My rock bottom... trying to get out :(



  • lillyrose2020
    lillyrose2020 Posts: 178 Member
    You're doing so well, keep focusing on yourself and staying on track with your sobriety, you've come such a long way and should feel really proud, well done!
    Don't worry too much about your text battle, the fact he only wound you up and wasn't able to suck you back in shows how much stronger you've become.
    You're so brave for calling him out on his controlling and abusive behaviour, he probably got a real shock, but it shows that you will not tolerate it ever again and that you're gradually separating yourself from him.
    Keep on at it and remember that there are people that care about you :smiley:
  • Formyownsake
    Formyownsake Posts: 88 Member
    Hello my superstar, super supportive friends!

    Just wanted to say thank you for the latest comments and for continuing to cheer me on :smiley:

    I have been on MFP every day since my last update post on Wednesday (it's now Saturday), but only for long enough to answer some PMs, check some posts (thanks everyone!!) but I haven't provided an update since Wednesday.

    So Wednesday night I went to see my old boss, as per her request, (and after a couple of times that she rescheduled on me), after I attended an "all ladies" AA meeting. She was there (one of her Assistants let me in), but my old boss was busy with people helping her fix some of her computer programs. She said I can start cleaning out my office and she would meet with me after. So I started to clean out my office, which took about an hour, and took all the bags/boxes to my car. Only, I was locked out and couldn't get back in. I kept calling and texting the Assistant but it took a while for her to get to her phone, so stayed out in the cold dark night for a (long) while.

    Then, when I was all cleaned up and ready to meet my ex boss, she was still working with the people trying to fix her computer.

    I waited for her in the kitchen. For a good hour. She came and asked if I could come back another day (now it's going to be Monday) to discuss the files I was working on so she knows where to take off (even though I keep a detailed diary online of my files and she could just look at that, plus the file itself, and my notes - I am very organized in that way, but oh well, I need to discuss some administrative stuff with her re: the Law Society stuff). I said okay, but wanted my mid-month advance she promised me (she's paying me until the end of the month for my "notice period"). She gave it to me, but cut it in half. She said my final, final pay at the end of April will have what the mid-month is missing. Doesn't make sense to me.

    Then she had the nerve to ask me if I could work on some of the files I was working on, and she would pay me to do so. I immediately told her (respectfully) that I couldn't, that I need time off work, and that I have a doctor's note saying I should not work for 3 months as of April 16th, 2015, and although that can change if I am feeling better, I wasn't ready to go back to work (I also said, silently in my head, "and I would NEVER go back to work with you!". I need her to know this. I can't believe she let me go then asks me to continue to do work. I just cannot imagine working for her again. She is one of the reasons I lost myself so badly.

    At least I got my stuff back. It seemed to all be there.

    Besides that, I've been doing lots of hot yoga and walking, as well as resting and crying. I have been eating better but not starving myself like my husband would want me to do.

    I have had absolutely no contact with my husband since Tuesday night (he sent a couple of texts). I am sad, angry, free, confused, and still very emotional about it. But I am trying to "live in the moment" by getting better and spending some wonderful quality time with my parents.

    I am 28 days sober today.

    Thank you JaneiR36, for saying I shouldn't get a scale. My parents don't have one and I was considering getting a cheap one. I do want to lose weight, but for ME, NOT him. And more to be healthier than thinner. If he were to ask how much I weigh, I am pretty confident (I think) that I would say, "it doesn't matter and I won't ever tell you again unless I want to".

    I did end up getting a cheap scale. I will not "report" my weight to my husband as he would prefer. I am starting (barely) to understand that it's none of his business, and he shouldn't see me only for the number that represents my weight.

    AAaaanyway, I weighed myself today and I am happy to report, that since being at my parents house (almost 3 weeks now), I have lost 11.8 lbs!

    I'm sure lots of that was water weight and my body getting rid of the alcohol. In hot yoga I sweat buckets and I think that has been good (and cleansing, too).

    So just wanted to say hi, and thank you again to everyone. I love you all xoxoxo

  • MelodyandBarbells
    MelodyandBarbells Posts: 7,725 Member
    Nice hearing from you! The no scale advice sounds really cool, I wish I would have posted it but it looks like it was Kida_Adeylne who posted just after I did! Didn't want to take credit for someone else's hard work lol

    I love that you're seeing these people for the blood sucking takers they are, while enjoying quality time with your parents, this is great!! And Congrats on the weight loss :)
  • Formyownsake
    Formyownsake Posts: 88 Member
    Oops! Thanks Kida_Adelyne AND JaneiR36!
  • Klhernandez81
    Klhernandez81 Posts: 62 Member
    You deserve someone who loves you no matter your size. I have been 210, to 160, to 199, to 170 now and my husband says he loves me no matter how I am and that's what you deserve as well. I too struggled with drinking and made he decision to stop 5 years ago. It was the best decision of my life. It allowed me to face each day knowing that I am in control of my decisions and only o can choose what comes out of my life. You sound like you must be a very intelligent woman and obviously able to share your emotions. Focus on caring for yourself, learning what you want and deserve in life and go get it!! They weight is secondary! You will lose it, but only as you decide to take care of you and it really sounds like you are on the right path, even if it feels really hard. You don't need anyone to tell you that you are strong, accomplished, or beautiful but you! Keep at it ;)
  • Kida_Adeylne
    Kida_Adeylne Posts: 201 Member
    Great work! Nearly a month sober - congratulations!
  • Katiebear_81
    Katiebear_81 Posts: 719 Member
    Great update! I've heard that sweat therapy (yoga, infrared saunas, etc.) can help recovering addicts get some of the stored substances out of their systems (as some things are stored in fat cells). Congrats on so many days sober! You are an absolute inspiration.

    Keep taking it one day at a time. You need to make no decisions about your husband yet. :) Many hugs.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    It is OK to be sad about what is lost. Me, I'm celebrating that you are shedding the abusive people in your life (your ex and your ex-boss). You realize all the messing around your ex-boss is doing it so RE-ASSERT her power over you, even though she gave that all up when she fired you? That's twisted. I'm glad you noticed that you don't owe this woman anything any more.

    During this prescribed time of rest, start writing a list of the characteristics of a great boss, so you know what to look for when you get back to the work force. I suspect you are a VERY GOOD lawyer. Organized lawyers are gold. I'm speaking as a lifetime admin, often tasked with putting back files messed around by lesser lawyers.
  • mwyvr
    mwyvr Posts: 1,883 Member
    Wow, just read your story, and I hope by the time I read through to the end that you are in a better place. It's sad to see people remain in abusive relationships.

    I hope you are able to spend your time working on things that are important to you, not to anyone else, and that the work you put into yourself builds your self-confidence, putting the power over your life back into your hands where it always belonged.
  • izzydino
    izzydino Posts: 254 Member
    YOU are amazing and stronger than you realize.
  • ninthnarnian
    ninthnarnian Posts: 237 Member
    I speak from experience that the situation you are dealing with is like being in a room filled with very thick smoke. Hard to see anything clearly - and also very unhealthy for you. I just found this thread today, but have read through most of it, and I'm so glad to see you taking some breaths of "clean air." I know what it is like to forget who you are.

    I am glad of your days sober- congratulations!
    I wish you a lifetime of success in that difficult battle.

    Take a deep breath and be thankful for your health, your freedom, your education, and your courage (leaving is scary)

    I know that leaving an abusive relationship is so hard! Even if you are only temporarily separated (take your time to make your own decisions)

    I want to be an encouragement to you that better days are ahead.

    I know you have had many responses- but I would love to "be a shoulder" for you in PM if you wish.

    You are making great progress- and you are so, so much more than a number on a scale. You deserve people around you that love you no matter what you weigh.

    Messaging and talking to him is going to be odd and painful. Only you can decide how much to communicate or not.

    Continue talking this out with those you trust- and continue with professional counsel if you are willing.

    There is life after abuse! I look forward to hearing updates from you.
  • NoIdea101NoIdea
    NoIdea101NoIdea Posts: 659 Member
    That's an awesome loss, well done!

    And that's just so, so rude of your ex-boss; I'm glad you told her no! Good for you, stay strong, you're doing great :)
  • nicola8989
    nicola8989 Posts: 381 Member
    I am so sorry to hear all of this. Just over a year ago I left my abusive partner - it took me over a year of trying and the only way I could do it was going no contact because he persistently harassed, stalked and sweet talked me back. He also really laid into me about my weight despite being heavier than me.

    All I can say is that it is the very best decision I ever made. I have built a wonderful life with a new partner and I am so happy. I'm not sure whereabouts you live but Women's Aid in the UK is super helpful.

    Take good care - you are so strong x
  • ddrhellbunny
    ddrhellbunny Posts: 119 Member
    I just had to comment.

    I've been keeping up with this thread because I just had to say,


    I hope you don't forget that. You do SO much, you are strong, wonderful and full of determination. I could only HOPE to aspire to be someone like you.

    I hope everything turns out for you because you deserve it more than anyone I know.
    Take care of yourself, you are absolutely lovely. :]
  • Formyownsake
    Formyownsake Posts: 88 Member
    Thank you again to everyone. You have all made me cry tears of love. I have felt more love from you than I have ever felt from my husband.

    Still no contact with him with the exception of a text from him yesterday telling me which party to vote for in the upcoming election. I ignored it.

    I am finally free from my ex-boss! She kept me on a string until Thursday of this week, asking for help on files, leaving the administrative things we had to do until the end. I finally got my stuff and when I drove away from the office for the last time, I yelled, "I AM FREE!!"

    I have been going to a lot of AA meetings. Today I am 35 days sober. I received my "One Month" chip from AA a few days ago! Everyone in the room cheered for me, and I know all of you were cheering for me too.
  • Kevinsen59
    Kevinsen59 Posts: 1 Member
    I just found this post, and read through most of everybody's comments, and all of the OP's comments. I'm inspired by the good advice and encouragement found here in droves. I'll add what little I can.

    Take stock of what you *do* have. You've talked about a gratitude journal. Those are great. Also make a list of your strengths. Own them. Make them a part of your image of yourself. They're yours, and they're you.

    People have already said this well, but as of April 5th, you and I were roughly the same height and weight. Based on that fact alone, I know that you have never been as overweight as your husband perceives. In fact, based on BMI calculations, at your *very worst* you only juuuuuust scratch the surface of the "Overweight" category. All the rest of the time, you are in "Normal weight." You didn't have 30 lbs to lose; you had however much weight *you* decide to lose. And if your goal is to be fit, healthy, and happy, then it doesn't matter what that means on the scale.

    I believe you said that you've had anxiety and depression even before the alcohol, and I know that having depression once increases the chances you'll experience it again, so I'll share a few thoughts there.

    First, taking medication to manage depression is a question of getting your body's chemicals in balance. You recognize that your body's chemicals are messing with you, and you fix it. Some people hate "needing" medication. Just remember, YOU don't need medication; your body does. You just want your body to work the way it's supposed to.

    Before my wife (and then doctor) diagnosed my depression, I felt weighed down and lethargic to start the day, like it would take a lot of effort to feel happy, and that I wasn't capable of that much effort. The medication makes it so when I start the day, I start neutral, without that fog and weight.

    My doctor told me to also add some good behaviors that would help prevent depletion of key body chemicals in the future (though I still stay on the meds):
    1) Exercise,
    2) Have good people interaction, and
    3) Sleep enough.

    With your hot yoga, it sounds like you're taking care of #1. Keep it up!

    With the awesome people in this post, the other online group, with the two supportive lawyers from your former firm who reached out, and with your AA group, you've pretty well got #2 covered. As things start to get easier, and they will get easier, remember to keep this up.

    You've made one or two mentions about your sleep, so I am going to assume that you're doing better taking care of #3 now. When you find the right next job, you may be tempted at times to sleep less. Prescribe yourself the amount of sleep you need, and treat it like doctor's orders. Depression feeds on the exhausted.

    One last thought. So many women here have been through similar, horrible things, and now they're helping you. Soon, you can help others through this, too. I don't think this was "meant to" happen to you, but what you choose to do with it certainly can give it meaning.

    Keep plugging along. You're worth it!
  • mwyvr
    mwyvr Posts: 1,883 Member
    @ManagingIntake after reading all the rest and your recent updates I have no hesitation betting on you. You will make it. You will not only survive but thrive. It was a delight reading about your last visit with your ex-boss: from my perspective in your departure transition you behaved far more professionally than your former boss. Take full credit for that. There are better bosses and firms out there. Reach for them!

    Congratulations on your sobriety and keep us all posted on your continued successes.
  • lillyrose2020
    lillyrose2020 Posts: 178 Member
    Thanks for keeping us updated on your progress, you're right that everyone here is cheering you on for how far you've come, truly amazing.
    So pleased you finally have closure from your old job and awful boss as well.
    Really pleased things are getting better for you, and I'm sure it will only continue X
  • BZAH10
    BZAH10 Posts: 5,710 Member
    Thank you again to everyone. You have all made me cry tears of love. I have felt more love from you than I have ever felt from my husband.

    Still no contact with him with the exception of a text from him yesterday telling me which party to vote for in the upcoming election. I ignored it.

    I am finally free from my ex-boss! She kept me on a string until Thursday of this week, asking for help on files, leaving the administrative things we had to do until the end. I finally got my stuff and when I drove away from the office for the last time, I yelled, "I AM FREE!!"

    I have been going to a lot of AA meetings. Today I am 35 days sober. I received my "One Month" chip from AA a few days ago! Everyone in the room cheered for me, and I know all of you were cheering for me too.

    Yes, yes we were! I am so happy you are free from your old boss and that you've had no contact, nor the urge to, with your husband.

    I'm honestly astounded and proud at how far you have come already! So many forward, positive steps. Keep it up - we are all here with you!
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
    Well done for the 1 month chip. Keep your focus, you are still doing really well and heading to a better place.