Help! My 20 year old daughter is a closet eater!
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PeachyPlum wrote: »I too was speaking from the standpoint of the daughter who has been in this situation.
Your daughter is IN PAIN. I don't know if it's from the divorce or the loss of her father or something else, but I can promise you she is in some kind of emotional pain, and it's likely that pain is driving her to over eat and hide it.
As her mother, you may want to help, but like I said her weight is not the issue here.
I agree, I do think there is a lot more behind it. She's been through a lot for a girl her age...
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Just an idea...
If food is her comfort, and you want her to feel comfortable with you, maybe have a weekly brunch date with her. Indulge in food that tastes good regardless of how healthy you think it is. Don't talk about the food you are eating and be the one to order desert to share with her so she feels you are accepting of her eating indulgent items in front of you. Talk to her about what she wants to talk about and don't be judgmental in any way. If you do this enough she may stop closet eating because she feels you have truly accepted her.
It just may be a step to having her willing to open herself to you.0 -
carliekitty wrote: »Anyone that tells you that they wish their mom put them on a diet has never had a mom that makes everything about your appearance! I agree with everyone else. My mom made me feel horrible when I was literally 10 lbs at most overweight! Take a breath and stop making it about what you want.
I do not and would never put my daughter down, this is not about looks, she is beautiful inside and out which I tell her all the time. This is about her health0 -
Back off before she decides to move away far from you and have no contact with you. I know because my mother didn't respect my boundaries. It starts with one topic (in your case her weight and she's hating you for it), then that anger will overflow to everything else between both of you. Somewhat like in Tinacar's case, I'm still angry at my mother and I haven't spoken to her in forever and a day.
It was because of my mother that I found out what the cabbage soup diet was, or the military diet... etc etc etc... The more she told me to lose weight, the more I would go to fast food places to eat.
No matter how much you love you her, it has to be up to HER to WANT to lose the weight. STOP BUGGING HER ABOUT HER WEIGHT.0 -
never2bstopped wrote: »Just an idea...
If food is her comfort, and you want her to feel comfortable with you, maybe have a weekly brunch date with her. Indulge in food that tastes good regardless of how healthy you think it is. Don't talk about the food you are eating and be the one to order desert to share with her so she feels you are accepting of her eating indulgent items in front of you. Talk to her about what she wants to talk about and don't be judgmental in any way. If you do this enough she may stop closet eating because she feels you have truly accepted her.
It just may be a step to having her willing to open herself to you.
That is a good idea:) She is so open with me about everything else but there is such a disconnect between us when it comes to food. We do tend to spend our Fridays together, she had to work today though:(. But if we go to Panera or something we usually get a salad. Maybe I should take her to a diner or something:)
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never2bstopped wrote: »Just an idea...
If food is her comfort, and you want her to feel comfortable with you, maybe have a weekly brunch date with her. Indulge in food that tastes good regardless of how healthy you think it is. Don't talk about the food you are eating and be the one to order desert to share with her so she feels you are accepting of her eating indulgent items in front of you. Talk to her about what she wants to talk about and don't be judgmental in any way. If you do this enough she may stop closet eating because she feels you have truly accepted her.
It just may be a step to having her willing to open herself to you.
That is a good idea:) She is so open with me about everything else but there is such a disconnect between us when it comes to food. We do tend to spend our Fridays together, she had to work today though:(. But if we go to Panera or something we usually get a salad. Maybe I should take her to a diner or something:)
Stay away from "health foods" make this a time to indulge together. This needs to let her know that she can eat what she wants in front of you and you won't make any comment on it.0 -
never2bstopped wrote: »Just an idea...
If food is her comfort, and you want her to feel comfortable with you, maybe have a weekly brunch date with her. Indulge in food that tastes good regardless of how healthy you think it is. Don't talk about the food you are eating and be the one to order desert to share with her so she feels you are accepting of her eating indulgent items in front of you. Talk to her about what she wants to talk about and don't be judgmental in any way. If you do this enough she may stop closet eating because she feels you have truly accepted her.
It just may be a step to having her willing to open herself to you.
I agree, that sounds like a good idea!
Unfortunately, right now, it sounds like your daughter doesn't have trust in you, either out of her own personal shame, or the assumption that you dislike her whatever (having been the overweight daughter too, I can attest that often the "concern" gets interpreted as dislike or hatred because those are the feelings felt towards oneself and so we project that onto others. Regardless of it not being the case.) You need to open up a space for her where she feels no judgment, and only the unconditional love that you definitely have for her.
The brunch idea would let her know that she can be with you and that you're not judging her.
And maybe do some outings together that aren't necessarily exercise, but still physical, like walking around the mall, window shopping, mini golf...things that aren't geared towards a discussion of losing weight, but just something you two can do together to bond and enjoy one another's presence. Hopefully, she'll see such activities as enjoyable and it will start a positive affiliation with being active.
Unfortunately, there is no amount of talking, suggesting, discussing that will make her change her ways if she has no intention of doing so. I know the health concerns are there, and are very prevalent, but only she can realize she needs to change. She has to want it for herself in order to change.
I wish you and your daughter the best.0 -
never2bstopped wrote: »Just an idea...
If food is her comfort, and you want her to feel comfortable with you, maybe have a weekly brunch date with her. Indulge in food that tastes good regardless of how healthy you think it is. Don't talk about the food you are eating and be the one to order desert to share with her so she feels you are accepting of her eating indulgent items in front of you. Talk to her about what she wants to talk about and don't be judgmental in any way. If you do this enough she may stop closet eating because she feels you have truly accepted her.
It just may be a step to having her willing to open herself to you.
I agree, that sounds like a good idea!
Unfortunately, right now, it sounds like your daughter doesn't have trust in you, either out of her own personal shame, or the assumption that you dislike her whatever (having been the overweight daughter too, I can attest that often the "concern" gets interpreted as dislike or hatred because those are the feelings felt towards oneself and so we project that onto others. Regardless of it not being the case.) You need to open up a space for her where she feels no judgment, and only the unconditional love that you definitely have for her.
The brunch idea would let her know that she can be with you and that you're not judging her.
And maybe do some outings together that aren't necessarily exercise, but still physical, like walking around the mall, window shopping, mini golf...things that aren't geared towards a discussion of losing weight, but just something you two can do together to bond and enjoy one another's presence. Hopefully, she'll see such activities as enjoyable and it will start a positive affiliation with being active.
Unfortunately, there is no amount of talking, suggesting, discussing that will make her change her ways if she has no intention of doing so. I know the health concerns are there, and are very prevalent, but only she can realize she needs to change. She has to want it for herself in order to change.
I wish you and your daughter the best.
Thank you so much for your advice:) I really do appreciate it!
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I had a similar situation with my daughter, though her father is the food controller not me. When daughter was a child, her dad was very strict about sweets and junk food. At my house, Idc what she ate as long as she ate. I kept finding candy wrappers under her pillow and chocolates in her pockets (after being washed and chocolate everywhere *sigh*). She would spend a lot of time in her room or the bathroom and eat sweets. I talked to her about it (idk how much she understood because she was 5-6 at the time), saying, "You don't have to hide food. Idc what you eat, just please stop hiding it."
Idk if it helped since the 2 households had different ideas about eating and discipline. When I speak to her, she doesn't seem to argue as much with her dad about food.
I agree with others telling you to back off and leave her alone. Idk if you're being strict about what is "acceptable" to eat, but that was a big problem with my kid - she was rebelling the only way she could, by eating food her dad didn't think was "good" for her.0 -
Seriously, leave her alone. I was your daughter. My mother could not believe she had this fat daughter who ate covertly and she did everything she could to 'help' including taking me to a doctor who put me on diet pills at 15, shaming me, punishing me, bribing me - anything she could think of to keep me from eating. At meals she would tell me that I didn't 'need' something she prepared and put on the table. None of it ultimately worked and it became a life long tug of war between us. I'm 67 now and my mother has been dead for 20 years but I'm still showing her and eating stuff I know is bad for me. Consequently, I have to lose more than 50 lbs yet again. I've done it every decade of my life. I mostly eat well, I go to the gym but in the back of my mind I hear Ma telling me I'm fat. The best way you can help her is to just let her know you love her and support her in whatever she chooses to do in life. I know you THINK you are trying to help her but really, you are making it about you and what you want for her. She needs to figure out what she wants for herself.
Wow, I am almost in tears. I was on dexedrine at age 14. That's speed. Black Beauties, they're called on the street, and I hated them. Your story is identical to mine, Karin, and I am so sorry. But I am also comforted knowing there are others out there who had mothers like mine. Ironically, mine turned out to be a very good closet alcoholic and none of us realized it until she was in her 70s. So, loads of dysfunctional family issues going on there.
When my stepdaughters were entering puberty years, they put on some weight. My husband would comment to me about it and wondered if he should say something. I pointed at my butt and told him that's what comes of making an issue of a girl's weight when she's in puberty, a time when all girls fill out. He quickly shut up and he never mentioned it again. Neither did their mother, and both girls are in great shgape, fit, active and gorgeous now that they're in their early 30s.0 -
I don't know that I was strict as in telling her she could never eat junk. I just didn't keep junk food at my house and I have always been fit because of that so that is what she was used to seeing. I would let her get Ice cream and candy sometimes if we were out. I really haven't even brought it up since she turned 18 because she is an adult, but I guess after seing all those cookie boxes this morning, it really made me think again.
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I am going to take this from your daughter's side since I have been there. I know you have good intentions and want what is best for her. However, she won't see it that way. She sees that you are picking at her. Don't point out her weight. She knows full well she is overweight and probably hates herself for it.
What she probably doesn't realize is that she is an emotional eater. She is clearly eating because of her father and probably feels a sense of closeness to him by eating that way. She will reject therapy until she is ready for it. It may never happen, but you have to let her do it on her own. Suggesting it will only make her feel poorly about herself thinking there is something wrong with. She will pull farther away from you.
Don't make her feel bad about food. She is going to do what she wants. It is hard, but all of the things my mother said to me over the years never prompted me to want to lose weight or eat better. I was a closet eater and had so many food issues. It took years before I finally went to therapy to deal with all that stuff. Sometimes it takes longer for people to get there than you would like.
It is tough and there is no easy solution to this problem.0 -
My mother did the same exact thing to me that you are doing to yours. She would tell me I'm absolutely beautiful inside and out but then tell me she was worried for my health due to my food choices. At that time I was 16 years old 5'5 and 130 lbs and only eating once a day because I was in a depression due to things that had happened in my life and I would eat a high in fat high in carbs meal at night to sustain myself. She didn't take the time to notice I never ate breakfast, never asked if I ate lunch at school(I didn't) and thought the smaller the portions I ate at dinner time the better! Instead of not eating at all I began to eat more just to piss her off, and now here I am overweight and guess what my mother still "worries" for my health. Please for the sake of your daughter leave her be! She is emotionally stressed maybe even depressed. The best thing you can so is be her rock and support her, tell her you love her no matter what and that she is beautiful every day. Don't push her to want to piss you off/hurt you.0
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Wow, I was hoping for some insight from someone who maybe had been in a similar situation.
These people whose advice shocked you know what they're saying.
The root of my weight gain was my mother's pushing me to lose weight. I know now that she did it because she was worried about my health, self esteem, etc. but the truth is that it always felt like I wasn't enough. Mothers are supposed to love you the way you are and support you, not want to change you. Feeling your mother wants to change you is one of the most destructive things one can feel, it can get close to fear of being unloved and abandoned.
Just the very fact that she didn't have access to junk food with you and started going alone when she was 16 should have raised your flags - she obviously felt more restricted than is normal or healthy. Policing her food choices and pushing her will not help. Backing off, examining and admitting any mistakes to yourself and to her, and giving her your full support and love, now that has a chance of succeeding.0 -
tinascar2015 wrote: »Seriously, leave her alone. I was your daughter. My mother could not believe she had this fat daughter who ate covertly and she did everything she could to 'help' including taking me to a doctor who put me on diet pills at 15, shaming me, punishing me, bribing me - anything she could think of to keep me from eating. At meals she would tell me that I didn't 'need' something she prepared and put on the table. None of it ultimately worked and it became a life long tug of war between us. I'm 67 now and my mother has been dead for 20 years but I'm still showing her and eating stuff I know is bad for me. Consequently, I have to lose more than 50 lbs yet again. I've done it every decade of my life. I mostly eat well, I go to the gym but in the back of my mind I hear Ma telling me I'm fat. The best way you can help her is to just let her know you love her and support her in whatever she chooses to do in life. I know you THINK you are trying to help her but really, you are making it about you and what you want for her. She needs to figure out what she wants for herself.
Wow, I am almost in tears. I was on dexedrine at age 14. That's speed. Black Beauties, they're called on the street, and I hated them. Your story is identical to mine, Karin, and I am so sorry. But I am also comforted knowing there are others out there who had mothers like mine. Ironically, mine turned out to be a very good closet alcoholic and none of us realized it until she was in her 70s. So, loads of dysfunctional family issues going on there.
When my stepdaughters were entering puberty years, they put on some weight. My husband would comment to me about it and wondered if he should say something. I pointed at my butt and told him that's what comes of making an issue of a girl's weight when she's in puberty, a time when all girls fill out. He quickly shut up and he never mentioned it again. Neither did their mother, and both girls are in great shgape, fit, active and gorgeous now that they're in their early 30s.
I don't shame my daughter, I would never do that... I love her dearly. Her father died of alcoholism at age 42 and that is a terrible thing for a child to grow up seeing. I don't want to upset her by pushing the issue, I haven't approached it since she turned 18.... That is why I am on here asking for everyones opinion as I don't want to destroy our relationship.
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To her, she may think anything you say about food or about her weight is shaming her. You may not intentionally be doing that, but that could be how she perceives it. She probably feels intimidated by you since you are fit and eat healthy.
She has a job and buys it herself. She eats because she is probably unhappy and has other issues. If you ask and she doesn't talk about it, she probably never will, at least with you. It hurts, but she might have to find her own way to being healthy.0 -
I am going to take this from your daughter's side since I have been there. I know you have good intentions and want what is best for her. However, she won't see it that way. She sees that you are picking at her. Don't point out her weight. She knows full well she is overweight and probably hates herself for it.
What she probably doesn't realize is that she is an emotional eater. She is clearly eating because of her father and probably feels a sense of closeness to him by eating that way. She will reject therapy until she is ready for it. It may never happen, but you have to let her do it on her own. Suggesting it will only make her feel poorly about herself thinking there is something wrong with. She will pull farther away from you.
Don't make her feel bad about food. She is going to do what she wants. It is hard, but all of the things my mother said to me over the years never prompted me to want to lose weight or eat better. I was a closet eater and had so many food issues. It took years before I finally went to therapy to deal with all that stuff. Sometimes it takes longer for people to get there than you would like.
It is tough and there is no easy solution to this problem.
Yes, you are right, I wish there was an easy solution. We talk about her feeling a lot and the counseling came out after she told me that she felt sad a lot and didn't know what to do to feel happy. i do wish nothing but the best for her.
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From my experience. My mother bothered me about my weight all my life too, and I wasn't even big. Being 5'1 and only 115lbs, my mom would question me every time I ate something unhealthy "Should you be eating that?" I hated that! Since being only 5'1 just a little bit of weight is enough to make you overweight. It's probably the most hurtful thing a mother can say, especially at the age where you already have body image issues. So, because of my mom, all through high school I was obsessed with the scale. I weighed myself before and after I ate, everyday. Then I became anorexic. It's hard not to resent my mom for that.
However, 10 years ago, I had a serious medical condition bear it's ugly head and had to get a kidney transplant. Along with that came Steroids. I have gained more than 100lbs since my starting weight from steroids. My mother is the one that gave me my new kidney and I love my mom, she's really great when she's not hounding me about my weight. Now, my moms words hold very little value. I have to do it because it's what I want. I need to lose weight when I am ready. Not when my moms ready. This is what you want. Not her. Not yet anyway. Just be there for her now.0 -
tinascar2015 wrote: »Seriously, leave her alone. I was your daughter. My mother could not believe she had this fat daughter who ate covertly and she did everything she could to 'help' including taking me to a doctor who put me on diet pills at 15, shaming me, punishing me, bribing me - anything she could think of to keep me from eating. At meals she would tell me that I didn't 'need' something she prepared and put on the table. None of it ultimately worked and it became a life long tug of war between us. I'm 67 now and my mother has been dead for 20 years but I'm still showing her and eating stuff I know is bad for me. Consequently, I have to lose more than 50 lbs yet again. I've done it every decade of my life. I mostly eat well, I go to the gym but in the back of my mind I hear Ma telling me I'm fat. The best way you can help her is to just let her know you love her and support her in whatever she chooses to do in life. I know you THINK you are trying to help her but really, you are making it about you and what you want for her. She needs to figure out what she wants for herself.
Wow, I am almost in tears. I was on dexedrine at age 14. That's speed. Black Beauties, they're called on the street, and I hated them. Your story is identical to mine, Karin, and I am so sorry. But I am also comforted knowing there are others out there who had mothers like mine. Ironically, mine turned out to be a very good closet alcoholic and none of us realized it until she was in her 70s. So, loads of dysfunctional family issues going on there.
When my stepdaughters were entering puberty years, they put on some weight. My husband would comment to me about it and wondered if he should say something. I pointed at my butt and told him that's what comes of making an issue of a girl's weight when she's in puberty, a time when all girls fill out. He quickly shut up and he never mentioned it again. Neither did their mother, and both girls are in great shgape, fit, active and gorgeous now that they're in their early 30s.
I don't shame my daughter, I would never do that... I love her dearly. Her father died of alcoholism at age 42 and that is a terrible thing for a child to grow up seeing. I don't want to upset her by pushing the issue, I haven't approached it since she turned 18.... That is why I am on here asking for everyones opinion as I don't want to destroy our relationship.
This is maybe how you get her to a therapist. What about you? Did you ever go to Al-anon or get help for your issues having been married to an alcoholic? Could she be subconsciously "swallowing" the issue because she thinks that you don't want to talk about it?
Maybe you can just say, "hey you're the daughter of addiction and divorce, it's almost impossible that you *couldn't* use some guidance dealing with that" and set her up with an appointment.
I can see a lot of people have a lot of pain due to parents being obsessed with their kids' weight. I don't see that in your posts, nonetheless be really careful about tying your concern just to her eating. The eating is a symptom, you want to address the disease.0
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