How to respond to family members who disagree with weight goal
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My family is the exact opposite of all the people who's family think they are losing too much. My mom will compliment me on my loss and then ask how much more I still need to lose...she knows I'm still fat. lol0
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blktngldhrt wrote: »This is likely going to come off as really rude, but I can't think of another way to say it (plus I'm exhausted right now). It kind of annoys me that a lot of people just keep saying "don't bring it up/talk to them." Did you all miss where I said I am not the one who brings it up? They are. Just changing the subject doesn't work that easily because they will just continue to talk about it- even when I steer the conversation a different way.
So please people, stop suggesting that I just shouldn't bring it up.
If you're not willing to tell them you aren't discussing it with them anymore, because doing so only causes issues, ...then you're just going to have to deal with their negative remarks concerning your goals.
There isn't a magical thing to say to people who are ignorant when it comes to weight loss and healthy goals. Your parents will always be concerned about you. So either say "these are my goals for becoming the healthiest person I can be..if you don't like it tough" or deal with them not agreeing with your weight-loss goals.
I have hold them this about a hundred times they'll be okay for maybe 2 days and then start back up again. So again, just saying I won't talk about it does not help.0 -
I have read this thread with interest. Several people have said that your family probably can't visualise where you might be aiming to end up, and I can relate to that myself. After I had lost about 7kg I was wondering where the other 3kg were going to come from (I didn't have all that much to lose, luckily). Now that remaining 3kg are also pretty much gone, and I think I could probably comfortably lose another 3kg or even 5kg to put me at about 21 BMI. What I am trying to say is that I couldn't really visualise that quite small loss for myself - how much harder is it for someone else (e.g. in your case your family)?
Good luck anyway: it sounds as though you are doing really well and I hope your family come to understand what you are aiming to achieve.0 -
Had the same problem with my mom. I have been overweight my entire life so I think when she sees me now she thinks I'm skinny but in reality I still have another 40 lbs till I reach my "average" BMI, and could probably lose another 10-20 on top of that if I wanted. It started off, " I'm so happy for you!" and now every time I see her she comments on how fat she feels next to me
Can't win for losing, literally lol 0 -
If you need to show a visual of what you look like vs. what you want to look like: there is always this site: Model My Diet. That way they can see what another 50lbs would do.0
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I get the BMI thing I really do, but I don't think the healthy range is for everyone. In my peak shape in high school I was 200lbs and in great shape and was considered overweight. It says I should weigh 168lbs. I have always had the bigger structure and build. I honestly think if I were to weigh 167lbs I would look sick. I am 69in tall be the way.0
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How To Re-Direct Family Comments
1. Look startled and say, "I can't believe you would make such a personal comment." Ask how they like the weather.
2. Answer the question they should have asked, "Thank you, I appreciate your kind thoughts." Ask how they like the weather.
3. Pretend you didn't hear the comments. Look vague, then ask how they like the weather.
4. Excuse yourself and leave the room for a minute. Return and ask how they like the weather.
Your family isn't interested in a discussion of your health goals, they want the fun of watching you spin when they push your buttons. (Not necessarily a conspiracy; most people do this unconsciously.) Disconnect your buttons, eliminate the spinning, stop their fun. Prepare for an elevation of their attempts before they recognize you've changed the game.
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OP, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. It also sounds like your parent are still parental...we have that problem. (I have kids your age, lol). Its like a powdered butt syndrome: they've powdered your butt as a baby & still think you need guidance, albeit the wrong kind. I would definitely invite your dad onto your walks. This could turn into a nice father-daughter time and you may hear stories you've never heard before. Don't call it "exercise" or "daily exercise" as to me that term sounds like a turnoff.
As for your Mom and history of your upbringing and her view on an unwed daughter, you could always play devils advocate in that area and tell your Mom you want to be "fit and healthy" for your future husband and children! That should knock her socks off!! lol Probably avoid using the phrase "losing weight" because she can't wrap her head around that one anymore.0 -
blktngldhrt wrote: »This is likely going to come off as really rude, but I can't think of another way to say it (plus I'm exhausted right now). It kind of annoys me that a lot of people just keep saying "don't bring it up/talk to them." Did you all miss where I said I am not the one who brings it up? They are. Just changing the subject doesn't work that easily because they will just continue to talk about it- even when I steer the conversation a different way.
So please people, stop suggesting that I just shouldn't bring it up.
If you're not willing to tell them you aren't discussing it with them anymore, because doing so only causes issues, ...then you're just going to have to deal with their negative remarks concerning your goals.
There isn't a magical thing to say to people who are ignorant when it comes to weight loss and healthy goals. Your parents will always be concerned about you. So either say "these are my goals for becoming the healthiest person I can be..if you don't like it tough" or deal with them not agreeing with your weight-loss goals.
I have hold them this about a hundred times they'll be okay for maybe 2 days and then start back up again. So again, just saying I won't talk about it does not help.
Right. There comes a point where you have to stop saying you won't talk about it and actually not talk about it. It's either that or deal with their comments..0 -
jessupbrady wrote: »If you need to show a visual of what you look like vs. what you want to look like: there is always this site: Model My Diet. That way they can see what another 50lbs would do.
thats a neat visualizer! ill have to save that! at least now i dont feel bad that ive lost 17 pounds and cant see any difference! LOLOLOLOL0 -
blktngldhrt wrote: »This is likely going to come off as really rude, but I can't think of another way to say it (plus I'm exhausted right now). It kind of annoys me that a lot of people just keep saying "don't bring it up/talk to them." Did you all miss where I said I am not the one who brings it up? They are. Just changing the subject doesn't work that easily because they will just continue to talk about it- even when I steer the conversation a different way.
So please people, stop suggesting that I just shouldn't bring it up.
If you're not willing to tell them you aren't discussing it with them anymore, because doing so only causes issues, ...then you're just going to have to deal with their negative remarks concerning your goals.
There isn't a magical thing to say to people who are ignorant when it comes to weight loss and healthy goals. Your parents will always be concerned about you. So either say "these are my goals for becoming the healthiest person I can be..if you don't like it tough" or deal with them not agreeing with your weight-loss goals.
I have hold them this about a hundred times they'll be okay for maybe 2 days and then start back up again. So again, just saying I won't talk about it does not help.
I have this issue with my dad about money. He's weird about money, I'm weird about money because it was such a stressful topic when I was a kid, and yet he wants to talk to me about how I've invested, who is advising me, and what I should be doing instead.
He brings it up constantly.
I have no choice but to say "you know I prefer not discussing that." He acts hurt. That's life. It sucks sometimes, and it stresses me out.
But I really think that's your best option here. Eventually they will either respect your wishes or they won't. But if it were me I'd refuse to discuss it.0 -
Honestly, my Mom was like this for years/decades. I told her to shut up about my weight, and it didn't help. I ignored the comments, and it didn't help. She made nasty comments which hurt a lot and I found extremely demotivating. In the end, while I planned and paid for a wonderful weekend with them, while I was nearby on a business trip (I live overseas), I warned her beforehand (in front of my Dad) if she mentioned my weight one time, I would ship her straight back home on her own, spend the weekend with just my Dad and wouldn't visit her again. And I really meant it, even though it would have broken my heart.
It worked and we get on much better as a result. She doesn't know I've lost weight (we haven't been face-to-face for a couple of years), but I'm pretty sure she can see that I look different from Skype/photos and she hasn't said a word, bless her.0 -
I suggest to stop talking with them about this; they are obviously unable to think clearly where weight is concerned.
I have found that there are some obese and overweight people who are exactly like the drug addicts I left behind almost 23 years ago. They so cannot stand the thought of anyone getting away from the unhealthy patterns that are theirs, and literally growing beyond them emotionally, that they reach out and try to pull you down again to where they are. Not only does my ex refuse to try to eat healthy, he tries to sabotage my healthy eating, encouraging me to eat more, have a snack, have some candy. He did the same to me when I was quitting drugs. I limit my exposure to him.
When I was a drug addict I cut all those addicts right out of my life. I could not deal with their, "here, just have a little, just a little bit won't hurt you". "you're not really an addict, an addict never knows they are one". "i'll give this one to you free, i know you don't really need it, i'm just trying to help you feel happy, you seem so unhappy right now".
Insert food/weight into any of that and you will see the same thing. Your parents think that being thin and healthy is making you unhappy, they want to make you happy the only way they know how, FOOD AND FAT. Since these are your parents I am going to guess that it's not that they don't love you, it's that they have very unhealthy thought patterns.
You should also think about whether or not you are playing a part in the fact that they might think you are unhappy. Do you grouch about your diet or exercise in any way in front of them. Are you irritable, I mean more so than usual? It's not just being on a diet that can make us irritable, there are nutrients you may be missing that can cause you to be irritable. A lack of calcium/magnesium, a lack of omegas. A lack of vitamin D3, some B vitamins. Check your cholesterol levels. Lower cholesterol can make you irritable. You don't get cholesterol by consuming high cholesterol foods, your liver Creates ALL of your own cholesterol, but it does so from the fats you ingest. Fats are necessary to life and should not ever be entirely cut out of any diet. Most people don't know that a lack of cholesterol in their blood can cause a temporary schizophrenia. "People who are deficient in omega-3s may suffer from bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, eating disorders, and ADHD".
If you are on an extremely low calorie diet, I suggest doing some research on adding supplements, or changing the way you eat in order to include what you may be missing. For myself I have been on supplements for years. I don't mega dose, I don't take every vitamin/mineral/supplement known to mankind; I just give thought to my diet, and the way my body and my attitude is responding to life, and add supplements accordingly.
Whatever it is you choose to do, I hope you find what works.0 -
How To Re-Direct Family Comments
1. Look startled and say, "I can't believe you would make such a personal comment." Ask how they like the weather.
2. Answer the question they should have asked, "Thank you, I appreciate your kind thoughts." Ask how they like the weather.
3. Pretend you didn't hear the comments. Look vague, then ask how they like the weather.
4. Excuse yourself and leave the room for a minute. Return and ask how they like the weather.
LOL! I think I can apply this to just about any topic of personal convo with just about anyone... I love this =D
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How To Re-Direct Family Comments
1. Look startled and say, "I can't believe you would make such a personal comment." Ask how they like the weather.
2. Answer the question they should have asked, "Thank you, I appreciate your kind thoughts." Ask how they like the weather.
3. Pretend you didn't hear the comments. Look vague, then ask how they like the weather.
4. Excuse yourself and leave the room for a minute. Return and ask how they like the weather.
Your family isn't interested in a discussion of your health goals, they want the fun of watching you spin when they push your buttons. (Not necessarily a conspiracy; most people do this unconsciously.) Disconnect your buttons, eliminate the spinning, stop their fun. Prepare for an elevation of their attempts before they recognize you've changed the game.
Hahaha awesome! Wish I could do that at work.0 -
Honestly, I'd try to change the subject as soon as possible and keep the conversation light.
"My doctor says that's a good goal for my body type and it puts me right in the middle of my ideal BMI range. Don't worry, I like food too much to let myself waste away." *Smile* "Did you see the game last night?"0 -
I think it's hard for people to picture what 20 lbs or 50 lbs actually looks like off a person. 10 pounds doesn't look like much, 20 pounds looks like a bit, and when you hear "50 pounds" you jump right to "OH EM GEE THERE WILL BE NOTHING LEFT OF YOU!". Unless you've experienced weight loss on your own body, you really can't picture it. I think that's what's happening with your family. Maybe?0
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One minute they are proud, the next they start chastising and yelling.
I really do think this just comes from a place of concern. They're happy for you, but may not know what is healthiest for you. My mother does the same, one minute saying how great I'm looking, the next (I think it must be something about the scales/weighing food, it freaks people out) saying that's how people become anorexic, then asking if I can write her a workout program the next day.
Generally I just promise my family that I am doing this because I want to do things that are good for my body and this is what I have determined is best for me. If they persist I suppose you can point out the obvious and say well it's a good thing you don't have to live in my body then.
ETA: I also never talk "numbers" with anyone, family included. Use more vague generic terms.
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My mom was a cake decorator and thin - and two of her kids were always overweight (one is me). She would make cakes and mess them up once in a while and give them to us to eat. We were kids- of course we're going to eat it!!! (and then wash it down with soda pop!!) She cooked with butter and cheese and fat and everything on the dinner table was full of tons of calories. Her and my dad had crazy high metabolisms so it never effected their weight. She would often tell my brother and me that we needed to lose weight. One summer she put me on the 'cabbage soup' diet - and made the soup for me. VATS of it. I was 15. I lost 80 lbs. in like 6 months! But it was NOT a healthy way to do it - especially as a teen! I think her intentions were fairly good, but she was ignorant about weight loss/gain because she never had to worry about it. Although she used to drive me totally crazy, now that she's gone I wish she was around to see me losing weight! Just let them think/say what they will with a grain of salt knowing they care - and then change the subject. YOU are in charge of you!0
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hezemakiah wrote: »Her and my dad had crazy high metabolisms so it never effected their weight.
If you were a teenager, you had a faster metabolism than they did.
They just had no problem eating at maintenance without counting, because they instinctively stopped eating when they had enough food. Millions of people do this. They don't count calories and they don't gain weight so we assume they have "crazy fast" metabolisms. But when you count what they're really eating, it's not all that much.
Let me guess: You'd take 2-3 servings of everything and your mom would take a more moderate smaller portion, and you probably never noticed, right?
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PammieSuzyQ wrote: »
You should also think about whether or not you are playing a part in the fact that they might think you are unhappy. Do you grouch about your diet or exercise in any way in front of them. Are you irritable, I mean more so than usual? It's not just being on a diet that can make us irritable, there are nutrients you may be missing that can cause you to be irritable. A lack of calcium/magnesium, a lack of omegas. A lack of vitamin D3, some B vitamins. Check your cholesterol levels. Lower cholesterol can make you irritable. You don't get cholesterol by consuming high cholesterol foods, your liver Creates ALL of your own cholesterol, but it does so from the fats you ingest. Fats are necessary to life and should not ever be entirely cut out of any diet. Most people don't know that a lack of cholesterol in their blood can cause a temporary schizophrenia. "People who are deficient in omega-3s may suffer from bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, eating disorders, and ADHD".
If you are on an extremely low calorie diet, I suggest doing some research on adding supplements, or changing the way you eat in order to include what you may be missing.
I am sorry, but the whole bipolar may just be missing something nutrient wise bothers the living daylights out of me. My parents honestly believed when I was a teen that if I got the right nutrients and natural remedy, my symptoms would go away. What to know what really happened? They were SO convinced that vitamins would help that they missed the symptoms leading up to a manic episode. That did not end well for any of us.
I really take issue to people suggesting mental illness can be treated with supplements. It is dangerous. Yes, there are issues with chemical imbalence in the brain. The way to treat that is medication, not supplements.
At no time did I suggest I was on VLCD. I am well above the 1200 "limit" each day.
No, doing research via dr. Google is never a good idea when it comes to your health. There is so much bad information out there. Blood tests are the way to tell if you have a deficiency, not random symptoms you ask google about. I have seen many people do actual harm to their body because they believed they should be taking a certain kind of supplement based on generic symptoms. A really good example: right now I have a flu virus. If I were to ask dr. Google about my symptoms you know what comes up? Ebola. There is absolutely no chance of me having contracted that since I a) have never been to Africa and b) none of my PTs have travelled either.0 -
OP, too many comments so I didn't read them all. I think when you get older you stop caring about what others say. I'm 47 and don't give a fig about what people think about my weightloss goals or clothes or choices or anything! You have one life; it's yours and no one elses. Don't spend it worrying or explaining yourself. When you give people details or explanations you are inviting them to judge and criticize. Set boundaries by keeping things like this private and they will eventually get that it's not a topic for discussion.0
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I have not read all the responses so sorry if this is a repeat
there is a website called my body gallery, basically people can post pictures of themselves and you can see based on sex, height, and weight. This could be useful, show your parents some pictures of people at your goal weight. Sometimes numbers just sound so large and extreme, but if they see other people with your body type at your goal weight who don't look like starvation cases maybe it will help them understand. Also if you have other people in your family at a healthy weight who are willing to share their stats use that for backup.0 -
My family used to call me fat now at my weight now I get told I'm too skinny and look disgusting so I just think this :
"My results ruin their excuses."0 -
I recently transitioned to being vegan from 3 years of solid vegetarianism (was on the fence about eating meat for most of my life, and started and stopped eating it for many years for various reasons). My entire family are very overweight (most are morbidly obese. My mother is over 300lb) and don't consider it a meal unless it's at least 1/3 meat. They fry everything under the sun and think bacon hung the moon. I love most of them to pieces, but they haven't the foggiest idea of what a healthy diet looks like, and for me, right now, the only way to really keep myself from "cheating" is to just not eat anything they cook, and keep myself on a pretty strict, yet nutrition packed lifestyle of tons of fruit and vegetables, with some nuts and seeds, with rices and beans most days as well as occasional pastas/breads (I try to keep bread/pasta to once or twice a week). It's worked wonders for me. My family thinks I'm COMPLETELY and entirely insane and have officially gone off the deep end. I may as well be an alien from another planet, the way I eat is so vastly different from the way they do. They tell me I'm not getting any protein and tell me that I'm going to starve to death (I'm 5'6", female, and eat between 1200-1500 calories per day, and get quite enough protein. I'm not starving to death any time soon), and tease me for eating like a rabbit.
On the other hand, I have a small cluster of friends who encourage me and occasionally send me recipes they think I would like, as well as ask me to share my cook book when I feed them something they find to be exceptionally delicious. I've lost over 50lb (which is hard to do when you have PCOS) so far, and am still going, so I know I'm doing SOMETHING right, as the results are there, and even my doctor's on board since I brought my recipe book and examples of my typical weekly meal plans that I've used to get this weight off until this point, and my blood tests are showing much improvement. I was close to being pre-diabetic, and my cholesterol was super high, but that's no longer the case, too.
It does get rough, though. I've had my dark moments, but I can see the results of my efforts in my body. 50lb is a ton of weight. I want to lose between 40-60 more, which will put me squarely in the healthy range for my height.
When my family starts up, I tell them that my doctor disagrees with them, and he's a pretty smart dude, so I'm going to go ahead and listen to him. If they keep up with it, I usually pour on the guilt and say something along the lines of "You know, I'm trying to do what I think is right for myself and my body. I'm not giving you crap about what you eat, or giving you unsolicited advice. I've lost a ton of weight and keep losing more. I wish you would just be happy for me." If they continue to push and end up getting me angry, which they do sometimes, sometimes I'll ask them why, if they know so much about nutrition and health, that they can't seem to lose the weight they say they want to lose so badly, when I am doing just that.0 -
Why not just say "I'm not sure, I'll see how I feel as I keep going'
No need to put an exact number on it that may freak them out (happens with my mom too, though it doesn't turn into an argument and we don't talk about it very often). Just say you aren't sure and you will see as you lose the weight.0 -
I agree. Most people are terrible at guessing how much weight someone needs to lose. With people like this I usually say, "a few more pounds".
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"Why do you lose so much", "that will be too thin" etc. I didn't really know how to respond to them, so just said "well my MD thinks my weight goal is good" (she actually did say that) and if they don't want to be supportive, the front door is that way". .
My doctors seem to think being out of obesity and at a midpoint in overweight is a good point. I say no way - the diabetes test adds one point for being overweight and 2 for being obese.
If I was younger I might agree with them but at 57 I want to do whatever it takes to improve my chances of being healthy into my 70s. I can't stop adding points for age but I can improve my odds by having my weight in the normal range.
It's my choice no one else.
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