Four bags of Oreos
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I'm sensing the overall feeling is put up and shut up until the EMT's come to pick one of us up. (I know there are a couple people who have a better understanding of why I'm so upset - I realize that doesn't represent you)
So essentially, if you witnessed your spouse or significant other downing a bottle of poison, you'd just sit back ( or join them) and say "hey, he (or she) is an adult and if they want to finish off that poison, well then, that's their right."? That doesn't seem very loving, concerned or compassionate, but maybe that's where we are as a society... accepting and then sticking your head in the sand to ignore seems to be the expectation. Not sure I can be on board with that, but I think that's what he expects of me too.0 -
Speaking only for myself, healthy eating is about eating predominantly food that is nutritious, natural, and not loaded with empty calories. I have specific health concerns, so I avoid certain foods because I know they're not going to serve any positive purpose for me. I made it clear here at home this evening that I needed to get back to my style of cooking - which was met with resistance, but I need to stand firm on this point.
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You simply are not ready to eat right until that one day that you are. Sounds like your day came before his, and there isn't anything you can do about it. I sat across from my husband tonight while he ate a whataburger and large fries, then I came home and had ground turkey lettuce wraps. Im happy, and he's happy. He eats healthy with me most of the time. The true test is your self control!! I had the talk that if he wants to eat like that he needs to keep it out of the house. Eventually it will be easier to just eat what you make instead of feeding himself, hopefully!0
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[quote="APeacefulWarrior[/quote]
Speaking only for myself, healthy eating is about eating predominantly food that is nutritious, natural, and not loaded with empty calories. I have specific health concerns, so I avoid certain foods because I know they're not going to serve any positive purpose for me. I made it clear here at home this evening that I needed to get back to my style of cooking - which was met with resistance, but I need to stand firm on this point.
[/quote]
Good on you. It will be hard though. I have a very dear friend whose husband was very resistant to her weight loss journey. He kept on bringing her favorite ice-creams and cakes into the house. She didn't eat them and reached her goal. He admitted later that he was scared that she would find someone else once she lost the weight. It was very sad.0 -
I guess the thing is that when you have a condition such as Type II diabetes you may well have the right to eat whatever you want because its your body but what about when you go blind or lose your limbs or the numerous other illness that do happen, do you also then have the right to expect others (ie your wife and family) to look after you. And you may well say that they don't have to look after them but the reality is that this IS what happens.
With rights comes responsibilities which is what lots of people forget when they espouse such things.
So I have sympathy for the OP and totally understand her frustration. But the other posters are right, you can't make anyone change so you have to get on with your own change and leave them to it. Don't cave to the temptations he brings home, he will just use it as an excused to justify his own behaviour.0 -
APeacefulWarrior wrote: »I'm sensing the overall feeling is put up and shut up until the EMT's come to pick one of us up. (I know there are a couple people who have a better understanding of why I'm so upset - I realize that doesn't represent you)
So essentially, if you witnessed your spouse or significant other downing a bottle of poison, you'd just sit back ( or join them) and say "hey, he (or she) is an adult and if they want to finish off that poison, well then, that's their right."? That doesn't seem very loving, concerned or compassionate, but maybe that's where we are as a society... accepting and then sticking your head in the sand to ignore seems to be the expectation. Not sure I can be on board with that, but I think that's what he expects of me too.
Even if you end up calling 911 (whether it be for yourself or someone else) the person may not change. As a medic I see it all the time. People utterly destroy their lives because of illness progression that may have been preventable. Just tonight I picked up one of our "frequent flyers" who has a whole host of medical problems. They are also 400+ lbs. The simple fact is until they want to change, there is nothing that anyone can say or do to change them. Is it a sad situation? Sure it is, but they made those choices, not me. I am sorry if that seems harsh but I choose not make other people's life choices my problem.0 -
charlieandcarol wrote: »I guess the thing is that when you have a condition such as Type II diabetes you may well have the right to eat whatever you want because its your body but what about when you go blind or lose your limbs or the numerous other illness that do happen, do you also then have the right to expect others (ie your wife and family) to look after you. And you may well say that they don't have to look after them but the reality is that this IS what happens.
With rights comes responsibilities which is what lots of people forget when they espouse such things.
My fear is that is exactly what will happen ... and the comment about rights and responsibilities has always been how I view things. Thank you for putting it so succinctly :0 -
Even if you end up calling 911 (whether it be for yourself or someone else) the person may not change. As a medic I see it all the time. People utterly destroy their lives because of illness progression that may have been preventable. Just tonight I picked up one of our "frequent flyers" who has a whole host of medical problems. They are also 400+ lbs. The simple fact is until they want to change, there is nothing that anyone can say or do to change them. Is it a sad situation? Sure it is, but they made those choices, not me. I am sorry if that seems harsh but I choose not make other people's life choices my problem.
The problem really arises when you love the person. Sure you can lack sympathy for your "frequent flyer" and not do anything. But a loved one? I think not.0 -
Even if you end up calling 911 (whether it be for yourself or someone else) the person may not change. As a medic I see it all the time. People utterly destroy their lives because of illness progression that may have been preventable. Just tonight I picked up one of our "frequent flyers" who has a whole host of medical problems. They are also 400+ lbs. The simple fact is until they want to change, there is nothing that anyone can say or do to change them. Is it a sad situation? Sure it is, but they made those choices, not me. I am sorry if that seems harsh but I choose not make other people's life choices my problem.
The problem really arises when you love the person. Sure you can lack sympathy for your "frequent flyer" and not do anything. But a loved one? I think not.
Oh really? You think not?
I recently had to "let go" of a family member who was destroying their life due to excessive drinking with cirrhosis and uncontrolled diabetes. I spoke with them many times about how those choices would in fact one day kill them. The stress from their choices was so bad it was affecting my health. I finally had to just let them be as well as let them go. Do I hope that maybe one day I will get a call that they have changed? Sure, but until then, I can not worry myself over what they choose to do.
Edit: spelling0 -
Even if you end up calling 911 (whether it be for yourself or someone else) the person may not change. As a medic I see it all the time. People utterly destroy their lives because of illness progression that may have been preventable. Just tonight I picked up one of our "frequent flyers" who has a whole host of medical problems. They are also 400+ lbs. The simple fact is until they want to change, there is nothing that anyone can say or do to change them. Is it a sad situation? Sure it is, but they made those choices, not me. I am sorry if that seems harsh but I choose not make other people's life choices my problem.
The problem really arises when you love the person. Sure you can lack sympathy for your "frequent flyer" and not do anything. But a loved one? I think not.
Oh really? You think not?
I recently had to "let go" of a family member who was destroying their lives due to excessive drinking with cirrhosis and uncontrolled diabetes. I spoke with them many times about how those choices would in fact one day kill them. The stress from their choices was so bad it was affecting my health. I finally had to just let them be as well as let them go. Do I hope that maybe one day I will get a call that they have chnaged? Sure, but until then, I can not worry myself over what they choose to do.
I so completely understand this... watched an alcoholic father make poor choices for years with drinking and an ex-husband basically eat himself into two heart attacks... maybe that's why I'm so stressed over my current situation.
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Man! Now I want oreos
Good luck with your husband! I'm not married so I can't relate, but I would image it has to be hard to watch someone continually make choices you know are hurting them. You probably feel the same way my Dad felt after he got healthier and lost weight and I tried, but then would make horrible decisions when eating. I'm sure he wanted to say things when I ordered non-nutrient dense foods at restaurants that would take me over my calorie limit, but he didn't. At least for him, we live half way around the world from each other so he didn't have to see it every day. Recently I finally "got it" and have been losing, and he's been my biggest cheerleader, even if the time zones only allow us to talk during certain parts of the day.
I hope your husband "gets it" soon!
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Oh really? You think not?
I recently had to "let go" of a family member who was destroying their lives due to excessive drinking with cirrhosis and uncontrolled diabetes. I spoke with them many times about how those choices would in fact one day kill them. The stress from their choices was so bad it was affecting my health. I finally had to just let them be as well as let them go. Do I hope that maybe one day I will get a call that they have chnaged? Sure, but until then, I can not worry myself over what they choose to do.
I am sorry you had to go through that. Having a family member with addiction issues is hard. I have that issue in my family too and it is horrendous. I think though a family member is a little different to a spouse or life partner isn't it? I personally could not simply walk away from my husband but I could from my brother or uncle. I have to say that I was referring to the medic's idea of not getting involved with his patients and he using that as a correlation to a husband. The two are entirely different.
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Oh really? You think not?
I recently had to "let go" of a family member who was destroying their lives due to excessive drinking with cirrhosis and uncontrolled diabetes. I spoke with them many times about how those choices would in fact one day kill them. The stress from their choices was so bad it was affecting my health. I finally had to just let them be as well as let them go. Do I hope that maybe one day I will get a call that they have chnaged? Sure, but until then, I can not worry myself over what they choose to do.
I am sorry you had to go through that. Having a family member with addiction issues is hard. I have that issue in my family too and it is horrendous. I think though a family member is a little different to a spouse or life partner isn't it? I personally could not simply walk away from my husband but I could from my brother or uncle. I have to say that I was referring to the medic's idea of not getting involved with his patients and he using that as a correlation to a husband. The two are entirely different.
I said nothing about addiction. There can be a difference between excessive use of something and addiction.
Just because you view a husband different from another family member that does not mean other do as well. Family is family, whether it be one of my significant others or a blood relative.
Also- I am female. Medic/pt or family member/family member, the point is sti the same. Their choices are theirs to make and until they want to change, nothing you say or do will do anything (except for possibly annoy them/cause backfire).0 -
My husband is similar, he's a bit tubby and his goal is to replace the fat with muscle. My goal is to loss weight. He'll buy chips and chocolate and gets really grumpy when I serve up healthy dinners. He was supposed to take homemade lunch to work instead of buying pies and coke to save his health and also our finances but I've recently found out that he's taking homemade lunch PLUS buying junk while at work. After lots of stress, anxiety attacks on my part and arguments surrounding this, I have taken over shopping duties (he used to do it after work as I have 4 kids to juggle if I go), I have also given up on trying to reason with him and have budgeted in a weekly allowance for him to spend on whatever crap he wants. He is an adult and you can't help someone that wont help themselves. Now I just focus on my goals and mine and my kids health.
So my advice to you Is to talk to him about it first, see if he's willing to change his habits. If not, don't let it get you down like I did... plan and do the shopping yourself. If he doesn't like the food you cook, he doesn't eat it... simple!0 -
I said nothing about addiction. There can be a difference between excessive use of something and addiction.
Just because you view a husband different from another family member that does not mean other do as well. Family is family, whether it be one of my significant others or a blood relative.
Also- I am female. Medic/pt or family member/family member, the point is sti the same. Their choices are theirs to make and until they want to change, nothing you say or do will do anything (except for possibly annoy them/cause backfire).
I was assuming alcoholism. I am sorry. I did say "I think a family member is different to a spouse" Operative words being "I think". I do not wish to project my feelings on to anyone else. I was simply saying that I understood the OP and that other family members are different to my husband. You see I chose my husband because I love him. I love my family because I have grown up with them and know them. It (to me) is a different type of love.0 -
APeacefulWarrior wrote: »Hubby and I had "the discussion" about eating more sensibly and healthier, and less junk food, etc, etc, etc, this weekend. (He has more weight to lose than I do.) Thought we were on the same page, until he came home from the grocery store this evening with four bags of Oreos, chocolate ice cream, eight pounds of pork sausage patties, and a supersize bag of generic Reese's pieces cereal.
I'm not even sure we're in the same book, much less on the same page. How do you handle these situations??
Oh my gosh, I know the frustration!
My boyfriend knows that I must eat healthy for my well-being and his doctor says that he seriously needs to lose weight because he's dangerously overweight and has many health issues.
BUT! When we go to the grocery store, my cart is filled with healthy foods and his basket (he likes to shop separately) has chips, soda, candy and cookies in it. And that's it. No actual food for meals.
When I cook, he refuses to eat my meals because they're "too healthy" he says. And he also gets mad at me for cooking healthy foods because he hates the smell of nearly ANYTHING with vegetables in it. He's actually banned me from cooking certain healthy soups and dishes because they contain either garlic, onions, celery, carrots, ginger or bell peppers. I still sneak and cook with those ingredients when I can.
The thing that upsets me is that I do care about him and he needs to be around for our child, who's also worried about his health and weight. Also, he gets super mad that I eat healthy foods because he wants me to join him in eating way too much bad, fatty, greasy, salty, unhealthy foods and then snack on cookies, candies, chips and soda all night long while watching TV. Not gonna happen. Everything in moderation for me. And to top it off, he wants me to lose weight and be thinner, but not eat healthy foods. He also gets mad at me when I feed our child healthy foods with a lot of veggies in it or give him fresh blended green juice (our child's fave!). And I get upset when he chooses to eat ONLY unhealthy things instead of working them into his diet w/ other healthy foods.
So he's mad at me, I'm mad at him and this goes nowhere. A house full of resentment. Therefore, we came to an understanding. He said that if I don't leave him alone to eat whatever bad things that he wants and let him gain as much weight as he wants, then he won't allow me to eat anything healthy anymore. He said he'll throw away my fruits and veggies and won't allow anything remotely healthy in this house anymore. So the understanding is, we just leave eachother alone to eat what we want just tp keep the peace.
Bottom line is, he can't force me to be unhealthy and I can't force him to be healthy.
P.S. he also doesn't like me exercising and he refuses to exercise. Same agreement there.0 -
SkinnyWannabeGal wrote: »APeacefulWarrior wrote: »Hubby and I had "the discussion" about eating more sensibly and healthier, and less junk food, etc, etc, etc, this weekend. (He has more weight to lose than I do.) Thought we were on the same page, until he came home from the grocery store this evening with four bags of Oreos, chocolate ice cream, eight pounds of pork sausage patties, and a supersize bag of generic Reese's pieces cereal.
I'm not even sure we're in the same book, much less on the same page. How do you handle these situations??
Oh my gosh, I know the frustration!
My boyfriend knows that I must eat healthy for my well-being and his doctor says that he seriously needs to lose weight because he's dangerously overweight and has many health issues.
BUT! When we go to the grocery store, my cart is filled with healthy foods and his basket (he likes to shop separately) has chips, soda, candy and cookies in it. And that's it. No actual food for meals.
When I cook, he refuses to eat my meals because they're "too healthy" he says. And he also gets mad at me for cooking healthy foods because he hates the smell of nearly ANYTHING with vegetables in it. He's actually banned me from cooking certain healthy soups and dishes because they contain either garlic, onions, celery, carrots, ginger or bell peppers. I still sneak and cook with those ingredients when I can.
The thing that upsets me is that I do care about him and he needs to be around for our child, who's also worried about his health and weight. Also, he gets super mad that I eat healthy foods because he wants me to join him in eating way too much bad, fatty, greasy, salty, unhealthy foods and then snack on cookies, candies, chips and soda all night long while watching TV. Not gonna happen. Everything in moderation for me. And to top it off, he wants me to lose weight and be thinner, but not eat healthy foods. He also gets mad at me when I feed our child healthy foods with a lot of veggies in it or give him fresh blended green juice (our child's fave!). And I get upset when he chooses to eat ONLY unhealthy things instead of working them into his diet w/ other healthy foods.
So he's mad at me, I'm mad at him and this goes nowhere. A house full of resentment. Therefore, we came to an understanding. He said that if I don't leave him alone to eat whatever bad things that he wants and let him gain as much weight as he wants, then he won't allow me to eat anything healthy anymore. He said he'll throw away my fruits and veggies and won't allow anything remotely healthy in this house anymore. So the understanding is, we just leave eachother alone to eat what we want just tp keep the peace.
Bottom line is, he can't force me to be unhealthy and I can't force him to be healthy.
P.S. he also doesn't like me exercising and he refuses to exercise. Same agreement there.
Why on earth are you still with this guy? He sounds like a controlling nasty jerk. Do you really want your child to grow up thinking it is acceptable for a relationship to be this toxic?0 -
SkinnyWannabeGal wrote: »APeacefulWarrior wrote: »Hubby and I had "the discussion" about eating more sensibly and healthier, and less junk food, etc, etc, etc, this weekend. (He has more weight to lose than I do.) Thought we were on the same page, until he came home from the grocery store this evening with four bags of Oreos, chocolate ice cream, eight pounds of pork sausage patties, and a supersize bag of generic Reese's pieces cereal.
I'm not even sure we're in the same book, much less on the same page. How do you handle these situations??
Oh my gosh, I know the frustration!
My boyfriend knows that I must eat healthy for my well-being and his doctor says that he seriously needs to lose weight because he's dangerously overweight and has many health issues.
BUT! When we go to the grocery store, my cart is filled with healthy foods and his basket (he likes to shop separately) has chips, soda, candy and cookies in it. And that's it. No actual food for meals.
When I cook, he refuses to eat my meals because they're "too healthy" he says. And he also gets mad at me for cooking healthy foods because he hates the smell of nearly ANYTHING with vegetables in it. He's actually banned me from cooking certain healthy soups and dishes because they contain either garlic, onions, celery, carrots, ginger or bell peppers. I still sneak and cook with those ingredients when I can.
The thing that upsets me is that I do care about him and he needs to be around for our child, who's also worried about his health and weight. Also, he gets super mad that I eat healthy foods because he wants me to join him in eating way too much bad, fatty, greasy, salty, unhealthy foods and then snack on cookies, candies, chips and soda all night long while watching TV. Not gonna happen. Everything in moderation for me. And to top it off, he wants me to lose weight and be thinner, but not eat healthy foods. He also gets mad at me when I feed our child healthy foods with a lot of veggies in it or give him fresh blended green juice (our child's fave!). And I get upset when he chooses to eat ONLY unhealthy things instead of working them into his diet w/ other healthy foods.
So he's mad at me, I'm mad at him and this goes nowhere. A house full of resentment. Therefore, we came to an understanding. He said that if I don't leave him alone to eat whatever bad things that he wants and let him gain as much weight as he wants, then he won't allow me to eat anything healthy anymore. He said he'll throw away my fruits and veggies and won't allow anything remotely healthy in this house anymore. So the understanding is, we just leave eachother alone to eat what we want just tp keep the peace.
Bottom line is, he can't force me to be unhealthy and I can't force him to be healthy.
P.S. he also doesn't like me exercising and he refuses to exercise. Same agreement there.
Why on earth are you still with this guy? He sounds like a controlling nasty jerk. Do you really want your child to grow up thinking it is acceptable for a relationship to be this toxic?
Sorry misskarne and sorry OP! I didn't mean to cause any sort of negative vibe here. Misskarne, I would be just as much of a controlling nasty jerk if I imposed my beliefs and practices on my boyfriend, who's just not into that kind of stuff. We are just being respectful of eachother's choices, even if we we do not agree with them. Give and take sort of thing. OP, I wish all the health and happiness in the world for you and your husband and I hope that you both will end up in the same book and on the same page.
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charlieandcarol wrote: »I guess the thing is that when you have a condition such as Type II diabetes you may well have the right to eat whatever you want because its your body but what about when you go blind or lose your limbs or the numerous other illness that do happen, do you also then have the right to expect others (ie your wife and family) to look after you. And you may well say that they don't have to look after them but the reality is that this IS what happens.
With rights comes responsibilities which is what lots of people forget when they espouse such things.
So I have sympathy for the OP and totally understand her frustration. But the other posters are right, you can't make anyone change so you have to get on with your own change and leave them to it. Don't cave to the temptations he brings home, he will just use it as an excused to justify his own behaviour.
As others have already stated, although you love your spouse and want him to pursue healthier eating habits, at the end of the day, he will not make a lifestyle change until he is ready. (Think about it...when was the last time you made behavioral changes simply because someone else said you should.) Your husband may understand this concept on a theoretical basis (which is why he initially agreed to it), but is not really ready to make the commitment.
You should absolutely stand firm in your decision to pursue a healthier lifestyle. And make it clear to hubby that while you will not nag discuss the issue with him again, you will no longer enable his choices. More than likely, he will eventually begin to adopt some/all of the measures you've put in place for yourself. (Particularly, once he sees how fabulous you look and feel.)
However, be prepared that he may attempt to sabotage your efforts (ie. the recent grocery haul) out of resentment, denial, and fear. Have a plan in place to counter these attempts and stay the course. The MFP folks (well, some of us anyway) got your back. 0
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