How to get my husband to accept me lifting heavy?
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PikaKnight wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »PikaKnight wrote: »You say you don't have secrets and such, but you are on here posting about this on the internet to a bunch of strangers? Does he know about this?
Have you considered maybe talking with those in a similar relationship style as yours that have faced such dilemmas? Maybe on Fetlife?
No, he doesn't know. I tried to talk to him about it this weekend and it didn't seem to work. I thought maybe someone else here would have gone through this before and have some specific advice. I didn't think it would get crazy.
I haven't looked at places like fetlife because this isn't a fetish. This isn't some S&M thing (not into that). It's just how I live. It's weird to me that more people here don't understand it but I'm sure I wouldn't understand the specifics of a lot of people's relelationships either. Just because it's not what 90% of people are doing, doesn't mean it's a fetish.
And honestly the whole Stepford thing is way more in my mind than his. I'm the one who is striving to be the perfect wife (yet another thing I don't understand seems crazy to a lot of people), he's not forcing me to be that way.
Umm...Yes, actually, this is a fetish. Fetishes aren't just S&M type deals..and S&M covers a lot of aspects, not just physical but mental/emotional as well.
There are those that are into the 1950/Stepford Wife fetishes both in and out of the bedroom. This is totally a fetish..as is another aspect of your relationship but I'm not going to mention it here because it's a bit controversial to those that might not get all the facts on it.
This is totally a kink relationship and I suggest you mosey on over to Fetlife because you are going to get a rude awakening. :laugh:
I'm sorry, I just don't see this as a fetish. If it were I could easily say a relationship with a stay at home dad was a fetish. Some people choose to have traditional gender roles in their relationships, some like to reverse them. I don't think that goes into the fetish catagory until it goes into the bedroom. Until then it's just a lifestyle. Maybe I'm wrong but that's my view of it.0 -
The whole idea of anyone striving to be "perfect" in any aspect of life is such a misnomer...
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GothyFaery wrote: »PikaKnight wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »PikaKnight wrote: »You say you don't have secrets and such, but you are on here posting about this on the internet to a bunch of strangers? Does he know about this?
Have you considered maybe talking with those in a similar relationship style as yours that have faced such dilemmas? Maybe on Fetlife?
No, he doesn't know. I tried to talk to him about it this weekend and it didn't seem to work. I thought maybe someone else here would have gone through this before and have some specific advice. I didn't think it would get crazy.
I haven't looked at places like fetlife because this isn't a fetish. This isn't some S&M thing (not into that). It's just how I live. It's weird to me that more people here don't understand it but I'm sure I wouldn't understand the specifics of a lot of people's relelationships either. Just because it's not what 90% of people are doing, doesn't mean it's a fetish.
And honestly the whole Stepford thing is way more in my mind than his. I'm the one who is striving to be the perfect wife (yet another thing I don't understand seems crazy to a lot of people), he's not forcing me to be that way.
Umm...Yes, actually, this is a fetish. Fetishes aren't just S&M type deals..and S&M covers a lot of aspects, not just physical but mental/emotional as well.
There are those that are into the 1950/Stepford Wife fetishes both in and out of the bedroom. This is totally a fetish..as is another aspect of your relationship but I'm not going to mention it here because it's a bit controversial to those that might not get all the facts on it.
This is totally a kink relationship and I suggest you mosey on over to Fetlife because you are going to get a rude awakening. :laugh:
I'm sorry, I just don't see this as a fetish. If it were I could easily say a relationship with a stay at home dad was a fetish. Some people choose to have traditional gender roles in their relationships, some like to reverse them. I don't think that goes into the fetish catagory until it goes into the bedroom. Until then it's just a lifestyle. Maybe I'm wrong but that's my view of it.
Fetishes aren't just in the bedroom. Just saying. Up to you to decide to figure out if you really want to know or not.0 -
Do whatever you want and he can deal. If he's so insecure that he's saying mild workouts get the in the way of your sex life, he needs to see a therapist.0
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Please show him links about women and weight lifting from professional trainers. Lifting weights tends to help women burn fat and get SMALLER, not bulkier. It's honestly extremely difficult for most women to get bulky.
Also, I understand that you value a particular type of relationship, but you don't have to take guff from no one! Please let him know that he is not allowed to say mean things that hurt you, regardless of whether he thinks it's a joke or not.0 -
surruhehlizabeht wrote: »Please show him links about women and weight lifting from professional trainers. Lifting weights tends to help women burn fat and get SMALLER, not bulkier. It's honestly extremely difficult for most women to get bulky.
Also, I understand that you value a particular type of relationship, but you don't have to take guff from no one! Please let him know that he is not allowed to say mean things that hurt you, regardless of whether he thinks it's a joke or not.
That would be against the "rules" for her to tell him what is and isn't allowed though.
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OP, haters gonna hate. I hope you didn't post this hoping that people would understand your lifestyle choice. It's obvious by the bashing that most don't.
As far as addressing your actual concern I think the people who tell you that what you are choosing to do is basically stepping out of your understanding with your hubby and it's hard for him to accept because it's not how y'all have lived your life so far. It's a tough question but marriage is tough and people change and hopefully you can talk it out and y'all can change together. If neither are willing to change then you actually do have a problem.
Good luck.-1 -
PikaKnight wrote: »surruhehlizabeht wrote: »Please show him links about women and weight lifting from professional trainers. Lifting weights tends to help women burn fat and get SMALLER, not bulkier. It's honestly extremely difficult for most women to get bulky.
Also, I understand that you value a particular type of relationship, but you don't have to take guff from no one! Please let him know that he is not allowed to say mean things that hurt you, regardless of whether he thinks it's a joke or not.
That would be against the "rules" for her to tell him what is and isn't allowed though.
I really think you have the wrong idea of our relationship. Yes, I say I don't allow him to cook dinner. It's my kitchen and it's my job to cook. But there are no rules. If he wanted to cook dinner (it would hurt me a little) he really could. But I feel it's my job to cook for him so it would upset if he went around me and did it but I don't forbid him from cooking. Just like I have taken the trash out before. It's just the man's job to do that sort of stuff so he would rather do it. (I really hope no one takes offence to this, what works for some doesn't work for all and I understand to each their own)0 -
Just keep asking him to scoop your ice cream and open your jars, even if you can do it anyway.0
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Maybe the idea of you becoming more attractive is worrisome to him with the hefty age gap.0
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If I were you (you being a person who legitimately wants to be a Stepford wife and has full and complete knowledge that Stepford wives were really robots who were under the total control of their spouses) I would stop lifting.
You say you're totally committed to your husband's happiness, and you want to be the perfect wife.
You know your husband is very invested in the image of you as being dependent on him for everything, and being physically weaker than him. He gets upset because you can now scoop ice cream for yourself. (My 10 year old cousin has been scooping ice cream for herself for 5 years, and that was NOT one of her milestones. Not at all. She would probably cry if I congratulated her for doing that.) You are aware that lifting heavy weights will make you stronger - not necessarily masculine-looking, but stronger - and that you won't be as physically dependent on your husband as you were before you started.
Your husband will not care that your body will look better than it does now. He likes thinking of you as a soft and delicate flower. He doesn't want you to have abs, or killer biceps, or to be able to squat your own body weight, or have a great *kitten* and look amazing in a skirt. He doesn't care about how you want to look, really.
You want what your husband wants. Stepford wives lives to please their husbands. Your husband is not pleased by you lifting weights and getting stronger and maybe not needing him. Perfect wives don't do what their husbands disagree with.
Given all this, you really only have one option, and that's to stop lifting weights. Make your husband happy, and live your life in the manner he sees fit.
Do lots and lots of cardio, and get little 5 pound pink weights and complain to him about how sore you are from doing high reps of those. Anything else will rock your marriage and make your husband feel insecure.
If you have a problem with any of the above, then you will have to seriously re-think the way your relationship is structured. Your "Stepford wives" fantasy is probably not what you really want. You'll also need to have a deep conversation with your husband.
Good luck with everything. (Also, great trolling if this is a troll post)0 -
headofphat wrote: »OP, haters gonna hate. I hope you didn't post this hoping that people would understand your lifestyle choice. It's obvious by the bashing that most don't.
As far as addressing your actual concern I think the people who tell you that what you are choosing to do is basically stepping out of your understanding with your hubby and it's hard for him to accept because it's not how y'all have lived your life so far. It's a tough question but marriage is tough and people change and hopefully you can talk it out and y'all can change together. If neither are willing to change then you actually do have a problem.
Good luck.
I really only included info about our lifestyle as background. I didn't think we lived this crazy, highly controversial lifestyle. I guess I'm more intresting than I thought.
I just wanted some advice to get my husband to understand that me lifting doesn't mean anything about the two of us is changing. I guess I just need to give him time to accept it and understand that I'm not going to get bulky/leave him/be obsessed with weights/whatever he is worried about. Thanks for the advice.0 -
This is an interesting topic of discussion.0
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You could just keep asking him to soop your ice cream and open your jars even though you can do it yourself.0
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GothyFaery wrote: »headofphat wrote: »OP, haters gonna hate. I hope you didn't post this hoping that people would understand your lifestyle choice. It's obvious by the bashing that most don't.
As far as addressing your actual concern I think the people who tell you that what you are choosing to do is basically stepping out of your understanding with your hubby and it's hard for him to accept because it's not how y'all have lived your life so far. It's a tough question but marriage is tough and people change and hopefully you can talk it out and y'all can change together. If neither are willing to change then you actually do have a problem.
Good luck.
I really only included info about our lifestyle as background. I didn't think we lived this crazy, highly controversial lifestyle. I guess I'm more intresting than I thought.
I just wanted some advice to get my husband to understand that me lifting doesn't mean anything about the two of us is changing. I guess I just need to give him time to accept it and understand that I'm not going to get bulky/leave him/be obsessed with weights/whatever he is worried about. Thanks for the advice.
Just imagine if you told the room y'all are swingers. They would have told you that you should be at home cooking supper for your man and not hooking up. You can't win with this crowd but I love 'em. lol
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Maybe it's been said and I missed it, but is it possible that your husband is not attracted to the look of a woman that lifts weights and is trim/firm/muscles showing? Could he be more physically attracted to a voluptuous/softer/no visible muscle tone type physique?
Could he just not want to say that out loud? Could it be that he doesn't know how to say that without coming across as mean or rude? You've both already lost a good amount of weight, and I think I remember you said you are very happy with your body. I suspect he is as well.
It's just a thought. I may be way off base.0 -
Lifting weights is good for your metabolism, prevents bone degeneration and also osteoporosis. Its great that you are doing something so healthy for you. Just show him internet proof. Women that lift weights get all nice and hot
Only career lifters get bulky. Just keep asking him to open jars for you and I think over time he will learn its not so bad. 0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »RoseyDgirl wrote: »I have a lot more reading to do, but in case the question wasn't asked -
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- What would be different if you were gone for the same amount of time to do a treadmill or spinning routine?
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- If you were signed up for 3 sessions at the gym to 'get cardio' - would he be supportive of your time at the gym for this?
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- And if this is a yes, why not tell him your doing a cardio routine, and then just stay 30 minutes later to do your lifting program?
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- Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to tell him what happens during every minute of the day. Tell him about the new friends you make at Zumba class, and enjoy your weights as your 'little' secret.
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Well I work out at home and we don't have a treadmill so he might get a little suspicious. Also I don't believe in lying to my husband, even little white lies. I tell him everything. And finally, besides when we are at work, we are very rarely ever separated. We carpool to work together, we go grocery shopping together, we don't go out without each other. I married him because I want to be with him. We even do Christmas shopping online because we are basically never apart long enough to buy eachother anything.
I can never decide if that's incredibly sweet or just down right wrong....0 -
as troll jobs go, this is entertaining, not that inflammatory (although there are enough "bash on" (with the unnecessary preposition) statements to keep the pot stirred), fun in that being Stepfordized or even Leaving it to Beaver are so outre, that pretty much everybody would laugh at it...
I give this a solid B+ or 8/10. Three out of four forks on the dining scale.
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Is it possible that your husband doesn't like the idea of you being at a gym surrounded by YOUNG, attractive men? Just throwing that out there.
To me (and I've been married for 11 years), this sounds like his issue more so than a "lifting issue." You don't need him to scoop ice cream??? That sounds silly, doesn't it?0 -
sljohnson1207 wrote: »Maybe it's been said and I missed it, but is it possible that your husband is not attracted to the look of a woman that lifts weights and is trim/firm/muscles showing? Could he be more physically attracted to a voluptuous/softer/no visible muscle tone type physique?
Could he just not want to say that out loud? Could it be that he doesn't know how to say that without coming across as mean or rude? You've both already lost a good amount of weight, and I think I remember you said you are very happy with your body. I suspect he is as well.
It's just a thought. I may be way off base.
This had crossed my mind as well. When I first started dieting he told me he didn't want to hug a stick. I'm not aiming to get big and bulky by any means but having some muscle would prevent me from being a stick (at least in my mind, maybe not his). We never really discussed what body types turn eachother on so I couldn't tell you if he likes bigger women or not. He's always said he finds me attractive no matter what I weigh.0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »headofphat wrote: »OP, haters gonna hate. I hope you didn't post this hoping that people would understand your lifestyle choice. It's obvious by the bashing that most don't.
As far as addressing your actual concern I think the people who tell you that what you are choosing to do is basically stepping out of your understanding with your hubby and it's hard for him to accept because it's not how y'all have lived your life so far. It's a tough question but marriage is tough and people change and hopefully you can talk it out and y'all can change together. If neither are willing to change then you actually do have a problem.
Good luck.
I really only included info about our lifestyle as background. I didn't think we lived this crazy, highly controversial lifestyle. I guess I'm more intresting than I thought.
I just wanted some advice to get my husband to understand that me lifting doesn't mean anything about the two of us is changing. I guess I just need to give him time to accept it and understand that I'm not going to get bulky/leave him/be obsessed with weights/whatever he is worried about. Thanks for the advice.
That bold part --- this is where I think you're wrong. Something is changing. You are changing -- physically, but probably in action too.
Have you EVER done something he didn't want you to do before -- just because you wanted it for yourself? Wouldn't that make you a less than perfect wife, by the roles/unofficial rules in your relationship?
I don't think most people mean to be down on you... you just seem to be wholly unaware that most women don't strive to be be "perfect" by 1950's standards and I think a lot of people worry about that.
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GothyFaery wrote: »headofphat wrote: »OP, haters gonna hate. I hope you didn't post this hoping that people would understand your lifestyle choice. It's obvious by the bashing that most don't.
As far as addressing your actual concern I think the people who tell you that what you are choosing to do is basically stepping out of your understanding with your hubby and it's hard for him to accept because it's not how y'all have lived your life so far. It's a tough question but marriage is tough and people change and hopefully you can talk it out and y'all can change together. If neither are willing to change then you actually do have a problem.
Good luck.
I really only included info about our lifestyle as background. I didn't think we lived this crazy, highly controversial lifestyle. I guess I'm more intresting than I thought.
I just wanted some advice to get my husband to understand that me lifting doesn't mean anything about the two of us is changing. I guess I just need to give him time to accept it and understand that I'm not going to get bulky/leave him/be obsessed with weights/whatever he is worried about. Thanks for the advice.
You got the responses you were given because you want two things that are direct opposite of each other. If you said you that you want to introduce cake into your diet while still cutting carbs, the responses would be just as inflammatory.
It really just sounds like you don't know what you want.0 -
Is it possible that your husband doesn't like the idea of you being at a gym surrounded by YOUNG, attractive men? Just throwing that out there.
To me (and I've been married for 11 years), this sounds like his issue more so than a "lifting issue." You don't need him to scoop ice cream??? That sounds silly, doesn't it?
She works out at home...
for the millionth time.0 -
headofphat wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »headofphat wrote: »OP, haters gonna hate. I hope you didn't post this hoping that people would understand your lifestyle choice. It's obvious by the bashing that most don't.
As far as addressing your actual concern I think the people who tell you that what you are choosing to do is basically stepping out of your understanding with your hubby and it's hard for him to accept because it's not how y'all have lived your life so far. It's a tough question but marriage is tough and people change and hopefully you can talk it out and y'all can change together. If neither are willing to change then you actually do have a problem.
Good luck.
I really only included info about our lifestyle as background. I didn't think we lived this crazy, highly controversial lifestyle. I guess I'm more intresting than I thought.
I just wanted some advice to get my husband to understand that me lifting doesn't mean anything about the two of us is changing. I guess I just need to give him time to accept it and understand that I'm not going to get bulky/leave him/be obsessed with weights/whatever he is worried about. Thanks for the advice.
Just imagine if you told the room y'all are swingers. They would have told you that you should be at home cooking supper for your man and not hooking up. You can't win with this crowd but I love 'em. lol
Yeah, to me that is way more crazy then just having traditional gender roles.... I thought they were called traditional for a reason.0 -
making him completely happy in every way and doing it all with a smile.
I was kind of understanding until that line. I have a very "traditional" role as a stay at home mom, and my husband working full time. But that man also knows better than to touch my grill, my beer, my jeans, or my Chucks. And the hell if I'm going to making him completely happy in every way while doing it all with a smile on my face. I make him wash his own laundry when he dares open his pie hole to tell me I'm doing it wrong.
I also stole his two 20 pound hand weights to exercise last night. He didn't care.
Seriously though, have fun playing house.0 -
itsfuntobenormal wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »headofphat wrote: »OP, haters gonna hate. I hope you didn't post this hoping that people would understand your lifestyle choice. It's obvious by the bashing that most don't.
As far as addressing your actual concern I think the people who tell you that what you are choosing to do is basically stepping out of your understanding with your hubby and it's hard for him to accept because it's not how y'all have lived your life so far. It's a tough question but marriage is tough and people change and hopefully you can talk it out and y'all can change together. If neither are willing to change then you actually do have a problem.
Good luck.
I really only included info about our lifestyle as background. I didn't think we lived this crazy, highly controversial lifestyle. I guess I'm more intresting than I thought.
I just wanted some advice to get my husband to understand that me lifting doesn't mean anything about the two of us is changing. I guess I just need to give him time to accept it and understand that I'm not going to get bulky/leave him/be obsessed with weights/whatever he is worried about. Thanks for the advice.
That bold part --- this is where I think you're wrong. Something is changing. You are changing -- physically, but probably in action too.
Have you EVER done something he didn't want you to do before -- just because you wanted it for yourself? Wouldn't that make you a less than perfect wife, by the roles/unofficial rules in your relationship?
I don't think most people mean to be down on you... you just seem to be wholly unaware that most women don't strive to be be "perfect" by 1950's standards and I think a lot of people worry about that.
I still don't see what's wrong with wanting to be the perfect wife (by any decade's standards). What's wrong with wanting to be perfect in anything?0 -
I truly believe you have to become the best you in order to become the best wife, mother, etc. Keep working on you and continue to shower him with love, hopefully he will come around and enjoy the new physical you. PS you would think that being stronger would improve your sex life...0
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GothyFaery wrote: »itsfuntobenormal wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »headofphat wrote: »OP, haters gonna hate. I hope you didn't post this hoping that people would understand your lifestyle choice. It's obvious by the bashing that most don't.
As far as addressing your actual concern I think the people who tell you that what you are choosing to do is basically stepping out of your understanding with your hubby and it's hard for him to accept because it's not how y'all have lived your life so far. It's a tough question but marriage is tough and people change and hopefully you can talk it out and y'all can change together. If neither are willing to change then you actually do have a problem.
Good luck.
I really only included info about our lifestyle as background. I didn't think we lived this crazy, highly controversial lifestyle. I guess I'm more intresting than I thought.
I just wanted some advice to get my husband to understand that me lifting doesn't mean anything about the two of us is changing. I guess I just need to give him time to accept it and understand that I'm not going to get bulky/leave him/be obsessed with weights/whatever he is worried about. Thanks for the advice.
That bold part --- this is where I think you're wrong. Something is changing. You are changing -- physically, but probably in action too.
Have you EVER done something he didn't want you to do before -- just because you wanted it for yourself? Wouldn't that make you a less than perfect wife, by the roles/unofficial rules in your relationship?
I don't think most people mean to be down on you... you just seem to be wholly unaware that most women don't strive to be be "perfect" by 1950's standards and I think a lot of people worry about that.
I still don't see what's wrong with wanting to be the perfect wife (by any decade's standards). What's wrong with wanting to be perfect in anything?
Nothing, except that going against your husband's wishes by lifting weights obviously means you don't want to be his version of the perfect wife. Do you want to be his perfect wife or don't you?
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hollydubs85 wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »headofphat wrote: »OP, haters gonna hate. I hope you didn't post this hoping that people would understand your lifestyle choice. It's obvious by the bashing that most don't.
As far as addressing your actual concern I think the people who tell you that what you are choosing to do is basically stepping out of your understanding with your hubby and it's hard for him to accept because it's not how y'all have lived your life so far. It's a tough question but marriage is tough and people change and hopefully you can talk it out and y'all can change together. If neither are willing to change then you actually do have a problem.
Good luck.
I really only included info about our lifestyle as background. I didn't think we lived this crazy, highly controversial lifestyle. I guess I'm more intresting than I thought.
I just wanted some advice to get my husband to understand that me lifting doesn't mean anything about the two of us is changing. I guess I just need to give him time to accept it and understand that I'm not going to get bulky/leave him/be obsessed with weights/whatever he is worried about. Thanks for the advice.
You got the responses you were given because you want two things that are direct opposite of each other. If you said you that you want to introduce cake into your diet while still cutting carbs, the responses would be just as inflammatory.
It really just sounds like you don't know what you want.
Yes, I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to make my husband happy and I want to lift weights which he is not so happy about. The point of this thread was to see if someone else out there had gone through something similar and what they did to make it work.
I can't be perfect no matter how hard I try. So I understand that trying to be the perfect wife and lifting isn't going together so great. But I'd like to find a way to make it all work together.0
This discussion has been closed.
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