One of my teenagers is a thief!
Replies
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Involve law enforcement and even a stint in public service and/or detention center time. Grown up thieves started out a young thieves. Unless they are deterred now (and I'm not just talking about being talked to), chances are they will end up being part of the system out of continual habit.
I stole a candy bar from the commissary one base one time and got caught. Not only was it posted in the base paper with my father's name on it, but I ended up doing community service (picking up trash) for a day in all the parks. Never did it again.
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redmeg1972 wrote: »I had one who was caught shoplifting at the local grocery. Stupid stuff-- toiletries I would have gotten if she'd asked. Never got a straight answer out of WHY she was doing it.
Luckily the store didn't press charges. (Having an 8-month pregnant mama show up in hysterical tears chewing out the thieving child may have helped. I think they were afraid I'd have the baby then and there.) Daughter was under **house arrest** when she got home. She went nowhere except school and straight back home, driven both ways. I informed the school teachers that supervised the activities she was in (newspaper and drama) why she was being pulled out of their program immediately.
House arrest continued for a few months. She was eventually paroled when she completed a lengthy writing assignment my husband and I assigned. We are Catholic so we assigned her HARD challenging reading from the Catechism and Thomas Aquinas. She had to discuss in her paper matters pertaining to theft, dishonesty, pride, and I forget what else. (I figured while we had her, we would address *all* the issues that had been bubbling for a while.)
She hated us while we were doing it.
She has since turned things around unbelievably. Straight A college student majoring in (don't laugh) CRIMINAL JUSTICE, because she wants to catch bad guys and put them away.
She was also in therapy at the time. I can't recommend enough finding a good counselor that a troubled teen can talk to-- even if the trouble is entirely of their own making, they need help from someone NOT MOM OR DAD who can help them look at what's going on and figure out how to make better decisions.
I hope this helps. Don't be down on yourself-- this is not a reflection of your parenting.
Thank you0 -
redmeg1972 wrote: »I had one who was caught shoplifting at the local grocery. Stupid stuff-- toiletries I would have gotten if she'd asked. Never got a straight answer out of WHY she was doing it.
Luckily the store didn't press charges. (Having an 8-month pregnant mama show up in hysterical tears chewing out the thieving child may have helped. I think they were afraid I'd have the baby then and there.) Daughter was under **house arrest** when she got home. She went nowhere except school and straight back home, driven both ways. I informed the school teachers that supervised the activities she was in (newspaper and drama) why she was being pulled out of their program immediately.
House arrest continued for a few months. She was eventually paroled when she completed a lengthy writing assignment my husband and I assigned. We are Catholic so we assigned her HARD challenging reading from the Catechism and Thomas Aquinas. She had to discuss in her paper matters pertaining to theft, dishonesty, pride, and I forget what else. (I figured while we had her, we would address *all* the issues that had been bubbling for a while.)
She hated us while we were doing it.
She has since turned things around unbelievably. Straight A college student majoring in (don't laugh) CRIMINAL JUSTICE, because she wants to catch bad guys and put them away.
She was also in therapy at the time. I can't recommend enough finding a good counselor that a troubled teen can talk to-- even if the trouble is entirely of their own making, they need help from someone NOT MOM OR DAD who can help them look at what's going on and figure out how to make better decisions.
I hope this helps. Don't be down on yourself-- this is not a reflection of your parenting.
Love everything about this!0 -
missiontofitness wrote: »redmeg1972 wrote: »I had one who was caught shoplifting at the local grocery. Stupid stuff-- toiletries I would have gotten if she'd asked. Never got a straight answer out of WHY she was doing it.
Luckily the store didn't press charges. (Having an 8-month pregnant mama show up in hysterical tears chewing out the thieving child may have helped. I think they were afraid I'd have the baby then and there.) Daughter was under **house arrest** when she got home. She went nowhere except school and straight back home, driven both ways. I informed the school teachers that supervised the activities she was in (newspaper and drama) why she was being pulled out of their program immediately.
House arrest continued for a few months. She was eventually paroled when she completed a lengthy writing assignment my husband and I assigned. We are Catholic so we assigned her HARD challenging reading from the Catechism and Thomas Aquinas. She had to discuss in her paper matters pertaining to theft, dishonesty, pride, and I forget what else. (I figured while we had her, we would address *all* the issues that had been bubbling for a while.)
She hated us while we were doing it.
She has since turned things around unbelievably. Straight A college student majoring in (don't laugh) CRIMINAL JUSTICE, because she wants to catch bad guys and put them away.
She was also in therapy at the time. I can't recommend enough finding a good counselor that a troubled teen can talk to-- even if the trouble is entirely of their own making, they need help from someone NOT MOM OR DAD who can help them look at what's going on and figure out how to make better decisions.
I hope this helps. Don't be down on yourself-- this is not a reflection of your parenting.
Love everything about this!
Me too!0 -
I love how people assume I am not punishing her for her stealing. The thing is all of us hang out and talk all the time. We seem to have a good family connection we talk. She gets very angry and mean when I bring up the stealing. She does get punished and she does get caught. I am a responsible parent. I check my kids messages and phones and make sure they are making good choices.
The punishments I have given her just are not working! Right now she is grounded from all electronics including her phone and has no door on her room.
It's almost like she is in jail already.....
I would try taking away her freedom next… Ground her from going out with friends. And definitely look for a therapist in your area!0 -
I had this issue, I called the local sheriff dept. and spoke to a deputy, he came by and had a 'chat' and the stealing stopped.0
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Thanks all for your input I am off to bed I hope you all have a goodnight0
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missiontofitness wrote: »redmeg1972 wrote: »I had one who was caught shoplifting at the local grocery. Stupid stuff-- toiletries I would have gotten if she'd asked. Never got a straight answer out of WHY she was doing it.
Luckily the store didn't press charges. (Having an 8-month pregnant mama show up in hysterical tears chewing out the thieving child may have helped. I think they were afraid I'd have the baby then and there.) Daughter was under **house arrest** when she got home. She went nowhere except school and straight back home, driven both ways. I informed the school teachers that supervised the activities she was in (newspaper and drama) why she was being pulled out of their program immediately.
House arrest continued for a few months. She was eventually paroled when she completed a lengthy writing assignment my husband and I assigned. We are Catholic so we assigned her HARD challenging reading from the Catechism and Thomas Aquinas. She had to discuss in her paper matters pertaining to theft, dishonesty, pride, and I forget what else. (I figured while we had her, we would address *all* the issues that had been bubbling for a while.)
She hated us while we were doing it.
She has since turned things around unbelievably. Straight A college student majoring in (don't laugh) CRIMINAL JUSTICE, because she wants to catch bad guys and put them away.
She was also in therapy at the time. I can't recommend enough finding a good counselor that a troubled teen can talk to-- even if the trouble is entirely of their own making, they need help from someone NOT MOM OR DAD who can help them look at what's going on and figure out how to make better decisions.
I hope this helps. Don't be down on yourself-- this is not a reflection of your parenting.
Love everything about this!
Me too!
I want to add as well; keep strong and keep at it. You've already laid down a good foundation to address this. It will probably be tough; I know as a former teenager we have quite the colorful vocabulary and set of lungs on us; but just keep at it! I really hope you have a positive resolutoin to all this.
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missiontofitness wrote: »missiontofitness wrote: »redmeg1972 wrote: »I had one who was caught shoplifting at the local grocery. Stupid stuff-- toiletries I would have gotten if she'd asked. Never got a straight answer out of WHY she was doing it.
Luckily the store didn't press charges. (Having an 8-month pregnant mama show up in hysterical tears chewing out the thieving child may have helped. I think they were afraid I'd have the baby then and there.) Daughter was under **house arrest** when she got home. She went nowhere except school and straight back home, driven both ways. I informed the school teachers that supervised the activities she was in (newspaper and drama) why she was being pulled out of their program immediately.
House arrest continued for a few months. She was eventually paroled when she completed a lengthy writing assignment my husband and I assigned. We are Catholic so we assigned her HARD challenging reading from the Catechism and Thomas Aquinas. She had to discuss in her paper matters pertaining to theft, dishonesty, pride, and I forget what else. (I figured while we had her, we would address *all* the issues that had been bubbling for a while.)
She hated us while we were doing it.
She has since turned things around unbelievably. Straight A college student majoring in (don't laugh) CRIMINAL JUSTICE, because she wants to catch bad guys and put them away.
She was also in therapy at the time. I can't recommend enough finding a good counselor that a troubled teen can talk to-- even if the trouble is entirely of their own making, they need help from someone NOT MOM OR DAD who can help them look at what's going on and figure out how to make better decisions.
I hope this helps. Don't be down on yourself-- this is not a reflection of your parenting.
Love everything about this!
Me too!
I want to add as well; keep strong and keep at it. You've already laid down a good foundation to address this. It will probably be tough; I know as a former teenager we have quite the colorful vocabulary and set of lungs on us; but just keep at it! I really hope you have a positive resolutoin to all this.
Thanks so much for the positive outlook, I will try.
Many blessings to all of you0 -
Put an end to it now. Its better for her to find out she doesn't like jail now before she finds out she doesn't like prison later. If it continues you may eventually find yourself in the compromising position of enabling her by protecting her. It is critical for young people to learn consequences while the are still young and the consequences are still relatively light.0
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Put an end to it now. Its better for her to find out she doesn't like jail now before she finds out she doesn't like prison later. If it continues you may eventually find yourself in the compromising position of enabling her by protecting her. It is critical for young people to learn consequences while the are still young and the consequences are still relatively light.
I agree with this...0 -
I agree I think this is what she needs and perhaps some different friendssalembambi wrote: »honestly it sounds like she needs therapy and attention
When I was 12, I stole makeup from a store and my mom found out. She made me take it back in to the store and apologize as well as pay for the stuff,(which I didn't get to keep).Afterward my dad lectured and yelled at me. I never stole anything again.
That worked for me, but if it's a deeper issue or kleptomania, counseling is the answer.0 -
Watch the movie Thirteen for a little insight.0
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I'd call the cops on my child, make them bring the stuff back and freaking make them wear a shirt about what they did,public shame will make somebody think twice! Goodbye social life,welcome to hell!!
Yeah,I'm that kind of parent!0 -
salembambi wrote: »honestly it sounds like she needs therapy and attention
this^
i saw this behavior on Breaking Bad so i know what i talking about0 -
Please take her to therapy! She's not a bad person just your sweet kind funny daughter displaying some bad behaviours. There has to be a reason she's doing it; giving her the safety of therapy to talk it out could really help. Good luck!0
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Ps. Give her back the door to her bedroom!0
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Seriously have people still not learned to back stuff up...
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Sounds like you are doing what you can as a parent. .. i would recommend getting her to a counselor. She will hate it and most likely get really pissy about going, but keep taking her. Make sure she knows that going isn't a punishment, but a tool, for her use only, to help her with whatever she may be going through. Then leave it at that, don't ask her questions about her sessions, don't ask the counselor either. Its private. If there is something serious going on the counselor will tell you. Otherwise, butt out of that. She needs to know that she has some control over it and that she can trust both ypu and the counselor.
Keep doing what you are doing. Be consistent yet firm. When you talk to her about the theft, STAY CALM, dont get sucked into any yelling or arguing. Do the opposite of what she expects, it will get her attention faster than doing what she thinks you will do.
Beyond that, keep loving her unconditionally. Make sure you give her twice or three times as much positive reinforcement as you give correction. Make sure she knows how great you think she is as a person and how that wont ever change.... and that this other behavior doesnt define who she is. Then, stop calling her a theif. She may be stealing things, but those actions alone don't define her. Labels like that can be hard to carry for an otherwise good kid.
Good luck, teenagers are tough, I have two myself. There are times when i want to scream and shake them, and others when i just want to hold them forever. ..of course i cant do either, but that doesnt stop me from wanting to try.... lol0 -
I have 6 kids, my older 2 have both been hard to deal with at some point in their teenage lives, my oldest girl though.... wow.... she really put us through it.
I've learned, that she has to figure out why she's doing this, not you. You will find out as well, but it has to be her epiphany. To help her I would suggest counseling first and foremost. Also, take away her priveldges, but reward her for completing punishments like hand writting letters to the people she stole from explaining that she is sorry for what she did, why she did it, why it was wrong and that she realizes what trouble she caused for the person she stole from. For instance:
I'm sorry I stole your tablet. I understand that by stealing your tablet I made it difficult for you to...
Tell her how many pages it needs to be. By handwritting it, she will put more thought into what she is saying than she would if she were talking to them face to face.
Read the letter before giving it to the recipient, if it's heartfelt, give her some of her privacy back, but not all.
Explain to her that stealing is a betrayal of trust. Have her do research papers on stealing, betrayal, trust, self confidence and self worth.
Having the kids do homework has always helped at my house. All kids are different though, and that's why counseling is important. The teen years are hard, especially for girls. And sometimes they just need to talk to someone who is not their parents, someone who won't judge them.
Edited to add: If you decide to send her to counseling, and she doesn't like her counselor after maybe 4 visits, get her a new counselor, it only works if they are willing to go, if you can find a younger female therapist I'd go with that.0 -
I love how people assume I am not punishing her for her stealing. The thing is all of us hang out and talk all the time. We seem to have a good family connection we talk. She gets very angry and mean when I bring up the stealing. She does get punished and she does get caught. I am a responsible parent. I check my kids messages and phones and make sure they are making good choices.
The punishments I have given her just are not working! Right now she is grounded from all electronics including her phone and has no door on her room.
It's almost like she is in jail already.....
It's interesting that the only time she really acts out is when you try to approach her about the stealing. It sounds to me like she knows very well that her behavior is wrong and unacceptable, but she doesn't want to face it or you so she gets defensive. So she is doing the toddler thing and carrying on and acting like a brat until she wears you out and you stop asking. My guess is that it is more of an attention-seeking thing and possibly even a way to get back at you or other adults if she feels that she is being punished unjustly. I remember being that age and the best way to insure that I would continue doing a bad behavior would have been to punish me for the bad behavior. Because YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME lol. Anyway, maybe since punishment isn't working and may even be backfiring it is time to take a more compassionate approach. Since she won't talk to you, can you think of any other adult that she may be willing to sit down with and open up to? Or maybe having her talk to a counselor by herself is the best thing because it is someone she can talk to without her interfering parent (that's you lol) getting up in her business. Sometimes people just can't or won't talk to the people that they are closest to about what's bothering them. They almost need a third party who is removed from the situation so that they don't feel like they are being judged or getting a biased point of view.0 -
FatFreeFrolicking wrote: »First off, have you confronted your child about his/her stealing?
Secondly… What are they stealing? Is it money? If yes, I would be concerned as to why they are stealing money rather than asking. I have friends who have siblings who stole money from their parents… to pay for their drug addiction. Not trying to make you worry nor am I assuming it's to pay for drugs (just covering all possible scenarios) but if that is the case with your child, you need to find out so that you can get him/her the help they need.
I have talked to her and also drug tested her, she steals electronics and make up
I would take ALL her things away until she learns to respect the property of others. She'd literally be sleeping on a mattress on her (or maybe my) bedroom floor, and wearing jeans with a plain white t-shirt every day.0 -
I love how people assume I am not punishing her for her stealing. The thing is all of us hang out and talk all the time. We seem to have a good family connection we talk. She gets very angry and mean when I bring up the stealing. She does get punished and she does get caught. I am a responsible parent. I check my kids messages and phones and make sure they are making good choices.
The punishments I have given her just are not working! Right now she is grounded from all electronics including her phone and has no door on her room.
It's almost like she is in jail already.....
It's interesting that the only time she really acts out is when you try to approach her about the stealing. It sounds to me like she knows very well that her behavior is wrong and unacceptable, but she doesn't want to face it or you so she gets defensive. So she is doing the toddler thing and carrying on and acting like a brat until she wears you out and you stop asking. My guess is that it is more of an attention-seeking thing and possibly even a way to get back at you or other adults if she feels that she is being punished unjustly. I remember being that age and the best way to insure that I would continue doing a bad behavior would have been to punish me for the bad behavior. Because YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME lol. Anyway, maybe since punishment isn't working and may even be backfiring it is time to take a more compassionate approach. Since she won't talk to you, can you think of any other adult that she may be willing to sit down with and open up to? Or maybe having her talk to a counselor by herself is the best thing because it is someone she can talk to without her interfering parent (that's you lol) getting up in her business. Sometimes people just can't or won't talk to the people that they are closest to about what's bothering them. They almost need a third party who is removed from the situation so that they don't feel like they are being judged or getting a biased point of view.
thanks for this0 -
I love how people assume I am not punishing her for her stealing. The thing is all of us hang out and talk all the time. We seem to have a good family connection we talk. She gets very angry and mean when I bring up the stealing. She does get punished and she does get caught. I am a responsible parent. I check my kids messages and phones and make sure they are making good choices.
The punishments I have given her just are not working! Right now she is grounded from all electronics including her phone and has no door on her room.
It's almost like she is in jail already.....
No, that's nothing like jail. That's like being grounded at home, in her comfy room, surrounded by people who care about her. Jail is serious business. It's scary, intimidating and cold.
Honestly? Therapy sounds like a good choice. But I would also call the Sheriff's office and see if they can scare her straight a little bit. Obviously, what you are doing isn't working. I think some tough love is needed here...
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I havent read all the responses, so sorry if I am saying something that has already been addressed, but if it were my child I would have a policeman come and talk to her (I know several cops or deputies in our county). OR have her arrested for stealing, kind of like a scared straight tactic. I often wonder if those kids who go on the Scared Straight show actually straighten their lives up. I always tell my children that if they break the law I will let the cops come and arrest them. It scares them enough that they straighten up.0
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Take them to a prison or one of those scared straight tours0
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I would call the cops on her, it will scare the *kitten* out of her0
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