Relationship problem (don't know where else to post)

JazzKazz150
JazzKazz150 Posts: 11 Member
edited November 14 in Motivation and Support
I really don't know where else to post this, I'm just really desperate for help. My friends are telling me to drop this guy out of my life for good. My ex was someone who was very protective and had a lot of trust issues due to being cheated in a past relationship. Basically my ex (still my best friend- or at least i hope) and i had a really big fight 2 weeks ago about him accusing me of not loving him while we were dating and intentionally trying to make him jealous (even though he knows that I'm absolutly still crazy for him) he made me feel bad for a week by saying "*kitten* you, I'm done. I'm torn" and said that i was being a hypocrite and too controlling (which yes, i'll agree, i was. I kept apologizing to him and saying i will change since i had no idea what i was doing since this was my first relationship). I didn't even know what initiated the fight.

But yes, it was my blame and i've tried to make it up to him. I tried to talk it out in person but overtime i tried to say something, he would say "*kitten* you, idc if what i do hurts you, you need to feel my pain". Eventually one of my friends told me to stop talking to him since his objective was to make me feel bad (which he did, to the point where i was upset for a whole week and feeling incredibly guilty.) My friends took me out to the mall that day and i read his texts (last thing he said was to not message him anymore) and gave my phone to my friend who gave it back at the end of the night. I checked my messages and my ex had messaged me hours later saying that he was sorry and talking as if everything was okay. Now this is my first relationship to be honest.

One of my new friends I made (a guy) messaged me and we were talking (no flirting, it was mostly about school and assignments and eventually it came to casual talk- but no flirting). Now, I finally met this friend in person (we started talking on fb at first) and in person i've met him 2 times- only in lectures, never during free times even though he had asked me multiple times to chill with him. My ex and i broke up a month ago and i still told my friend how i was still in love with my ex. My friend texted me yesterday and started joking flirting even tho i didn't feel comfortable with it, but replied as dryly as i could.

My ex read our texts and yelled at me for flirting back (which i swear to god, i didn't know. Usually when i flirt, i send flirtatious emoji's but not once talking to this friend had i ever sent a winking face or smirk). Once again my ex started claiming that i was flirting (all my friend had said to me was oh lets go buy some food in a joking way, to which i replied haha only if the food is all for me and then him replying with so its a date? to which i told him straight out that right now, i didn't want to play flirt or anything like that). I'm a very clueless girl, so i'll admit it was my fault. I told my ex that i was sorry and i hadn't meant to intentionally flirt back (and i was sincere). My ex decided to once again think i liked my friend and if the tables were turned, he would be in bigger trouble. I go onto twitter and see him tweeting about my actions (although indirectly) to which i asked him to not do that.

I later messaged him saying "i give up. You think whatever" and muting all notifications. I don't know what to do. I feel like everything i do is wrong. I know i should have been more careful, but it was never my intention to make my friend flirt with me or even "flirt" back, despite talking constantly about being in love with my ex to him. I do take the blame, and i have apologized multiple times to which he sarcastically talks back to me. I'm too scared to go on twitter or even check my phone in case i see something that will hurt me. How long should i not talk to him? It was never my intention to flirt, i hadn't even known i was flirting. Why would i flirt with another guy after ending a relationship so recently? He was my first love, and its hard trying to get over him. Although he thinks it'll be easy for me. What if he never forgives me? I don't want our friendship to end...
- (please be easy with any criticism. I truly didn't know what I was doing. I already feel guilty and frustrated. I just want to know what to do). Thank you
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Replies

  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
    Honestly it needs paragraphs. He sounds like an immature jerk and you sound very emotional over it all. What are your most important questions and will you take any notice of the answers?
  • FatFreeFrolicking
    FatFreeFrolicking Posts: 4,252 Member
    Can you please edit your post and put the context into paragraphs?

  • gibbysmith1
    gibbysmith1 Posts: 37 Member
    You are putting so much effort into the relationship trying apologizing and changing is it all worth. Ask yourself are you happy?
  • Adc7225
    Adc7225 Posts: 1,318 Member
    This is my relationship advice I offer everyone. Do what you feel is best for you at this time and realize when it is time for you to end this relationship with this person you will know it. By relationship I mean all contact based on your description of your relationship.
  • kbmnurse
    kbmnurse Posts: 2,484 Member
    OMG why waste so much negative energy of this person. MOVE on. >:)
  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,626 Member
    its your life. take responsibility for your own happiness and future.
  • Mr_Bad_Example
    Mr_Bad_Example Posts: 2,403 Member
    Just get married.
  • emdeesea
    emdeesea Posts: 1,823 Member
    Classic typical behavior of an abusive controller. You have to walk on eggshells to not piss him off, you can't have men friends, your behavior upsets him and he blames you for his response.

    You would really be better off without this guy. No good ever comes of a relationship like this one.

    http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
  • smantha32
    smantha32 Posts: 6,990 Member
    Why would you listen to us, if you won't listen to your friends?
  • fattofit_fritch26
    fattofit_fritch26 Posts: 131 Member
    Honestly...if you are putting in more than you are getting out of a relationship then it's not worth it. We are supposed to be happy in life...do things that make us happy, set goals to make out lives better, and be with someone who brings out the best in you. My husband and I vowed to be the sunshine in each other's storm clouds and make life easier for one another, and that's what I think everyone should look for in a partner.

    That being said, you can really only move on if you are ready to...you wont forget him if you still want him, you wont want anyone else, and you wont stop thinking of the things that went wrong. A first love is the hardest to get over, so give yourself some time, but in the end you will breathe again...and eventually you will see what is best for you through unclouded eyes.

    If you fight more than you laugh, it may not be the relationship for you.
  • cbhubbybubble
    cbhubbybubble Posts: 465 Member
    Near as I can figure without paragraphs, you had a controlling boyfriend, broke up, and are still allowing him to control you for some reason. Listen to your friends. Cut your losses and move on. The guy is a douche.
  • toadg53
    toadg53 Posts: 302 Member
    dump his *kitten* as soon as possible. he's a controlling jerk. if he acts like this to you now, what do you think it's going to be like in 3 months ... 6 months? he acts like *kitten* to you, lets you take the blame and cower to him, then when you quit, he says he's sorry. classic abuser. get the hell out while you can. and I speak from experience. do it before you end up bringing another life into the situation.
  • veganbaum
    veganbaum Posts: 1,865 Member
    edited March 2015
    emdeesea wrote: »
    Classic typical behavior of an abusive controller. You have to walk on eggshells to not piss him off, you can't have men friends, your behavior upsets him and he blames you for his response.

    You would really be better off without this guy. No good ever comes of a relationship like this one.

    http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

    This.

    You are so young - and please do not take that in a negative way. It can take a while to figure ourselves out, and I personally think that when we feel comfortable in who we are, we can have better relationships with others.

    You keep saying you know this was your fault and that was your fault. Stop that thinking!
    It's very important for us to reflect on our words and actions if someone is saying we hurt them - to determine whether we really did or said something that may have genuinely been inappropriately hurtful. BUT, that does not mean that just because someone says you hurt them, you have to fall over yourself apologizing. From what you have written, and that's all I'm basing this on, he is being manipulative and trying to make you feel guilty in a way that he shouldn't be doing.

    And frankly, while you say you wouldn't even think of flirting with someone else right now because you've recently come out of your first relationship and are basically trying to heal - your ex has no business getting upset even if you DO flirt with someone.

    That's my opinion. I hope it's helpful in some way.
  • Chrysalid2014
    Chrysalid2014 Posts: 1,038 Member
    Has this guy really accepted that he is your ex or is he secretly (or not so secretly) hoping that if he hangs around long enough you will take him back?

    Your comments sound slightly confused, TBH. You say you want to be best friends with him (so you want a "best friend" that is jealous and posts nasty comments about you on Twitter?) Then you go on to say you are still "crazy for him" (does this mean that you actually want to get back with him?)

    At the risk of sounding like an old fart (which I am), I will say that you will meet people in your life who you are attracted to and even love, and who might even enrich your life in some way, but they are not necessarily good people to have in your life for the long term. Sometimes you are just not compatible at a deeper level, or sometimes they have "issues" that cannot be resolved no matter how much love and nurturance you lavish upon them. However tempting it is to think that we can 'fix it' or change people.

    I wish I had known this when I was young.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Why would you want to spend time with somebody who gets angry at you frequently over things that don't exist anywhere but in his mind?
  • NolanEP84
    NolanEP84 Posts: 2
    If he's your ex, then it's none of his business who you talk to, hang out with, flirt worth, have sex with, etc. He needs to get over himself if he thinks he has any say in the matter. He's just holding you back. He's so insecure with himself with good reason being as that he acts like a first class *kitten*. He knows that his behavior won't be tolerated by most other people/women, so he's trying to keep you close so that he doesn't have to face himself (which is exactly what he needs to do).

    I get that first relationships (loves) seem tough to get past and move on from, but it's only tough from a certain perspective. This guy is using you to cover his insecurities. Move on. Tell him good bye and that you're done talking to him. He's your ex for a reason and it's time for both of you to move on to the next stage of your lives, without the other. Then, don't respond to his texts, calls, emails, etc. Not a peep! No matter what he says, or how much he begs you... do not give in. Focus on you! Set some goals and go after them. Fill your life doing things for you. Seek to improve and to grow in every way possible. Before you realize it, it'll be a week. Then it'll be 3 months. Then 2 years... and when you look back, you won't believe how far you've come and how easy it actually was. Trust yourself. Give yourself the love no one else can. There's too many wonderful things out there to experience to get hung up on someone that isn't helping you grow as a person and challenging you in the right ways. I hope this helps. We're here for you! :)
  • navi_silva
    navi_silva Posts: 2 Member
    Hey I've been in this situation before only I was the guy being a *kitten*. Honestly just leave him. All it is is pent up insecurity and immaturity. If he was worth keeping around he would have had an actual conversation with you about the issues and went on from there. Given that he's acting so spiteful and genuinely foul with his language only shows that hes a little kid throwing a tantrum. A bad past relationship is not an excuse to be annoying and immature, he's carrying the worst type of luggage. Take my criticism with a grain of salt and hopefully you'll save yourself a lot of headaches and heart break.
  • silviaG07
    silviaG07 Posts: 130 Member
    I have to agree with almost most of the people here. First of all you have to love yourself you mentioned, he's your first love and your first boyfriend but this doesn't matter he's not the only man in this world.

    I think this will hurt you at first but will be worth it in the future and personally, I don't think continue talking to him its a good thing because you're going to be attached to him and you're going to always want to talk to him and you will care about what he says which isn't good because you guys aren't dating anymore so you shouldn't pay attention to him.

    Just live your life and be happy, find another person start going out.
  • manderson27
    manderson27 Posts: 3,510 Member
    As a previous poster said. He is your ex but he is still controlling you.

    This is your first relationship but now it is over and you need to move on. I don't think that you should even attempt to stay friends with a man who wants to control who you talk to and how you talk to them. Also how does an ex see your texts?

    Seriously listen to your friends they are trying to give you good advice. They can see how miserable he is making you and are advising you to leave him behind and from the sound of it they are right.

    I know it is hard but you will be happier without him in your life so you can be free to be yourself and not forced to doubt everything you say and do.
  • Whtmask
    Whtmask Posts: 219 Member
    He's immature, selfish, insecure, and manipulating your emotions.

    Don't keep someone like this in your life.

    Find someone who will treat you with love and respect and is comfortable and happy in their own skin.
  • iamfat1967
    iamfat1967 Posts: 17 Member
    Your ex enjoys all the attention and drama you give him. When you can move on and ignore him and put yourself first in a healthy way he will realize what he had. Don't cling to him or apologize and say you'll change. He loves that control and thats not how you treat someone if you really love them.
  • Lissa_Kaye
    Lissa_Kaye Posts: 214 Member
    TBH he sounds really controlling. The fact that you broke up and now he is going off about you messaging someone else, is very controlling. How long were you together and how long ago did you break up? This sounds like it could only really get worse. If you have know him for a really long time, and everything is still fresh, I would distance for a while and see how things are after they cool, if you want to remain friends. Sometimes you just can't with some people. But the guy is sending tons of red flags. I have dated some of my best male friends and never went through anything like that after breaking up.
  • Lasmartchika
    Lasmartchika Posts: 3,440 Member
    Listen to your friends... and drop him forever. He's disrespecting you, yet you're the one apologizing. Let him go and learn to love yourself.

    +1 on this --> helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htmhttp://
  • JadeRabbit08
    JadeRabbit08 Posts: 551 Member
    emdeesea wrote: »
    Classic typical behavior of an abusive controller. You have to walk on eggshells to not piss him off, you can't have men friends, your behavior upsets him and he blames you for his response.

    You would really be better off without this guy. No good ever comes of a relationship like this one.

    http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

    ^^this and most of the other posts on this thread.

    So many red flags in your post. This guy is NOT your friend. He is however very talented at manipulating you. If you end up back with him you will spend the rest of your life apologizing for a long list of imagined transgressions.

    It's not about you doing something wrong. You can't change your behaviour enough to stop him being angry with your behaviour because his anger at your imaginary transgressions is about control. What right has an ex to be angry with you for moving on? If you were flirting it is none of his business.

    I wish you the very best and I suggest that you read up on codependency and abusive relationships. You can spend a lifetime trying to work out how this type of person ticks but it is way more important to explore why you think it's OK for someone to treat you like this. Work that out so you don't keep finding/seeking out the same personality type in your relationships.

    You are young, and attractive and the chances that out of the more than 7 billion people in the world that this guy is "the only one" for you is statistically miniscule. There are lots of amazing human beings in the world, go out and meet them.
  • PrizePopple
    PrizePopple Posts: 3,133 Member
    You're 18. Concentrate on school not guys.

    Unless of course you want to end up like I did... 23 and stuck in an abusive marriage with a newborn baby.
  • JadeRabbit08
    JadeRabbit08 Posts: 551 Member
    gibbysmith1 wrote: »
    You are putting so much effort into the relationship trying apologizing and changing is it all worth. Ask yourself are you happy?


    Wow wish someone had said that to me a decade ago. <3

  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
    Why does your ex even have a say in who you flirt with or not? Or am I missing something?

    I am a firm believer in taking some time apart after a break up (obviously not every relationship can do this). No friends. No contact. While some people successfully manage to be friends, more often than not it is extremely complicated and someone gets hurt. One party usually wants to be friends and the other one hopes they will reconcile.

    It is also hard to get perspective when you are still so close. I can remember not being able to imagine not having my ex in my life - until a few months down the road without him in my life and I realized a lot of other things, primarily that things were much better without him.
  • lmbs1966
    lmbs1966 Posts: 57 Member
    RUN! RUN away as fast as you can and don't look back!
  • JeffS435
    JeffS435 Posts: 133 Member
    I'm exhausted just reading this. dump this loser and move on
  • srcurran
    srcurran Posts: 208 Member
    He's a little fish. Throw him back. You deserve better.
This discussion has been closed.

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