My rock bottom... trying to get out :(

DearestWinter

I know you mentioned calling the crisis line in your original post but wanted to know if there's a local women's shelter? I used to volunteer at one and they provided support beyond housing. Things like counseling and classes. They may be able to provide you with information, resources, and support to help you get away from your husband.

Please don't think you've caused this or are in any way to blame. You did not "let" this happen. Your husband is abusive. That's on him. He is the only one to blame for his behavior.

It's never too late to start over. In five years you could be in an entirely new career and new relationship. You may surprise yourself.

ginny92802

Hey, I am also a lawyer and my first job out of law school sounds exactly like what you have going on. I was so miserable, I used to take walks at lunch and just stand on the freeway overpass looking down at traffic and wishing I could jump. Most miserable I have ever been, in my entire life. Getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to me and probably saved my life. I don't know what I would have done if I also had an abusive husband at home. I hope things improve for you quickly.

Formyownsake

Thanks everyone! I truly have been reading each and every word you all write to me and I have made such good friends on here already.

I am going to another AA meeting in about an hour. Still haven't had a drop since March 28th and I plan never to again.

I am also taking my medication on time now.

I am scared to go to a women's shelter because I refer my clients there sometimes (some of my law practice deals with domestic abuse and I act like I have never been through it). I know the people who work there. I would be so embarrassed to show up to the place that I liaise with. It took me forever to admit I should go to AA because I didn't want any of my clients to see me and spread the word. But I found a "lawyers only" AA group and that's what got me started.

I want so much to quit my job, but without any financial support from my husband (if I can still call him that), it would be hard because I have so many bills. It would take forever to find a new job, because finding first year lawyer jobs are hard where I live. I feel stuck.

But reading all of your comments makes me feel like there might be a light (a teensy tiny light) at the end of the tunnel.

I still don't know what I'm going to do but for now I am concentrating on me and taking one day at a time.

I hate my boss. (sorry... just had to get that out there one more time).

palwithme

Thank God that a**hole of a boss lost the election. Your are a frigging lawyer! You are intelligent, brave, and a great person. Tell that husband of yours to drive his truck off a cliff. You don't need his sh** anymore. You can take care of yourself. Then tell him to take his 30 days of water and give himself an enema that goes straight up to his useless brain. As you can tell, I am pi**ed off for you.

palwithme

ManagingIntake wrote: »

I hate my boss. (sorry... just had to get that out there one more time).

Your boss is the type of person who sees your problems as "weaknesses," because she hates herself and feels the need to be superior to everyone for her own self-esteem. In other words, she is probably a sociopath. But I am not a psychologist so maybe she is just a b****. Whatever her problems personally...she shouldn't take them out on you.

bri170lb

Beautiful.
Kind.
Caring.
Loving.
Trusting.
Strong.
Brave.
Concientious.
Intelligent.
Honest.
NOT PERFECT but still Beautiful.
Kind.
Caring.
Loving.
Kind.
Trusting.
Strong.
Brave.
Conciencious.
Intelligent.
Honest.
Not perfect, but still a very beautiful woman.

I read all of your posts and this is who I see. I didn't
choose random words. Each one relates specifically to something you wrote.

You should look carfully at the people in your life and run to the ones who see the real you, the beautiful woman. Cling to them for support. Be honest so that they can give you wise counsel base on the whole truth.

Take care of you until you truly feel whole no matter what it takes. You can't change you husband or your boss, but you can take care of youself. When you are healthy and whole your world will work itself out.

You have already take so many positive steps in your life. A critically important next step is to shield yourself from this abuse. Your husband and your boss are abusing you. Allowing that abuse in your life is self abuse. You deserve more.

You deserve peace.
You deserve unconditional love.
You deserve happiness.

bri170lb

I don't know your religion or even if God is part of your life, but I believe that you don't have to know God for God to know you. ..

This is who you are...

For you created my inner most being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was formed in the secret place.
Psalm 139 verses 13-15.

You are exactly the person you were meant to be and you were WONDERFULLY MADE!

YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL SCULPTURE CREATED BY THE HANDS OF GOD! Take care of yourself because you are precious, unique and priceless.

This is what you should do...

Whatever is true, whatever is nobel, what ever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.
Phillipines 4 verse 8

Find these things in yourself. Surround yourself with these things. Seek others who see these things in you. I can see so many positive qualities in you and I barely know you.! I'm sure you will find them in yourself when you start to look!

Sister, you are stunningly beautiful.

crystalflame

I was with a guy for 4 years who verbally abused me and told me how unattractive I was. I developed bulimia, and I stayed with him. I lost weight. He didn't love me more for it. I thought about breaking up, but I I was afraid of how I'd pay the bills, if I could afford furniture once he took everything that belonged to him, how my family would react. I was worried no one else would ever love me - not that he loved me, he just loved controlling me. But never once did I worry about what would happen to him. I wanted him gone so badly, I just couldn't figure how to get out.

Once I did leave, I figured out the money. My family was 100% supportive of my decision because they love me much, much more than they ever loved him. And I'm now married to a man I adore, who adores me, who treats me like a queen. Who empowers me. Who brings out the best in me and allows me to bring out the best in him.

All of this to say: leave your husband. He is destroying you. What kind of person denies someone he claims to love important medication, forces you to get an education and job you hate so he can stay at home and be a bum, insult you, hit you, and shatter your self-esteem? You should feel empowered by someone who loves you, not shackled. Leave him, leave him, leave him.

I wish I could tell you to leave your job as emphatically, but we have to pay rent somehow. Do what you have to do to make it. Keep going to counseling, hopefully you'll get to a place where you have the energy and will to find a better job in a less hostile environment. You can do this, you can. And you NEED to do this, you're worth it. You are too valuable as a person to waste away like this.

Awesome, awesome job on staying sober. That's tough. Look how strong you are for sticking to it!

crystalflame

I was with a guy for 4 years who verbally abused me and told me how unattractive I was. I developed bulimia, and I stayed with him. I lost weight. He didn't love me more for it. I thought about breaking up, but I I was afraid of how I'd pay the bills, if I could afford furniture once he took everything that belonged to him, how my family would react. I was worried no one else would ever love me - not that he loved me, he just loved controlling me. But never once did I worry about what would happen to him. I wanted him gone so badly, I just couldn't figure how to get out.

Once I did leave, I figured out the money. My family was 100% supportive of my decision because they love me much, much more than they ever loved him. And I'm now married to a man I adore, who adores me, who treats me like a queen. Who empowers me. Who brings out the best in me and allows me to bring out the best in him.

All of this to say: leave your husband. He is destroying you. What kind of person denies someone he claims to love important medication, forces you to get an education and job you hate so he can stay at home and be a bum, insult you, hit you, and shatter your self-esteem? You should feel empowered by someone who loves you, not shackled. Leave him, leave him, leave him.

I wish I could tell you to leave your job as emphatically, but we have to pay rent somehow. Do what you have to do to make it. Keep going to counseling, hopefully you'll get to a place where you have the energy and will to find a better job in a less hostile environment. You can do this, you can. And you NEED to do this, you're worth it. You are too valuable as a person to waste away like this.

Awesome, awesome job on staying sober. That's tough. Look how strong you are for sticking to it!

Formyownsake

Thanks again everyone. I am overwhelmed by how much support I am getting!

I had a nervous breakdown this morning but I'm breathing again now.

BZAH10

ManagingIntake wrote: »

Thanks again everyone. I am overwhelmed by how much support I am getting!

I had a nervous breakdown this morning but I'm breathing again now.

I'm sorry! You ARE doing all the right things right now, so just keep keeping on! You will have good days and bad. Those are expected. But you've survived this long. You will continue to survive and THRIVE.

I am overwhelmed by the responses on this thread. So heartfelt. So caring. Way too many of us having gone through similar things. Really glad you reached out here, Managingintake!

BZAH10

Oh, and one more thing: you said you became a lawyer and didn't even want to. Do you know how amazing that is? I know of 2 people right now who have dreamt of becoming lawyers for a long time and both are on their 3rd attempts at passing the bar. Yet, you did it and it wasn't even your passion!

IDK, I just think that speaks volumes for your inner strength. To me, it seems like it has been screaming to get out and take charge and I hope you let it.

palwithme

ManagingIntake wrote: »

Thanks again everyone. I am overwhelmed by how much support I am getting!

I had a nervous breakdown this morning but I'm breathing again now.

It's crazy people like your boss and your husband that give the sane people a nervous breakdown.

BZAH10

Well, look at you! I see we have an update:

My Inspirations
My health
Myself (happiness)
The MFP community
My career
Fantastic!

(I should have checked this first and organized my thoughts before posting 3 separate posts - sorry.)

sofaking6

Hi OP!

I kept getting memory jogs from your posts but couldn't put my finger on it; I just remembered now what all of this is reminding me of:

Even though I would never say I've been abused, I have an ex who was hugely narcissistic and I was saying to someone, "he makes me feel like I'm crazy and like either we are living two different realities or I have the worst memory ever" and she was like "yup gaslighting". I felt so much anxiety and depression over it, but the second I realized what was going on I was able to see the truth all over the place.

This is a bit long (bc it has a lot of details and examples) but if you set aside a little time and read through it, maybe it will seem familiar to you.


http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

palwithme

sofaking6 wrote: »

Hi OP!

I kept getting memory jogs from your posts but couldn't put my finger on it; I just remembered now what all of this is reminding me of:

Even though I would never say I've been abused, I have an ex who was hugely narcissistic and I was saying to someone, "he makes me feel like I'm crazy and like either we are living two different realities or I have the worst memory ever" and she was like "yup gaslighting". I felt so much anxiety and depression over it, but the second I realized what was going on I was able to see the truth all over the place.

This is a bit long (bc it has a lot of details and examples) but if you set aside a little time and read through it, maybe it will seem familiar to you.


http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

Very interesting! Thanks for posting.

jcook0716

Uh. NEVER go back.A new (hard) start is better than a living hell.. LOSE the things that bring you down and eventually the weight will come off too. Look in the mirror and find things about yourself that you like... Get rid of the negative things in your life, ESPECIALLY HIM. He doesn't deserve you or any other human in his life for that matter. Someone that talks to you like that (or wants you to starve yourself) doesn't love you! Love yourself first and then you find someone who loves you the way it's meant to be.

cocogoddess79

I'm late and nor sure how you are doing, but although my ex didn't physically abuse me, he justified making profiles on hook up sites and porn because I gained weight. Regardless of the fact that we had two kids back to back with both being csections. Anyone who has ever had one knows how hard it is to get those muscles back toned if they ever go back. I have never been a small woman, but still. Emotionally he was very abusice. Told he he wasn't attracted to me anymore. It hurt, bad. Six years with someone, two children and for three of those years he was umemployed. He didn't cook, clean or anything. He had health issues and regardless of how he treated me, I was there. Every appt, everytime he needed me, I was there. Supposed him financially, spiritually, and emotionally. He tore me down. It was hard to get out. But, you become stronger each day. You start healing. There is no greater joy than having peace in your heart. You got this.

sofaking6

palwithme wrote: »

sofaking6 wrote: »

Hi OP!

I kept getting memory jogs from your posts but couldn't put my finger on it; I just remembered now what all of this is reminding me of:

Even though I would never say I've been abused, I have an ex who was hugely narcissistic and I was saying to someone, "he makes me feel like I'm crazy and like either we are living two different realities or I have the worst memory ever" and she was like "yup gaslighting". I felt so much anxiety and depression over it, but the second I realized what was going on I was able to see the truth all over the place.

This is a bit long (bc it has a lot of details and examples) but if you set aside a little time and read through it, maybe it will seem familiar to you.


http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

Very interesting! Thanks for posting.

It still amazes me how quick I was to accept that I was wrong, instead of having it ever occur to me that he might just be lying. I would be *so* confused and yet the thought never once crossed my mind. And I remember how much anxiety it caused me, how much every decision started to seem impossible to make and every little task seemed like it would be so hard. But that was just because I was doubting my own mind. And once I saw it, it stopped working.

I guess for most of us who are not sociopathic, it would never occur to us to do something like that so it doesn't occur to us that someone else would be doing it to us!

Formyownsake

Hello all my supportive friends. I am so happy that you have all shared your stories and have given me some great advice.

As I posted earlier, I had a nervous breakdown this morning (after an early morning "lawyers only" AA meeting).

Then my boss asked me out for lunch, which was weird, because she is never that nice and has been so mean to me and demanding. Although I admit my previous drinking may have affected the quality of my work, I was still doing my best and billing way over what a first year lawyer typically bills.

On top of my husband troubles, I have said many times on here that I really do not like my job (mostly because of my boss) and I never wanted to go to law school in the first place, but my husband forced me to.

Anyway, my boss took me to Denny's and after some small chat about some files I'm working on (I was trying to give as many details as I could so she could for once say, "thanks for all your hard work while I was trying to run for Office").

Instead, she fired me.

She said she can't afford me at the rate I am billing. She left for 3 months and expected me to do my work, her work, and without any Assistants because she took them all to help her with her campaign. It was literally impossible to carry her business as a first year lawyer and make all the money to pay out 6 salaries plus overhead. So it was more like a "lay off" she said, but it hurt so bad.

Now I have no job on top of everything that's going on. Part (a teeny weeny part) of me feels freed from her bossiness, but the whole of me thinking:

Now I lost:

- My husband (probably)
- My car from a car crash two weeks ago
- My job
- My health
- My sanity
- My life.

The only thing going for me is the fact I have been sober for 2 weeks. Something like getting fired would make me drink my self into a coma before, but somehow I am holding on with not drinking.

Still living with my parents.

Life's a *kitten* sometimes but why is this all happening at once?

I love each and every one of you and to be quite honest, this MFP community is where I flee to for support now. You all, and AA.