My rock bottom... trying to get out :(

Hello,

It's been about a month since I've been on MFP. Many of my friends de-friended me for lack of logging in. Others kept me on. And for those, I thank you.

I need to get some stuff out and I hope to find continued support on MFP while I try (again) to lose much weight. Some of my MFP friends know bits of what I've been through, but now I am so desperate for help and support, I need to divulge it all.

I am a new lawyer and the past few months have been the most depressing, anxiety-ridden months of my life. I have suffered with anxiety and depression before, but not like this. It's a culmination of many things, mostly my stressful job, my complete lack of confidence, the fact that I started drinking heavily every day, and my relationship with my husband.

I do not like my boss because she makes me feel like I am a failure. Which I am. I started drinking heavily, even during the day, and not doing my work as fast as I should have. She has been absent from the office for a couple of months as she tried to get into politics, but recently lost. She returns on Tuesday. I am so frightened I will be fired.

My husband has also never been the nicest guy. He is abusive verbally and physically. I have been with him 13 years. He puts me down a lot when I am not perfect for him (mostly my weight and my looks and when I don't agree with everything he says).

I started drinking almost every day about a year ago, more so in the past few months. I have become a depressed anxiety-ridden OCD alcoholic. I would drink about two "mickeys" of vodka a day, just to get rid of the pain and to get myself motivated to work. But, because alcohol is a depressant, I would end my nights crying and screaming in my car because I hate my life.

During this time I also gained about 35 pounds because of stress eating and drinking.

I have called the local distress center and the suicide prevention line at least a dozen times in the past three months.

I got in a car accident and lost my car two weeks ago (no, I was not drinking and driving).

I finally called an emergency line for lawyers and they set me up with a psychologist. Although I tried to implement the strategies she tried to teach me, I continued to drink my sorrows away, and not take my anti-depressants that my doctor prescribed me.

A couple weeks ago another lawyer in my office who is 6 years sober took me out for lunch and told me she knows I am drinking and said she would accompany me to AA. I felt horrible that I was obvious about this downfall, but agreed to go only because I would die otherwise... either by alcohol poisoning or suicide.

I have now been to three meetings, next one tomorrow, and have been sober for a week and one day.

My husband has continuously ridiculed me for my weight (I am 5'11'' 3/4 - almost 6'0" and I am now 188.8 lbs, but have yo-yo'd between 150 and 190). He has done so for years.

But today he saw my gut hanging out when I was folding laundry. He started to yell, calling me a fat f'ing pig (and many other names I don't wish to repeat), and forced me to go on the scale. He saw that I was 188.8 and he lost it. He screamed so loud he was spitting on me. He said he is trying not to hit me because my psychologist told him not to, so he yelled "IF I CAN'T HIT YOU THEN I'M GOING TO HIT MYSELF" and he started hitting himself in the head, all red in the face, and grabbed his own gut (he is very skinny right now) telling me to grab mine. He told me I needed to be so upset about my weight I should go to the kitchen and use a knife to cut off my fat.

Then he kicked me out. I am now at my parents house, broken.

He told me not to come back until I have lost 40 lbs. He said if I can't lose 5 lbs a week, then I am not trying hard enough.

I just thought I would share in case there are others out there whose spouses beat them up like this. I know some people may say "leave him!". But it's just not that easy. It really isn't.

My life has fallen apart. I am back on MFP and hopefully I will lose the weight I need to lose.

Thank you.