How to get my husband to accept me lifting heavy?
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Well there you go, this thread is still going strong!0
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I get how couples settle in to their roles, and it can be threatening if anything changes that. In my relationship it is almost complete role reversal. He's the stay-at-home and I'm the breadwinner. One of my best friends has divided the duties "pink" and "blue". She does all the traditional indoor lady things, and he does all the outdoor manly things. My daughter and her husband on the other hand negotiate everything and chores are swapped back and forth.
I think you are seeing a partner threatened by the change in your relationship. The big question is if he can enjoy the new you?0 -
GothyFaery wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »It is all solved. He just wants more sex.
I know I'm going to get a rash of *kitten* for this but I have never once turned my husband down for sex. I beleive it's my duty as a wife to be there for my husband. I don't care how tired I am or what I feel like, I have not and will not ever turn him down. That being said, he doesn't ask for it if he knows I'm really not feeling well... But if he wants more he knows all he ever has to do is ask.
Now if you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine but please don't tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way. I'm not going to change.
I don't disagree with you and I'm really not criticizing traditional roles at all. I'm not tearing down or making fun of your lifestyle. I just think that since he mentioned that it is interfering, that this must be on his mind. Maybe he doesn't want to have to ask, maybe he'd like for you to initiate more often, or for it to be more spontaneous. As I said above, perhaps he sees your commitment and schedule for the workout and wishes for more regularity in that area too, without having to ask or initiate. I could be wrong. You could try it and see if it makes him happier, or you could sit him down and have a discussion, or you could ignore me entirely. *shrug*
I'm sorry for the snark, it really wasn't directed at you. Most of my views on what I believe a good wife should do have been argued in this thread and it's made me more defensive than I should be. I do appreciate your advice.
The 'joke' about your sex life has come from somewhere though...?0 -
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Damn, and here I thought *my* marriage was out of the norm.
![:\](https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
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Your lifestyle is not what I would choose but whatever. If it makes you happy, do it.
That said, you will really have to think seriously about what it is you really want because I don't see your husband ever being happy with a woman who wants to lift weights.
Relationships are a two-way street. You'll both have to come to some agreement.
Good luck.0 -
I do not know if anyone said this, I stopped reading on page 4, but I am calling bs here! No way this is real....sorry folks!0
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maybe a way to stir up some drama........just a thought0
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Pick him up from a dead lift and throw him to show how strong you are from heavy lifting. Shouldn't have anymore negative feedback after that.0
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I'm so different from the person I was at 25.
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levitateme wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »It is all solved. He just wants more sex.
I know I'm going to get a rash of *kitten* for this but I have never once turned my husband down for sex. I beleive it's my duty as a wife to be there for my husband. I don't care how tired I am or what I feel like, I have not and will not ever turn him down. That being said, he doesn't ask for it if he knows I'm really not feeling well... But if he wants more he knows all he ever has to do is ask.
Now if you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine but please don't tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way. I'm not going to change.
I don't disagree with you and I'm really not criticizing traditional roles at all. I'm not tearing down or making fun of your lifestyle. I just think that since he mentioned that it is interfering, that this must be on his mind. Maybe he doesn't want to have to ask, maybe he'd like for you to initiate more often, or for it to be more spontaneous. As I said above, perhaps he sees your commitment and schedule for the workout and wishes for more regularity in that area too, without having to ask or initiate. I could be wrong. You could try it and see if it makes him happier, or you could sit him down and have a discussion, or you could ignore me entirely. *shrug*
Honestly it seems like his issue is sexual attraction, not the actual lack of sex. He doesn't want her to be "bulky" like her friends. I'm guessing he'd be turned off if she suddenly sprouted visible muscles.
also LMAO at "I never turn my man down," girl this is 2014.
I'm not sure her getting bulky is the actual issue, but an easy excuse. I would guess that the true issue is his insecurity in their age difference, and his fear that if she realizes her strength and vitality, she'll start to see him as an "old man". It would also explain the extreme co-dependence.
I could be completely wrong, but it's just a guess.0 -
jezebelgirl wrote: »Damn, and here I thought *my* marriage was out of the norm.
What is a normal marriage actually? Ward and June Cleaver went out in the 50's and Lucy and Ricky followed shortly after. Most households today are single parent families or are co-parenting relationships that look just like a marriage without the contract. That's not counting same sex relationships and marriages that are now legal or recognized in most states (about time). I've seen open marriages, closed marriages, marriages where one or both parties have checked out but still stay together. I don't think this relationship is any more unusual than many of the modern relationships that exist today. It's all about choice. If they choose to live this kind of lifestyle, so be it, but you can't complain about wanting to live the lifestyle and then being held to the standard.0 -
I didn't read all 11 pages of replies so I'm sorry if I'm restating something that has already been said, but there's nothing wrong with how you have organized your relationship if it works for the two of you. I would guess that a lot of the issue with your husband comes down to the terminology. People who don't lift really don't have any understanding of what "heavy" really means or what it takes to get "bulky." (I only figured this out after a recent two-day discussion with my BF. We ended up texting a zillion pictures of celebs back and forth until we established his threshold for "bulky" vs. mine).
I would really recommend just not using the term "lifting heavy" around him. It's probably bringing up different mental images for him than it is for you. Keep reinforcing the idea that you still need him and that he's still going to play the masculine role (as you've both defined it) in your relationship. I also don't think it's inappropriate for you to tell him that it's important to you that he find you attractive, and that he can tell you if you get too muscular for him. (Again, if that's the kind of relationship you have, it's okay. That's an open topic for discussion in some relationships and not in others.)
I don't know if this falls in line with your own personal aesthetic, but a lot of the 1950s pinup style models were curvy in a sort of muscular way. That's a look you could easily get with lifting, as long as you don't cut your body fat percentage down too low.0 -
TavistockToad wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »Some_Watery_Tart wrote: »And if you'd like to avoid the "can of worms" in the future, I would suggest you avoid using the term "Stepford wife". It's not considered a positive thing. It was a horror story. Maybe June Cleaver would be more appropriate.
I'm sorry, I don't see the term Stepford wife as anything negitive. It would be the biggest compliment to me if someone said I was a Stepford wife. I didn't think I was the only one who thought this way.
i like to look after my husband... i'm a great housewife, other than i hate cleaning... but at the same time my husband has never told me what to do or not to do, i think its that part that people are struggling to understand, not the looking after your husband part as such.
At first he didn't. It is a change and it might take him some time to get used to it. Grown ups talk things out and compromise in relationships. Op should be working with her husband on this. Open forums are a horrible place to ask for relationship advice. You get all types and as you can see some people seem to be a little bitter when it comes to men.
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It's YOUR body. He has no say over it. He needs therapy to get his head straight. Just, y'know, from one goth girl to another... you are not going to be happy with some man lording it over you just because he has a weiner and that somehow makes him king of the universe. The fifties thing may LOOK cute at first, but you have already seen in this example how much it actually sucks in real life.0
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So, I am curious, have you made any decisions?
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I'm just going to give him some time and see how it goes. At the end of the day my marrage is more important to me so I'll do what I have to do. If it has to come down to one or the other, I'll gladly chose him but I'm hoping there's a middle ground in there somewhere. Just got to give it some more time.0
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GothyFaery wrote: »It is all solved. He just wants more sex.
I know I'm going to get a rash of *kitten* for this but I have never once turned my husband down for sex. I beleive it's my duty as a wife to be there for my husband. I don't care how tired I am or what I feel like, I have not and will not ever turn him down. That being said, he doesn't ask for it if he knows I'm really not feeling well... But if he wants more he knows all he ever has to do is ask.
Now if you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine but please don't tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way. I'm not going to change.
Yet you made a point of saying it anyway, when it was quite unrelated to the discussion. You've made your postion clear - exercising in tiny clothes, submissive in all aspects to your man and you keep revealing this information bit at a time over your replies.
There are other forums, full of people that feel the same way, would agree with you and wouldn't judge you.
However, you wouldn't get 11 pages of replies from them, would you? Because it's not that unique. Tiresome even.0 -
Elsie_Brownraisin wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »It is all solved. He just wants more sex.
I know I'm going to get a rash of *kitten* for this but I have never once turned my husband down for sex. I beleive it's my duty as a wife to be there for my husband. I don't care how tired I am or what I feel like, I have not and will not ever turn him down. That being said, he doesn't ask for it if he knows I'm really not feeling well... But if he wants more he knows all he ever has to do is ask.
Now if you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine but please don't tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way. I'm not going to change.
Yet you made a point of saying it anyway, when it was quite unrelated to the discussion. You've made your postion clear - exercising in tiny clothes, submissive in all aspects to your man and you keep revealing this information bit at a time over your replies.
There are other forums, full of people that feel the same way, would agree with you and wouldn't judge you.
However, you wouldn't get 11 pages of replies from them, would you? Because it's not that unique. Tiresome even.
The info about my sex life was related because several people continued to say give him more sex. I said what I said so they would understand that's not the problem. As far as my exercise clothes, that's a matter of comfort and my husband is in another room with the door shut while I exersice so I don't see what that has to do with anything. Again it was only brought up because people kept freaking out over the thought of me lifting in a dress.
The point of this whole thread was not to get a rise out of people or drag it on for pages. All I wanted was for someone to give me a little advice on how to get my husband to accept my weight lifting and not look at it as a negitive thing. I included background to our realationship so people would understand were we both are coming from. Some where in my OP I guess I said some crazy things (still not sure where I went wrong) and the thread ran in a totally differant direction than I intended.
This really did seem like the right place to ask a question about getting support for exercising.0 -
Doesn't "let" you grill? Won't "let" you take out the garbage? Can't scoop ice cream? Yeesh. How are you ever gonna survive when he dies?0
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Elsie_Brownraisin wrote: »GothyFaery wrote: »It is all solved. He just wants more sex.
I know I'm going to get a rash of *kitten* for this but I have never once turned my husband down for sex. I beleive it's my duty as a wife to be there for my husband. I don't care how tired I am or what I feel like, I have not and will not ever turn him down. That being said, he doesn't ask for it if he knows I'm really not feeling well... But if he wants more he knows all he ever has to do is ask.
Now if you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine but please don't tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way. I'm not going to change.
Yet you made a point of saying it anyway, when it was quite unrelated to the discussion. You've made your postion clear - exercising in tiny clothes, submissive in all aspects to your man and you keep revealing this information bit at a time over your replies.
There are other forums, full of people that feel the same way, would agree with you and wouldn't judge you.
However, you wouldn't get 11 pages of replies from them, would you? Because it's not that unique. Tiresome even.
lots of people admit on this site that they work out in underwear- or nothing at all (usually more underwear than nothings- but reality is plenty of people do it- including yours truly) but it's not really that pertinent. The only reason why it really came up was b/c she said she doesn't wear pants- and people asked how she lifted if she didn't wear pants. It was an answer to a question.
While I think many of us agree this is pretty much something that would be pretty vanilla at FetLife- we aren't on fetlife-we are on a calorie counting site that includes people who discuss their fitness journey with others- and often times about the issues they have with significant others and it's an integral part of the discussion considering their life style choice is potentially impacting her decisions for workouts.
While I don't fully agree with her life style choice- I think the conversation has been fairly respectable and flame-less and she's gotten some great advice and also hasn't over reacted. I see nothing over the top or not really even excessive flamebaited judging.
I think this thread's been interesting and fairly productive actually.0 -
Tell him that being WANTED > being needed. You may need him for some things, but the fact that you still want him, even with that being the case, should be important.0
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i think everyone on here for the most part are being ridiculous.
i understand the relationship you and your man have. i to have the similar relationship, i like to have traditional roles, cook, clean, him opening doors, or paying for dinner. just because these are the things that you contribute to the relationship doesn't mean its an unequal or disrespectful relationship. my boyfriend always thanks me when i do any of these things for him and i to him when he does things for me. if i dont cook, clean or whatever he doesn't come home and say " what the hell woman why isn't my laundry done or my food made" if it isnt done, he doesn't look at me with a snark, or ask me when im going to do it. he understands that i do it because i like to, and becuase i love him not because i have to.
that being said its all about change, sometimes its hard to see someone you love change because you feel that they might grow apart from you or your love might change. just reassure him that you want to do this for yourself its important to you. But its natural for it to be difficult for him, just ask for his support. if he loves and respects you like you say he does he will warm up to it.
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I'm so different from the person I was at 25.
THIS. I was engaged at 27 but if I had gotten married then, I would be just be divorced by now. I'm 35 and still figuring myself out. But that's just me. I try to be introspective and I know I can always improve. Maybe I'm a late bloomer. 0 -
If I had to give any advice, it would be to read the book "The Five Love Languages".
I think you (and he) might really benefit from the concepts in it.0 -
My family was stuck in male/female roles with me doing most of the work. As I lost weight, I found I wanted to do more "out door" things and didn't want to make dinner, clean house, etc. I have changed a lot in 3 years including body building, getting tattoos and doing things I normally wouldn't do. I was very conservative and didn't like who I was...so I changed. I moved from a house to an apartment so I didn't have to spend my weekends cleaning and doing yard work. I hired a maid and focused on me for a change. Now I body build, hike, bike and when someone asks "what's for dinner?" I respond....."whatever you want to make." I am through with traditional, conservative roles. I want to have a little fun with my new body. My husband didn't take the changes too well at first but now he is joining in and finding that he was stuck in a rut too. You have only one life to live so don't spend it in an unhappy state.0
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I probably should've thought of this earlier, but it just occurred to me -- why not ask him to hold off on judging your plan for a certain amount of time, maybe 3-6 months? Let him see what lifting is and isn't going to do for your body, and then discuss it again. You know it isn't going to turn you into a she-hulk, but if he doesn't know any other women who lift, he may not believe it. Just ask him to let you explore it for a certain amount of time. You're not going to do anything in 6 months that can't be un-done.GothyFaery wrote: »The point of this whole thread was not to get a rise out of people or drag it on for pages. All I wanted was for someone to give me a little advice on how to get my husband to accept my weight lifting and not look at it as a negitive thing. I included background to our realationship so people would understand were we both are coming from. Some where in my OP I guess I said some crazy things (still not sure where I went wrong) and the thread ran in a totally differant direction than I intended.
Have you shown him pictures of the type of body you'd like to get through lifting so he has a point of reference? I mentioned that my BF and I had to look through a lot of pics to make sure we were on the same page, because I hear "heavy lifting" and think I'd love to look like Christmas Abbott, even if I'm not going to get there, whereas he apparently hears "a little bulky" and thinks "dear gods, she's going to look like Chyna." Totally never going to happen, but that's the dumb picture he has in his head with that term.0 -
Amazing to this divorce lawyer how a girl who wants to do everything she can to make her marriage work is getting unbelievable amounts of grief. It is no wonder the divorce rate is so high. The key to making a marriage work is to not let your spouse out-serve you. Put your spouse's needs over your own. Marriage is selfless, not selfish. If you think marriage is all about yourself or that you are more important than your spouse, you won't make it... and that just comes from 31 years of watching marriages destruct.
Maybe OP's husband will make it clear that her lifting is jeopardizing the marriage... at that point, she needs to decide what is more important in the big scheme of things... squats or her marriage. It just a matter of priorities. My experience tells me that if OP let's her husband know that he is far more important to her than a muscular build and that she won't lift if it's going to trash the relationship, then he will chill out and let her lift all she wants. Again... not being preachy...just relaying what I have seen during three decades of observing people totally eff up their relationships.... and the ones that find ways to succeed.0
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