Help! My 20 year old daughter is a closet eater!
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That makes me so happy to hear! Good for you! I hope my daughter will have the same experience. Moms can be a pain I guess lol. I don't want to be one of those moms...anniewezzy wrote: »
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My mom is very understanding and open with me and we share a lot with each other even if we live in different provinces, Where my mom also had very fluctuating weight when i was a child, my step mother was always very thin and so is her daughter. I had also gone from a very healthy diet while living with my grandmother to a unhealthy diet of fast food living with my dad and step mother. Its very hard for teens to get used to a drastic change like that. It probably left her missing the foods she was eating and feeling a sort of resentment towards the healthy food. If you make some slight changes to the current diet like going to get pizza or a burger once a month or so it can really show her that it okay to enjoy those foods and still lead a healthy life style, because lets face it who doesnt enjoy the occasional slice of pizza or cookie.
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I enjoy pizza and cookies too:) i will splurge every ones in a while but if I had it at home I would end up eating the whole dang box;)0 -
I'm sure this is a really tough situation for you.
I can somewhat speak from your daughters perspective...I have always struggled with weight and to me, listening to comments from my mom was the worst thing. I felt shamed, and I know she just wants me to be healthy and feel confident/beautiful, I've always known that but I have never wanted her to comment on my weight. I finally laid it out for her several years back that this was an off-limits topic unless it was to notice the positive. I told her I remember feeling fat and coming up with a "diet plan" in my diary at about age 8. Pressure to lose weight, even in positive ways from my mother has never given me a postive outlook. Just love her, tell her she's beautiful, and trust her to make her own choices.
It might not happen for a while, but it's got to be her choice. She has a weight problem and she knows it. She doesn't need others to point it out to her and it's probably why she shame eats. You can encourage by leading through example...inviting her to go for walks and such...but the choices have to be hers.
That's just my two cents for what it's worth.0 -
The harder you push, the more she will pull away. There is a lot of good advice in this thread. Contemplate it.
Most of all, love her and accept her completely as she is now.
I wish you and your daughter all the best. I know you will figure it out
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@jelie3110....
I commend you for the way you are handling all of the "well meaning advice" given here, being as most of it could have been handed out a little more tactfully, had the persons giving their opinions not still been dealing with some obvious pain of their own.
None of us are perfect, and some of us are able to see this from both sides of the story. I could also blame my mom for making me fat, but I eventually did that on my own. Yes, she would mention what I ate and guess how much I weighed all the time, but that didn't make me fat, a million things at that point in my life added to my being unhealthy. (I wasn't actually fat back then, but still "unhealthy") Just like my daughter likes to blame me for things that I had no more control over than I do the rotation of the earth, but I'm sure that's easier for her to blame me than to take the responsibility for her own mistakes. (and she's tiny, so again, fat has nothing to do with the relationship)
It's apparent that it's a rough time for both of you, for many reasons. I sincerely hope that it all works out for the best. Thoughts and best wishes to you both.0 -
Yeah, you sound like my mom. She is almost 50 and still mad I'm overweight. And why I won't even go to her house for Christmas.
Us daughters, we KNOW we are overweight. Why do you think that telling us that repeatedly is going to solve something?0 -
1HappyRedhead wrote: »@jelie3110....
I commend you for the way you are handling all of the "well meaning advice" given here, being as most of it could have been handed out a little more tactfully, had the persons giving their opinions not still been dealing with some obvious pain of their own.
None of us are perfect, and some of us are able to see this from both sides of the story. I could also blame my mom for making me fat, but I eventually did that on my own. Yes, she would mention what I ate and guess how much I weighed all the time, but that didn't make me fat, a million things at that point in my life added to my being unhealthy. (I wasn't actually fat back then, but still "unhealthy") Just like my daughter likes to blame me for things that I had no more control over than I do the rotation of the earth, but I'm sure that's easier for her to blame me than to take the responsibility for her own mistakes. (and she's tiny, so again, fat has nothing to do with the relationship)
It's apparent that it's a rough time for both of you, for many reasons. I sincerely hope that it all works out for the best. Thoughts and best wishes to you both.
Thank you! Criticism is never fun....but I had a feeling I would open up a can of worms with this topic. It's a sensitive one on so many levels for everyone involved.
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kazaargrandcru wrote: »The harder you push, the more she will pull away. There is a lot of good advice in this thread. Contemplate it.
Most of all, love her and accept her completely as she is now.
I wish you and your daughter all the best. I know you will figure it out
Thank you!0 -
CaitlinW19 wrote: »I'm sure this is a really tough situation for you.
I can somewhat speak from your daughters perspective...I have always struggled with weight and to me, listening to comments from my mom was the worst thing. I felt shamed, and I know she just wants me to be healthy and feel confident/beautiful, I've always known that but I have never wanted her to comment on my weight. I finally laid it out for her several years back that this was an off-limits topic unless it was to notice the positive. I told her I remember feeling fat and coming up with a "diet plan" in my diary at about age 8. Pressure to lose weight, even in positive ways from my mother has never given me a postive outlook. Just love her, tell her she's beautiful, and trust her to make her own choices.
It might not happen for a while, but it's got to be her choice. She has a weight problem and she knows it. She doesn't need others to point it out to her and it's probably why she shame eats. You can encourage by leading through example...inviting her to go for walks and such...but the choices have to be hers.
That's just my two cents for what it's worth.
It' s worth a lot to me:) thank you!0 -
I have only read some of the replies here, but I think people are being far too hard on you. There is a world of difference between a mother putting her daughter on diet pills as a teen and shaming her and a mother who is just now, when her daughter is 20, wondering whether she should address a destructive eating pattern she just discovered. I understand this topic has triggered some really deep and powerful emotions for those chiming in, but I think some proper perspective is needed here!
You sound like a caring mother. I do agree that bringing it up to her probably won't help. She is trying to hide it and being found out would probably make her feel violated. The bigger issue is why the binging and secrecy is happening at all. I agree that working on your relationship is the way to make her feel more open and trustful. She may never want to talk about this issue and that is ok. As an adult she may work through this on her own. Just make sure she knows you are 100% there for her if she needs support from you for anything and that you are a no-judgement source of love.
I will give you the third generation perspective that I see here. My grandmother always made my mom feel like she wasn't physically good enough (I am not saying that you are doing this at all because I don't believe that you are). In turn my mother tried not to make those same mistakes with me. She did a great job, but you know what? She made lots of other mistakes. There are lots of other areas where I felt let down, inadequate or a disappointment. Was that intentional on her part? No, but she is human and we sometimes don't understand how we are impacting others. We will do it to our children in some way because we are not perfect people. We mean well but we are flawed. We need to let go and forgive because we need that forgiveness for ourselves. We do much better to look on intentions of the heart than poor application.
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I just have to applaud you on how well you seem to be taking the advice of folks on here. So many people have had such deep rooted food issues from a young age and were affected so deeply by comments made by their parents (myself included), that they are incredibly passionate in their responses on the side of your daughter.
It would have been very easy for you to become defensive or shut down, but you seem very open to their ideas - and I think that's a rare and special thing. Your daughter is lucky to have a mom that is so open to the ideas (and criticism) of others!
Aside from what everyone else has said (and to be honest, I did not read through every response), I would maybe just let her know that should she decide to pursue therapy, that you would help her. It might even be something that you write a little note about. Wait until she brings something up about her dad, and then later write a note telling her you were thinking about it, and letting her know that if she should ever decide to pursue therapy, you would help her pay (or however you can support her). I would make it clear that it's her decision whether or not to pursue it, she has the control to pick the therapist, etc. Don't bring up the note or mention it unless she decides to talk about it. But she might be more open to it if it's something she can read in private and absorb without having to respond right away. Maybe she won't feel as attacked (not that you are attacking her, but she may take it that way).
Just my two cents. Best of luck to you and your daughter!0 -
I would have given anything to have my mother stop trying to push her diets on me as though she was doing ME the favour. And making me go ask to use the neighbour's scale because ours "wasn't accurate enough", or comments like "you should really wear a sweater or something to cover your arms" or "you've grown. not taller though" weren't particularly helpful either. As someone who was in your daughter's position for a good amount of time, I'd say you should probably listen to the folks advising that you back off. you've said your piece, she knows you've offered help if she wants to take it. That's enough for now. You'll cause a big rift in your relationship that might not be fixable if you keep pushing.0
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jokamaiale wrote: »I have only read some of the replies here, but I think people are being far too hard on you. There is a world of difference between a mother putting her daughter on diet pills as a teen and shaming her and a mother who is just now, when her daughter is 20, wondering whether she should address a destructive eating pattern she just discovered. I understand this topic has triggered some really deep and powerful emotions for those chiming in, but I think some proper perspective is needed here!
You sound like a caring mother. I do agree that bringing it up to her probably won't help. She is trying to hide it and being found out would probably make her feel violated. The bigger issue is why the binging and secrecy is happening at all. I agree that working on your relationship is the way to make her feel more open and trustful. She may never want to talk about this issue and that is ok. As an adult she may work through this on her own. Just make sure she knows you are 100% there for her if she needs support from you for anything and that you are a no-judgement source of love.
I will give you the third generation perspective that I see here. My grandmother always made my mom feel like she wasn't physically good enough (I am not saying that you are doing this at all because I don't believe that you are). In turn my mother tried not to make those same mistakes with me. She did a great job, but you know what? She made lots of other mistakes. There are lots of other areas where I felt let down, inadequate or a disappointment. Was that intentional on her part? No, but she is human and we sometimes don't understand how we are impacting others. We will do it to our children in some way because we are not perfect people. We mean well but we are flawed. We need to let go and forgive because we need that forgiveness for ourselves. We do much better to look on intentions of the heart than poor application.
That was incredible! You are right on:)0 -
redskiednight wrote: »As a 20 year old myself, do. not. get. involved. She is not a child so do not treat her like one, she is an adult, and any eating issues she may have are not your issue to solve for her. I understand you wanting to help but I was the daughter a few years ago and this is a struggle she needs to overcome herself. Offer her counselling ONCE, then do not push it. She will come to you if she wants to take you up on the offer.
The one thing that didn't help me as a grossly overweight teen was my mother telling me what to do with regards to my weight. Don't emotionally violate her by discussing it with her if she doesn't approach you first - you've already violated her privacy by searching through her belongings.
I agree with all of this up until the last sentence. You didn't violate her privacy by going through her stuff. I'm sorry but, while she's 20 years old, she is still living at home. If she's living there rent free, she's giving up some privacy privileges.
Do respect her emotional privacy though, if she's not ready for counseling, making her go will be a waste of time and money since she won't benefit from it.
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mynameiscarrie wrote: »redskiednight wrote: »As a 20 year old myself, do. not. get. involved. She is not a child so do not treat her like one, she is an adult, and any eating issues she may have are not your issue to solve for her. I understand you wanting to help but I was the daughter a few years ago and this is a struggle she needs to overcome herself. Offer her counselling ONCE, then do not push it. She will come to you if she wants to take you up on the offer.
The one thing that didn't help me as a grossly overweight teen was my mother telling me what to do with regards to my weight. Don't emotionally violate her by discussing it with her if she doesn't approach you first - you've already violated her privacy by searching through her belongings.
I agree with all of this up until the last sentence. You didn't violate her privacy by going through her stuff. I'm sorry but, while she's 20 years old, she is still living at home. If she's living there rent free, she's giving up some privacy privileges.
Do respect her emotional privacy though, if she's not ready for counseling, making her go will be a waste of time and money since she won't benefit from it.
I wish MFP had a "like" button:)0 -
This thread hits so close to home for me. I was your daughter, too. Just like lots of others who have come forward to say the same thing. I was 200+lbs at 14. I had an emotionally abusive step father who put locks on the fridge and alarms on the pantry door and give the key to my 7 year old sister because I "couldn't be trusted," who would give me a pb&j sandwich, no breakfast, no lunch money and expected that to last me.
This caused a HUGE issue in my relationship with food into my adult life. I'm almost 23 now and I've just started to find my enjoyment in fitness and health.
She shuts down because she is embarrassed and just wants you to not mention it. At least that's what I did.
You can't control her. She will find her health when it's a good time for her.
dude...that is disgusting. that's not just emotional abuse. That's straight up child neglect. guy should be arrested!
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never2bstopped wrote: »
This. My dad died when I was 8, and by the age of 10 I was gaining weight and had everyone commenting on it -- my mother some, and my grandmother a lot. And I did sneak food all the time. The nitpicking you're describing, OP, is not going to help her. It's going to make her resentful. Support her as her mother, regardless of her size, and model good habits.
Also: considering accepting that maybe she will never want to change. I know you care about her health, but not everyone wants to lose weight.
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I just have to applaud you on how well you seem to be taking the advice of folks on here. So many people have had such deep rooted food issues from a young age and were affected so deeply by comments made by their parents (myself included), that they are incredibly passionate in their responses on the side of your daughter.
It would have been very easy for you to become defensive or shut down, but you seem very open to their ideas - and I think that's a rare and special thing. Your daughter is lucky to have a mom that is so open to the ideas (and criticism) of others!
Aside from what everyone else has said (and to be honest, I did not read through every response), I would maybe just let her know that should she decide to pursue therapy, that you would help her. It might even be something that you write a little note about. Wait until she brings something up about her dad, and then later write a note telling her you were thinking about it, and letting her know that if she should ever decide to pursue therapy, you would help her pay (or however you can support her). I would make it clear that it's her decision whether or not to pursue it, she has the control to pick the therapist, etc. Don't bring up the note or mention it unless she decides to talk about it. But she might be more open to it if it's something she can read in private and absorb without having to respond right away. Maybe she won't feel as attacked (not that you are attacking her, but she may take it that way).
Just my two cents. Best of luck to you and your daughter!
Thank you! It's nice to get some compliments too:) i am waiting to speak with her until next time she brings up her dad, I do think that will be the best time to approach it for sure.0 -
tinascar2015 wrote: »Seriously, leave her alone. I was your daughter. My mother could not believe she had this fat daughter who ate covertly and she did everything she could to 'help' including taking me to a doctor who put me on diet pills at 15, shaming me, punishing me, bribing me - anything she could think of to keep me from eating. At meals she would tell me that I didn't 'need' something she prepared and put on the table. None of it ultimately worked and it became a life long tug of war between us. I'm 67 now and my mother has been dead for 20 years but I'm still showing her and eating stuff I know is bad for me. Consequently, I have to lose more than 50 lbs yet again. I've done it every decade of my life. I mostly eat well, I go to the gym but in the back of my mind I hear Ma telling me I'm fat. The best way you can help her is to just let her know you love her and support her in whatever she chooses to do in life. I know you THINK you are trying to help her but really, you are making it about you and what you want for her. She needs to figure out what she wants for herself.
Wow, I am almost in tears. I was on dexedrine at age 14. That's speed. Black Beauties, they're called on the street, and I hated them. Your story is identical to mine, Karin, and I am so sorry. But I am also comforted knowing there are others out there who had mothers like mine. Ironically, mine turned out to be a very good closet alcoholic and none of us realized it until she was in her 70s. So, loads of dysfunctional family issues going on there.
When my stepdaughters were entering puberty years, they put on some weight. My husband would comment to me about it and wondered if he should say something. I pointed at my butt and told him that's what comes of making an issue of a girl's weight when she's in puberty, a time when all girls fill out. He quickly shut up and he never mentioned it again. Neither did their mother, and both girls are in great shgape, fit, active and gorgeous now that they're in their early 30s.
I don't shame my daughter, I would never do that... I love her dearly. Her father died of alcoholism at age 42 and that is a terrible thing for a child to grow up seeing. I don't want to upset her by pushing the issue, I haven't approached it since she turned 18.... That is why I am on here asking for everyones opinion as I don't want to destroy our relationship.
This is maybe how you get her to a therapist. What about you? Did you ever go to Al-anon or get help for your issues having been married to an alcoholic? Could she be subconsciously "swallowing" the issue because she thinks that you don't want to talk about it?
Maybe you can just say, "hey you're the daughter of addiction and divorce, it's almost impossible that you *couldn't* use some guidance dealing with that" and set her up with an appointment.
I can see a lot of people have a lot of pain due to parents being obsessed with their kids' weight. I don't see that in your posts, nonetheless be really careful about tying your concern just to her eating. The eating is a symptom, you want to address the disease.
I would love for both of us th do counseling together, she just won't do it. We talk about her dad all the time...she carries a lot of resentment towards him. She feels like he let her down, robbed her of making future memories, he won't be there to walk her down the isle when she gets married and he won't be there when she has kids....she is ver angry about that.
Have you gone to counseling without her?0 -
tinascar2015 wrote: »Seriously, leave her alone. I was your daughter. My mother could not believe she had this fat daughter who ate covertly and she did everything she could to 'help' including taking me to a doctor who put me on diet pills at 15, shaming me, punishing me, bribing me - anything she could think of to keep me from eating. At meals she would tell me that I didn't 'need' something she prepared and put on the table. None of it ultimately worked and it became a life long tug of war between us. I'm 67 now and my mother has been dead for 20 years but I'm still showing her and eating stuff I know is bad for me. Consequently, I have to lose more than 50 lbs yet again. I've done it every decade of my life. I mostly eat well, I go to the gym but in the back of my mind I hear Ma telling me I'm fat. The best way you can help her is to just let her know you love her and support her in whatever she chooses to do in life. I know you THINK you are trying to help her but really, you are making it about you and what you want for her. She needs to figure out what she wants for herself.
Wow, I am almost in tears. I was on dexedrine at age 14. That's speed. Black Beauties, they're called on the street, and I hated them. Your story is identical to mine, Karin, and I am so sorry. But I am also comforted knowing there are others out there who had mothers like mine. Ironically, mine turned out to be a very good closet alcoholic and none of us realized it until she was in her 70s. So, loads of dysfunctional family issues going on there.
When my stepdaughters were entering puberty years, they put on some weight. My husband would comment to me about it and wondered if he should say something. I pointed at my butt and told him that's what comes of making an issue of a girl's weight when she's in puberty, a time when all girls fill out. He quickly shut up and he never mentioned it again. Neither did their mother, and both girls are in great shgape, fit, active and gorgeous now that they're in their early 30s.
I don't shame my daughter, I would never do that... I love her dearly. Her father died of alcoholism at age 42 and that is a terrible thing for a child to grow up seeing. I don't want to upset her by pushing the issue, I haven't approached it since she turned 18.... That is why I am on here asking for everyones opinion as I don't want to destroy our relationship.
This is maybe how you get her to a therapist. What about you? Did you ever go to Al-anon or get help for your issues having been married to an alcoholic? Could she be subconsciously "swallowing" the issue because she thinks that you don't want to talk about it?
Maybe you can just say, "hey you're the daughter of addiction and divorce, it's almost impossible that you *couldn't* use some guidance dealing with that" and set her up with an appointment.
I can see a lot of people have a lot of pain due to parents being obsessed with their kids' weight. I don't see that in your posts, nonetheless be really careful about tying your concern just to her eating. The eating is a symptom, you want to address the disease.
I would love for both of us th do counseling together, she just won't do it. We talk about her dad all the time...she carries a lot of resentment towards him. She feels like he let her down, robbed her of making future memories, he won't be there to walk her down the isle when she gets married and he won't be there when she has kids....she is ver angry about that.
Have you gone to counseling without her?
I did, after I separated from her dad0 -
Yet another daughter here with a similar story. Both of my parents made a lot of remarks about my eating choices and size, and when I moved out, I married someone that continued that trend and it's taken close to 20 years to take the step back and say 'Enough' and deal with things on my terms.
I haven't read through all of the remarks, I think you've gotten some good advice. I would just say... Be careful, with anything you say related food and weight. You might feel the remark is innocuous and innocent, and your daughter may feel that you're picking at her choices.
Either way, best of luck, and I really hope this is something that can bring the two of you closer together, instead of driving a wedge further between you! 0
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