My rock bottom... trying to get out :(
Replies
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nannersp61 wrote: »Stay with your parents. Get a court ordered restraining order and begin divorce preceedings immediately. You can easily get a divorce considering the way you've been abused over the years. He sounds like he has a massive personality disorder, this is a very toxic relationship.
err no to the court order or beginning divorce proceedings.
1. Its for the OP to make her own mind up and reach a decision that she can see thats the best way forward for her. theres a lot to untangle herself from. Starting divorce proceedings when she is still in recovery and not at the stage where she can make decisions would be premature and alter him.
2. Why seek a restraining order when she has not been threatened and he has done nothing to intimate he would harass her? it only pits him on alert and he is an unknown factor and unpredictable.
She can make up her mind to use a restraining order or divorce him if need be. Personally I think they're legitimate suggestions
"Alter him"? Who gives a *kitten* about this douche bag? And I certainly think bashing somebody's face in or almost making them lose an eye qualifies as intimidating. I only read the story and hell I'm intimidated
Alter was a typo it was alert.
If you look at my post im saying exacly that, its for the OP to decide to do so when she feels ready to. For the moment shes in a safe place and is slowly getting into a better place.
Its a question of timing and when she feels ready to make the decision. When she does then his response is unpredictable and she has to be ready for that. He could be very volatile so theres no point setting him off prematurely until she is ready to deal with him because at the moment he is leaving her alone.
Of course they are legitimate suggestions/ aspirations, its more a question of timing, am surprised you couldnt see that. Ive been involved in these situations a number of times with friends and family, which brings to light the limitations of the law in these situations. just because you have a restraining order doesnt mean it works. At the moment the OP is best served imo getting to a better place and can make those decisions when she feel up to it and ready. Its hard in her head to let go no matter how much the rest of us may feel he's toxic and should be ditched.
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Yeah it's still showing "No requests".0 -
Yeah it's still showing "No requests".
Sending FR. we'll get it worked out. Tell me if you don't see that either.0 -
Keep staying strong! You're beautiful and can accomplish all that you work hard for. We're all here for support. Fall in love with the life you're living everyday-good and bad days. Good luck with all your progress to come!0
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Yeah it's still showing "No requests".
Sending FR. we'll get it worked out. Tell me if you don't see that either.
I also didn't recieve a request. Guessing MFP is having some kinks with groups again.
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Kida_Adeylne wrote: »
Yeah it's still showing "No requests".
Sending FR. we'll get it worked out. Tell me if you don't see that either.
I also didn't recieve a request. Guessing MFP is having some kinks with groups again.
I can actually go to the group too and request to join but the request never goes through. It just hangs there. I'm going to try a different browser too.
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In Canada, you don't have to get divorced right away (or ever). You can be separate and apart and maintain that for as long as you like. The only reason you "have" to get divorced is if you have a pension that requires a divorce certificate to remove him as a beneficiary, or you want to get remarried.
You're doing wonderful. Amazing, even. I'm so glad you're getting the support you need from your medical team, your family and friends, and from AA. You're making the right decisions *for you*, for right *now*. And that's all you can do.0 -
I can't seem to locate the group but I would love an invite. Very invested in how OP is getting along!0
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Forget about the weight loss for now and get the hell out of this marriage! Stress will kill you before a few extra pounds will.0
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nannersp61 wrote: »Stay with your parents. Get a court ordered restraining order and begin divorce preceedings immediately. You can easily get a divorce considering the way you've been abused over the years. He sounds like he has a massive personality disorder, this is a very toxic relationship.
err no to the court order or beginning divorce proceedings.
1. Its for the OP to make her own mind up and reach a decision that she can see thats the best way forward for her. theres a lot to untangle herself from. Starting divorce proceedings when she is still in recovery and not at the stage where she can make decisions would be premature and alter him.
2. Why seek a restraining order when she has not been threatened and he has done nothing to intimate he would harass her? it only pits him on alert and he is an unknown factor and unpredictable.
She can make up her mind to use a restraining order or divorce him if need be. Personally I think they're legitimate suggestions
"Alter him"? Who gives a *kitten* about this douche bag? And I certainly think bashing somebody's face in or almost making them lose an eye qualifies as intimidating. I only read the story and hell I'm intimidated
Alter was a typo it was alert.
If you look at my post im saying exacly that, its for the OP to decide to do so when she feels ready to. For the moment shes in a safe place and is slowly getting into a better place.
Its a question of timing and when she feels ready to make the decision. When she does then his response is unpredictable and she has to be ready for that. He could be very volatile so theres no point setting him off prematurely until she is ready to deal with him because at the moment he is leaving her alone.
Of course they are legitimate suggestions/ aspirations, its more a question of timing, am surprised you couldnt see that. Ive been involved in these situations a number of times with friends and family, which brings to light the limitations of the law in these situations. just because you have a restraining order doesnt mean it works. At the moment the OP is best served imo getting to a better place and can make those decisions when she feel up to it and ready. Its hard in her head to let go no matter how much the rest of us may feel he's toxic and should be ditched.
Oh ok your first line said no to both suggestions, so naturally, I assumed that was your position. Surely AA has an excemption for a near death situation. But I can't claim any kind of knowledge of that process, so
No, I won't always see things the way you do. Please I'll once again ask you to not be surprised at this0 -
OP, thanks for your updates, and I very much enjoy reading them. But to be clear you do not owe it to us. Just live your life
Very impressed at your doctor surprising you like that. It sounds like a very reasonable response to your situation
I think you were given very good advice to go back to your home only if escorted by a police. Yeah, you took your Dad, but I just read that at 2x the people potentially in danger0 -
Oh ok your first line said no to both suggestions, so naturally, I assumed that was your position. Surely AA has an excemption for a near death situation. But I can't claim any kind of knowledge of that process, so
No, I won't always see things the way you do. Please I'll once again ask you to not be surprised at this
It was about timing and just being practial. Id agree in the long run I hope the OP finds the strength and clarity of mind to divorce him, its painfully obvious to everyone here hat he is bad news, but when you are vulnerable and in a relationship its hard to see things objectively. At the moment the OP is doing great, she's safe and he isnt harassing her because he isnt aware just how great she is doing and he thinks hes in control imo. let him think that as long as he stays away. When he finds out then you dont know what his reaction will be and as we already know hes a controller and abuser he might try and intimidate the OP or make things unpleasant. Thats what people with that sort of personality do when they start to lose control they try and intimidate back.
Every day that goes by is a day the OP gets stronger and hopefully can see him for who he is. She kind of has to deprogram herself from the situation and be able to see it objectively, which will make the decision easier than people telling her.
She can get a restraining order later, but the police cant be there 24/7 so they tend to be reactive, quite stressful and even more so if he doesnt play ball. Everyone wants the OP to be safe and to get to a better place. Hopefully she will get some good advice and support from one of the local refuges or abuse helplines. Not my jurisdiction or practice area.
Ps No problem disagreeing with me I was responding just to clarify and explain. Am sure everyone wants whats best for the OP and that she manages to find her own way and a happier life.0 -
Kida_Adeylne wrote: »
Yeah it's still showing "No requests".
Sending FR. we'll get it worked out. Tell me if you don't see that either.
I also didn't recieve a request. Guessing MFP is having some kinks with groups again.
I'm out running around for a few hours and will check back later and see if we can fix this. Anyone who does find the group and request to join will be in limbo till we see and accept your request.0 -
I've been reading this over the last few days. The kind words, concern and support the majority are offering is wonderful..
Please can I get a group invite?
OP you are so brave and stronger than you realise. You've done so well making efforts in battling your addiction.
You may find that losing your job will end up being a blessing in disguise, that boss sounded really nasty and you don't need that stress on top of everything else.
Nobody should have to suffer the emotional and physical abuse, bullying and manipulation that your husband has put you through.
Look after yourself and stay strong x0 -
Oh ok your first line said no to both suggestions, so naturally, I assumed that was your position. Surely AA has an excemption for a near death situation. But I can't claim any kind of knowledge of that process, so
No, I won't always see things the way you do. Please I'll once again ask you to not be surprised at this
It was about timing and just being practial. Id agree in the long run I hope the OP finds the strength and clarity of mind to divorce him, its painfully obvious to everyone here hat he is bad news, but when you are vulnerable and in a relationship its hard to see things objectively. At the moment the OP is doing great, she's safe and he isnt harassing her because he isnt aware just how great she is doing and he thinks hes in control imo. let him think that as long as he stays away. When he finds out then you dont know what his reaction will be and as we already know hes a controller and abuser he might try and intimidate the OP or make things unpleasant. Thats what people with that sort of personality do when they start to lose control they try and intimidate back.
Every day that goes by is a day the OP gets stronger and hopefully can see him for who he is. She kind of has to deprogram herself from the situation and be able to see it objectively, which will make the decision easier than people telling her.
She can get a restraining order later, but the police cant be there 24/7 so they tend to be reactive, quite stressful and even more so if he doesnt play ball. Everyone wants the OP to be safe and to get to a better place. Hopefully she will get some good advice and support from one of the local refuges or abuse helplines. Not my jurisdiction or practice area.
Ps No problem disagreeing with me I was responding just to clarify and explain. Am sure everyone wants whats best for the OP and that she manages to find her own way and a happier life.
Thanks! I actually did some (very) light reading on the subject of avoiding a divorce in the first year of sobriety and it had to do with avoiding majorly stressful situations. One website went on to clarify that no unnecessary changes should be made in that first year
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I think your SOB husband kicking you out might be the best thing that happened to you (you may not realize it now, but you may in the future). Work on helping yourself for you, taking advantage of you!
Your coworker may just be heaven sent, someone sent to you to help you out of your hell hole. If you stick with AA, she might be able to sponsor you and help you help yourself (she can't lift you up, she can only hold her hand to you and help you lift yourself up). I hope your parents can provide support for you while you work through your issues.
I can see the challenge in your career as a new lawyer. New jobs are TOUGH!!! But you made it through college, law school and the bar, you've got the ability and the talent! Do your best at each assignment you get, and concentrate on your job (not on the bitchy supervisor).
I think you've already hit bottom and are working your way up. Kicking the booze is a great first step to clear your mind and start chipping away at your problems, one at a time. If hubby's out of the picture, you're staying sober, then concentrating on job might be a good third step. I wouldn't worry about the weight right now (eat healthy, though!!), concentrate on the big stuff. As they ease up, the weight might just take care of itself.
I wish you the best in your endeavors and hope you can work through this. It'll take time. But every baby step you take turns into bigger steps and accomplishments. Reaching out to those who support you and rejecting those who don't goes a long way in helping you make your life better.0 -
ManagingIntake wrote: »Thanks to both of you.
I know the people on here are not qualified to help me, I just really needed to get it out and let my MFP friends know what I am going through. I am seeing my psychologist on a regular basis and will continue with AA.
My husband has been verbally physically (mostly verbally) abusive for years. When I am not depressed, I stand up for myself and he stops.
But what he did tonight, kick me out for being 35 lbs overweight (or, over my goal anyway... I'm not actually that overweight), really hurt. I know it's easy for people to say "leave him", but it's just... complicated.
My whole life has been invested in this marriage. Heck, I never wanted to be a lawyer but I became one because he made me. He wants to stay home most of the year (he is a truck driver and only works seasonal) and planned it so I would make a good living to support him. Now I hate my life and my job.
I know I sound ridiculous. I do have a logical voice in me that knows he's a je*k.
But I am too scared to leave him permanently. I hope someone on here understands.
I hate this.
I haven't read through everything, but you are not 35 pounds overweight. Look up a bmi calculator. I completely understand being in horrible relationships and nobody is going to make you leave him until you are ready to leave, but I guarantee one day you will have enough and you will leave and it will be the best day of your life. You have a whole lot going for you. You obviously have parents that love you, sobriety, a job, you are getting help. You will get through this. You are a whole lot stronger than you think you are. You have gotten through more than most people have. You'll be ok. Get a sponsor, work the steps and you'll figure out what you need to do. If your husband is an alcoholic, try alanon meetings.0 -
Hi, I bookmarked this to finish reading and only just got round to it.
Hope you're okay OP, just wanted to wish you all the best. Just take things one day at a time x0 -
Would love to be friends with anyone who would like an extra bit of support 0
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I missed this obviously, the first time it came around. I've taken the time to break two posts down in to categories. My wish for you, OP is that your self-talk (defeatist language) will do an about-turn in the years to come. You will see yourself as the strong, intelligent, and competent woman that you are.
Defeatist Language
...desperate...anxiety-ridden...lack of confidence...failure...OCD...depressed...I hate my life...I tried...I felt horrible that I was obvious about this downfall...broken...my life has fallen apart...I'm weak...feel so ashamed for covering it up for so long...
Life Stressors
I am a new lawyer
my husband is abusive verbally and physically
I do not like my boss.... I am so frightened I will be fired/lost job
I got in a car accident and lost my car two weeks ago (no, I was not drinking and driving).
Student Loans
Under Your Control
drinking heavily every day
not take my anti-depressants that my doctor prescribed me
Taking Charge
I have called the local distress center and the suicide prevention line.
I called an emergency line for lawyers and they set me up with a psychologist (regularly attending).
Attending AA.
Going to a hot yoga class.
Starting to eat better.
Creating a Supportive Women group.
Assets
Mentor at work six years your senior.
You are now at your parent's house.
My comments:
I escaped my first abusive marriage, so I relate to a lot of your feelings. The abuser is instilling a twisted image of who you are. With a bit of perspective you will see how ridiculous this is. You are intelligent, lovely, and capable. He uses abusive language to maintain control.
I don't think you have a weight problem. You are just squeaking in to the overweight range for your height. He might be trying to convince you to be lighter so he has a better chance of taking you in a fight (just kidding).
It might be hard to leave this man but I think he's the chief reason you are unhappy. Break that chain and a lot of other things are going to get better. Instead of losing weight, I think you would do better to get in to weight training and build some bulk. The hot yoga sounds lovely too.
Because no way would I want to give a man like this what he wants. He has mis-abused your covenant marriage and made a mockery of love.
By the way, it is a common abused partner's pattern to hide the abuse for a long time (just like enablers hiding alcoholism in the family attending Al-Anon). There is no shame in revealing your soon to be ex-husband for the monster he is. When you feel strong enough to be open about this, you will be providing a public service to any unsuspecting women he may try and hook up with down the road.0 -
Thank you everyone for continuing to post supportive messages on this thread.
I am sorry, because I haven't been on MFP for a few days. I've been busy with hot yoga, walking (finally, yay!), AA meetings galore, and lots of extra sleeping, oversleeping really.
I have also been really sad, despite me getting a little stronger. I am grieving the loss of my relationship, and I am still not ready to think about divorce. Some people have commented that it's hard for me to see things objectively, which it is. I have too many emotions going on right now, and although I have a logic side telling me to get out, I am just trying to take one day at a time, and heal on my own.
I am eating better, exercising, and I can tell I am losing weight. I am doing it for me though, not him. My parents, who I am still staying with, do not have a scale, so I do not know how much weight I lost. I kind of want to go to Wal-Mart to get a cheap scale so I can track my progress. I am feeling better. I have also stopped drinking caffeine which is giving me pretty bad headaches. I never drink coffee (don't like the taste of it), but am a diet pepsi fanatic.
I can tell, since I have stopped drinking, that I am less bloated.
UPDATE:
On Saturday night my husband texted me reminding me that it is his uncle's 70th birthday. His uncle lives with us and has for 10 years. He is very disabled but we take care of him. I had to call to say happy birthday. When I called, my husband answered, and I just asked to talk to his uncle. He said "yeah, I don't want to talk to you either". Later he texted me saying he was upset that I couldn't even say hi or hello to him. I texted back (yes, in a moment of weakness), that I did not want to talk to him, was scared of him and what he might say, and thought that he still needed to do some soul searching himself to really understand what he does to me.
We had a texting war. I knew when I was responding that I was only fueling the fire, and I regret it, but like I said, I was being weak. I told him I learned a lot about spousal abuse and how I didn't deserve his treatment of me. He kept blaming me for his behaviour. I told him to Google the "power control wheel", as I have done so at the advice of one of my MFP friends and found that he fit a lot of the categories (not all, but a lot). He started saying that he doesn't want to control me, never has wanted to, and he swears on his mother's grave. I asked him, "why do you demonstrate behaviors of control then?" He started saying his actions were not to control me, but to "motivate" me into being a better person. He told me not to mistake his "motivational techniques" for spousal abuse. I yelled at my phone, not answering him, yelling "you are delusional!!!". He really is. He has since texted me admitting that his treatment of me may have been a little much and may have contributed to my depression. Progress, I thought, until he started to blame me again. He keeps texting that I have lied to him too many times and he just got tired of it. I have lied to him. But a lot of it was out of fear of what he would say or do to me if I told the truth.
I really appreciate all of your comments and I am continuing to work on myself and take this time to heal and become stronger. I haven't yet decided on divorce. It's not easy for me. I am too clouded with emotions. I might get there. But for now I am keeping my distance.
I am 24 days sober today and continue to go to AA meetings. In fact, on Sunday, two AA lawyer members that I have met had a party at another AA member's house to celebrate their 15 and 20 years of sobriety. It was wonderful. We all sat around and shared what we are grateful for. I said I was grateful for all my new best friends in AA and the MFP community and my parents. We had wonderful, non-alcoholic drinks, and it was a pot luck. It felt good to be around new friends with the same goals.
Also, my ex-box rescheduled on me when I was on my way to meet her on Friday. That's typical her. She is always late and always reschedules. I still don't have my stuff out of my office. Tonight she is going to text me when she is done work and the new plan is to meet her at the office for our "meeting" and for me to get my stuff back. A little nervous, but it has to be done.
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Just got a call from one of my ex boss's Assistants (who used to be one of my Assistants).
She rescheduled on me again. She is at an off-site course in a city about an hour from here, and decided that, instead of coming back to the office to meet with me as planned, and allow me to get my stuff, she is going to stay the night and party with friends. Looks like tomorrow night will be the night. Hopefully. I want to get this over with and get my stuff (including my April 15th paycheck...).0 -
I don't understand why the get your stuff meeting has to be with your boss. Sounds like she's a bit disorganized or maybe just likes playing games. Anyone with either a certain status in the office or some managerial responsibilities should be able to walk with you to pick up your stuff. Some places can also have security pack up your stuff for you so you just have to grab the box without coming to the office. Not that I'd necessarily want people touching my stuff but it could be a better option sometimes
Thanks for updating. A new challenge everyday, right! Overall you do seem like you're having fun and heading in the right direction! 0 -
I was a little nervous that you hadn't updated, but it's great your spending time for yourself. Congrats on 24 days sober. You're one tough cookie.
It might have been a bad thing that you fueled the fire in texting, but it's great you could see his manipulative behaviors for what they were: utter bull.
I would suggest not having a scale: you feel better, which is the main thing. And if you don't know, then if the *insert unsavory term here* asks, you won't have a number to give him.0 -
Good luck hon
Also, word of warning, please don't fall for his words. I have been in an abusive relationship before, I finished it twice, and each time after about a month he would tell me that he realized it was his fault, he was in the wrong, he realized he did x, y and z and promised he was working on changing to treat me better. Two months back into the relationship, he would revert back to his old behaviours and I would wonder why I ever fell for thinking he would change.
Obviously he may really change, but you are doing, so, so well without him! Go you getting your life back on track, you deserve so much better 0 -
Dear Managing... You are loved. You are valuable apart from your external situation. You are beautiful. Your heart reaches out to others in its deepest need. You will undoubtedly receive numerous friend requests, but I'm sending mine also. You need a prayer partner to walk along beside you more than any other physical thing.0
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SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO proud of you! You are taking such great steps towards your success. I know its hard and not everyday will be a happy one filled with joy but because of the steps you are taking a majority of them will be great days. Reading your latest post truly made me smile because you are becoming so strong and it seems like you are starting to realize your worth. Keep up the great work! You were strong to talk to your husband and help him face reality. The temptation will always be there to talk to him, well not always but it will be there for a while but the way you handeled it was amazing. YOU ARE TRULY AMAZING! Keep it going and dont give up on yourself. Congratulations 0
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Thank you for the recent update. Very glad to hear about your progress. Don't beat yourself up over your texting war. It happens. Sometimes we need to say (or type) things more for our own benefit than for anyone else's. A lot of us have been with men such as your husband and believe me (and everyone else) they DO NOT CHANGE.
Congratulations on your continued sobriety and you enjoy every minute of your yoga!0
This discussion has been closed.
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