My rock bottom... trying to get out :(

Formyownsake

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the support flowing through this discussion!

Today I went back home to pack a suitcase while my husband was in the shower so that I have more stuff to live with at my parents.

You have all made me believe (slightly) for the first time, that I might be better than I project myself to be. I just have such low confidence from years of this abuse, and I think it takes confidence to get out, which I don't quite have yet, but all of you are helping me see the light.

I would love if he could admit his problems and get anger management courses or therapy for himself. There's a part of me that believes he can change. But... can he? I think only if he wants to. But he is SO set in his ways and is very clear about his expectations of me and the standards I need to live up to, that I am scared he won't want to change because he thinks he way is the only way.

I mean he even tells me how to breath. How to sit, how to shower, how to do my makeup, what not to eat (i.e., everything... he wants me to have just water for 30 days and see how that goes). He has formed a lot of who I am. But I do not like who I have become.

I'm still not ready to think about Divorce seriously, but for the first time, I am thinking of it lightly in the back of my mind.

Still... scared.

jenncornelsen

The fact your considering it is awesome. Give it time. This break could be exactly what u need. Take a moment to think what u and only u really want out of life. What u could achieve. U are obviously smart and dedicated. Ill keep u in my thoughts,
Jenn

MinxyNZ

I left my partner of 8 years who didn't ridicule me for being overweight but was physical sometimes (anger issues) and cheated on me constantly during our relationship. Two years on, it was the bravest thing I ever have done and the most amazing. Sure, I had my bluesy days, but the good feelings from being free from him win every single time.

Take this time apart to learn to love yourself, make positive changes for yourself (cut back on the drinking), try get out and enjoy the fresh air, talk talk talk (getting your feelings out in a constructive way helps! - something which took me a long time to do, but once I started it released me).

Work on building back up that confidence that that man tore down. You do not need to live up to his expectations, especially when he isn't living up to yours (being a loving supportive husband).

If losing weight is your goal, do it for yourself never for a man.

Soon you will realize how destructive and toxic that relationship is / was, and how YOU ARE WORTH so much more than that.

Be strong xo

palwithme

So sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation. About ten months ago I stopped the alcohol and started dieting and working out. Guess what? It didn't help the marriage. Focusing on myself so much put an even greater strain on it. Why? I refuse to fix all of his problems any longer. We are working on it but I still don't know what to do. There are kids involved so I feel I should sacrifice my happiness for their stability. He is always angry with me and I just shut up so he doesn't go off in front of the kids. I am starting to realize I don't need to deal with all of his crap. It is a long process. The good news is the healthier I get physically the stronger I am emotionally. I see him for what he is - a control freak who never grew up. My advice is to forget about him and focus on yourself for now. If you don't want to lose weight then don't. You will never make him happy. Hugs to you.

sculptcha

i can't offer much in the way of relationship advice. You had to have known before you even posted what sorts of replies you would get. YOU have the power: to either change your situation, or to simply endure an existence you can't stand. i wish you the best, and hope you take your life back.

what i can offer is support in your fitness goals! feel free to add.

999tigger

I was thinking about this whilst at the gym. Youve made some great steps like going to AA and reaching out to the helpline. It's difficult for you to be completely objective about your situation and analyse it effectively. Its important you continue with the therapy.

I dont think the weight loss is an issue really. You can lose 35lbs if you put your mind to it, its pretty straightforward, but not at the unrealistic rate of 5lb a week.

Your husband has done you a favour by kicking you out as you can now have some refuge with your parents and away from him.

The important things I think are your mental wellbeing, keep up with the therapy, survive for the moment and later on you can get back to rebuilding yourself. Also staying off the alcohol, it gets in the way of you having a clear mind and being able to work out your solution. Keep up with AA, it was nice of your colleague to take you. A reminder to you that there are nice people in the world.

Dont worry about the job, its not that importnat and you can resume your career elsewhere if need be.
I'm sure everyones pointed it out but the issue is the husband and why you let one person rule your life and inflict such mental misery on you. It seems there are cultural implications which are difficult to ignore, but hinestly your huband will not change the person who he is, which means a lifetime of what you have already experienced plus worse. On that basis, no matter how scary Id suggest you need to get out as it offer you hope. Every woman ive helped escape a marriage has never regretted being put back in charge of their own life as they had hope.

Have you talked to your parents or anyone you cna trust who knows your personal / cultural situation about what they think about divorce. Would your parents stand by you? Do they know how abusive he is?

Please keep up the AA and hopefully you will reach a position where you cna get enough courage to leave. Once you make the decision, then make an escape plan so it goes smoothly and you are ready for eventualities.

The diet and losing weight I thinks a side issue, do it when you have dealt with some of these more importnat matters.

I hope you succeed, be brave and take care.

Ps he wont change his nature no matter how much you lose. he just sounds like a plain old controlling abusive bully.

glutenfreechic

ManagingIntake wrote: »

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the support flowing through this discussion!

Today I went back home to pack a suitcase while my husband was in the shower so that I have more stuff to live with at my parents.

You have all made me believe (slightly) for the first time, that I might be better than I project myself to be. I just have such low confidence from years of this abuse, and I think it takes confidence to get out, which I don't quite have yet, but all of you are helping me see the light.

I would love if he could admit his problems and get anger management courses or therapy for himself. There's a part of me that believes he can change. But... can he? I think only if he wants to. But he is SO set in his ways and is very clear about his expectations of me and the standards I need to live up to, that I am scared he won't want to change because he thinks he way is the only way.

I mean he even tells me how to breath. How to sit, how to shower, how to do my makeup, what not to eat (i.e., everything... he wants me to have just water for 30 days and see how that goes). He has formed a lot of who I am. But I do not like who I have become.

I'm still not ready to think about Divorce seriously, but for the first time, I am thinking of it lightly in the back of my mind.

Still... scared.

Good for you Managingintake! I'm so glad to hear this.

i feel that these issues he is hassling you on are not weight related, they are about control. Google 'the power and control wheel'. Sit back, take a breath, read it and give yourself a break. I read this myself years back at the direction of my counselor and was floored at the similarities i saw in my own situation. It really opened my eyes and gave me perspective.

Go you!

Meeezonajourney

ManagingIntake wrote: »

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the support flowing through this discussion!

Today I went back home to pack a suitcase while my husband was in the shower so that I have more stuff to live with at my parents.

You have all made me believe (slightly) for the first time, that I might be better than I project myself to be. I just have such low confidence from years of this abuse, and I think it takes confidence to get out, which I don't quite have yet, but all of you are helping me see the light.

I would love if he could admit his problems and get anger management courses or therapy for himself. There's a part of me that believes he can change. But... can he? I think only if he wants to. But he is SO set in his ways and is very clear about his expectations of me and the standards I need to live up to, that I am scared he won't want to change because he thinks he way is the only way.

I mean he even tells me how to breath. How to sit, how to shower, how to do my makeup, what not to eat (i.e., everything... he wants me to have just water for 30 days and see how that goes). He has formed a lot of who I am. But I do not like who I have become.

I'm still not ready to think about Divorce seriously, but for the first time, I am thinking of it lightly in the back of my mind.

Still... scared.

I left my insane controlling abusive husband while unemployed. All I had was my clothes and my dogs. I moved in with a friend, went back to school, and now I have an amazing job and I own my own house. I felt like a failure for half my life because of how he treated me. The point being HALF MY LIFE!!! I allowed that to happen but now I'll never look back. Life is fabulous and I have the other half my life to live on my terms. I'm not trying to preach but don't be a victim of circumstances! You can do this and don't let anyone tell you differently. Those who look down on you or blame you have never been in your shoes. Do this for yourself...you deserve it

Formyownsake

Thanks glutenfreechic, I Google'd the power and control wheel and it almost describes everything! I want him to see it so he can see what I see. I actually went through and highlighted all the applicable items and the whole wheel looks yellow all over now.

He actually thinks, deep down, that he does not have any problems, he is justified for acting the way he does, and that I am the cause of his abuse. He refuses to admit that he has anger issues. I am doing everything in my power to get better, and in order to do som I had to determine I had a problem and I wanted to get better (intention).

I wish he would do the same.

Thanks also Gnulie for sharing your story. I don't want to be a victim of circumstances...

Everyone's comments are getting me through the day. Knowing that I have all these wonderful supporters really seems to help.

Smallc10

You need to think about it this way as well - you don't want to throw away the first half of your life by getting a divorce, but do you want to throw away the second half of your life by being miserable in a controlling and abusive relationship? Don't you deserve to be happy, or at least have a chance to figure out who you are??

Just food for thought. Good luck! and be careful!

MysticalT

I think your husband knows what his issues are, it's just easier to beat you up emotionally than deal with any of it.

I had an abusive partner for 13 years, he constantly told me that I was worthless, fat, ugly and that no-one would ever want me. To this day no-one knows the full story of how he treated me except my current partner and even that has taken 5 years.

It's very easy for people to say, leave him, you can do better but it's your marriage. You have built a life and I understand that it is very difficult to imagine another life without him in it. Do you feel that if you leave him you have somehow failed? I know I did. I was also scared that the truth would come out about how our relationship really was and it was easier to stay.

The one thing I am not going to tell you to do is leave. It's a very easy thing to say and right now you sound convinced that you can save him somehow, make him change. In all honestly, you can't make him change. His behaviour towards you is not about you at all but whilst he's beating you down he feels better about himself, it's easier for him to blame you than to blame himself. You have to be ready to leave and build a life for yourself but please do believe that it is possible and people will support you, you don't have to move on alone.

Nothing about him will change. You need to lose weight for yourself, not for him. Him kicking you out has given you an opportunity, opened a door for you to be you. Use the time to discover who you are and where you want your life to be in a few years time. Can you really get there with him in your life?

In the last five years I trained, got a job, moved up the career ladder and created a far better home and life. Other than my weight issues I am happy, I have a future without being shouted out, called names, put down and made to feel worthless.

My ex partner moved on eventually, had another child and left me alone. You can live your own life too, when you are ready. I went back a couple of times, things just get worse. If he can't love you the way you are then he doesn't really love you at all but there are clearly people around you that do.

Keep on with the AA etc, they are about you and for you. Now you are with your parents you have more control over your own life, use that control to do things for you.

The first few steps have been made towards your future, keep climbing .

LKArgh

You are thinking that you somehow can change him. If only he could see his errors, if he admitted he had a problem, if you had not invested that much in this relationship. It does not work this way. You need help for yourself, to take control of your life. He is who he is. He will not change.
I do not think you are ready to leave him. So work on yourself. Look into support groups for abused women, they can listen and share their stories.
I hope you have no kids. And that you are on triple birth control while staying with him. I have been the child in a family like yours, have met others growing up like this. It is not pretty.

Nataliegetfit

You need to work on bettering yourself, no drinking, continue AA and seeing professional help. Living with your parents is great. All of your friends and family wouldn't want to see you being treated that way, if they knew they would want you out of the marriage and away from this guy forever. I hope you don't have children with this man. Can you imagine how he would treat them, if he treats you this badly. You can't change a man to treat you with love and respect, either they do or don't. Yours doesn't. You would be smart to get out, stay out, and stay away from people like this. A relationship shouldn't be that hard. You say you have put so much time and effort into it, it shouldn't be that hard, You need to do what's best for you. This is a abusive relationship, and your parents know it, and obviously don't like him because they don't want you abused. I hope and pray you get out, stay out, and recognize the abuse right away from future realtionships and avoid it like the plague. You need to start doing things you like, not what someone else decided would be a good job for you. Reclaim your life for you, do things for you, never for someone's approval. I feel bad you have been treated like this. No one should ever.

TammyMB69

Nothing I say will make things right .or change the way things are in your life, I can say please don't give up just remember the choices we make today are the choices we live with tomorrow. Hugs and hope things get better in your life. You are beautiful smart and important.

rambabean

ManagingIntake wrote: »

I will stay with my parents for a while. One thing about leaving that frightens me is telling my friends and extended family. They all love him and they do not know how he treats me. I would feel so ashamed for covering it up for so long. All the gifts they gave us as a married couple. All the cards, the conversations... all a lie. (?). It's too scary for me to think about such a big change.

Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my post and reply with such thoughtful comments.

My cousin was married to an abusive man and we had no idea until she left him, we thought he was a great guy, the wedding was a fantastic party and he was always welcome to family events. But when we found out it didn't even occur to us to think she was cheeky for having the wedding presents we just supported her.

And later when we talked about it there were so many times we had all noticed something a little bit odd about their relationship and about how much she had changed, but had almost ignored ourselves and dismissed it. I bet your extended friends and extended family will be the same and once they have processed it go "well I never liked him anyway"!

celsner

My mother in law was shot in the head by an abusive boyfriend when she tried to leave. It will only escalate and get worse. It won't get better and you CAN leave. Do you think my mother in law would have said 20 years later that "it's not the easy!" If she had known going in to confront him on last time would make her two young teenage boys live the rest of their lives without a mom??! No,that is what isn't easy. Leave for your parents. They obviously love you so much! Find a local support group in your area. They help hide women in a safe place during the transition out. When you do decide to leave, take everything with you or leave it. Don't go back in. He is dangerous. Abusive. Manipulative. This relationship is toxic to your health. You can't make poison into a peach.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-abused-and-battered-women.htm

palwithme

ManagingIntake wrote: »

I will stay with my parents for a while. One thing about leaving that frightens me is telling my friends and extended family. They all love him and they do not know how he treats me. I would feel so ashamed for covering it up for so long. All the gifts they gave us as a married couple. All the cards, the conversations... all a lie. (?). It's too scary for me to think about such a big change.

Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my post and reply with such thoughtful comments.

One thing you have to do (in my opinion) is forget about what everyone else is going to think. You know the truth. You know this is crazy how he treats you. You deserve better. People can think and say what they want. If they really care they will ask you what is wrong. You will find out who your real friends are, that is for sure. This is much easier said than done I realize that. Be strong for yourself, not everyone else.

palwithme

celsner wrote: »

My mother in law was shot in the head by an abusive boyfriend when she tried to leave. It will only escalate and get worse. It won't get better and you CAN leave. Do you think my mother in law would have said 20 years later that "it's not the easy!" If she had known going in to confront him on last time would make her two young teenage boys live the rest of their lives without a mom??! No,that is what isn't easy. Leave for your parents. They obviously love you so much! Find a local support group in your area. They help hide women in a safe place during the transition out. When you do decide to leave, take everything with you or leave it. Don't go back in. He is dangerous. Abusive. Manipulative. This relationship is toxic to your health. You can't make poison into a peach.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-abused-and-battered-women.htm

What a horrible story! So sad. Unfortunately it is all too familiar!

melimomTARDIS

herrspoons wrote: »

He's been doing it for years and he's not going to change. Kick the deadbeat out or live a life of misery. Your choice.

Strongly agree.

RoxieDawn

The question is where do you find strength? Some turn to religion, some turn to family and some turn to friends. All these will turn you back to you.

Anything that you need to grasp on to is OK. Make sure those you choose to be around are objective, but kind and also those that are not afraid to give the tough love when you need it. Trust me, the truth hurts but you learn from those that are the most honest with you not matter what the situation or set of circumstances are.

With all of that said, when you are ready to set the record straight, you will rise up and hold your head high and move on (and only you can do this).

In time it will be on your own terms and with your dignity in hand.. Keep reaching out to the ones you trust and are your true "friends".

To all of those that are victims of assault and addiction, there is a solution and it takes getting the dust and clouds out of your head and when that is done, a new beginning starts..

Keep telling your self every day, every hour and every minute you deserve better and will have better!