judged by your weight
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pineapple_peach10 wrote: »I've been there. Had guys tell me things about my weight. One said id be hotter if I lost weight.
There is a good man out there who will love you at any size.
I guess I know I would never be so shallow..dont get me wrong, we all have our types and there is nothing wrong with that. But to come right out and say that ??? I guess people dont know where Ive been and how hard I have fought to get here.
There is a difference between having a "type" and being an ***hole.
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maybe i wasnt clear.........i dont anyone to settle for me or talk themselves into me. I am upfront and honest about where I am with my weight. I told him from the get go and sent full body pics. He was honest, and I was not upset..hurt me with the truth rather than deceive me with a lie is what I always want. My point is, that it was an eye opener that weight truly is a barrier in dating and I guess it is a harsh pill to swallow. Especially when someone tells you you are very pretty, eloquent in how you speak, educated, have a good moral compass..etc...but they just cant get past your physicality. I dont hate myself, nor do I let others determine my self worth. It just shocked me that he couldnt just leave it at YOU ARE TOO OVERWEIGHT..but instead said he would rather date an unattractive, unemployed, uneducated woman if she was thin because that is all that matters to him. I never even met him....and yes I was glad he was honest..but a little too brutally honest .maybe i wasnt clear.........i dont anyone to settle for me or talk themselves into me. I am upfront and honest about where I am with my weight. I told him from the get go and sent full body pics. He was honest, and I was not upset..hurt me with the truth rather than deceive me with a lie is what I always want. My point is, that it was an eye opener that weight truly is a barrier in dating and I guess it is a harsh pill to swallow. Especially when someone tells you you are very pretty, eloquent in how you speak, educated, have a good moral compass..etc...but they just cant get past your physicality. I dont hate myself, nor do I let others determine my self worth. It just shocked me that he couldnt just leave it at YOU ARE TOO OVERWEIGHT..but instead said he would rather date an unattractive, unemployed, uneducated woman if she was thin because that is all that matters to him. I never even met him....and yes I was glad he was honest..but a little too brutally honest .
Physical attractiveness plays a part in dating? Never would have guessed
clearly you didnt read my initial post where I state there is nothing wrong with someone wanting a certain type.....
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yopeeps025 wrote: »MindySaysWhaaat wrote: »Everyone has preferences. If someone asked me out and I didn't find them attractive for whatever reason (weight, appearance etc) I'd probably just be polite and say "I'm sorry, I'm just not interested in you that way." I wouldn't tell them a specific reason because even if I don't like how someone looks, I wouldn't want to make them feel self conscious.
That being said, if a person is rude about telling someone they're not attracted to them, then that's just plain wrong. It sounds like the person you're talking about was probably in this category. Sorry you had to deal with that. Shrug it off, and move on.
Well I do agree with you but sometimes some women want to know why they are undateable by the guy they are talking to. If it is the truth well you got the answer right.
Yes I might sound a little odd but when you had women say your unattractive because of looks well it is what it is to them.
This is one of those situations where there's no win. So, you either make her upset by telling her that you're not attracted to her in general, or you tell her you're not attracted to her because of appearance, and she'll get mad and call you a shallow jerk. Guys are the same way when you tell them you're not attracted. People in general always want to know why, but it's not always helpful to know.0 -
It really comes down to acceptance. While I believe we all have a type we're attracted to, there comes a time when you start to appreciate certain attributes over more physical ones. This whole thread has actually scared me off of the whole dating thing. I'm going to keep working on myself and if I'm happy with me and if I might not measure up to someone else's ideals then that will be their prerogative and I won't let it diminish my self-esteem.0
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It really comes down to acceptance. While I believe we all have a type we're attracted to, there comes a time when you start to appreciate certain attributes over more physical ones. This whole thread has actually scared me off of the whole dating thing. I'm going to keep working on myself and if I'm happy with me and if I might not measure up to someone else's ideals then that will be their prerogative and I won't let it diminish my self-esteem.
well said.... a pretty face and perfect body can hide a black heart, just as easily as an overweight unattractive one can. I have never let that idiots comments stop me from being who I am or loving myself..just bummed me out for a new york minute. I lost no sleep over it lol.. life is too short
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I recently dated a man I met online six months earlier. I was also upfront and honest about my weight and sent plenty of recent pictures so there were no surprises when we met. The hardest part was that we fit each other so well in every way, we had a wonderful time together, but despite him knowing I was actively working to lose weight, he couldn't get past the fact that I weighed more than he did. I think he struggled with it, but it bothered him. I was really hurt when he said he'd rather we remained friends. He was as kind as could be about communicating his feelings to me, but it didn't take away the sting. I think what we all want is someone who can accept us as we are, and encourage our healthy habits and goals. I've taken motivation from our relationship. I'm not a spiteful person at all, but let me tell you- I cannot wait to send him my pictures once I've reached my goal weight! I have a feeling he will rethink the choices he made. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to meeting and dating men who are pleased with me exactly as I am.0
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I recently dated a man I met online six months earlier. I was also upfront and honest about my weight and sent plenty of recent pictures so there were no surprises when we met. The hardest part was that we fit each other so well in every way, we had a wonderful time together, but despite him knowing I was actively working to lose weight, he couldn't get past the fact that I weighed more than he did. I think he struggled with it, but it bothered him. I was really hurt when he said he'd rather we remained friends. He was as kind as could be about communicating his feelings to me, but it didn't take away the sting. I think what we all want is someone who can accept us as we are, and encourage our healthy habits and goals. I've taken motivation from our relationship. I'm not a spiteful person at all, but let me tell you- I cannot wait to send him my pictures once I've reached my goal weight! I have a feeling he will rethink the choices he made. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to meeting and dating men who are pleased with me exactly as I am.
best post of them all. I accept that I am not everyones type and I know it is from bad choices I made for a really long time. I want to look good for myself first !! you really put it very well. thank you 0 -
Look, it horrible that he added all that stuff. I don't understand why you didn't just tell him to look in the mirror if he was over weight. Why be nice if they aren't? Passive aggressive is bad for your health.0
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All of this, in a nutshell, is why I have made the decision to opt out of the whole dating and romance thing. If I'm going to be on my own for the rest of my life, fine. I have no interest in setting myself up for that kind of unpleasantness.0
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Well, that's true for most people - we typically look more attractive ("hotter") when we have healthy weight. Whether you want to hear the truth or not from the person you date is a different question. I prefer the truth and I did not get upset when I was told that I was getting fat recently. In fact, it motivated me quite a bitpineapple_peach10 wrote: »One said id be hotter if I lost weight.
Yeah I agree. I guess I should have added that the guy who said this was a total dick all around. It wasn't really the comment, it was more about who it was from. If it was said in a nicer, motivational, somewhat sensitive way then that's fine but he was just being a total @$$ about my weight (and other things).
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And I do definitely agree that physical attraction plays a huge role in dating, relationships, etc but people can also be tactful and treat others with respect.0
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I hate how we are judged by our size...it isnt easy being overweight and trying to date and put yourself out there. I actually had a man tell me once he would rather date an unattractive , uneducated, unemployed girl as long as she had a good body. sad but true
Why is being accepting of the unattractive, uneducated and/or unemployed a reason for sadness?
Isn't that comment basically a slap in the face to those less fortunate?
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I think what we all want is someone who can accept us as we are, and encourage our healthy habits and goals.
I don't think that's accurate. Even *I* don't accept how I am - I am constantly changing, striving, sometimes for the better, other times...not so much.
I'm not sure I could be happy with someone who is satisfied with who they are.
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I don't really care about being judged for my weight in the dating scene so long as it's just, a "hey, I'm not attracted to you" thing. There are plenty of people I'm not attracted to!
I can't even tell you for sure what makes me attracted to one person and totally not attracted to another similar person.. *shrug*
(though, irrelevant as I've been married ten years now)
What I REALLY hate is being judged in the workplace by my weight. My boss thinks I can't do anything. She assigns me like half the workload of someone else and than acts surprised when I have it done much earlier than expected. It would be okay if it had happened once or twice and then she learned, but she keeps acting like I'm going to be slow, stupid, or lazy because I'm fat. It's a bit ridiculous. My current job is a desk job, before this I was stocking in a warehouse and loading washing machines up on shelves. I occasionally try to remind her of that, and she just smiles patronizingly like I'm a moron.. *sigh*0 -
This is why I do not miss dating.
I did experience similar to the OP when I was doing online dating before I met my DH. I never lied about what I looked like, and sometimes I got rude comments. One that sticks out to me is once when I posted a profile that mentioned I was looking for serious and long-term, no casual hookups. Some guy messaged me saying he wanted to have a casual hookup, and was explicit about it. I told him politely that I wasn't looking for that. He then says you fatty no one would date a whale like you.
Not all of my dating experiences were like that, but I get where the OP is coming from. Everyone on some level wants to be loved and accepted, and just because one is overweight doesn't make them less worthy of love.
Now honesty is one thing, but being a dick is another thing entirely. No one deserves to be put down like that - there is no way that is okay. Just say you're not interested and that's it. The put downs are unnecessary.
And I'm sorry, but someone else slamming me unsolicited for my weight is not motivating in the least. It actually was the biggest roadblock for me losing weight - I feared being treated differently once I lost weight. FWIW I didn't get motivated to lose weight until after I got married and I no longer had the pressure of trying to be thin to gain the approval of men out in the dating world. I needed to do it for myself, not to get the approval of those who couldn't accept me as I was.0 -
marinabreeze wrote: »This is why I do not miss dating.
I did experience similar to the OP when I was doing online dating before I met my DH. I never lied about what I looked like, and sometimes I got rude comments. One that sticks out to me is once when I posted a profile that mentioned I was looking for serious and long-term, no casual hookups. Some guy messaged me saying he wanted to have a casual hookup, and was explicit about it. I told him politely that I wasn't looking for that. He then says you fatty no one would date a whale like you.
Not all of my dating experiences were like that, but I get where the OP is coming from. Everyone on some level wants to be loved and accepted, and just because one is overweight doesn't make them less worthy of love.
Now honesty is one thing, but being a dick is another thing entirely. No one deserves to be put down like that - there is no way that is okay. Just say you're not interested and that's it. The put downs are unnecessary.
And I'm sorry, but someone else slamming me unsolicited for my weight is not motivating in the least. It actually was the biggest roadblock for me losing weight - I feared being treated differently once I lost weight. FWIW I didn't get motivated to lose weight until after I got married and I no longer had the pressure of trying to be thin to gain the approval of men out in the dating world. I needed to do it for myself, not to get the approval of those who couldn't accept me as I was.
I love myself for what I have done so far...74 lbs since fitness pal..but I had lost 20 before I even joined on here. I dont let anyone take that away from me. I am smart enough to know that he must be insecure himself to treat others so terribly. I am lovable, giving, compassionate and if I end up alone , so be it. But I believe in the good of people for the most part and have found so much support on here. Not everyone who has everyone been as overweight as I was at one point can understand how it feels to be negated for that one thing, but I really have never judged anyone who doesnt like overweight people..but I do judge those that hit below the belt about it as he did. I like being kind to people...even when they dont deserve it..it is who I am
I am not a doormat by any means..but I keep my energy and mindset as positive as I can. I am a lover, not a hater
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