350lbs and hate what I've done to myself

mom4tav
mom4tav Posts: 21 Member
in Introduce Yourself
My name is Carrie.. I'm a wife, mother and run my own photography business. And I hate what I've done to myself!

For the past several years, I've been really struggling with loneliness, isolation and food addiction. Recently, while dealing with my husband's addiction to pain meds (he was hit by a drunk driver many years ago and suffers from chronic back pain) I've discovered that I abuse food in the same way my husband abuses his prescription medication. We get the same cravings, same anxiety, same relief.. and during these past few years while trying to help him, I've let myself go.

My husband is now on a better track and getting the help he needs, and I'm ready too. I'm tired of making excuses and I'm ready to take action. I want to live a healthy life, full of travel, new experiences, people and food.. yes.. even food, but I need help learning how to make the right choices, how to plan ahead, how not to be an emotional eater, and most of all, learn how to forgive myself for destroying my body and wasting so much of my life.

I actually started gaining weight after I moved out of my parent's home at the age of 18. I blamed my lifestyle for the weight gain...not knowing how to cook, eating fast food, not having to answer to anyone! The weight came on quickly and by the time I was married at 22, I was 275lbs. I stayed at that weight thru 2 pregnancies and for many years. In 2006 or 2007, I lost 35 lbs by logging in my food everyday and planning my meals. I kept it up for about 3 months and people started noticing and commenting on the weight loss. And almost overnight, I stopped! I was so disappointed in myself, and yet I was the reason for stopping my good progress. I never understood that and still dont. I gained the weight back and then some and ended up 300lbs. I though I had reached my peak. I stayed at that weight for several years and then in 2008, my husband lost his job.. we lost everything and had to start over. I took my photography hobby and created a business while my husband fell into deeper depression and sickness. 2 years ago, at its very worst, I left my husband and we separated for several months. During this separation, I realized that my husband wasn't the only one out of control.. I was too, only with food.. I had gained another 50lbs and was now the heaviest I had ever been!

My husband found the professional help he needed and is doing so much better and we have reconciled. I've made an appointment to get a physical (have been avoiding the doctor for years) and figure that's a good starting point for me. I started logging in my food here 2 days ago. Today is my third day and I'm putting myself out there because I need help and support.

Thanks for reading and I look forward to making new connections here. :)
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Replies

  • rlwilson1967
    rlwilson1967 Posts: 40 Member
    Good for you for getting started. Just start slow. Log all your food. And start walking. I have back slid on logging and being lazy about it, but I have kept up the walking. Get started and don't give yourself excuses why to not do it today. Start slow. I started walking by myself and was lucky if I could walk a 1/4 of a mile. But I have worked up to 3 miles a day. I do it in 3 different walks, a mile each.

    I have finally (this week) buckled down, upped my calorie goal to something I can live with and have been staying at or just above that goal for the last 3 or 4 days. It has to be something you can live with. Too low is not going to make it.

    Good luck to you!
  • mom4tav
    mom4tav Posts: 21 Member
    thanks for the response. :) walking is such a good idea and a great place to start!
  • ellie0213
    ellie0213 Posts: 562 Member
    Congratulations on taking control of your life. Start with some simple goals and build up from there. :) Feel free to add me if you'd like. I'm here everyday.
  • mom4tav
    mom4tav Posts: 21 Member
    Thanks for the encouragement! :)
  • zombiegirlfriend
    zombiegirlfriend Posts: 24 Member
    Hi Miss Carrie! I'm Nicole and I'm a gemini! I don't know about you but I LOVE what you're doing to yourself now! You awknowledged the problem, and now you're taking steps to make yourself the BEST version of yourself! You've already already so much further than so many people in this world, and I find you inspiring! It starts with logging food and calories, and then there is this amazing "aha" moment, when you realize the more excercise you do, the more you can eat! So YOU will find that balance between healthy food choices, cardio and strength, and the occasional cheat day! The only thing that could EVER be in your way is YOU! and YOU aren't gonna let that happen!

    I love that in a way, you and your husband are on this journey together! An addiction is an addiction! I don't care if you're addicted to ciggrettes, food, diet coke, or heroin! They are ALL addictive and can be horrible to control! What's tough about you and your husbands journey is the fact you can both just "Stop eating food" or "Stop taking pain medication with chronic pain" - learning to "regulate" can be more difficult than just stoping completly.

    I would very much like to be your friend on MFP and watch, what I expect to be, an amazing journey! Sure it's going to be tough, and there will be days that you don't think you can do it - but you believe in you! You have a support system at home and a random stranger in Arizona thinks you are FANTASTIC!
  • MynameisJerryB
    MynameisJerryB Posts: 168 Member
    You can do this!! and there is no better place for motivation and encouragement. Start small with realistic goals and expectations and commit to being in it for the long haul and you will get your life back on track. Congratulations on making it this far!!
  • vanessafinalbattle
    vanessafinalbattle Posts: 16 Member
    Wanting to do something about is the first step, don't be afraid of failure, and never give up!

    Similar to you I moved away from home at an early age, I lived with ppl who ate fast food everyday. Soon before I knew it my highest weight was 255Lb at 21 years old. I know the feeling of hopelessness, embarrassment and shame. Never give up!

    Start with small steps as others have already said. Mine was breakfast. I started eating oatmeal and boiled eggs as my breakfast. Then I added exercise, swimming. Slowly by slowly my diet and exercise progressed. Now I am 27 years old, 100 Lbs lighter, and continuously strength train.

    Believe in yourself! You are strong, You are worth it! Don't be discouraged...you will have ups and downs.

  • FluffySandwich
    FluffySandwich Posts: 1,293 Member
    Good on you for coming forward. I know it takes courage. Keep coming to this site and we will give you the positive energy and motivation you need to move forward :) It's not easy, but I know you have what it takes to turn yourself around and look and feel absolutely fabulous!!!
  • mildollarsmile
    mildollarsmile Posts: 41 Member
    Hi Carrie!!!

    I am so proud of you for taking this step to a healthier you! Our stories are similar with our weight struggles. My highest was 320. I got down to 248, then had endometriosis and a total hysterectomy and gained up to 285 that's when I said no more and got back on here and started logging and actually joining some of the support groups and challenges and such. I am now at 281.1 and have so much to lose but trying to set small goals. I walk an about 2 miles a day and just started doing zumba and love it. Start slow, that's what I did as well. 20-30 min walk here and there or doing Leslie Sansone WATP videos.

    Make small changes in your diet as well, I have decreased the carb intake and upped my protein. Then started adding in more fruits and veggies (hard for me, not a big veggie lover) But I got this and you do too!! Stay strong and take it one day at a time. One meal at a time. and soon you will see progress and you will feel so much better!!

    Good luck!
    God Bless!
    Mel
  • debronjon
    debronjon Posts: 13 Member
    Carrie, you can do this. Just take it one day/ one hour/ one minute at a time. You are worth it. Keep tells yourself that.
  • moonjewel76
    moonjewel76 Posts: 29 Member
    I just started, too, and I'm not that much less than you in weight. We CAN do this. I know it. I am also addicted to food. It is an addiction, really, to a drug as well...serotonin. When we eat food (especially carbs) it releases serotonin and then we become immune, in a way (this is how a doctor described it to me, lol) and have to eat MORE in order to get the same serotonin dump. It's going to be hard, but we can do this. I'm here for support and cheerleading along the way if you need it. :)
  • annied1961
    annied1961 Posts: 48
    Hi Carrie: You are owning your situation-Good for you!
    One day at a time-adds up!
    It all starts today!
    Show Yourself what you can do!
  • howekaren
    howekaren Posts: 159 Member
    I've struggled for years with my weight. I've gained, lost, gained, lost again, and so on. I'm currently on a losing cycle, and my only consolation is that I'm healthier and fitter and smaller that when I started. I've found logging to be essential. I started getting my health on track about 9 years ago, and it has improved but I'm far from perfect. I started out with walking 30min, 3x/week and now I play 2 hrs volleyball twice a week, 1hr cross-fit sessions at least 3 times a week, and try to lift weights and run short distances when I can. I now look forward to hikes, tennis, softball and other activities instead of avoiding exercise. You're starting the exact right way. I've had 90 off, currently at about 60 down, but since I've built a fair amount of muscle I look the same as I did when I had 75 off.

    I highly recommend this book:
    http://www.amazon.ca/Lose-It-Right-Brutally-3-Stage/dp/0345812468

    It was amazing for me to read the physical reasons why I overeat, and why willpower isn't enough. He also explains how exercise is imperative for health, but that it can't outdo a bad diet for weight loss. Seriously, I can't like that book enough or clearly define how it helped me lose a lot of mental baggage.

    Another fine resource: http://www.weightymatters.ca Dr. Yoni Freedhoff is a bariatric specialist with a common sense approach. "Your healthy weight is the weight you can sustain while living a healthy lifestyle". Note he didn't say "BMI" or "normal" but healthy. Size isn't the defining rule; health is.

    Meal planning is absolutely key for many people, I'm one of them, and I'm an admitted binge eater myself. I have to remind myself that this is not a diet. This is a healthy lifestyle. No foods are forbidden. I just have to know how to plan accordingly.

    And you most definitely did not waste your past life. You've had good days and bad, raised your children, helped your husband, started a business. Your weight doesn't define you. How you live your life and the kind of person you are defines you. Your weight is a side-effect of how you life your life. Start living a healthier life and your weight will follow. Lord knows it's hard, but it is doable. One day at a time, and with lots of support.

    If you want someone who doesn't believe in fad diets, pseudo science, food fear-mongering, toxic cleanses and the like, feel free to add me.
  • sjalexander100
    sjalexander100 Posts: 2 Member
    One of the most important aspects is you figured out what you were doing to get to where you where. That is acknowledgment and building your self confidence towards the goals you want. Always give yourself credit for every ounce you lose, it does not matter how long it takes to reach the goal, what matters is the journey and how it will change you.
  • ilovemypeekapug
    ilovemypeekapug Posts: 106 Member
    Hi, Carrie! Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. I am going to send you a friend request. It is never too late to start making healthy choices! Best of luck....you can do this!
  • agbmom556
    agbmom556 Posts: 694 Member
    rlwilson1967 wrote: »
    Good for you for getting started. Just start slow. Log all your food. And start walking. I have back slid on logging and being lazy about it, but I have kept up the walking. Get started and don't give yourself excuses why to not do it today. Start slow. I started walking by myself and was lucky if I could walk a 1/4 of a mile. But I have worked up to 3 miles a day. I do it in 3 different walks, a mile each.

    *This
    Walking also helps me clear my mind. Consider buying a device to help you count your daily steps and build up from there. :)
    I am sending you a friend request.
    -
  • hollihankins
    hollihankins Posts: 13
    Your insight into yourself is very refreshing! Not many have that ability to see themselves as clearly as you have. Good for you. It will serve you well in the journey ahead. It's funny (not really) how when someone starts to notice something good you're doing you stop!
    I have never been able to handle positive attention either! I'm happy that you and your husband have reconciled and perhaps can take this adventure together...but if not..you stay at it. You're worth it! That's what I remind myself daily..I AM worth it. Eating correctly is soooo hard for me. My goals are to get in 30 minutes of some movement and log my food even if it is unhealthy food without all the condemnation that I heap on myself. Just trying to be kind to me and slowly reverse a lifetime of bad habits. Post encouraging sayings around the house and on your computer screen! We can do this!!
  • urloved33
    urloved33 Posts: 3,325 Member
    Thank you for sharing.

    Breathe, walk, breathe...breathe.
  • ginny92802
    ginny92802 Posts: 66 Member
    Welcome to this place, I am glad you are here. I was also about 350 at my heaviest. It's not easy losing weight, but it's certainly not easy being that heavy, either. I'll send you a friend request!
  • gerrielips
    gerrielips Posts: 180 Member
    The best to you...you'll find a lot of support here. Hope that when you see your doctor, he/she will be encouraging and give good guidance.

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