My rock bottom... trying to get out :(

one8ygirl

I just have to say, to keep things on the topic of health and weight, that it does NOT sound like an almost 6' tall woman weighing 188 would need to lose 40 pounds? I am having trouble perceiving you as severely overweight. I know that numbers don't tell the whole truth, but it sounds like eating healthy and exercising without a goal 'number' in mind might be a better step for you, once you get over the predominant issues of abuse that you are enduring. Prayers!

nicoleyg

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know all about abusive relationships; physical, mental, and emotional. Girl get out while you can.. Mine were so bad I had to have surgery because of the damage he did. And 20 years later I still don't have feeling on the left side of my face because of the nerve damage. I left for myself because I knew if I didn't walk out of the door, one day I would be leaving in a body bag.
You have to lose weight for yourself, losing it for someone else wont work. Be who you are...be true to yourself...treat yourself with the love you deserve... There are many different ups and downs in life. Weight gain and loss is just one of them.
Although I don't know you, I love you and will join you on your path to loose weight.
Keep your head up, think positive thoughts about yourself everyday, and please, please continue to reach out to others for help and support.

maillemaker

But I am too scared to leave him permanently. I hope someone on here understands.

Man, I read about this all the time. Women are so worried about security that they are willing to put up with the worst abuse to take the punishment of the pain they know rather than risk the fear of the unknown of leaving.

Don't do that!

You are in an abusive relationship. You do not need to endure that! You deserve respect! Do not let the fear of the unknown of being on your own hold you back from living the life that you deserve! You are a lawyer! You went through law school for Pete's sake!

Stay with your folks. Talk to that shrink. Take your life back.

DeonGoode

First of all..YOu need to leave that man!..And work on rebuilding your life on a new foundation.. Trust in God and he will help you get a new life!

Strange_magic

A few things. Firstly you seem actually to be within a healthy range. Though-honestly I think that your weight is the very last most important thing to address here. I just wanted to say it.

Secondly-keep going to AA. Make friends. Meet people with stories that make you feel like you aren't alone. You aren't.

Thirdly-I know you don't want to admit it, but your marriage is a dangerous one. Please do all you can to get out of this situation. It does not sound like he's going to change.
SO YOU CHANGE!

You can absolutely turn it all around. I've seen others do it. I've done it myself.

Formyownsake

Thanks everyone!

This is so hard for me right now I think I may have a nervous breakdown.

My boss is back at work and she is being really mean to me. I am her Associate and she relies on me to make a lot of money for her, but because I am still a new lawyer, I need some mentorship (she promised mentorship when she hired me and now she is just barking at me because she is upset she lost the election race).

I kindly asked her today for 10 minutes of her time to talk about a file and all she did was put me down.

Maybe there's just something really wrong with me. My self-esteem is waaaaay below zero.

I'm still staying at my parents house.

Yesterday was actually an okay day because my boss came back and just had a big staff meeting so the focus wasn't really on me. But now it is. I had a huge panic attack after talking to her this morning so I decided to take my lunch break to go to the pharmacy to get my anti-anxiety medication, because I was out. While I was at the pharmacy, she texted me "where the hell are you?". I texted back "my lunch break". And she texted "yeah, right. Can't you keep your priorities straight?".

I have a hunch she thinks I went out to get liquor, but I really didn't. I always felt she knew I was drinking. But I've stopped now. I'm trying so hard to get better but I keep feeling victim to the treatment I get.

I would never hurt myself because my mom would just die of sadness. But all I am thinking about right now is how much I want to die.

I wish my husband was the kind you could go home and run to. But that's not an option at this point either.

Sorry... bad day.

jenncornelsen

ManagingIntake wrote: »

Thanks everyone!

This is so hard for me right now I think I may have a nervous breakdown.

My boss is back at work and she is being really mean to me. I am her Associate and she relies on me to make a lot of money for her, but because I am still a new lawyer, I need some mentorship (she promised mentorship when she hired me and now she is just barking at me because she is upset she lost the election race).

I kindly asked her today for 10 minutes of her time to talk about a file and all she did was put me down.

Maybe there's just something really wrong with me. My self-esteem is waaaaay below zero.

I'm still staying at my parents house.

Yesterday was actually an okay day because my boss came back and just had a big staff meeting so the focus wasn't really on me. But now it is. I had a huge panic attack after talking to her this morning so I decided to take my lunch break to go to the pharmacy to get my anti-anxiety medication, because I was out. While I was at the pharmacy, she texted me "where the hell are you?". I texted back "my lunch break". And she texted "yeah, right. Can't you keep your priorities straight?".

I have a hunch she thinks I went out to get liquor, but I really didn't. I always felt she knew I was drinking. But I've stopped now. I'm trying so hard to get better but I keep feeling victim to the treatment I get.

I would never hurt myself because my mom would just die of sadness. But all I am thinking about right now is how much I want to die.

I wish my husband was the kind you could go home and run to. But that's not an option at this point either.

Sorry... bad day.

talk to your mom. moms can be the best friends in the world. don't let your boss get to u. can u look for a different job and get a fresh start there? u are new so it would be good to find someone who will truly teach u the ins and outs of an already stressful job. or, on the other hand have u been there long enough u can maybe take stress leave?

DearestWinter

ManagingIntake wrote: »

Thanks everyone!

This is so hard for me right now I think I may have a nervous breakdown.

My boss is back at work and she is being really mean to me. I am her Associate and she relies on me to make a lot of money for her, but because I am still a new lawyer, I need some mentorship (she promised mentorship when she hired me and now she is just barking at me because she is upset she lost the election race).

I kindly asked her today for 10 minutes of her time to talk about a file and all she did was put me down.

Maybe there's just something really wrong with me. My self-esteem is waaaaay below zero.

I'm still staying at my parents house.

Yesterday was actually an okay day because my boss came back and just had a big staff meeting so the focus wasn't really on me. But now it is. I had a huge panic attack after talking to her this morning so I decided to take my lunch break to go to the pharmacy to get my anti-anxiety medication, because I was out. While I was at the pharmacy, she texted me "where the hell are you?". I texted back "my lunch break". And she texted "yeah, right. Can't you keep your priorities straight?".

I have a hunch she thinks I went out to get liquor, but I really didn't. I always felt she knew I was drinking. But I've stopped now. I'm trying so hard to get better but I keep feeling victim to the treatment I get.

I would never hurt myself because my mom would just die of sadness. But all I am thinking about right now is how much I want to die.

I wish my husband was the kind you could go home and run to. But that's not an option at this point either.

Sorry... bad day.

Do you have any friends locally that you can lean on at times like these? I find even a talk on the phone with someone who cares can help a lot. Sorry to hear you're dealing with all of this. It sounds very stressful and disheartening.

FreedomMK2131

I am so sorry you are experiencing all of these stressors at the moment. It can be very difficult to stay on track when we feel depressed, anxious, or upset. A good frame of mind is key to motivate us to eat healthy and exercise. I have also experienced difficult circumstances in the past that have caused me to fall off the wagon, so I can somewhat relate. It helped me to speak with a therapist short-term to learn some positive coping skills when I was dealing with tough times. Those skills can help you the rest of your life, and I am very grateful for the help I received. I am certainly not saying you need mental help, so please do not be offended. I will send you a friend request, and I hope that I can be there for you if you need. Keep pushing forward and just take things one day at a time. You can do this!

MinxyNZ

I really recommend much the same as these people above me. If you are having really negative thoughts then you need to talk to either someone who will listen to your concerns (family or friends) or a health professional. I wouldn't jump to conclusions that your boss thinks your drinking. In my country a boss can legally breathalyze / drug test an employee (provided it's in their contract). I'd say the woman is coping with her own at the moment and unfortunately venting it on you, which you don't need. Sounds like your self esteem is at an all time low (understandable) and you need to communicate with someone to get these feelings out. I'd recommend starting with your Mom, that's what they are there for. I like that someone mentioned stress leave, see if that is an option if you feel you need to take it. Just to give you time to get your head straight. Big hugs.

missh1967

ManagingIntake wrote: »

Thanks glutenfreechic, I Google'd the power and control wheel and it almost describes everything! I want him to see it so he can see what I see. I actually went through and highlighted all the applicable items and the whole wheel looks yellow all over now.

He actually thinks, deep down, that he does not have any problems, he is justified for acting the way he does, and that I am the cause of his abuse. He refuses to admit that he has anger issues. I am doing everything in my power to get better, and in order to do som I had to determine I had a problem and I wanted to get better (intention).

I wish he would do the same.

Thanks also Gnulie for sharing your story. I don't want to be a victim of circumstances...

Everyone's comments are getting me through the day. Knowing that I have all these wonderful supporters really seems to help.

Managing, every time you post, you talk about fixing HIM. You can't. You shouldn't. You need to work on you. He will not change.

eva_svi

@ManagingIntake please please please consider leaving your husband. I know it's hard as I have a first hand experience with abusive relationships growing up. It does NOT get better. No matter what you do, no matter how you look. My mom married a guy 17 yrs her senior (big love). She provided for our whole family financially, did all the housework and managed to look good doing so. It still did nothing to prevent his outbursts. Over the years, he went from being verbally abusive now and then to repeated physical violence. My mom kept saying we could not leave as we lived in his house (and she put all her money to reconstruction) - plus she still loved him and believed his promises it would not happen again. But it always did. She finally left him after 17 years when he nearly killed her (she had to spend 3 weeks in hospital). Please don't let it go this far. It all started with "only" verbal abuse...

RoxieDawn

It sounds like you need to ditch the job. And how is you are in your profession such as yours, lawyers and/or bosses acting like that and the fact they are harassing you via text and will not talk to you about a "file"? If this is all true you should be proactive and start taking notes because you have a lawsuit on your own building with this job...

As for your husband, take it from me, the DO NOT change. Ever..

It's time to take inventory of your life and start being proactive. First, ditch the job and get a better one and keep your money to your self and find a place to live. Stay at your parents until you can get back on your feet financially and move out on your own.

Next it is divorce time. If all the descriptions and comments you made are indeed true and not inflated by your emotions, then you already know what to do.. its time to move the freak on.

You were strong enough at some point to get through law school and pass the bar?? Use your talents and schooling being a lawyer to assist you... you have something a lot us don't have or can't get access to being a lawyer..

Stop saying you want to die... What is this and where is this coming from? When I hear that I immediately say, please get her some intervention. If you indeed want to die, why post that to folks in cyber space. It makes me want to call 911 for you. I am not trying to be rude.. it makes me scared for people that are feeling hopeless to the point that this "thread" is happening.

Please work on getting some help.. You sound like a mess and in deed you need counseling and if no one has pointed this out by now (which they have), please start on this immediately. I do not think posting here everyday on how bad your days are is not a solution to your problems. It is time to be proactive.

I was hit one time too many.. I did not talk it out, and I did not walk out, I ran the holy **** out, with my bags in my hand and escort. Do the same..

cheezels83

ManagingIntake wrote: »

I will stay with my parents for a while. One thing about leaving that frightens me is telling my friends and extended family. They all love him and they do not know how he treats me. I would feel so ashamed for covering it up for so long. All the gifts they gave us as a married couple. All the cards, the conversations... all a lie. (?). It's too scary for me to think about such a big change.

Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my post and reply with such thoughtful comments.

Yes you will be embarrassed. BUT, having been in an abusive marriage till 2000, I was shocked to learn from my friends that what I thought I had covered so well was in fact known by others in our social circle. That many of our mutual friends had stayed friends with us because of me and that they were being supportive by sticking around.

You might just be surprised.
In the end, people who don't support you are not worth your time and don't deserve to be in your life.
It was tough, I cannot say it wasn't, but my life now and the people in it, are a world away from what I had.

Good luck and I hope you find your inner strength to stop drinking and take control of your life. You only get one!

chantellehunni

Iv privately messaged u I understand wot ur going through and although it's hard I think ur b better off without him that's at least one step to happiness xx

pineapple_peach10

I didn't read all of the comments but I just want to say I am sorry you are going through this. You seriously need to get away from your husband before he seriously hurts you or even worse.

It took a really devestating break up years ago for me to evaluate my life. I was extremely anxious, depressed, and self destructive (due to the break up) but also because I was in school studying a profession I hated. Once I had the courage to make changes, I left that career and found one I love.

I know this isn't possible for everyone, but if you are this miserable as a lawyer maybe you need to reevaluate things.

But honestly, please get away from your husband. He sounds like the type who could escalate at any time.

Good luck

999tigger

Dod anyone identify the reasons why she cant leave beyond the obvious? Is it cultural?

bunnywestley81

I've had a few abusive exs in the past. Last one was the worst.

I paid all the bills, worked full time, everyone thought everything was fine. I lost count of the times he told me i was, ugly, useless, no one really liked me and only put up with me because they were his friends, i lost count of the times i was hit. I lost conciousness twice i do remember.

And who is to blame for this? Partially Me. Why? BECAUSE I LET HIM.

The final time it happened i thought i was pregnant and was being made redundant from my job. I suggested he started looking for one himself. I was beaten black and blue, he tried to break my finger, strangled me, force me to eat used cat lat litter, kicked me and tried to rape me.

I ran with no bag or shoes to the pub across the road where the police were called.

My parents had to take me in after the police bailed him to our house.

I told everyone. I did feel ashamed but i had nothing but kindness and sympathy. I told his friends, my friends, all my family, my work colleagues. I even told his mum.
And they were all rooting for ME.

It took over a year to get it through to court.

He escaped jail with a suspended sentence but is now a registered sex offender. And if he ever does it again it is on record.

I wasn't pregnant and i wasn't made redundant.

I now have my own house and a lovely man to treats me like a princess and spoils me rotten! And he doesn't care if I'm Kate Moss or Jabba the Hut...as long as i am happy!!

At the time i never thought I'd find anyone ever again. I didn't want to. It took a long time working on me as a person...and when i met my man it was so hard to get used to someone being nice to me. Looking after me. Treating me. And treating me with respect.

ITS FREAKING AWESOME TO BE ADORED!!!

I suggest you try it!
xx

Formyownsake

Thanks so much to all of you for your thoughtful comments and taking the time to share your stories and advice.

I hate complaining and I hate playing the victim. I think I just really needed to hear some of that stuff.

999 - no, nothing cultural.

When I talk about wanting to die, it's just thoughts. I would NEVER act on them because my mom would just die of sadness herself.

I have been talking to my parents about this and yes I am seeing a psychologist. I do not have any friends to talk to because he made me "dump" them all. My best friends are actually all of you guys, on here, on MFP.

I also apologize for bringing such a dark topic into this wonderful website. Since my husband won't talk to me until I lose at least 30 lbs, I thought this was the place to start.

I have been told by a colleague that I should get stress leave. I believe I would be fired if I asked for one, even with a doctor's note.

Even though I hate my job, I can't lose it. I have so many bills to pay. When I'm at home late at night, instead of looking for new jobs, which I should be doing, I just cry myself to sleep and have horrible panic attacks.

News: I spoke to my boss yesterday. I almost forced her to give me 10 minutes of her time. I explained that my husband kicked me out and I'm at my parents and I'm going through a lot of depression and anxiety and it has affected my work. But that I want to be better. She wasn't very sympathetic and instead told me she is disappointed in me. She yelled(ish) and said I should be better. "Suck it up buttercup" kind of thing. I left even more scared of her as I was before.

Although I'm still not ready to think about divorce, I consider myself separated from my husband right now and I'm so happy my parents are there to console me.

I have stayed away from the alcohol completely. But boy, do I ever want a drink right now. I won't go to the liquor store... but that used to be my only way of instant relief.

But reading your comments is helping.

I don't know how I let this all happen.

palwithme

Your boss is an a**, your husband is an a**. I hope you realize that not talking to you until you lose 30 pounds is completely insane.