Self hatred info I learned today
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Maybe I'm sharing too much info, but.
I wasn't able to start the weight loss process until I got my depression under control. It was only then that I decided that I was worth the effort it took to get healthier.
I have a lot of self esteem and self worth issues (relating to an abusive past). Around 6 months into my weight loss journey I realized that while I was better depression wise, I was at a point where I needed help liking myself, or else the rest of this journey was for nothing - because it's never been just about my weight, but my whole self. I would look in the mirror and see my new body, but I couldn't accept that it was good enough, and I couldn't appreciate that I'd lost over 50 pounds, or that I could do the splits, or touch my toes. So I started talk therapy. It's done wonders for me.
Some things I have to do:
No thinking n't or 've words. So no couldn't, shouldn't, would've, should've, etc - they are anxiety words for me, and they trigger bad feelings about myself. There's no use dwelling on what's done.
I'm only allowed to speak to myself internally in a way I'd speak to my children. So no berating, no criticizing, and no degrading.
I have to also allow for the possibility that when people compliment me, that they are right. So if someone says "you're so pretty", I say "thank you!" and allow those words to be the truth, rather than thinking "well that's because I put make up on today".
Some things I was doing that might have been a signal to those that were close to me: brushing off compliments regularly, calling myself names in a seemingly joking way, self deprecating humor, comparisons to other people (and not even necessarily body/appearance), off hand comments about being fat that had no place in the conversation, and ridiculous criticisms of myself (like, my legs are too lumpy, or my boobs look like udders, or my toes are too fat).
I hope this helps. I'm still in the process of learning that I'm worth it - all the wonderful things in my life - I deserve them.0 -
learning to accept compliments is a wonderful first step. It's thanking someone for the gift of a positive view of YOU, from the outside!
Brushing off compliments comes from the terror of being seen as a vain and self-centered girl, which is something many of us struggle with. But compliments are given because a person gets happiness when they are moved to say something kind and actually open their mouths and share that with you. Brushing it off squashes all that positivity and grinds it on the sidewalk.
Be classy like Audrey
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loribethrice wrote: »I have major issues with this. I absolutely hate myself and I'm 4lbs away from my goal and I so know I'm not going to be happy when I get there. I want to lose more weight than that because my body still does not look the way I want it to even with exercise every day.
Aw. It is good you recognize this. Did you do something to cause this feeling? Was something done to you? All can be helped. Let someone help you, someone who you can trust to be nice to you.
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I have dealt with self esteem issues my whole life. I wasn't the popular one in school and, until late middle school, I was the one they got a laugh out of (the only reason it stopped was because they saw I didn't care anymore). It caused me to have a poor self image of myself. It wasn't until high school that I was happy with myself; I was a healthy weight and I didn't have a lot of friends, but the friends I had were my best friends. But, I still lacked confidence in certain things that I did. I went to one of those small schools where a lot of people I went to kindergarten with were the same people I graduated high school with. I didn't get a fresh start at any time. I actually met my husband in high school, but he didn't go to that district his whole life so he didn't know me from before or how I was picked on when I was younger. He's never had issues with self esteem aside from the normal feelings people have during puberty. To this day he doesn't understand how I can have issues with confidence and self esteem. It's hard to explain to him too because it's not like a switch that can be turned off. I can tell myself how I should feel and think, but that isn't going to necessarily happen.
When I tried losing weight before my pregnancy, I was losing weight but still crying when I looked at myself in the mirror because I was trying to be patient with my body but was still depressed about allowing myself to gain so much weight after high school. I would frequently look in the mirror and call myself a fat f***.
But something happened after I had my son. I'm not happy with my weight, but I'm happy with me. I'm being patient with my body and I keep going forward. I might be losing weight more slowly than some, but I know I'm making life long changes and I know I refuse to look back. I have more confidence now and even though it's not perfect 100% of the time, I can honestly say I can't remember the last time I called myself those horrible names. I don't let my inner demons take over anymore and it's made my life that much better. I used to say how lucky I was to have a wonderful husband and family, but I worked for that family so it's not all luck - I need to give myself credit too.
Sorry this was so winded, but I wanted to give my story in case if it helps. So, in short, thank you for wanting to understand this aspect of a person's journey. Any help you can offer someone will hopefully make their journey easier and more fulfilling.0 -
Oh, and yes, having a better image of myself is helping the weight come off easier. The harder I was on myself, the harder it was for the weight to drop.0
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jessilee119 wrote: »I have dealt with self esteem issues my whole life. I wasn't the popular one in school and, until late middle school, I was the one they got a laugh out of (the only reason it stopped was because they saw I didn't care anymore). It caused me to have a poor self image of myself. It wasn't until high school that I was happy with myself; I was a healthy weight and I didn't have a lot of friends, but the friends I had were my best friends. But, I still lacked confidence in certain things that I did. I went to one of those small schools where a lot of people I went to kindergarten with were the same people I graduated high school with. I didn't get a fresh start at any time. I actually met my husband in high school, but he didn't go to that district his whole life so he didn't know me from before or how I was picked on when I was younger. He's never had issues with self esteem aside from the normal feelings people have during puberty. To this day he doesn't understand how I can have issues with confidence and self esteem. It's hard to explain to him too because it's not like a switch that can be turned off. I can tell myself how I should feel and think, but that isn't going to necessarily happen.
When I tried losing weight before my pregnancy, I was losing weight but still crying when I looked at myself in the mirror because I was trying to be patient with my body but was still depressed about allowing myself to gain so much weight after high school. I would frequently look in the mirror and call myself a fat f***.
But something happened after I had my son. I'm not happy with my weight, but I'm happy with me. I'm being patient with my body and I keep going forward. I might be losing weight more slowly than some, but I know I'm making life long changes and I know I refuse to look back. I have more confidence now and even though it's not perfect 100% of the time, I can honestly say I can't remember the last time I called myself those horrible names. I don't let my inner demons take over anymore and it's made my life that much better. I used to say how lucky I was to have a wonderful husband and family, but I worked for that family so it's not all luck - I need to give myself credit too.
Sorry this was so winded, but I wanted to give my story in case if it helps. So, in short, thank you for wanting to understand this aspect of a person's journey. Any help you can offer someone will hopefully make their journey easier and more fulfilling.
This is so my story too. Until your feelings about who u are change nothing else will make u happy.0 -
Lovely post! All of it, not just the part I quoted. Your honesty and intention really shine!TheVirgoddess wrote: »I'm only allowed to speak to myself internally in a way I'd speak to my children. So no berating, no criticizing, and no degrading.
There's a potential problem (and a solution) with the perspective "I'm only allowed..." The problem is that it's not always so easy to control how we speak to ourselves internally. In fact it sometimes appears impossible. So we can get caught up in cycles of "No, I shouldn't criticize myself. No, I shouldn't criticize myself for criticizing myself. No, I shouldn't criticize myself for criticizing myself for criticizing myself." You get the idea. It never ends.
One solution is a technique that's been developed for millennia in Buddhism and elsewhere. It's called Loving Kindness Meditation or Metta Meditation. Practicing it regularly actually helps to cultivate and reinforce attitudes and behaviors that reflect loving kindness toward ourselves and others. This includes self talk.
For anyone interested, there's lots of material available online. Here's one place to start: http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_in.htm.0 -
Lovely post! All of it, not just the part I quoted. Your honesty and intention really shine!TheVirgoddess wrote: »I'm only allowed to speak to myself internally in a way I'd speak to my children. So no berating, no criticizing, and no degrading.
There's a potential problem (and a solution) with the perspective "I'm only allowed..." The problem is that it's not always so easy to control how we speak to ourselves internally. In fact it sometimes appears impossible. So we can get caught up in cycles of "No, I shouldn't criticize myself. No, I shouldn't criticize myself for criticizing myself. No, I shouldn't criticize myself for criticizing myself for criticizing myself." You get the idea. It never ends.
One solution is a technique that's been developed for millennia in Buddhism and elsewhere. It's called Loving Kindness Meditation or Metta Meditation. Practicing it regularly actually helps to cultivate and reinforce attitudes and behaviors that reflect loving kindness toward ourselves and others. This includes self talk.
For anyone interested, there's lots of material available online. Here's one place to start: http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_in.htm.
Thank you
The earlier part of my post states that I'm not allowed words like "shouldn't" - and your example is exactly why. There is no 'round and 'round self talk, because all I do is think the word "stop" - there are no apologies and no admonishments internally. I realize this approach won't work for everyone. Mental health is as varied and unique as our physical health.
I actually do meditate regularly as well - it's also helped a lot. As a mom, it's so important that I take time for myself and make myself a priority - not only for me, but as a way to show my girls, by my actions, that it's okay to do things just for you.0 -
When people hate themselves, they put on weight from the stress (cortisol), the anti-depressants, the drinking, the not caring what goes in the mouth. When they learn to love themselves again, they will be willing to lose the weight and will want to exercise. People can point them in the right direction, but they won't budge until their ready.0
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TheVirgoddess wrote: »
Lovely post! All of it, not just the part I quoted. Your honesty and intention really shine!TheVirgoddess wrote: »I'm only allowed to speak to myself internally in a way I'd speak to my children. So no berating, no criticizing, and no degrading.
There's a potential problem (and a solution) with the perspective "I'm only allowed..." The problem is that it's not always so easy to control how we speak to ourselves internally. In fact it sometimes appears impossible. So we can get caught up in cycles of "No, I shouldn't criticize myself. No, I shouldn't criticize myself for criticizing myself. No, I shouldn't criticize myself for criticizing myself for criticizing myself." You get the idea. It never ends.
One solution is a technique that's been developed for millennia in Buddhism and elsewhere. It's called Loving Kindness Meditation or Metta Meditation. Practicing it regularly actually helps to cultivate and reinforce attitudes and behaviors that reflect loving kindness toward ourselves and others. This includes self talk.
For anyone interested, there's lots of material available online. Here's one place to start: http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_in.htm.
Thank you
The earlier part of my post states that I'm not allowed words like "shouldn't" - and your example is exactly why. There is no 'round and 'round self talk, because all I do is think the word "stop" - there are no apologies and no admonishments internally. I realize this approach won't work for everyone. Mental health is as varied and unique as our physical health.
I actually do meditate regularly as well - it's also helped a lot. As a mom, it's so important that I take time for myself and make myself a priority - not only for me, but as a way to show my girls, by my actions, that it's okay to do things just for you.
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Oops! didn't type!
Someone close to me tells me all the time to stop "should-ing" all over myself. Accept the things you cannot change and have courage to change the things you can!!0 -
shifterbrainz wrote: »
I think this thread is about self hatred/self loathing, not self pity.I got reported for posting this because it's unkind to tell people that they wont be handed their self esteem when they reach goal weight, because it's something they have to cultivate along the way. We're supposed to be encouraging and we're supposed to tell people that losing weight fixes everything.
that was self-hatred.
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My husband said this to me the other night: "You have to love yourself."
I scoffed at him, but he's right. Not that I'm sure how to get there when I've spent the last 27 years hating one thing or another about myself, and felt it reinforced by my peers on a regular basis in my youth.0 -
also, sometimes when you have the issue, you may not be gifted with the self awareness to realize you have an issue.
There are so many logical answers to every problem, but there are many people who don't recognize they have one. You may not have any of the issues, but there are certainly people who do.i am honestly shocked that any of this is eye-opening.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
It seems in my *very* limited experience that people rarely seem to have one issue. It's more like a constellation of issues, often interconnected, and the person is going to have a hard time dealing with them all simultaneously, even if they are clear-minded about a) having them and b) knowing what to do about them.
It's hard watching people you care about self-destruct because they're caught in that kind of morass. And because they don't see it, or hate themselves enough that they think they deserve it, they won't let anyone help them.0 -
Well the airplane crash mask story is one I usually use on other SAHM's like myself when I come across one who is being selfless to the point of being in danger of becoming nearly useless to her family/children.
Since a majority of my clients are stay at home moms, I can say that the time they take with me is the time they usually say is "their time". I encourage them that the work we put in will pay off in the long run even though that time is about working out stress, labored breathing, and burning muscles from lactic acid build up. And to be honest, most of them look forward to it.MyChocolateDiet wrote: »Did he mention where martyrdom and modesty fit in with this? Sometimes I think that's what I see going on when someone either a) doesn't take care of themselves or b) self deprecates as a habit in public.
also dead on
I often hear friends of mine who are mothers talking about breaking their backs and spending every moment of every day spinning around their families and giving off lists of the things they sacrifice in order to do this, such as their health and their weight and their looks or some buzz like that, and it brings them positive attention. She's so selfless, what a perfect mother.
That hurts to see.
No mother is perfect and that's a good thing because we all learn from mistakes. And taking care of your heath will benefit your entire family. You don't have to kill yourself to be seen as a good mother. It's okay, I promise.
Could not agree more, although it is an unpopular opinion. Just last night on the news I caught the tail-end of some story and they said something like, "She always put her kids needs first before her own. She was such a good mom." Sorry, but in my mind those two things don't correlate. And I am a mom. I learned fairly early on that I had to TAKE time for myself, demand it, set the boundaries, and use it to the best of my ability. That made me a better person and therefore a more patient mom. (not in any way saying I'm perfect; FAR from it!)
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Most recently a woman whose family had suffered a great tragedy went on for 20+ tearful minutes about that tragedy and how she worried so that it affected her children and how she kept checking in with their teachers. She couldn't see the forest for the trees. So after nodding for those whole 20 minutes I told her that her children might very well be as "alright" as they were telling her, or at least for now, but that right now, the 20 minutes of non stop crying might be hinting that SHE was not. Then I told her the airplane crash mask on yourself first story, then we went over where she was going and for what kind of help. Never thought my meager little once a month volunteer gig would put me in the middle of someone's crisis on my first day, but it did. Few weeks later she stopped me with a friend to tell me she had followed my advice and was feeling so much better now. She looked it. Time was a factor as well, time heals all wounds but this was a deep one.
So if you explain to your mom clients about the airplane mask, it's hard logic to turn away from. And it has shock value, it's not easily forgotten, and it's easy to remember.
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I think as a fitness instructor you should not get into this business of directing people at all on psychological matters unless they confide in you that they are struggling with depression anxiety or self esteem issues. Or if a person looks really sad, you could ask them if they are ok and you can say you are concerned about them. They might then open up and then you can suggest they get professional help. If they brush you off, there's nothing much you can do. Don't pay too much attention to them. They might come and talk to you another time if they perceive you to be a supportive person.
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He's not naming names. He's simply providing information he feels may help others. I for one thinks it's good info and food for thought. Something I'll def look into. To each their own really.
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pattycakes80 wrote: »when you are unhappy, you look to the find the reason why.
depending on how long you have been overweight, chances are you were bullied for a long period of time as a result. the younger, the more dangerous, as you aren't able to process the shame as a fault in the person bullying you, but more as a flaw within yourself.
you define your unhappiness as fat.
you work hard, lose the fat yet you are stunned because you are still unhappy.
i know most people are ecstatic when they lose weight - i was too. INITIALLY. once the high from the scale and the compliments died down, the anger/emotional pain was still very present. i changed my body, but not my mind. years and years of being put down due to my weight did wonders to my head. trust issues, self-loathing issues. intense anxiety.
and for years i blamed myself. after two years in therapy; however, i am beginning to blame the sad people that were so low in their life that they needed to hurt me. and it is hard, because i never had any anger with them before. so i work on forgiveness. and i work on acknowledging my anger and understanding that while it was very unfair the way i was treated, i am capable of a healthy, full life.
cliche moment of the day: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Thank you for this! It actually made me tear up. I found some commonalities within your words.0 -
That's great! Your report confirms my experience, that many folks simply don't know how to stop an unwanted train of thought unless they've done some kind of meditation practice. Thinking "stop" is wonderful if it works for you, but without the stable platform from which to observe thoughts that meditation provides, it may not be effective. It may just lead to the repetitive negativity I described. That's why I recommend meditation whenever someone says they're bothered by their thoughts.StephaniePerazzola wrote: »TheVirgoddess wrote: »
Lovely post! All of it, not just the part I quoted. Your honesty and intention really shine!TheVirgoddess wrote: »I'm only allowed to speak to myself internally in a way I'd speak to my children. So no berating, no criticizing, and no degrading.
There's a potential problem (and a solution) with the perspective "I'm only allowed..." The problem is that it's not always so easy to control how we speak to ourselves internally. In fact it sometimes appears impossible. So we can get caught up in cycles of "No, I shouldn't criticize myself. No, I shouldn't criticize myself for criticizing myself. No, I shouldn't criticize myself for criticizing myself for criticizing myself." You get the idea. It never ends.
One solution is a technique that's been developed for millennia in Buddhism and elsewhere. It's called Loving Kindness Meditation or Metta Meditation. Practicing it regularly actually helps to cultivate and reinforce attitudes and behaviors that reflect loving kindness toward ourselves and others. This includes self talk.
For anyone interested, there's lots of material available online. Here's one place to start: http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_in.htm.
Thank you
The earlier part of my post states that I'm not allowed words like "shouldn't" - and your example is exactly why. There is no 'round and 'round self talk, because all I do is think the word "stop" - there are no apologies and no admonishments internally. I realize this approach won't work for everyone. Mental health is as varied and unique as our physical health.
I actually do meditate regularly as well - it's also helped a lot. As a mom, it's so important that I take time for myself and make myself a priority - not only for me, but as a way to show my girls, by my actions, that it's okay to do things just for you.
I know that some will read this and think it's nothing but New Age jibber-jabber. Try it. It's actually as practical as can be.
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"you cant hate yourself happy, you cant criticize yourself thin, you cant shame yourself wealthy. real change beings with self love and self care." ~Jessica Ortner0
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I'm that girl who was self loathing. As a teenager I was skinny but not happy about my body. Now I think if I got back to that size that I would be happier. This has been a big barrier for me getting to be where I want to be. None of that can make a person happy. It has to come from inside and love our selves no matter what. I want to do this for ME. My whole way of thinking had to change. I still have those thoughts sometimes but I ignore them. I look instead to how I feel. No more aches and pains etc.0
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Thanks for sharing, but I am pretty familiar with this topic because it's one I've been dealing with for decades. I already know that decreasing my body fat percentage will not bring me happiness because I don't like my physical appearance.
I have reached a healthy weight in the past and was not happy with my body image, so whatever size I am doesn't matter--- I will still generally be unhappy.
It's funny because I wasn't aware of my abnormalities until I lost weight the first time and people here and there started pointing them out to me [so it's not just something that I noticed]. I really genuinely was unaware. Now, I can't help but notice them. All I can do is try and fight the good fight every day.0 -
llUndecidedll wrote: »Thanks for sharing, but I am pretty familiar with this topic because it's one I've been dealing with for decades. I already know that decreasing my body fat percentage will not bring me happiness because I don't like my physical appearance.
I have reached a healthy weight in the past and was not happy with my body image, so whatever size I am doesn't matter--- I will still generally be unhappy.
It's funny because I wasn't aware of my abnormalities until I lost weight the first time and people here and there started pointing them out to me [so it's not just something that I noticed]. I really genuinely was unaware. Now, I can't help but notice them. All I can do is try and fight the good fight every day.
What "abnormalities" are you talking about?0 -
stephyj528 wrote: »"you cant hate yourself happy, you cant criticize yourself thin, you cant shame yourself wealthy. real change beings with self love and self care." ~Jessica Ortner
WHOA
i rarely steal quotes, but Im totally jacking this from you.
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bump0
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Psychology isn't my profession nor something I'm trained in, so I wouldn't even bother with trying to treat someone. What I'm trying to learn is how to spot it more accurately so I have an idea of steps to take if it's something I run into.Patttience wrote: »You should not go looking for people who might be self-loathing. But the obvious way to know if someone has issues with these sort of feelings is if they say a lot of punishing negative sounding things about themselves. Don't be quick to jump on someone says something like oh i'm stupid. Everyone says stuff like that. But people who are self loathing say very strong stuff about themselves to themselves and often. Whether they say it out loud in a gym or similar is hard to say. Many people keep these feelings to themselves.
I think as a fitness instructor you should not get into this business of directing people at all on psychological matters unless they confide in you that they are struggling with depression anxiety or self esteem issues. Or if a person looks really sad, you could ask them if they are ok and you can say you are concerned about them. They might then open up and then you can suggest they get professional help. If they brush you off, there's nothing much you can do. Don't pay too much attention to them. They might come and talk to you another time if they perceive you to be a supportive person.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
It's great that you are trying to be more aware of this.
I am not a fitness professional, but I have come across a few people like this in my work as a teacher. The thing that seems to make the most impact for someone with self-loathing traits is to really listen and to assure the individual that s/he is worth the effort.0 -
Absolutely. Sometimes positive re-enforcement may redirect them.azulvioleta6 wrote: »
Psychology isn't my profession nor something I'm trained in, so I wouldn't even bother with trying to treat someone. What I'm trying to learn is how to spot it more accurately so I have an idea of steps to take if it's something I run into.Patttience wrote: »You should not go looking for people who might be self-loathing. But the obvious way to know if someone has issues with these sort of feelings is if they say a lot of punishing negative sounding things about themselves. Don't be quick to jump on someone says something like oh i'm stupid. Everyone says stuff like that. But people who are self loathing say very strong stuff about themselves to themselves and often. Whether they say it out loud in a gym or similar is hard to say. Many people keep these feelings to themselves.
I think as a fitness instructor you should not get into this business of directing people at all on psychological matters unless they confide in you that they are struggling with depression anxiety or self esteem issues. Or if a person looks really sad, you could ask them if they are ok and you can say you are concerned about them. They might then open up and then you can suggest they get professional help. If they brush you off, there's nothing much you can do. Don't pay too much attention to them. They might come and talk to you another time if they perceive you to be a supportive person.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
It's great that you are trying to be more aware of this.
I am not a fitness professional, but I have come across a few people like this in my work as a teacher. The thing that seems to make the most impact for someone with self-loathing traits is to really listen and to assure the individual that s/he is worth the effort.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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