell him what happens during every minute of the day. Tell him about the new friends you make at Zumba class, and enjoy your weights as your 'little' secret.
-
Well I work out at home and we don't have a treadmill so he might get a little suspicious. Also I don't believe in lying to my husband, even little white lies. I tell him everything. And finally, besides when we are at work, we are very rarely ever separated. We carpool to work together, we go grocery shopping together, we don't go out without each other. I married him because I want to be with him. We even do Christmas shopping online because we are basically never apart long enough to buy eachother anything.
So, is he reading this thread right now then?
No, we're both at work and he works in a different building that I do. I originally didn't bring this up because I knew it would be a whole new can of worms for people to bash on. Being together makes us happy. Why would we want to be apart if we didn't need to? Obviously it's not practical to be glued at the hip so when we have to do our own thing we do. If I'm sick, he will go shopping while I stay home in bed and vice versa.
Are you going to tell him about this thread?0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »skullshank wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »skullshank wrote: »LyndseyLovesToLift wrote: »skullshank wrote: »is that your husband pictured with you in most of your pics?
this sex you speak of...it's solely for procreation right?
do you share a bed?
Ouch.
lol while it may look like it, that was not a swing at him.
i was just wondering if the 50s lifestyle was lived across the board.
I hate children. We both agree kids are not something we want. So no, there's no procreation going on in my house. Yes we share a bed. I'm sorry this mindset is so hard to understand. I really don't need anyone bashing my way of life just because they don't agree with it. To each their own.
did i bash?
live whatever lifestyle suits you.
i was merely curious.
I'm sorry for assuming that was meant as in insult. People have been having sex for enjoyment for centuries now.
Pfffft. You obviously haven't met my wife.......
Disclaimer - this was a joke and is solely intended for the purpose of humor. No animals were harmed during this joke. Not valid in Hawaii. Please consult a doctor before reading this or any other joke. No cash value.0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »
Yes, I like the movies and the book. To me being a Stepford wife doesn't mean having no control (because they can't make me a robot). It means being everything my husband wants and making him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile. The Stepford wife ideal to me is basically being the perfect wife. I don't see it negitivly and I really thought more women thought this way. I guess I was wrong.
While it is normal to want to please your spouse, it is unrealistic to think that anyone can "make him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile" absolutely all of the time. Because people are not perfect. What happens when something happens and you fail to do something? Does he react negatively? Do you beat yourself up about it? Also, people do change and grow as people. Sometimes interests change through the years. Are you going to suppress your own wishes in exchange for his happiness? Or are you going to develop a relationship where it is okay to have different interests?
He doesn't get upset when my goal of being the perfect wife fails. In fact, he doesn't really understand why I think I need to be either. I do feel horrible when I can't be the perfect wife. No, I don't plan to stop lifting because he isn't happy about it. I would like to find a way for us to both be happy.
He could lift with you?0 -
skullshank wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »I don't see it negitivly and I really thought more women thought this way. I guess I was wrong.
my curiosity has, yet again, been sparked.
are the majority of your friends in similar relationships?
reason i ask is because your belief that more women felt this way is interesting.
I've genuinely only ever met one woman who felt like this - and she was a deeply conservative Christian.
I'm going to guess the OP probably doesn't have that many lady friends - I don't know how she'd squeeze them into her schedule given that apparently she and her husband do every single thing in their lives together.
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You don't "allow" him to do this, and he doesn't "allow" you to do that? What the hell? Marriage is a partnership, and a healthy one doesn't involve one partner telling the other what they can/can't do. Your relationship terrifies me, quite frankly. You are saying some truly disturbing things.0
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Mamahana82 wrote: »If you can hear me over the raging anti-man crowd (masquerading as pro-woman) ...
I am so unbelievably sick of this false dichotomy that suggests you have only have two choices: be weak, scared, and lifeless, while handing over control of your life to your husband, OR be a cornfed hermaphrodite who prefers to spend all her time turning burping, farting, and spitting into competitive sports. It is possible to be physically, mentally, and emotionally strong and yet still allow the man in your life to feel like a man. I don't give a rat's *kitten* what year it is, and neither does biology. I wear a dress or skirt and high heels every day. I prefer dominant, hyper-masculine men. I can also squat 270 lbs, and the most masculine men I know actually find that very sexy, not threatening.
My advice to you is to get as strong as you want to be. When you get to that point, you will love yourself more, and that will be all the reality check your husband needs on this matter.
Oh goodie. I love it when feminists pretend they aren't feminists and call fellow feminists "anti-men".
How do you interpret this post as feminist?0 -
"How can I get my sexist husband to be less sexist but still stay sort of sexist like I am?" /facepalm
yea basically. I almost think that she's trolling everyone. What self respecting woman in this day and age would honestly want to be a Stepford Wife? The Stepford wives didn't even want to be Stepford Wives!-1
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