Help! My 20 year old daughter is a closet eater!
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I think you've had a lot of very good insight on this thread
And I think we all appreciate how difficult it is not to want to fix them so they have an easy life
And I think you're a great mom who can work out how to back off and stop it being an issue, and be there when she needs you0 -
tinascar2015 wrote: »Seriously, leave her alone. I was your daughter. My mother could not believe she had this fat daughter who ate covertly and she did everything she could to 'help' including taking me to a doctor who put me on diet pills at 15, shaming me, punishing me, bribing me - anything she could think of to keep me from eating. At meals she would tell me that I didn't 'need' something she prepared and put on the table. None of it ultimately worked and it became a life long tug of war between us. I'm 67 now and my mother has been dead for 20 years but I'm still showing her and eating stuff I know is bad for me. Consequently, I have to lose more than 50 lbs yet again. I've done it every decade of my life. I mostly eat well, I go to the gym but in the back of my mind I hear Ma telling me I'm fat. The best way you can help her is to just let her know you love her and support her in whatever she chooses to do in life. I know you THINK you are trying to help her but really, you are making it about you and what you want for her. She needs to figure out what she wants for herself.
Wow, I am almost in tears. I was on dexedrine at age 14. That's speed. Black Beauties, they're called on the street, and I hated them. Your story is identical to mine, Karin, and I am so sorry. But I am also comforted knowing there are others out there who had mothers like mine. Ironically, mine turned out to be a very good closet alcoholic and none of us realized it until she was in her 70s. So, loads of dysfunctional family issues going on there.
When my stepdaughters were entering puberty years, they put on some weight. My husband would comment to me about it and wondered if he should say something. I pointed at my butt and told him that's what comes of making an issue of a girl's weight when she's in puberty, a time when all girls fill out. He quickly shut up and he never mentioned it again. Neither did their mother, and both girls are in great shgape, fit, active and gorgeous now that they're in their early 30s.
I don't shame my daughter, I would never do that... I love her dearly. Her father died of alcoholism at age 42 and that is a terrible thing for a child to grow up seeing. I don't want to upset her by pushing the issue, I haven't approached it since she turned 18.... That is why I am on here asking for everyones opinion as I don't want to destroy our relationship.
This is maybe how you get her to a therapist. What about you? Did you ever go to Al-anon or get help for your issues having been married to an alcoholic? Could she be subconsciously "swallowing" the issue because she thinks that you don't want to talk about it?
Maybe you can just say, "hey you're the daughter of addiction and divorce, it's almost impossible that you *couldn't* use some guidance dealing with that" and set her up with an appointment.
I can see a lot of people have a lot of pain due to parents being obsessed with their kids' weight. I don't see that in your posts, nonetheless be really careful about tying your concern just to her eating. The eating is a symptom, you want to address the disease.
I would love for both of us th do counseling together, she just won't do it. We talk about her dad all the time...she carries a lot of resentment towards him. She feels like he let her down, robbed her of making future memories, he won't be there to walk her down the isle when she gets married and he won't be there when she has kids....she is ver angry about that.
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Coming from the daughters side....she is me I'm 33 now and have 3 kids, I was a closet eater it was bad. Don't push just be there when she falls. The more my parent pushed I pushed back. Then I turned to drugs and when it got bad they helped pick me up then I realized I needed help. I was doing really well got married had a baby then my sister died it started again. I then with my husbands help got a trainer who was well rounded in physical, nutrition and was an overwater as well. I was doing rest then 5 years later my dad died and bam it all came back. I'm just now at 33 working at it, reaching out again to my mom, my sis, my husband. It's a lifetime disease she will always deal with it she just needs to hit her bottom and she will find her way up. When she does she will reach out to you if you give her that space now, I wish it was an easy over night fix but it's not, it is a lifetime battle.........0
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I'm sorry her Dad was an alcoholic. That must have been really hard on her and on you. I think this is even more evidence that your daughter is in emotional pain right now.
She's at an age where any push to change might sound to her like judgement or being considered "broken."
I do think that in time, some therapy to help her work through everything with her Dad will probably really help her. But I think if you suggest it, she will probably feel like you are suggesting something is wrong with her.
Maybe just let her know if she'd like to talk to someone besides you about all this, counseling is an option and you will handle the financial aspect of that. And then leave it at that.
Might I suggest that you see a counselor for a while? They may be able to help you learn some ways of relating to your daughter that we non-experts are really not qualified to help you with. Maybe you have some things you'd like to talk about for you, too - like how hard it must have been trying to raise your daughter with a dad who was an alcoholic.
If we sound harsh, it's because there are a lot of us here who bear the scars of well-intentioned (or sometimes not) moms who pressed us to lose weight, or otherwise change.
I think that in many of us there is this urge to jump in and protect another young girl from our own mothers, the way we weren't able to do for ourselves. if that makes sense.
I think if you just focus on loving, accepting, and supporting your daughter that is the very best thing you can do for her right now, and your relationship will be the stronger for it.0 -
tinascar2015 wrote: »Seriously, leave her alone. I was your daughter. My mother could not believe she had this fat daughter who ate covertly and she did everything she could to 'help' including taking me to a doctor who put me on diet pills at 15, shaming me, punishing me, bribing me - anything she could think of to keep me from eating. At meals she would tell me that I didn't 'need' something she prepared and put on the table. None of it ultimately worked and it became a life long tug of war between us. I'm 67 now and my mother has been dead for 20 years but I'm still showing her and eating stuff I know is bad for me. Consequently, I have to lose more than 50 lbs yet again. I've done it every decade of my life. I mostly eat well, I go to the gym but in the back of my mind I hear Ma telling me I'm fat. The best way you can help her is to just let her know you love her and support her in whatever she chooses to do in life. I know you THINK you are trying to help her but really, you are making it about you and what you want for her. She needs to figure out what she wants for herself.
Wow, I am almost in tears. I was on dexedrine at age 14. That's speed. Black Beauties, they're called on the street, and I hated them. Your story is identical to mine, Karin, and I am so sorry. But I am also comforted knowing there are others out there who had mothers like mine. Ironically, mine turned out to be a very good closet alcoholic and none of us realized it until she was in her 70s. So, loads of dysfunctional family issues going on there.
When my stepdaughters were entering puberty years, they put on some weight. My husband would comment to me about it and wondered if he should say something. I pointed at my butt and told him that's what comes of making an issue of a girl's weight when she's in puberty, a time when all girls fill out. He quickly shut up and he never mentioned it again. Neither did their mother, and both girls are in great shgape, fit, active and gorgeous now that they're in their early 30s.
I don't shame my daughter, I would never do that... I love her dearly. Her father died of alcoholism at age 42 and that is a terrible thing for a child to grow up seeing. I don't want to upset her by pushing the issue, I haven't approached it since she turned 18.... That is why I am on here asking for everyones opinion as I don't want to destroy our relationship.
If you don't want to destroy your relationship, stop talking to her about her weight and closet eating.
The problem is much deeper than that. It sounds like she is still grieving the loss of her father. She needs therapy.0 -
I think you've had a lot of very good insight on this thread
And I think we all appreciate how difficult it is not to want to fix them so they have an easy life
And I think you're a great mom who can work out how to back off and stop it being an issue, and be there when she needs you
Thank you:) that is why I am here. I don't want to ruin our relationship. I can see how much pain this has caused you.... I don't want to be that mom. Our relationship is so good on every other level. She talks to me about stuff I would never have been comfortable discussing with my mom, I feel so blessed that she trusts me enough to do that. I would hate to lose that...0 -
tinascar2015 wrote: »Seriously, leave her alone. I was your daughter. My mother could not believe she had this fat daughter who ate covertly and she did everything she could to 'help' including taking me to a doctor who put me on diet pills at 15, shaming me, punishing me, bribing me - anything she could think of to keep me from eating. At meals she would tell me that I didn't 'need' something she prepared and put on the table. None of it ultimately worked and it became a life long tug of war between us. I'm 67 now and my mother has been dead for 20 years but I'm still showing her and eating stuff I know is bad for me. Consequently, I have to lose more than 50 lbs yet again. I've done it every decade of my life. I mostly eat well, I go to the gym but in the back of my mind I hear Ma telling me I'm fat. The best way you can help her is to just let her know you love her and support her in whatever she chooses to do in life. I know you THINK you are trying to help her but really, you are making it about you and what you want for her. She needs to figure out what she wants for herself.
Wow, I am almost in tears. I was on dexedrine at age 14. That's speed. Black Beauties, they're called on the street, and I hated them. Your story is identical to mine, Karin, and I am so sorry. But I am also comforted knowing there are others out there who had mothers like mine. Ironically, mine turned out to be a very good closet alcoholic and none of us realized it until she was in her 70s. So, loads of dysfunctional family issues going on there.
When my stepdaughters were entering puberty years, they put on some weight. My husband would comment to me about it and wondered if he should say something. I pointed at my butt and told him that's what comes of making an issue of a girl's weight when she's in puberty, a time when all girls fill out. He quickly shut up and he never mentioned it again. Neither did their mother, and both girls are in great shgape, fit, active and gorgeous now that they're in their early 30s.
I don't shame my daughter, I would never do that... I love her dearly. Her father died of alcoholism at age 42 and that is a terrible thing for a child to grow up seeing. I don't want to upset her by pushing the issue, I haven't approached it since she turned 18.... That is why I am on here asking for everyones opinion as I don't want to destroy our relationship.
Unfortunately, if she is already ashamed of herself, it wouldn't take much for her to read shame into every word that comes out of anyone's mouth, regardless of what they said or what they meant.
I would suggest, as others, that you work on just building a great relationship with her with no mention of food or fitness, and also to encourage her to build healthy friendships and a successful life in general. If she is in a better mental place, she may eventually decide to get the help she needs to deal with her food issues. (which if I had to guess, would stem from feeling a lack of control from a difficult divorce and then the subsequent death of her father)0 -
Wow, I was hoping for some insight from someone who maybe had been in a similar situation.
I was the child in the similar situation. I agree - back off. Do you think I didn't know? I got REALLY fat as soon as I started driving, because there was never "junk" food in the house I never learned how to eat it in moderation. I had no self control. Leave your daughter alone unless she asks for help.
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I agree. I think she is down on herself and needs a boost in self esteem. She seems to be doing a little better, she just got a new job and is making really good money and also started dating a really nice boy who she was friends with long before they started dating0
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Back off
Leave her alone
She's an adult and it is none of your business
Your job is to tell her how much you love her, how beautiful she is not to pick at her for being overweight
As the obese daughter of a mother that went through her stuff, I 2nd everything that is said here.
You saying/doing is only going to make it worse. Trust me. Or, you'll become the mother of a 32 year old morbidly obese daughter.0 -
As a 20 year old myself, do. not. get. involved. She is not a child so do not treat her like one, she is an adult, and any eating issues she may have are not your issue to solve for her. I understand you wanting to help but I was the daughter a few years ago and this is a struggle she needs to overcome herself. Offer her counselling ONCE, then do not push it. She will come to you if she wants to take you up on the offer.
The one thing that didn't help me as a grossly overweight teen was my mother telling me what to do with regards to my weight. Don't emotionally violate her by discussing it with her if she doesn't approach you first - you've already violated her privacy by searching through her belongings.0 -
I was the daughter in a similar situation but many years ago. You need to let her find her own way. Be there to listen, support, and love her. She will need to make the decisions and do it her way when she is ready. Your relationship with her is far more important.0
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PeachyPlum wrote: »I'm sorry her Dad was an alcoholic. That must have been really hard on her and on you. I think this is even more evidence that your daughter is in emotional pain right now.
She's at an age where any push to change might sound to her like judgement or being considered "broken."
I do think that in time, some therapy to help her work through everything with her Dad will probably really help her. But I think if you suggest it, she will probably feel like you are suggesting something is wrong with her.
Maybe just let her know if she'd like to talk to someone besides you about all this, counseling is an option and you will handle the financial aspect of that. And then leave it at that.
Might I suggest that you see a counselor for a while? They may be able to help you learn some ways of relating to your daughter that we non-experts are really not qualified to help you with. Maybe you have some things you'd like to talk about for you, too - like how hard it must have been trying to raise your daughter with a dad who was an alcoholic.
If we sound harsh, it's because there are a lot of us here who bear the scars of well-intentioned (or sometimes not) moms who pressed us to lose weight, or otherwise change.
I think that in many of us there is this urge to jump in and protect another young girl from our own mothers, the way we weren't able to do for ourselves. if that makes sense.
I think if you just focus on loving, accepting, and supporting your daughter that is the very best thing you can do for her right now, and your relationship will be the stronger for it.
Thank you:) it was rough on so many levels, you just feel so helpless. Feel like you just don't matter and that the love for alcohol is so much more powerful that any love or support you can provide. I wish she never had to experience that. I did go to counseling after we separated... I felt like a failiure for not standing by my husband as he was battling his addiction but his addiction was destroying me and my daughter as well, I had to do something. I hope at some point she will seek counseling as well, she just isn't there yet. To feel better I believe she has to forgive him....I tell her all the time that if it was in his power to stop drinking, he would have....he just couln't
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If something is "off limits" it becomes way more powerful than if it is allowed.
Instead of refusing to allow these things in your house, purchase them from time to time. Allow your daughter the ability to have a treat, without feeling judgement, in front of you and then maybe she won't need to have the treat in secret.
Maybe try putting some of those types of items in your pantry. Let her know that they're ok from time to time, in moderation.
If it's not there in the house, then when she wants a cookie, she has to buy a package... and then hide it because it shouldn't be in the house. If she hides it, then she may feel the need to eat it to get rid of the evidence.
Maybe, if it's in the pantry, it won't have so much control over her, than if it is hiding under her bed - waiting to be found.
I get your fears... I'm a mom too and I want what's best for my girls... so this is just a suggestion.0 -
The best thing you can do is leave her be. She will figure it out. At 24 I decided to turn my life around an get in shape. Did her father pass away from being overweight or anything?
Just be there for her. Tell her you love her, that she is beautiful. You pestering her about a nutritionist/trainer and snooping is going to make her resent you and shut you out completely.
Let her be. Let her find her own way. It takes people time to find the road to health and nutrition. Give her time and let her be 20.0 -
gosh, people are hard! I don't have any answers but we did have something similar with our youngest son but not food related. Discovered by accident that he had a gambling problem, (on-line betting via his phone) When we sat down with him and his ban statement and forced the issue he broke down in tears and was really glad we had found out as he had been living on edge for ages. He could finally admit he was in a mess and have our support to sort things (though he did the sorting we just guided) He was 21 at the time and only spending his wages so we could have left him to it but chose not too. We did not hound him about it either once he was sorting things.
Given that your daughter is hiding food all round her room maybe she is wanting you to find out so she can face that she has a problem and then move on!!! You can be there for her without being over bearing.0 -
As someone who was in a similar situation to your daughter, I suggest you back off. There's no polite way to say it. If she wants to deal with her weight and body issues, she has to come to the conclusion on her own. Pushing her is only going to push her further away from you.
Edit: I understand now that my parents (especially my mother) were doing it from a place of love. But recognizing that is different from the feeling I had years ago when I was 16 and my parents were "helpfully" offering to buy me a gym pass or suggesting that I should eat less dessert. The shame I felt was precisely why I started binging in private and probably why your daughter does, too. My parents weren't "shaming" me per se (like I said, they are very loving) but I still felt ashamed because of the body image issues I had internalized at that point.0 -
jonnyman41 wrote: »gosh, people are hard! I don't have any answers but we did have something similar with our youngest son but not food related. Discovered by accident that he had a gambling problem, (on-line betting via his phone) When we sat down with him and his ban statement and forced the issue he broke down in tears and was really glad we had found out as he had been living on edge for ages. He could finally admit he was in a mess and have our support to sort things (though he did the sorting we just guided) He was 21 at the time and only spending his wages so we could have left him to it but chose not too. We did not hound him about it either once he was sorting things.
Given that your daughter is hiding food all round her room maybe she is wanting you to find out so she can face that she has a problem and then move on!!! You can be there for her without being over bearing.
I am so glad your son is doing better:) poor thing....being a parent is so hard. You want to give your kids freedom and trust that they will make the right decisions , but at the same time you want to protect them from getting hurt, knowing your place is so hard! I am not going to say anything to her.... I really don't want her to feel violated by me snooping in her room. I certainly don't like anyone snooping in my stuff...I really hope that maybe at some point she will ask me for help, I cheer her on all the way.
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yourradimradletshug wrote: »The best thing you can do is leave her be. She will figure it out. At 24 I decided to turn my life around an get in shape. Did her father pass away from being overweight or anything?
Just be there for her. Tell her you love her, that she is beautiful. You pestering her about a nutritionist/trainer and snooping is going to make her resent you and shut you out completely.
Let her be. Let her find her own way. It takes people time to find the road to health and nutrition. Give her time and let her be 20.
He died from complications of alcoholism...
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I am a 18 year old girl who like your daughter was hiding food from my parents at one point in time, more specifically from my step mother. While i was actively trying to get back in shape and starting to enjoy working out again, i also had to struggle with the foods i was eating and her constant snide remarks about my weight. I wasnt allowed to cook or pick out foods for the house, which i think if i was allowed to do would have tremendously helped me continue on with my progress, sadly this was not the case and all the foods prepared where high in fat and prepackaged at all times. Which leads me to today, i have moved out and am cooking and buying my own groceries, for the first few months it was all junk like i was used to at home but at least not all from a box. I wasnt working out, i was drinking soda everyday,and i caught a nasty appendix infection, on top of it all i had lost my job. I had felt like crap about myself and noticed that i had started putting weight back on. Im about the same weight as your daughter right now, but im starting to get my health back in order, if i was still having people comment on my weight i dont think i would have changed my diet or started working out again at all. It was very much a decision i had to make on my own. I've changed my diet AND am working out. BUT its only because i decided it was time for a change.
Its very important to let your daughter make that change on her own time, let her reach the point where she feels it has gone too far before you offer her help. Its ultimately her choice. And it will take a while for her to make a change.0
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