My rock bottom... trying to get out :(
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ManagingIntake wrote: »I will stay with my parents for a while. One thing about leaving that frightens me is telling my friends and extended family. They all love him and they do not know how he treats me. I would feel so ashamed for covering it up for so long. All the gifts they gave us as a married couple. All the cards, the conversations... all a lie. (?). It's too scary for me to think about such a big change.
Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my post and reply with such thoughtful comments.
They wouldn't give those material items a second thought. They would be proud of you for loving yourself enough to say no more. And I hope you reach a point where you're able to do that. Your value as a person is not in a number on a scale.0 -
ManagingIntake wrote: »I will stay with my parents for a while. One thing about leaving that frightens me is telling my friends and extended family. They all love him and they do not know how he treats me. I would feel so ashamed for covering it up for so long. All the gifts they gave us as a married couple. All the cards, the conversations... all a lie. (?). It's too scary for me to think about such a big change.
Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my post and reply with such thoughtful comments.
I think you are really brave.
Don't feel like you have to go into detail with others about what happened. If all you feel comfortable with saying is that things just didn't work out and leave it at that it's fine to do so. I've been in your situation before and it took me about five years until I told my mom and sister about the physical abuse that I went through with my ex. Up until then they knew that things were bad but did not know any specific details.0 -
ManagingIntake wrote: »Thank you everyone again for your comments.
To the few that said I wasn't being physically abused so I shouldn't go to a women's shelter (which I haven't yet and not sure I will), I was being very physically abused. My posts have focused on the verbal abuse, because it reality, it hurts so much worse.
There is rarely a day that I didn't have a bruise. Mostly my legs and upper arms (he likes to hit me where my clothes will cover) but there have been worse incidents.
One day a couple years ago when he saw me eating chocolate (but wanted me to lose weight, like now), he took his wedding ring off and threw it as hard as he could at me. It hit me square in the middle of my left eye, and I almost went blind in that eye. I had to go to the hospital and get treated to save my eyesight. I told people at work it was from playing street hockey and a hockey stick got me in the eye.
I have had a couple of fractured bones as well. He has squeezed my fat so hard I started to bleed from his nails digging into me.
He has destroyed a lot of my property too. He has smashed an old laptop of mine and I lost all my data. He has ripped up my clothes that he doesn't like. He has torn apart our wedding album. He has ripped up blankets that I knitted and tore apart jewelry that I made (I like arts and crafts, and he usually destroys the things I put my heart into).
I met my AA sponsor today for coffee and told her everything. She is being very supportive of me. She is 4 years sober, a criminal defence lawyer, and told me that she will tell me her story next, but that it was just as bad, if not worse than mine.
I am still not drinking. 15 days sober.
I like the idea of calling my psychologist first, before the Wednesday meeting, to discuss the situation before I remind him about the appointment (that is, if I do... he might actually remember and just show up).
He texted me about an hour and a half ago: "I'm starting to clean the house. I would like to get together after to talk, message me back and let me know if you want to meet up".
I haven't replied.
A part of me wants to meet him to tell him I will be staying with my parents for longer. That we will stay separated. If he tries to apologize and defend himself I would walk away. But I also think I should just let him know how I feel with silence. I am also still clouded with emotions and may be a little weak, buying into his apologies if he has any.
To all of those who have taken the time to read my messages and send me supportive comments, I want to thank you. I admit to not being the strongest person right now. And I know some think I am stupid for not filing for divorce yet or making a decision.
In fact, one of the pieces of advice I have received from many of my fellow AA members is: "You should not make any major decisions in your first year of sobriety".
One lady posted, a few posts back:
"It appears she still pines after him and has no immediate plans to divorce him. Eeeewww. I wish I never commented on this thread.
I'm out."
To be quite honest, I was really hurt by that. Started crying. But it's because I am dealing with depression and anxiety and complete sadness and my mental illness is standing in the way of me being completely confident in anything. The fact I am staying with my parents and not begging for him to forgive me and take me back, is a HUGE difference for me, as that it what I would typically do.
I have to take one step at a time and I'm sorry to those who do not think I am acting quick enough.
I don't often post on here but I keep reading this thread to see how you are doing. First of all, I want to say a huge CONGRATULATIONS on being sober. That is a HUGE achievement and shows just how strong you are!!
Secondly, ignore that poster. The comment made me angry and I believe it comes from somebody who has never had any personal experience of being hurt either physically, mentally or emotionally by their partner. Please do not take it to heart.
Thirdly, I really want you to be wary of meeting up with him. Ignoring his texts is clearly getting to him as he is starting to see he is losing control. I fear that if you physically go and see him and tell him you're not coming back that he may do something drastic to either prevent you leaving or to regain his sense of control. PLEASE be careful, you are doing so well on your own!! You are sober, you are free of your horrific and controlling boss, you have a new car, you are beginning to see through your husband's actions and you know they are not because of you. Think of the amazing possibilities in your future! You can do ANYTHING you want to if you see that in yourself. We are all complete strangers and we care about you enough to keep checking in and trying to make you see the amazing person that we all see.
Stay strong. Stay safe. You do not need that *kitten* in your life!! xx0 -
azulvioleta6 wrote: »slideaway1 wrote: »But saying that you have to take responsibility for marrying someone who is clearly a dickhead. Surely you knew he was such a *kitten* when you married him.
Real life is so much more complicated. Honestly, I think that this is a pretty horrible thing to say, but I'm going to guess that you are too young to understand why.
ETA: Nope, you are old enough to know better...but you do admit to being stupid in your profile, so let's just go with that.
LMAO!!!0 -
Sweetheart you need to start losing weight... HIM... just think, you are already down however many pounds he weighs. NO ONE has the right to do those things to you & even though I don't know you I do know you deserve better than that.0
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crystal24dawn2015 wrote: »Sweetheart you need to start losing weight... HIM... just think, you are already down however many pounds he weighs. NO ONE has the right to do those things to you & even though I don't know you I do know you deserve better than that.
I agree. From your very tirst post I thought, "The intake you need to manage is HIM!".
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I was in an awful relationship with 7 years invested in it. I didn't want to throw it all away. I felt like I had wasted 7 years of my life if I didn't hang in there.Then a classmate opened my eyes by asking me why do I want to waste another 7 years? I ended it that day, best thing I ever did, it took a few months of sadness, then I reinvented myself because I was free!
You have a great degree behind you, be proud! You don't need anyone right now, take care of yourself. The only good thing he did for you was to tell you to get a law degree, at least now you can escape and make a great living for yourself and find a future loving partner.
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I've been in an abusive relationship before - he manipulated me at every turn, separated me from my friends and reduced my self-esteem to nothing. It took going to counselling, and a couple of aborted attempts, to leave. Things came to a head when he held me down with a piece of broken china to my throat, then proceeded to cut his own arms begging me to come back. It's been 17 years (ugh, I was so young it makes me sick) and I still have nightmares, and see him everywhere I go.
You must leave. You have one life, and one life only. Get out now. Do what you have to. You have a lot of deprogramming to do - you literally need to create new neural pathways in your brain. You can't do that on your own - you must be away from the situation and have professional help.
And realise that every single kind word he says, and every enquiry into how you are while you are separated is designed to control you and bring you back.
He will not change.
He absolutely will not change.0 -
I have been ignoring my husband's texts today. I didn't go meet up with him like he wanted.
I'm taking one day at a time. This is the strongest I have ever been. Have I "officially" left him yet? No. But this is the best I have come to it since the beginning of our relationship. I am trying to build up courage and each and every one of you is helping me find myself again.
I need this time to work on me. I am still weak and clouded with emotions. But I'm trying.
Not looking forward to seeing my old boss sometime this week so she can let me back in the office to collect my stuff.
Oh, and P.S., another lawyer from the firm called me today because she heard the news and said she was shocked and didn't agree with how my boss handled the situation... going into politics and leaving me to do all the work only to let me go when I didn't bill enough to cover all of our salaries. She said many people have worked for her and each time it ended badly. She said she is there to support me and would give me a reference any day (even though I didn't work for her, it is an association of independent law practices and she just shared our office space).
I love you all. I feel so much love from around the world. More love than I have ever felt from him.0 -
Managingintake, you are doing everything right, the steps you are taking to look after yourself are brilliant, you are doing a great job. Keep on keeping on, one step at a time, one day at a time, sometimes even one hour at a time.
You know that you cannot go back. You know this. Do this thing now, not when you're 50 or 60 or worse if you don't make it that far.
He will be becoming unsettled because his control of your life is slipping. Prepare yourself for this. He will try everything to make you surrender. Don't.
Follow the AA steps. Promise yourself you will suspend this relationship for the year it tells you to. It will give you strength and direction. Truly, this is the path to your happiness that you are dreaming of. The one where you come home at night feeling happy and knowing as you close the door you can stay happy all evening. There will be no tension you can cut with a knife, no eggshells to walk on, no fear, no pain, no one telling you what to eat, wear, do, look like, etc. It's your turn now.
And yes you do deserve it. Take it and run xxx0 -
ManagingIntake wrote: »
I'm taking one day at a time. This is the strongest I have ever been. Have I "officially" left him yet? No. But this is the best I have come to it since the beginning of our relationship. I am trying to build up courage and each and every one of you is helping me find myself again.
There's no need to do anything on any timetable other than your own.
My thought about separation was mostly that it would be a good idea to take steps to protect your assets. You're going to need whatever you have to start rebuilding.0 -
ManagingIntake wrote: »P.S. Just as I posted that last message, my husband texted me "how are you doing?".
Why do I have the urge to reply? I won't... But I want to reply with something that will make him feel bad or want to change...
Argh!
Reply with the POSITIVE. You're wonderful, thank you for asking.
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ChristaNorris wrote: »ManagingIntake wrote: »P.S. Just as I posted that last message, my husband texted me "how are you doing?".
Why do I have the urge to reply? I won't... But I want to reply with something that will make him feel bad or want to change...
Argh!
Reply with the POSITIVE. You're wonderful, thank you for asking.
Since she is getting out of a domestic violence situation I don't recommend any contact at all. Has the potential to not end well. In normal situations your advice is pretty good. But this situation is far from normal.0 -
ManagingIntake wrote: »I have been ignoring my husband's texts today. I didn't go meet up with him like he wanted.
I'm taking one day at a time. This is the strongest I have ever been. Have I "officially" left him yet? No. But this is the best I have come to it since the beginning of our relationship. I am trying to build up courage and each and every one of you is helping me find myself again.
I need this time to work on me. I am still weak and clouded with emotions. But I'm trying.
Not looking forward to seeing my old boss sometime this week so she can let me back in the office to collect my stuff.
Oh, and P.S., another lawyer from the firm called me today because she heard the news and said she was shocked and didn't agree with how my boss handled the situation... going into politics and leaving me to do all the work only to let me go when I didn't bill enough to cover all of our salaries. She said many people have worked for her and each time it ended badly. She said she is there to support me and would give me a reference any day (even though I didn't work for her, it is an association of independent law practices and she just shared our office space).
I love you all. I feel so much love from around the world. More love than I have ever felt from him.
Im impressed you are being stronger than you realise.
The reference should give you an understanding that what your boss says is just her version and other people see it differently.
Focus on AA as your priority and then cutting all contact with your husband. let him do it through a 3rd party if he must, but at the moment he is losing his grip over you so it will be getting to him. I understand it will be a difficult choice to make, but given time and feeling better/ less abused will help you see things more clearly and help you see how tocis he is and whats best for you.
You are the priority, so stick at it. You are doing great. Please do not contact him as he wants control back. He wont change and he isnt good for you.
What do your parents/ friends think?
ps Realise that any response to him could be used as an excuse that to set him off. Avoid that risk yntil you know you can deal with his response. For the moment he is unsure and he hasnt realised the game could be changing.0 -
ChristaNorris wrote: »ManagingIntake wrote: »P.S. Just as I posted that last message, my husband texted me "how are you doing?".
Why do I have the urge to reply? I won't... But I want to reply with something that will make him feel bad or want to change...
Argh!
Reply with the POSITIVE. You're wonderful, thank you for asking.
Since she is getting out of a domestic violence situation I don't recommend any contact at all. Has the potential to not end well. In normal situations your advice is pretty good. But this situation is far from normal.
Completely agree, he could turn nasty and decide she is mocking him.
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count ur macros live life be happy get shredded m80
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ManagingIntake wrote: »I have been ignoring my husband's texts today. I didn't go meet up with him like he wanted.
...
Not looking forward to seeing my old boss sometime this week so she can let me back in the office to collect my stuff.
YES!! You saying you are still ignoring him and didn't meet up with him made me smile so much! You are so strong!! Keep going, you're amazing.
You know what? Your boss doesn't matter anymore. Just go and get your things, do the handover stuff and leave because that negativity is no longer a part of your life. You have support from somebody who can give you a good reference so screw your boss, she's lost a good lawyer and her life must be so sad that she needs to treat people like that. You can walk out with your head held high knowing you worked hard and are a better person. I know I said this before but it's great news that you're still not drinking, every hour that goes by where you don't drink or contact your husband is a huge success and I hope you give yourself credit for it. It doesn't matter if you are officially separated or are even considering divorce - that's your timescale and your decision. What IS important is that you're safe, the rest absolutely does not matter right now.
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He's not your husband. He's a pitiful abuser. You say it is not that easy, but it has to be. You cannot stay in such a relationship.
I am VERY proud of your week sobriety. That is an important step, and do not forget to go "one day at a time."0 -
I thought physical abuse was mentioned, and
2) The suggestion was to go there to see if they had classes, etc to help her get her life back together. And I bet they could help her with all the verbal abuse and feelings of worthlessness instilled by this man. Finally there's some hinky financial *kitten* going on that she needs to sort out - all the spending money being from her account and all the savings money being in his account?? You really don't see where this is going??
If he hits her, that's a different story. I don't recall seeing it though.
There may well be some financial exploitation going on, yes. But she's fully aware of it. She spelled it out in this thread. It wasn't hidden from her and she agreed to the terms.
Unless she's developmentally disabled, demented, schizoid or experiencing intermittent psychotic episodes, she's able to make her own decisions. Seriously. If she's declared mentally incompetent then her parents could take custody of her and manage her money. It worked for Brittany Spears. Somehow I doubt she falls into this rather extreme category though.
Also, she said her husband "made" her go to law school. That was nice of him. That's worth a lot of future financial security and is as good as money in the bank. It would probably be a good idea for her to put that proverbial money in her own bank account rather than his, but assuming she's of sound mind, she can do this anytime she wants. The sooner the better, one would think.
There are some real victims in the world yes. But this? I don't think so.
Asking for a flag here, but I can't help it- you are a disgusting human being.
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Asking for a flag here, but I can't help it- you are a disgusting human being.
Might I politely suggest instead say. While I value you as a person and a human being, on this one instance I do not share the same point of view. Here is a flower for you ::flowerforyou::
Otherwise you really are risking getting a warning for posting something not so polite. God Bless. ::flowerforyou::
EDIT: I notice that you did get a flag. I just want to point out that this was not me being in social justice warrior mode!!.0
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