Help! My 20 year old daughter is a closet eater!
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Sadly she is an adult and there is nothing you can do. It sounds like the more you try to help, the more she is going to resist and resent you for it.
You should most definitely lay off and let her come to the conclusion of getting healthier on her own. She's only 20, chances are she's okay and if she's not, a doctor can tell her that and it won't damage your own relationship with her. She already knows that you're willing to provide resources to her if and when she's ready to make a change - which is great of you, btw. But you can't force her into it.
It really sounds like she's emotionally eating so instead of focusing on her weight and making her feel bad (unintentionally of course), why don't you try to focus on whatever it is that makes her eat like this? Don't even bring up the overeating. You said her dad died not too long ago. Try focusing on being supportive of her and letting her know she can always talk to you. Just be there for her. She will sort out her health when she is ready.
EDIT: Another thing, I am a child of both addiction and divorce, and let me tell you, all the therapy my parents forced on me never helped. I didn't trust the therapist (because they tended to lean on the side of whichever parent paid them) and so I wouldn't talk honestly, which totally defeated the purpose. When I was 22, I sought out my own therapist. It helped immensely. The difference was I wasn't cornered into it and found someone that I liked and trusted. Be supportive of whatever your daughter chooses and trust that she will get there on her own.0 -
I am praying for you. Some of these post are really harsh. Coming from being the 16 year old once whose father always hounded her about getting down to my BMI even to the point where I would be punished if i didn't, i know how she feels. You just have to let her know that you care and she doesn't have to hide from you. Tell her that when she is ready, you will be there to help her every step of the way. Don't give up on her and most of all don't back off. That will give her another excuse because she will start to feel she has lost one parent physically and the other emotionally. It will ultimately be up to her. As we all know, lifestyle changes do not work unless your own personal mind is made up. It is going to be okay.
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anniewezzy wrote: »I am a 18 year old girl who like your daughter was hiding food from my parents at one point in time, more specifically from my step mother. While i was actively trying to get back in shape and starting to enjoy working out again, i also had to struggle with the foods i was eating and her constant snide remarks about my weight. I wasnt allowed to cook or pick out foods for the house, which i think if i was allowed to do would have tremendously helped me continue on with my progress, sadly this was not the case and all the foods prepared where high in fat and prepackaged at all times. Which leads me to today, i have moved out and am cooking and buying my own groceries, for the first few months it was all junk like i was used to at home but at least not all from a box. I wasnt working out, i was drinking soda everyday,and i caught a nasty appendix infection, on top of it all i had lost my job. I had felt like crap about myself and noticed that i had started putting weight back on. Im about the same weight as your daughter right now, but im starting to get my health back in order, if i was still having people comment on my weight i dont think i would have changed my diet or started working out again at all. It was very much a decision i had to make on my own. I've changed my diet AND am working out. BUT its only because i decided it was time for a change.
Its very important to let your daughter make that change on her own time, let her reach the point where she feels it has gone too far before you offer her help. Its ultimately her choice. And it will take a while for her to make a change.
That makes me so happy to hear! Good for you! I hope my daughter will have the same experience. Moms can be a pain I guess lol. I don't want to be one of those moms...
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This thread hits so close to home for me. I was your daughter, too. Just like lots of others who have come forward to say the same thing. I was 200+lbs at 14. I had an emotionally abusive step father who put locks on the fridge and alarms on the pantry door and give the key to my 7 year old sister because I "couldn't be trusted," who would give me a pb&j sandwich, no breakfast, no lunch money and expected that to last me.
This caused a HUGE issue in my relationship with food into my adult life. I'm almost 23 now and I've just started to find my enjoyment in fitness and health.
She shuts down because she is embarrassed and just wants you to not mention it. At least that's what I did.
You can't control her. She will find her health when it's a good time for her.0 -
I think there's a balance -- at 20 she should be old enough to realize that a question about health isn't an indictment on her as a person, to be honest. Unfortunately, as you can see from the myriad responses here, it's apparently not. I get it to some extent -- yes, it sucks if you feel as if you're judged by a parent but at the same time, you also need to be mature enough to look at it and see if YOU are the one putting a spin on it that isn't there.
As adults, it is NOT our parents' fault if we're still overweight. Yes, our reactions to their actions in our formative years or even in our post-formative years may have a huge component to how we deal with things (like stress or food or whatever). But it's still ON US as adults. We need to take personal responsibility and not get too caught up in 'if only my mom had said THIS or done THIS' as the reason we're obese. Maybe they DID say this and maybe they did do that --- we just didn't realize that's what they were saying or doing because our perception was so clouded over fear of being judged and the subsequent 'screw you, I'm going to go hide in my closet and eat a cake' attitude.
As the parents, we do need to recognize that yes, regardless of fault and blame, our children, even the adult ones, may react negatively to these sorts of things. So that's when I think the clear-cut, honest, open communication needs to occur. "I realize I may have said things that make you feel judged or nagged. Here's the deal - I may worry, and that may feel judgmental, but I love you as you are right now and that is that. Fit or not, fat or not, with flaming purple and pink hair or not, I love you. I accept you. I will always be here for you. Part of being a parent is in the making sure you know you're supported - so I am here to support you if you want to work on eating healthier, but I'm also not going to judge you if you eat cookies in front me. Please don't think I will think less of you. I worry that you do, because I bring up health from time to time. It's my JOB and DUTY as a parent to do that - but please remember no matter what, you're loved and accepted JUST AS YOU ARE. Bringing up concerns is not a judgment but a simple act of love and responsibility that any friend or person should do."
Now, that doesn't mean you get to bring it up over and over. That starts to feel pushy and judgmental, but I do think it's ridiculous to tell parents to not give honest advice, even if that advice is hard to hear. So start off by reminding your kid that you won't keep doing it over and over, remind them you aren't going to think less of them if they don't take your advice, and find ways to mitigate that "my mom made me fat" mindset that someone could get into.0 -
I am the "daughter" in this scenario.
-Don't give your daughter compliments or criticism on her body, eating, fitness, etc. Even if it's from a "health" perspective, which I'm sure it is, at this point your daughter doesn't trust any of your motives behind your advice.
-Don't suggest that your daughter get salad or something "healthy" when you go to Panera Bread. Maybe you should eat one of their sandwiches or something in front of her, so she sees that it's not "bad" to eat unhealthy foods in front of her. The fact that she's closet eating suggests you may have unintentionally put off a vibe that unhealthy eating is to be hidden and not seen in front of you.
-Remember that your daughter is 20 years old. That's very young. Most people are still figuring out a lot at this age and your daughter is no exception.
-Don't comment on her dress or clothes--"oh that's so flattering on you," "oh that's so slimming"...
The important thing is you need to commit to this. My family would go through phases of not mentioning things like this to me, but I could tell they were hiding it. Every so often, someone would suddenly say a bunch of things to me about my eating/exercise habits that I know they had been keeping in for a while. You can't do this--it propagates mistrust.0 -
jazzycakes24 wrote: »I am praying for you. Some of these post are really harsh. Coming from being the 16 year old once whose father always hounded her about getting down to my BMI even to the point where I would be punished if i didn't, i know how she feels. You just have to let her know that you care and she doesn't have to hide from you. Tell her that when she is ready, you will be there to help her every step of the way. Don't give up on her and most of all don't back off. That will give her another excuse because she will start to feel she has lost one parent physically and the other emotionally. It will ultimately be up to her. As we all know, lifestyle changes do not work unless your own personal mind is made up. It is going to be okay.
You are so sweet:) thank you! I felt a little attacked at first and thought that I was being attacked as a parent ....Forums are open and honest discussions and it was important that I hear everyones opinion, especially those who are or at one point were in my daughters shoes....i know sometimes the truth hurts, but it only hurts because it hits home, and that is a good thing:)
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is that you in your profile? I'm assuming....you're beautiful.
I'd imagine that it would be hard to be the less than thin daughter of someone that looks like you.
I mean that as nice as possible.
The best thing in my opinion that you can do is lead by example and just love her. You sound like a really great mom, but the last thing a daughter whats a mother to talk to her about is her weight....ALLLLL my mom talks about and all my family talks about is food and being skinny, and we aren't really skinny people, so now ALLLL I think about is food, and weight, and food and weight...
Its frustrating. Hugs. You're in a hard spot, but it's really important that you just support her and be there for her, she is an adult you have to let her do what she needs to do. Just lead by example.0 -
I agree with most of the things said here, but I also kind of disagree. I'll probably get attacked for this, and that's fine, I can handle it. But I feel like a lot of these people are projecting their anger from what happened in their own abusive childhoods. That's fine, and I think it's good advice that you are being told to "back off", but she is your child so it's more difficult to just back off.
But there are two different things to consider here. If your daughter is just overweight, that's one thing. You do need to back off and leave her alone. Nothing wrong with a little extra. But if your daughter is in danger and obese, I would hate sitting around watching my daughter go downhill.
Instead of saying anything to her though, show her. Do not nag her about her weight. She'll come around when she is ready. It doesn't sound like you are being overly hurtful to her, but the fact that she is shutting down suggests that you need a better approach. Like most people here has said, she knows. And she's probably dealing with enough of that crap everywhere else. Last thing she needs is to come home to mom doing it too.
Just keep your mouth closed and let your actions speak. Try to involve her in things that she will enjoy that may keep her active. Cook with her, if she'll let you. Show her your good habits instead of saying anything at all about her weight. Just be an example.
I know it's hard sitting back and watching. But it can be really dangerous to say much of anything, and what you say and/or do can have a big impact on her life. I would suggest you not say anything else when it comes to her health or eating habits. Let her know you love her. Tell her how great she is. Chances are, she probably really needs it hear it.0 -
I couldn't read through all the comments so forgive me if I missed anything or I am repeating but have you tried to do some fun activities with her that she wouldn't really consider to be exercise that would cause her to be more active and spend quality time with you at the same time? I am 28 and I still like to walk with my mom. We have also done adult skate night and bowling etc... all good for getting more active! Heck I even joined a bowling league with my mom once and that was a good time!
I have two kids myself and what I do is just lead by example Now mind you they are younger so they still like to hang out with me but I will tell them I have to go on a walk to stay in shape and they are all about coming with me. My son even moves his arms like I do for maximum movement! It is so cute! 0 -
Thankveganbettie wrote: »is that you in your profile? I'm assuming....you're beautiful.
I'd imagine that it would be hard to be the less than thin daughter of someone that looks like you.
I mean that as nice as possible.
The best thing in my opinion that you can do is lead by example and just love her. You sound like a really great mom, but the last thing a daughter whats a mother to talk to her about is her weight....ALLLLL my mom talks about and all my family talks about is food and being skinny, and we aren't really skinny people, so now ALLLL I think about is food, and weight, and food and weight...
Its frustrating. Hugs. You're in a hard spot, but it's really important that you just support her and be there for her, she is an adult you have to let her do what she needs to do. Just lead by example.
Yes, that is me. Thank you so much! You are very kind.
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You should find her a therapist. Nobody wants to be in therapy, I know, but truthfully we ALL need therapists...and so few of us are able to seek one out for ourselves. It sounds like she has profound issues she needs to work through and needs guidance. Food is not the root of her problem, it's a temporary solution to a painful emotional state.
It'll be tough to get through to her by yourself, but if you have someone who can work with her one on one with an objective view, she may have the tools she needs to turn things around.
It actually sounds a lot like Jillian Michael's story, tbh...divorced parents, secretive eating, self destructive food rituals... and she turned it around, too!0 -
nuttynanners wrote: »You should find her a therapist. Nobody wants to be in therapy, I know, but truthfully we ALL need therapists...and so few of us are able to seek one out for ourselves. It sounds like she has profound issues she needs to work through and needs guidance. Food is not the root of her problem, it's a temporary solution to a painful emotional state.
It'll be tough to get through to her by yourself, but if you have someone who can work with her one on one with an objective view, she may have the tools she needs to turn things around.
It actually sounds a lot like Jillian Michael's story, tbh...divorced parents, secretive eating, self destructive food rituals... and she turned it around, too!
You are right, we could all use therapy.... i did not know all that about Jillian0 -
I can't say I agree with some of the posts here, for one thing you NEVER stop worrying about your children no matter how old they are! If her child had a drug problem would you still say leave her be, let her figure it out for herself etc? Food is an addiction and it can kill you or cause serious health issues. I do not have any answers for the OP other than perhaps receive some counseling herself and be there when and if her daughter asks for help..I wish you and your daughter health and happiness.0
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emileesgram wrote: »I can't say I agree with some of the posts here, for one thing you NEVER stop worrying about your children no matter how old they are! If her child had a drug problem would you still say leave her be, let her figure it out for herself etc? Food is an addiction and it can kill you or cause serious health issues. I do not have any answers for the OP other than perhaps receive some counseling herself and be there when and if her daughter asks for help..I wish you and your daughter health and happiness.
Thank you so much! Very good point about addiction:)0 -
I obviously don't know the situation in its entirety, but I can say that my mother picked at me for my weight when I was and was not overweight, and it hurt me so bad. And it has caused me body image issues my entire life and I feel it always will. Even now that I have lost weight, she talks about how I'm too thin now or whatever. She means no harm and doesn't realize the damage to my self-esteem. I used to hide food also, because I was afraid she'd get angry or I just didn't want to hear it anymore. That damage can last a lifetime and I struggle with it everyday of my life. I would just stop bringing it up, build her up and stop making her feel like she has to hide food from you.0
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[/quote]That makes me so happy to hear! Good for you! I hope my daughter will have the same experience. Moms can be a pain I guess lol. I don't want to be one of those moms...
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My mom is very understanding and open with me and we share a lot with each other even if we live in different provinces, Where my mom also had very fluctuating weight when i was a child, my step mother was always very thin and so is her daughter. I had also gone from a very healthy diet while living with my grandmother to a unhealthy diet of fast food living with my dad and step mother. Its very hard for teens to get used to a drastic change like that. It probably left her missing the foods she was eating and feeling a sort of resentment towards the healthy food. If you make some slight changes to the current diet like going to get pizza or a burger once a month or so it can really show her that it okay to enjoy those foods and still lead a healthy life style, because lets face it who doesnt enjoy the occasional slice of pizza or cookie.
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Oh and P.S. If you can get her to go on walks with you, she might even be more open to talking all on her own with out you having to press for info! 0
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As a mother of teenagers some times I write them letters. When a sensitive subject comes up and we don't cover things completely or things turn emotional I let some time pass and then write a letter. At times this is very positive and talking about how proud of them I am, at times this is near a birthday or milestone. Other times this is when I'm concerned and I outline my concerns and directions I think this can take. I know my 15 year old daughter keeps these letters. At times they write me one when they can't approach or figure out how to have a conversation. Maybe this might be an option for you.0
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Sweetiepiestef wrote: »Oh and P.S. If you can get her to go on walks with you, she might even be more open to talking all on her own with out you having to press for info!
That is true:)0 -
That makes me so happy to hear! Good for you! I hope my daughter will have the same experience. Moms can be a pain I guess lol. I don't want to be one of those moms...anniewezzy wrote: »
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My mom is very understanding and open with me and we share a lot with each other even if we live in different provinces, Where my mom also had very fluctuating weight when i was a child, my step mother was always very thin and so is her daughter. I had also gone from a very healthy diet while living with my grandmother to a unhealthy diet of fast food living with my dad and step mother. Its very hard for teens to get used to a drastic change like that. It probably left her missing the foods she was eating and feeling a sort of resentment towards the healthy food. If you make some slight changes to the current diet like going to get pizza or a burger once a month or so it can really show her that it okay to enjoy those foods and still lead a healthy life style, because lets face it who doesnt enjoy the occasional slice of pizza or cookie.
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I enjoy pizza and cookies too:) i will splurge every ones in a while but if I had it at home I would end up eating the whole dang box;)0 -
I'm sure this is a really tough situation for you.
I can somewhat speak from your daughters perspective...I have always struggled with weight and to me, listening to comments from my mom was the worst thing. I felt shamed, and I know she just wants me to be healthy and feel confident/beautiful, I've always known that but I have never wanted her to comment on my weight. I finally laid it out for her several years back that this was an off-limits topic unless it was to notice the positive. I told her I remember feeling fat and coming up with a "diet plan" in my diary at about age 8. Pressure to lose weight, even in positive ways from my mother has never given me a postive outlook. Just love her, tell her she's beautiful, and trust her to make her own choices.
It might not happen for a while, but it's got to be her choice. She has a weight problem and she knows it. She doesn't need others to point it out to her and it's probably why she shame eats. You can encourage by leading through example...inviting her to go for walks and such...but the choices have to be hers.
That's just my two cents for what it's worth.0 -
The harder you push, the more she will pull away. There is a lot of good advice in this thread. Contemplate it.
Most of all, love her and accept her completely as she is now.
I wish you and your daughter all the best. I know you will figure it out
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@jelie3110....
I commend you for the way you are handling all of the "well meaning advice" given here, being as most of it could have been handed out a little more tactfully, had the persons giving their opinions not still been dealing with some obvious pain of their own.
None of us are perfect, and some of us are able to see this from both sides of the story. I could also blame my mom for making me fat, but I eventually did that on my own. Yes, she would mention what I ate and guess how much I weighed all the time, but that didn't make me fat, a million things at that point in my life added to my being unhealthy. (I wasn't actually fat back then, but still "unhealthy") Just like my daughter likes to blame me for things that I had no more control over than I do the rotation of the earth, but I'm sure that's easier for her to blame me than to take the responsibility for her own mistakes. (and she's tiny, so again, fat has nothing to do with the relationship)
It's apparent that it's a rough time for both of you, for many reasons. I sincerely hope that it all works out for the best. Thoughts and best wishes to you both.0 -
Yeah, you sound like my mom. She is almost 50 and still mad I'm overweight. And why I won't even go to her house for Christmas.
Us daughters, we KNOW we are overweight. Why do you think that telling us that repeatedly is going to solve something?0 -
1HappyRedhead wrote: »@jelie3110....
I commend you for the way you are handling all of the "well meaning advice" given here, being as most of it could have been handed out a little more tactfully, had the persons giving their opinions not still been dealing with some obvious pain of their own.
None of us are perfect, and some of us are able to see this from both sides of the story. I could also blame my mom for making me fat, but I eventually did that on my own. Yes, she would mention what I ate and guess how much I weighed all the time, but that didn't make me fat, a million things at that point in my life added to my being unhealthy. (I wasn't actually fat back then, but still "unhealthy") Just like my daughter likes to blame me for things that I had no more control over than I do the rotation of the earth, but I'm sure that's easier for her to blame me than to take the responsibility for her own mistakes. (and she's tiny, so again, fat has nothing to do with the relationship)
It's apparent that it's a rough time for both of you, for many reasons. I sincerely hope that it all works out for the best. Thoughts and best wishes to you both.
Thank you! Criticism is never fun....but I had a feeling I would open up a can of worms with this topic. It's a sensitive one on so many levels for everyone involved.
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kazaargrandcru wrote: »The harder you push, the more she will pull away. There is a lot of good advice in this thread. Contemplate it.
Most of all, love her and accept her completely as she is now.
I wish you and your daughter all the best. I know you will figure it out
Thank you!0 -
CaitlinW19 wrote: »I'm sure this is a really tough situation for you.
I can somewhat speak from your daughters perspective...I have always struggled with weight and to me, listening to comments from my mom was the worst thing. I felt shamed, and I know she just wants me to be healthy and feel confident/beautiful, I've always known that but I have never wanted her to comment on my weight. I finally laid it out for her several years back that this was an off-limits topic unless it was to notice the positive. I told her I remember feeling fat and coming up with a "diet plan" in my diary at about age 8. Pressure to lose weight, even in positive ways from my mother has never given me a postive outlook. Just love her, tell her she's beautiful, and trust her to make her own choices.
It might not happen for a while, but it's got to be her choice. She has a weight problem and she knows it. She doesn't need others to point it out to her and it's probably why she shame eats. You can encourage by leading through example...inviting her to go for walks and such...but the choices have to be hers.
That's just my two cents for what it's worth.
It' s worth a lot to me:) thank you!0 -
I have only read some of the replies here, but I think people are being far too hard on you. There is a world of difference between a mother putting her daughter on diet pills as a teen and shaming her and a mother who is just now, when her daughter is 20, wondering whether she should address a destructive eating pattern she just discovered. I understand this topic has triggered some really deep and powerful emotions for those chiming in, but I think some proper perspective is needed here!
You sound like a caring mother. I do agree that bringing it up to her probably won't help. She is trying to hide it and being found out would probably make her feel violated. The bigger issue is why the binging and secrecy is happening at all. I agree that working on your relationship is the way to make her feel more open and trustful. She may never want to talk about this issue and that is ok. As an adult she may work through this on her own. Just make sure she knows you are 100% there for her if she needs support from you for anything and that you are a no-judgement source of love.
I will give you the third generation perspective that I see here. My grandmother always made my mom feel like she wasn't physically good enough (I am not saying that you are doing this at all because I don't believe that you are). In turn my mother tried not to make those same mistakes with me. She did a great job, but you know what? She made lots of other mistakes. There are lots of other areas where I felt let down, inadequate or a disappointment. Was that intentional on her part? No, but she is human and we sometimes don't understand how we are impacting others. We will do it to our children in some way because we are not perfect people. We mean well but we are flawed. We need to let go and forgive because we need that forgiveness for ourselves. We do much better to look on intentions of the heart than poor application.
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I just have to applaud you on how well you seem to be taking the advice of folks on here. So many people have had such deep rooted food issues from a young age and were affected so deeply by comments made by their parents (myself included), that they are incredibly passionate in their responses on the side of your daughter.
It would have been very easy for you to become defensive or shut down, but you seem very open to their ideas - and I think that's a rare and special thing. Your daughter is lucky to have a mom that is so open to the ideas (and criticism) of others!
Aside from what everyone else has said (and to be honest, I did not read through every response), I would maybe just let her know that should she decide to pursue therapy, that you would help her. It might even be something that you write a little note about. Wait until she brings something up about her dad, and then later write a note telling her you were thinking about it, and letting her know that if she should ever decide to pursue therapy, you would help her pay (or however you can support her). I would make it clear that it's her decision whether or not to pursue it, she has the control to pick the therapist, etc. Don't bring up the note or mention it unless she decides to talk about it. But she might be more open to it if it's something she can read in private and absorb without having to respond right away. Maybe she won't feel as attacked (not that you are attacking her, but she may take it that way).
Just my two cents. Best of luck to you and your daughter!0
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