My rock bottom... trying to get out :(

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  • palwithme
    palwithme Posts: 860 Member
    Also, forgot to add, alcohol is a depressant. I quit drinking alcohol and feel SOOO much better. That's probably why your thoughts have left. Also, you have left your abusers so that has got to help somewhat. Maybe you can write a letter to your husband? Spell out very clearly that you don't think his behavior (or whatever you want to call it) is normal? acceptable? I don't know the right word exactly. Be specific about the 30 days with only water comment. Writing a letter allows you to stay in control of the conversation. But, like I said before, I hate to give advice since I am not an expert in this area.
  • palwithme
    palwithme Posts: 860 Member
    ManagingIntake wrote: »

    I don't understand. I know I'm not there to see/listen to what my husband is doing, but how can he just act like this is nothing and everything is going to go back to normal? How is he not focusing on the fact that I am living with my parents because of him?? How does he not understand how serious this situation is on our relationship?

    Because, in his mind, he is still in control of you. He is in control of the relationship. His reality is completely different than yours. Just my opinion.
  • Formyownsake
    Formyownsake Posts: 88 Member
    Thanks palwithme. And 999tiger, I am in Canada.
  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
    I'm curious. He "saves" his money. You spend your earnings on the bills. Do you have access to the savings? Is your name on the account? I highly recommend getting documentation of what the account balance was when you left (directly from the bank).

    This is such a toxic relationship. I hope you are starting to see that. And personally I think you should see an attorney just to review your options regarding everything. Reviewing options is never a bad thing.

    And stop texting him please. :). Find someone to talk to when you need to. You are keeping the cord attached to him. And don't think he doesn't know it. He wants you to get lower and lower in your confidence then come grovel back to him.
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
    Is there any chance you can talk to a refuge?

    http://www.hotpeachpages.net/canada/

    http://endvaw.ca/get-help

    http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/sfv-avf/services-eng.php

    You need to speak to people who have the experience and can help you see how your situation works.
  • softblondechick
    softblondechick Posts: 1,276 Member
    Wow.

    You are lucky to have so much education, resources, and a family you can stay with. Amazing.

    I left an abusive spouse with two kids, a high school degree, no family. Went to a shelter.

    Start a gratitude journal. Your have a lot to be thankful for. That may help you.
  • Formyownsake
    Formyownsake Posts: 88 Member
    zacknana, we kept separate bank accounts. Our deal was I would pay for most of the bills, and he would pay for the down payment on our new house. My name is not on his account but I'm sure I can get documentation through mandatory financial disclosure if we go through a divorce (the one thing about my last job is I did a lot of family law, so I know I have rights), but you're right, I may want to talk to a family law lawyer even though I am/was one myself.

    P.S. I hated practicing family law. Too depressing.

    999tiger, thank you for the links.

    softblonde and new meadow, that's a great idea. A lawyer I met in AA actually recommended that. I have started a journal just to write down some of my thoughts and what I'm going through, but I should start a "gratitude" journal as well.

    Thank you softblonde for sharing your story. It helps to hear I am not alone.
  • sengalissa
    sengalissa Posts: 253 Member
    ManagingIntake wrote: »
    zacknana, we kept separate bank accounts. Our deal was I would pay for most of the bills, and he would pay for the down payment on our new house. My name is not on his account but I'm sure I can get documentation through mandatory financial disclosure if we go through a divorce (the one thing about my last job is I did a lot of family law, so I know I have rights), but you're right, I may want to talk to a family law lawyer even though I am/was one myself.

    P.S. I hated practicing family law. Too depressing.

    999tiger, thank you for the links.

    softblonde and new meadow, that's a great idea. A lawyer I met in AA actually recommended that. I have started a journal just to write down some of my thoughts and what I'm going through, but I should start a "gratitude" journal as well.

    Thank you softblonde for sharing your story. It helps to hear I am not alone.

    He certainly did not expect that making you a lawyer might backfire some day :)

    I feel like you are getting more and more used to the thought that you will go seperate ways, is that right? It seemed awkward to you that he was still taking you for granted while you are actually starting to break out. You are thinking about finances. And looking at your own situation through your professional lense. I see you still struggeling but breaking free.
    I think this is a control/power thing. Alcohol controlled you. Now you are controlling it. And you will be able to control food. And your professional life.
    Maybe you could read about goal setting. It would help you get some ground under your feet because you are afraid of the big emptiness and uncertainty in your life. Set some goals (doable goals that you have control over, like "I am going to look through job offers for 1h/day" which you can do instead of "I am going to find a job within 2 months" which you cannot control) and work your way through. I have an app where I check off at night what I accomplished. It helps you stay focused on what you really value and want.
  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
    ManagingIntake wrote: »
    zacknana, we kept separate bank accounts. Our deal was I would pay for most of the bills, and he would pay for the down payment on our new house. My name is not on his account but I'm sure I can get documentation through mandatory financial disclosure if we go through a divorce (the one thing about my last job is I did a lot of family law, so I know I have rights), but you're right, I may want to talk to a family law lawyer even though I am/was one myself.

    P.S. I hated practicing family law. Too depressing.

    999tiger, thank you for the links.

    softblonde and new meadow, that's a great idea. A lawyer I met in AA actually recommended that. I have started a journal just to write down some of my thoughts and what I'm going through, but I should start a "gratitude" journal as well.

    Thank you softblonde for sharing your story. It helps to hear I am not alone.

    Something tells me a guy who has his wife pay the bills then puts "his" funds into a savings account without her name on the account isn't going to hesitate to remove those funds and spend them.

    Please talk to an attorney and share your full story and protect yourself. You may be the best attorney in the world but you will give YOURSELF pretty bad advice. Oh. That's a good point. If a woman came to you, as an attorney, with this story - what would you tell her to do?
  • azulvioleta6
    azulvioleta6 Posts: 4,196 Member
    edited April 2015
    slideaway1 wrote: »
    But saying that you have to take responsibility for marrying someone who is clearly a dickhead. Surely you knew he was such a *kitten* when you married him.

    Real life is so much more complicated. Honestly, I think that this is a pretty horrible thing to say, but I'm going to guess that you are too young to understand why.

    ETA: Nope, you are old enough to know better...but you do admit to being stupid in your profile, so let's just go with that.
  • Formyownsake
    Formyownsake Posts: 88 Member
    I love you all. I like the idea of setting achievable goals like you said sengalissa...

    And you're right, I'm starting to think through a professional lens but I'm still struggling with the idea of breaking free. I appreciate everyone who is saying "leave him now", but it's so hard to imagine such a big change. (Please don't get mad at me for not jumping to the idea of leaving him... it's just so difficult).

    In fact, I was just PM'ing with one of my MFP friends about a question I had, and I want to ask it here too, to see if anyone has any advice. I'm actually going to copy and paste my question:

    The last time I went to my psychologist, he came. He came because he found out about my drinking (when I was in my car accident and he came to get me, he found an empty mickey of vodka under my seat because that's where I hid them) and he wanted to "make sure" my psychologist knew about the drinking. I have been asking him to come since I started seeing her in December, but he never cared to. But when he did come, it was more to control and make sure I was telling the truth to someone rather than to come as a support system and maybe work on our marriage. In fact, when we left, he said he felt like he was being bashed for how he treats me and he feels justified in how he treats me. The psychologist told us to have a conversation about reactions and responses, and he has refused to have that conversation. The ONE thing he did learn, and has said he now understands, is how to "separate the person from the person's behaviour" i.e., my drinking isn't who I am (WAS... since I don't drink anymore, two weeks sober), but how I was behaving. He also wants me to think about his abuse as not who he is, but how is is behaving. Hmmmm...

    Aaaanyway, where I was getting with this is the next appointment is on Wednesday and in order for me to continue getting free psychology appointments through the Law Society, because my hours are almost up, my psychologist said he should continue coming and she can put it under him for hours (because our family members also get free psychology appointments to a maximum of certain hours). I don't know if he remembers the appointment time or date. We were still "together" i.e., he hadn't kicked me out at the time we had our last appointment, and I just put it in my own calendar. I wonder if I should remind him? If he should come? If he will just show up? I kind of want him to be there so he can hear me tell the psychologist what I am feeling without lashing out (because he wouldn't do it in front of someone else), but I also have a part of me that wants to talk to her alone for a session before he comes. Not sure what to do.

    Thoughts?

    I am sorry I am not as strong as I should be right now. I am trying...
  • Formyownsake
    Formyownsake Posts: 88 Member
    P.S. Just as I posted that last message, my husband texted me "how are you doing?".

    Why do I have the urge to reply? I won't... But I want to reply with something that will make him feel bad or want to change...

    Argh!
  • azulvioleta6
    azulvioleta6 Posts: 4,196 Member
    ManagingIntake, I am late to the thread but just wanted to send you good wishes.

    I am about your height and 190 is my goal weight. I am 20 pounds above that now still get lots of positive attention for my body. Unless you have an extremely tiny frame size, your husband is WAY off base. His feelings have to do with control and may not be a valid reflection on your weight or looks in any way.

    Being here and tracking is a good idea, but as a support to getting healthier and not necessarily for weight loss.

    It sounds like anxiety, and self-medicating for anxiety, are at the root of all of your challenges. In your position, I would work on getting that under control before anything else.

    Sure you have wasted a lot of your life in a bad relationship...but if you go back, you will only be wasting MORE.
  • crystalflame
    crystalflame Posts: 1,049 Member
    ManagingIntake wrote: »
    P.S. Just as I posted that last message, my husband texted me "how are you doing?".

    Why do I have the urge to reply? I won't... But I want to reply with something that will make him feel bad or want to change...

    Argh!

    There are things about him you love. You fell in love with him for a reason, and you haven't left him because from time to time you still see the things you love. You want to change him so you'll have the man you fell in love with AND a man who treats you right, and you won't have to go through a massive life overhaul. If he would just be kind and loving, everything would be perfect. But he's not going to. If anything, you've made it sound like he's gotten worse over time.

    I really think you should go to therapy alone. Your life has changed in a HUGE way since your last appointment, and I think it's important you talk with your psych about the things you've been talking to us about. It will help you put your feelings in clearer perspective, and it may help you develop a plan of action.
  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
    crystalflame wrote: »
    ManagingIntake wrote: »
    P.S. Just as I posted that last message, my husband texted me "how are you doing?".

    Why do I have the urge to reply? I won't... But I want to reply with something that will make him feel bad or want to change...

    Argh!

    There are things about him you love. You fell in love with him for a reason, and you haven't left him because from time to time you still see the things you love. You want to change him so you'll have the man you fell in love with AND a man who treats you right, and you won't have to go through a massive life overhaul. If he would just be kind and loving, everything would be perfect. But he's not going to. If anything, you've made it sound like he's gotten worse over time.

    I really think you should go to therapy alone. Your life has changed in a HUGE way since your last appointment, and I think it's important you talk with your psych about the things you've been talking to us about. It will help you put your feelings in clearer perspective, and it may help you develop a plan of action.

    YES. X100. Don't worry about the more free sessions. WORRY ABOUT YOU. You are worth sooo much more than what you have been given and it's going to take time for you to fully realize it. And he should be asking you to come back any time now. He won't want you out of his control long. Please stay where you are while you figure this out.
  • Sandcastles61
    Sandcastles61 Posts: 506 Member
    YES...., go to the appointment alone this time. :)
  • zacksnana
    zacksnana Posts: 3,230 Member
    ManagingIntake wrote: »
    P.S. Just as I posted that last message, my husband texted me "how are you doing?".

    Why do I have the urge to reply? I won't... But I want to reply with something that will make him feel bad or want to change...

    Argh!

    You can't make him change any more than you can make a snake not want to strike. He is what he is. I'm sure you've cried and begged him to love you and not hurt you in the past. He didn't change. He isn't going to change. You can do what he wants and ACCEPT him as he is BUT you can accept it and move on with your life without him. I divorced my ex and had 2 small children. I know why you say it's hard. But a few months down the road you will be HAPPY again. Life can be good - if you let it.
  • glutenfreechic
    glutenfreechic Posts: 57 Member
    I would consider calling your psychologist and discussing this situation with her. That way whatever happens she is already aware and has a chance to work out some solutions that might help.
    I can't really think of anyone better suited to guiding you on this one but her.

    I feel it would help you immensely if you were able to access some counseling, just for yourself, on a regular basis. Is this a possibility for you? Through AA, law society, counseling helplines, women's refuge centre, or anywhere reputable you can think of. Building your inner strength right now is so important and with the right support will help you so much.

    Zacksnana said stop texting him, and i agree. If there is never a response he will stop bothering, I did this myself and it was effective. However, keep the texts he sends you, and any other correspondence. You never know when you might need that kind of thing in the future, however unpleasant that sounds right now. Lol. look at me saying this to a lawyer haha.

    I also agree with zacksnana on another point, which was to think of your own situation as a work case. Exactly what would you say as a lawyer? What would you advise this woman to do? Write yourself a letter in legal speak detailing this advice. Go out and mail it to yourself if you have to. Do whatever you need to do to see your own situation clearly and in perspective.

    In time you will realise just how strong and amazing a woman you are. We can see that in you already
  • glutenfreechic
    glutenfreechic Posts: 57 Member
    One more thing. i stayed and stayed and stayed in a terrible relationship because 'i loved him'. With the benefit of hindsight, i came to realise that love on it's own is not enough to sustain a decent relationship. There are many other essential components to a sustainable and lasting (loving ) relationship. So if you're hesitant to move on because you feel still love him, I'm very gently saying to you, it's not enough.
  • jdm1726
    jdm1726 Posts: 53 Member
    I am an emergency dispatcher with the police. I have talked to lots of abused women who stay in a relationship with someone who is verbally and physically abusive for different reasons, the kids, wanting to 'work it out'.... My advice to you....it may be hard...but leave...a lot of abusers will escalate in their violence. I just finished talking to a lady who was choked in front of her children. Leave...before he kills you.

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