How to get my husband to accept me lifting heavy?
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hollydubs85 wrote: »SnuggleSmacks wrote: »I'm a little shocked at the amount of judgment apparent in this thread. Part of feminism is having the ability to embrace traditional gender roles as a matter of choice rather than having them thrust on you. The OP has made it clear that she chose this role, it makes her happy, and she has no interest in changing it. She's made it clear that her husband is not controlling or manipulative and he also embraces his traditional role, and makes it his responsibility to do things to enhance her happiness. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just because it's not the choice you would make does not make it wrong.
Yeah, she embraced her traditional role until he wasn't happy with her lifting. Two people can fill traditional roles without being completely submissive to a husband, but she wants to be his version of a perfect wife. That goes beyond "traditional roles."
I might agree somewhat with your reply if she had decided to give up on lifting in order to keep the peace. But that's not what happened, obviously.
It sounds as if her husband has expressed displeasure and fear, not that he has ordered her to quit. And obviously she has decided to keep at it, and is seeking our advice on making her choice more palatable and easing her husband's fears.
Many women have come to this board with exactly the same question, and for the most part they found support and great suggestions. I don't get why the OP's more traditional lifestyle makes this any different.
And gross? Really, guys? Way to keep it classy! It's very disheartening to see people make such harsh judgment on an age difference. Keep in mind that a great deal of the world makes similar judgments on size differences...how would you feel if someone said your relationship was "gross" just because you're a lot bigger than your partner?0 -
I don't feel I need to defend the age differance between me and my husband so I'm not going to. You don't have to like it or understand but I would ask that you don't insult it. Age really is just a number so again, I'm not going to get into it with anyone but there's no reason to insult me.0
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SnuggleSmacks wrote: »hollydubs85 wrote: »SnuggleSmacks wrote: »I'm a little shocked at the amount of judgment apparent in this thread. Part of feminism is having the ability to embrace traditional gender roles as a matter of choice rather than having them thrust on you. The OP has made it clear that she chose this role, it makes her happy, and she has no interest in changing it. She's made it clear that her husband is not controlling or manipulative and he also embraces his traditional role, and makes it his responsibility to do things to enhance her happiness. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just because it's not the choice you would make does not make it wrong.
Yeah, she embraced her traditional role until he wasn't happy with her lifting. Two people can fill traditional roles without being completely submissive to a husband, but she wants to be his version of a perfect wife. That goes beyond "traditional roles."
I might agree somewhat with your reply if she had decided to give up on lifting in order to keep the peace. But that's not what happened, obviously.
It sounds as if her husband has expressed displeasure and fear, not that he has ordered her to quit. And obviously she has decided to keep at it, and is seeking our advice on making her choice more palatable and easing her husband's fears.
Many women have come to this board with exactly the same question, and for the most part they found support and great suggestions. I don't get why the OP's more traditional lifestyle makes this any different.
And gross? Really, guys? Way to keep it classy! It's very disheartening to see people make such harsh judgment on an age difference. Keep in mind that a great deal of the world makes similar judgments on size differences...how would you feel if someone said your relationship was "gross" just because you're a lot bigger than your partner?
I believe the gross is resulting from the still fairly young age of the OP more so then the age gap itself. The truth is, most people don't reach true emotional adulthood until WELL in to their 20's, so it's very possible OP married someone much more mature and experienced then her when she is still growing and maturing a great deal. So emotionally at least, you have someone who is very much an adult, with someone who is still reaching adulthood. Whether that age gap is entirely benign or nefarious in nature, doesn't change the fact it CAN and WILL cause issues as she continues to mature.
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SnuggleSmacks wrote: »And gross? Really, guys? Way to keep it classy! It's very disheartening to see people make such harsh judgment on an age difference. Keep in mind that a great deal of the world makes similar judgments on size differences...how would you feel if someone said your relationship was "gross" just because you're a lot bigger than your partner?
Especially since that could be considered a fetish too, but no one ever seems to go there either.0 -
I may not understand your lifestyle, but you're an adult, and if you are truly happy with the way your life is, good for you.
As for the husband. Personally, what I think it comes down to, is you asserting something you really want to do for the first time. It's a bump in the road and a change, and I've noticed that a lot of people react negatively to change at first, regardless of how they come to feel about the situation later.
If this is something you really want for yourself, even at the risk of disrupting the whole perfect wife thing, then stick to your guns. You have the right to do something healthy for yourself. He'll come around to it or he won't, there's not much you can do to sway him about it. Maybe point out that the more you take care of yourself, the better you'll be physically and mentally, and that directly translates into how healthy you are in your relationship? The happier and healthier you are, the more you can do together, the longer you'll be around for him, etc.
Or try including him in some of the things. Say that you want it for your health but you'd love it if he helped you along the way as motivation or whatnot.0 -
I get where you're coming from OP. I wouldn't really want to live that way, but I get it. I also get why you don't want to do something that might upset your husband, you love him, why would you want to upset him? You want to remain attractive in your partner's eyes...I wanted to cut my hair short, I asked my partner's opinion, knowing he doesn't' really care for short hair, he was "okay" with it, and I did it, and if he wasn't okay with it, I probably still would have done it, but I still worried about being attractive to him, so I was hesitant....
I think you just need to keep doing it, you know that you're not going to get bulky, and it's good for you, eventually he will come around because he will see that you are only physically changing for the better.
And make sure you let him still open your jars and scoop your ice cream.
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OP, I know you don't want to think of your preferences as a fetish, but maybe try looking at it that way (even if you're convinced it's not). You guys are role playing. You like playing the doting, dainty, feminine wife. Your husband likes playing the big strong man who takes care of you. and all of a sudden you start breaking character and he's bummed out.
Talk to him about it again. Not even about lifting, but about breaking character (don't word it that way if you find it offensive). Tell him that you would like 3 hours a week to do your own thing, and you would love for him to use that 3 hours a week to do something that he might want to do. Maybe it will be something "traditional" like work on his car, or maybe he would love a bubble bath and a glass of wine, but resists b/c it's "women's stuff."
When you're each done with your me-time, you can choose to talk about what you did on your own, or get right back into character and never discuss your me-time. If you really want to make him happy all the time and do it with a smile on your face, you'll have to let him scoop your ice cream. Or scoop your ice cream really quickly before your hour is up 3 x a week.
Also, maybe check out The 5 Love Languages. It sounds like your husband expresses his love in part by opening jars, scooping ice cream, lifting heavy things for you. If you suddenly start doing them yourself, he may feel as though you're rejecting his love. Talk it out.0 -
I don't find the "traditional gender roles" thing shocking at all-- maybe because where I grew up that's how almost everyone lived. It's part of why I wanted out of the Bible Belt asap. But if it makes you happy, more power to you.
I think where most people got hung up at the beginning was with your references to the Stepford Wives. That's a very powerful and off-putting image of a woman who is not allowed to have any thoughts of her own. A Stepford wife doesn't choose to please her husband because that's what she wants. She has no choice at all. She also doesn't get to have any feelings of her own. I think that's what people fear for you, especially since you say that you are aware of what a Stepford wife is and have read the story/seen the movie.
It's still a valid choice to want that for yourself, but it's a little more shocking, imo, than just saying "I choose to follow traditional gender roles." I believe if you'd said "I want to be like June Cleaver" you'd have gotten a lot less push-back, although I'm certain there would still have been some.
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Is it wrong that now I really want ice cream?0
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It sounds like the root problem is you are changing and your husband isn't used to it. Having a healthier lifestyle is different and hard to understand if you're not into it. All I can think is baby steps. Keep showing your love to him but don't give up on yourself. If you stop lifting and put on weight, you will resent your husband. And that would be worse than the situation now.0
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I can't possibly be the only one thinking the trade off here is just PIITB right?
probably to much for this place- but yeah.
Anyway- I'm waffling on this- I can't decide to laugh- cry or type up a legit response or just call full blown troll.
I shall ponder and return after I go get my lift on.
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Well this is intriguing.
You WANT to be a Stepford wife. You WANT to lift. It seems pretty clear he is intimidated. It goes against being the "submissive, weak" partner - so either:
- you convince him that lifting is important to you (and your PERSONAL health/wellbeing) and agree that almost everything else will not change)
- or you agree to stop and... work out other ways I guess?
You say there is no treadmill at home? What were you doing before you started lifting as you have lost a ton of weight (congratulations)? And you're doing Stronglifts... at home? He must have known something was up when a power rack showed up?
Let's just say I'm happy even the dominant guys in my life have appreciated a physically strong woman.0 -
Well this is intriguing.
You WANT to be a Stepford wife. You WANT to lift. It seems pretty clear he is intimidated. It goes against being the "submissive, weak" partner - so either:
- you convince him that lifting is important to you (and your PERSONAL health/wellbeing) and agree that almost everything else will not change)
- or you agree to stop and... work out other ways I guess?
You say there is no treadmill at home? What were you doing before you started lifting as you have lost a ton of weight (congratulations)? And you're doing Stronglifts... at home? He must have known something was up when a power rack showed up?
Let's just say I'm happy even the dominant guys in my life have appreciated a physically strong woman.
I lost weight through diet alone.
He actually help me set up my bench and my rack (I'm not so good with tools). So he's not refusing to help, he's just really not happy about me doing it.0 -
OP, What are his objections to you lifting?
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Did I miss what exactly the DH says when you lift?0
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Calliope610 wrote: »OP, What are his objections to you lifting?
The only real objection (besides the "joke" about our sex life) he's given me is he doesn't want me to get huge and look like a dude. I've shown him women who lift and aren't bulky but the two women I personally know who lift are larger women so the pictures just don't sink in. He just says "I don't want you to look like them"
Oh and the newest one is he says I don't need him anymore. But that's just crazy to me because I will always need him and not just for scooping my ice cream or opening jars.0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »Calliope610 wrote: »OP, What are his objections to you lifting?
The only real objection (besides the "joke" about our sex life) he's given me is he doesn't want me to get huge and look like a dude. I've shown him women who lift and aren't bulky but the two women I personally know who lift are larger women so the pictures just don't sink in. He just says "I don't want you to look like them"
ask him to support your lifting for 3 months.
show him that you will not get "bulky like a dude". as you are aware, you simply won't get all jacked up. perhaps if he sees that his fears are unrealistic, he will be more supportive toward your lifting and may even be surprised by how much he enjoys the results!
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GothyFaery wrote: »Calliope610 wrote: »OP, What are his objections to you lifting?
The only real objection (besides the "joke" about our sex life) he's given me is he doesn't want me to get huge and look like a dude. I've shown him women who lift and aren't bulky but the two women I personally know who lift are larger women so the pictures just don't sink in. He just says "I don't want you to look like them"
LOL so he just does not know what lifting really does with proper nutrition.
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GothyFaery wrote: »Calliope610 wrote: »OP, What are his objections to you lifting?
The only real objection (besides the "joke" about our sex life) he's given me is he doesn't want me to get huge and look like a dude. I've shown him women who lift and aren't bulky but the two women I personally know who lift are larger women so the pictures just don't sink in. He just says "I don't want you to look like them"
Oh and the newest one is he says I don't need him anymore. But that's just crazy to me because I will always need him and not just for scooping my ice cream or opening jars.
Then you will just have to keep communicating with him to alleviate his fears and misconceptions. Just communicate.0 -
yopeeps025 wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Calliope610 wrote: »OP, What are his objections to you lifting?
The only real objection (besides the "joke" about our sex life) he's given me is he doesn't want me to get huge and look like a dude. I've shown him women who lift and aren't bulky but the two women I personally know who lift are larger women so the pictures just don't sink in. He just says "I don't want you to look like them"
LOL so he just does not know what lifting really does with proper nutrition.
I even showed him a picture of a 13 year old girl that could bench over 300(I think that's right?) pounds. She was tiny! He came back with "well she's 13"
No picture will ever settle his mind. I've had him look at so many he told me he wasn't going to look at any more pictures.0 -
Here's my question, OP. Does he support you in this even though he doesn't care for the "bulky" look, or does he say he doesn't like you lifting, or does he sabotage your goals? I think this is where it matters.
Of course you want to strive to be the best wife you can be (and I hope he is trying to be the best husband in kind), but there is no such thing as perfection, and it's okay to have differences of opinion with your spouse, as long as you support each other in what is important to the other.
Does he know that the lifting is important to you? And also, I think a lot of other posters are making comments about your lifestyle because you've chosen traditional roles where by definition the wife is weaker and dependent, but are embarking on lifting, which runs counter to this. Does this mean that you can't modify how this fits into your lifestyle - no. But at the same time, this could seem to your husband that you're no longer willing to go along with the lifestyle since you have this interest apart from him that involves becoming a physically strong woman. Honest communication is important here between the two of you, so you guys can figure out how to continue in your marriage with your needs and his needs met.0 -
marinabreeze wrote: »Here's my question, OP. Does he support you in this even though he doesn't care for the "bulky" look, or does he say he doesn't like you lifting, or does he sabotage your goals? I think this is where it matters.
He put my bench and rack together for me so he is supportive in that aspect. He hasn't said he doesn't want me to lift out right although it's very obvious. I'm not really sure how to answer this. At times he is very supportive (like putting my equiptment together for me) and other times he says things like my workouts are cutting into our sex life which is not really sabotage but it really isn't support. So I guess he does both?0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »marinabreeze wrote: »Here's my question, OP. Does he support you in this even though he doesn't care for the "bulky" look, or does he say he doesn't like you lifting, or does he sabotage your goals? I think this is where it matters.
He put my bench and rack together for me so he is supportive in that aspect. He hasn't said he doesn't want me to lift out right although it's very obvious. I'm not really sure how to answer this. At times he is very supportive (like putting my equiptment together for me) and other times he says things like my workouts are cutting into our sex life which is not really sabotage but it really isn't support. So I guess he does both?
Let's be honest - he probably put it together because he didn't think you'd actually keep up with it.
So you say you did it by diet alone - so not only did you start lifting weights a month ago, you just started working out, period?
I'm still confused as to how he thinks it interferes with your sex life...? Is he accurate? is it somehow (not sure how...) actually negatively affecting your sex life? If he can't grasp the idea that this is something you want to do, after you have explained multiple times that it is something you want to do and you will not get bulky, I'm not sure what else to say....
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GothyFaery wrote: »yopeeps025 wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Calliope610 wrote: »OP, What are his objections to you lifting?
The only real objection (besides the "joke" about our sex life) he's given me is he doesn't want me to get huge and look like a dude. I've shown him women who lift and aren't bulky but the two women I personally know who lift are larger women so the pictures just don't sink in. He just says "I don't want you to look like them"
LOL so he just does not know what lifting really does with proper nutrition.
I even showed him a picture of a 13 year old girl that could bench over 300(I think that's right?) pounds. She was tiny! He came back with "well she's 13"
No picture will ever settle his mind. I've had him look at so many he told me he wasn't going to look at any more pictures.
I think what this means is, you really just need to give him time. Involve him in the process if you want. But it's obvious he's not going to stop you from doing it, so just ride the wave, and like I said earlier, show him differences in metrics once you've stuck to it a little. He'll see that those insecurities are just that, nothing more.
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GothyFaery wrote: »marinabreeze wrote: »Here's my question, OP. Does he support you in this even though he doesn't care for the "bulky" look, or does he say he doesn't like you lifting, or does he sabotage your goals? I think this is where it matters.
He put my bench and rack together for me so he is supportive in that aspect. He hasn't said he doesn't want me to lift out right although it's very obvious. I'm not really sure how to answer this. At times he is very supportive (like putting my equiptment together for me) and other times he says things like my workouts are cutting into our sex life which is not really sabotage but it really isn't support. So I guess he does both?
How are your workouts cutting into your sex life? Are they really? Did you used to have intimacy during the times that you now work out? Have you decreased the amount? Or just moved your schedule? Since I'm closer to his age than yours, I'll offer up that perhaps he performs better in the morning, so if you do your workout in the morning maybe he does feel that it is interfering? Maybe you need to talk more about this, and offer to move your workout schedule if this is really a factor.
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If you haven't figured it by now, I don't know what to advise at this point.0
This discussion has been closed.
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